She lives on her own and I took care of her before she went into hospital with a UTI. She was very demanding and took my care for granted. I was so exhausted physically and mentally that I don't want to do it anymore. I love my mother but I don't really like her. She has suffered from anxiety and agoraphobia since she was a teenager and this has meant that she has led a very basic life, living her life through me and my brothers, wanting to know every detail of our lives, especially mine.
Overall she was a good mother but was very controlling and could be emotionally abusive at times and these memories have stuck with me. While she has mellowed somewhat in recent years, she is still well capable of pushing my buttons, insulting me and just making me feel bad while making herself out to be superior. When she does this I hate her. Other times she is very caring and then I love her again. She has a way of manipulating my mind that I can't explain.
She is a different person in AL, in good form with no anxiety. But I know when she comes home she'll go back to her anxious ways, be constantly complaining and expecting me to step up and be at her beck and call. She has no dementia but is physically frail. There will be carers visiting twice a day but I know she will still be calling me and asking me to do things for her in between their visits. She won't care that I have my own child to look after, a home to clean, pets to mind, bills to pay and a full time job.
I made it clear to her on the phone that I would not be taking care of her if she comes home and that's when she started to insult me and threatened to leave me nothing in her will. Then I feel guilty but resentful and angry at the same time. I accept that I could be described as selfish but has anybody else been in a similar position or experienced how I feel? Would it be ok for me not to answer her calls?
Having said all this, I'm afraid I'll probably end up taking care of her anyway and resenting every minute of it, being totally exhausted again and having no other life.
As to guilt, why? Guilt infers responsibility for a person's condition. You are not responsible for your mother's condition. You didn't cause her needs and you aren't responsible to fix them. A PARENT is obligated to raise a child. That child is obligated to raise any child he or she brings into the world. The obligation is paid forward.
Continue to be honest with your mother. Tell her if she comes home you will be unable to assist her very much. That if she needs more care than her caregivers can give she will have to hire others or move where she can receive care. Then STICK TO IT and don't enable her to stay in unsuited and unrealistic circumstances.
Tell your mother NOW that she requires more care than she is getting and you will not be providing it. No reasons. Reasons only lead to argument. Tell her your limitations preclude you from participating in caregiving for her.
She may, sorry to say, have to learn the hard way, which is the way we learn most hard-to-learn things.
As for being left out of the will, I'd rather have my sanity, peace, and happiness than a possible future inheritance. She sounds so manipulative you might not even be in the will RIGHT NOW. If she's very wealthy, you will have to weigh out money/misery vs. happiness and make a choice. Also, just hope that she doesn't leave you out of the will anyway. The fact that she threatens you with that shows her true character.
I know what you mean by saying that your mom has a way of pushing your buttons.
Flip flopping behavior makes it difficult to know what will happen next. Plus, the fact that your mom isn’t able to see her behavior as it truly is unnerving.
It can be a total waste of time and energy to confront people about their behavior. Most times they will become defensive and deny everything. Even worse, they will try to blame everything on others.
You’re very wise not to want to take on the responsibility of being her primary caregiver. Take comfort in knowing that your mom is being well cared for.
Don’t be swayed by anything that she says to convince you to that she can return home. I wouldn’t appreciate being emotionally blackmailed by her.
Personally, I wouldn’t care if she left me out of her will. I would rather have peace of mind that she had enough money to live in an assisted living facility.
Your responsibilities are first and foremost to your own household. There is no need to feel guilty about living your own life.
Wouldn’t the facility call you in an emergency? You don’t have to answer your phone every time that she calls you to complain about this or that. Let her call go to voicemail.
Best wishes to you and your family.
Do what I say I or you are nothing to me. Yep, blackmail. Yuk.
"Having said all this, I'm afraid I'll probably end up taking care of her anyway and resenting every minute of it, being totally exhausted again and having no other life."
No, no one can force you to take care of her. You're an adult with a child to raise. Think of your child's face every time you start to buckle and remember how much unhappiness she causes for you. You and your child are the priority. You need to defend your boundary because she's not going to respect it.
As far as being written out of her Will... tell her that's fine with you. Most of the time people don't even get around to doing it, anyway because they have to go to an attorney's office and pay money to do it. She has nothing to hang over your head if you have nothing you want from her. I got the same threat (for a different reason) and when I called my Mom's bluff she was speechless and it never happened.
You aren't responsible for your Mom's happiness. She only controls you if you allow it. She had her whole life to deal with her mental health issues and didn't. I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you become your own defender.
I'm sitting on the sun relaxing with a coffee. Misty, take a seat, join me 😊
Mother. Previously living on her own. But was she living alone *independantly*? 🤔
Had carers visiting but also expected you at 'beck & call'.
Mother is currently in AL. She hasn't adjusted to the idea or accepted she needs assisted living but really.. 'assisted living' was what she also had at home, right?
The carer staff & you providing the assistance.
So that's #1. Her frailty & reality.
#2 Decision making. She is free to make her own decisions (unless proved incapable to do so). Therfore she is free to move back home. This is *Dignity of Choice*.
OK Mother you can choose to go home. Therefore YOU Mother must make ALL the arrangements. Hire your careres, coordinate the hours, arrange payment & hire for all else.
(Many have used this with success. If she cannot move - she stays. Mistylu, you DO have power!)
I have used this line time & time again now:
"I don't agree. So I won't be helping with that."
#3 Responsibility. It is unfortunate that agoraphobia & anxiety have had such impact on your Mother's life. Yet these reside within her. She has responsibility to seek treatment or therapy. (She does now & always did).
It is not your responsibility to fix those issues or to bend the world around to suit her. Many people have a 'dependant personality' style, woe is me etc. If they find someone to smooth their life for them, they stick like glue.
Once adapted, your Mother will probably stick like glue to the new routines on her AL instead.
PS wish I had a cake for this coffee... The icing would be this:
What your Mother WANTS are not directives for you to obey.
But I felt a mixture of love, obligation and yes, guilt and manipulation. Now I essentially work, take care of her and sleep (now that I have an overnight caregiver). It’s not much of a life. Your mom sounds a lot like mine, She doesn’t care that I have my own children, a husband, a home to clean, pets, bills to pay, and a job. Proceed with extreme caution, and don’t feel guilty if you decide not to do it. Plus it sounds like she’s doing even better in AL! Save yourself!
Do not take care of her. She is fine where she is. If she wants to move out let her but don’t take her in.
It is normal to limit contact with a narcissistic parent. If she is nice and behaves then call her and visit her. When she acts up break off contact for a week. She will get the picture or she won’t in which case make the break two weeks or even a month or even six months. However long you think you need to recover. If you are her primary caregiver you won’t ever get those breaks.
A senior care place helps them focus on productive activity.
You mentioned brothers. Where are they and how often do they see your mother? Who is her POA/HCPOA? If your brothers are local, I'd be very tempted to tell her that you've done your time, and that she will have to depend on your brothers if she goes home. And then do nothing to facilitate her going home.
My mother threatened to remove me as a beneficiary from her trust (because I was trying to find out the details of some of her accounts in case she was unable to manage them....already someone at the credit union pulled me aside to ask if she had Alzheimer's?). She did manage to get a visiting brother to take her to the attorney while I was out of town to remove me as POA (I have four brothers, and we all had POA powers, but she had me and another brother removed at this attorney appointment...that brother said he had no idea what the appointment was about, yet the attorney asked where I was.) I didn't find this out until she was in rehab and we were looking to place her in LTC. I said that if I didn't have POA, that she would have to be placed near one of my brothers in another state.
I didn't follow through with that, though. None of my brothers wanted her relocated near them. I ended up turning all of this to my advantage, though. In the POA paperwork, it said that POA could only be reimbursed, not paid. But as I was not the POA any longer, I could be paid, and so I was (including backpay). It was a gift, and so no taxes owed.
Anyway, PLEASE do NOT "end up taking of her anyway." And if she did manage to get herself to an attorney to write you out of her will, remove yourself from her life from that point on.
Just how big is her estate, anyway? Have you seen the will/trust, and will it be split equally between you and your brothers? Are other relatives in the beneficiary mix, also?
Was she living alone?
Or you with her, or her with you?
If she was living alone, and she thinks she can manage WITHOUT your help, and she still have her home to return to she is within her rights to do so.
If you have been living with her then you move out.
If she has been living with you then she needs to find another place.
Forget about anything that you might inherit. From what you have said she is holding that over your head.
If she has enough money that she can hold that over your head she can pay for caregivers if she needs help.
It is up to you to set boundaries and stick to them.
I want to start by saying I know exactly how you feel. I have a similar relationship with my mother only there weren't any times of great love with us.
You made yourself clear that you will not be a caregiver to her. You have established that boundary and now you must hold the line.
You've already told her that she belongs in AL and is doing well there. I'm sure you and others have made her understand that AL is the best place for her because she's not alone and gets the assistance she needs there. She will not get the level of assistance in her home that she gets in AL even if she moves in a live-in caregiver.
When she starts with the threats to cut you out of her will if you refuse to be her servant, tell her to go right ahead. That you don't need her money and that if she does she will be dead to you and your relationship with her will be over. Also tell her you will make it a point to tell everyone you know exactly what kind of person and mother she really is.
I imagine she's very careful about how others see her and what they think of her. My mother is too. I can remember some years back I was at a graduation party with her. She was talking about someone who she believed didn't take good care of their kids and how she as a mother always put her kids first.
I asked her in front of that group of people which kids she put first because I certainly wasn't one of them.
People like out mothers often need to be called out in front of others on their behavior.
Do not tolerate complaining. I don't. When the anxious act starts up (and that's what it is an act) ignore her. My mother pulls this too. She opens with complaining, verbal abuse, and cruelty. When that gets her nowhere she'll work herself up into the anxiousness and hysterics. Which also gets her nowhere with me.
It's pretty simple. If my mother or anyone for that matter, wants something from me they can ask the way normal people respectfully ask when they expect someone else to give or do something for them. No one gets anything from me who does not behave with respect and gratitude.
If you want something, you ask for it. If you're too proud to ask then do without.
I really hope you will adopt this approach of mine in your life and with your mother.
Just ignore your mother's nonsense. If she wants to leave AL, tell her go ahead but you don't help her. You don't help her move and you don't help her any other way.
When she's getting verbally abusive and manipulative end the call of visit at once and ignore her. Don't take her calls. Let them go to voicemail.
You established your boundaries with her. So the ball is in your court. You have a choice. Enforce those boundaries you worked hard to make or sacrifice your life to the miserable drudgery of being a care slave and live every day in resentment and regret for doing so.
You have a choice. So make the right one for you not your mother.
If this is what happens it is all on YOU and no one else. You have all the power here. You don't need her, she needs you.
If she is competent to make the decision to move home, there is nothing you can do....and I mean YOU DO NOTHING. Do not pick her up, do not make phone calls on her behalf, do not move furniture, do not pack her things, do not grocery shop, do not run errands, do not take her to appointments.
Why? You are in total control of yourself and the situation. No one will put a gun to your head and force you to care for her. You didn’t have the power as a kid, but you do now. YOU call the shots in your life. Not her.
It’s really not a matter of your not wanting to care for her. It’s that your life with kids and working full time makes it 100% not possible. She won’t care about that, but facts are facts. You cannot. If she calls you selfish, remind her putting YOUR kids first is in no way selfish!
You said she has moments where she’s nice to you and it pulls you back in. This is a CLASSIC move from people like her. Bait you, earn your love once again, and keep the facade until you’re doing her bidding. Then the cruelty she harbors underneath shows up. They never tire of the “come here, go away” game.
She may be nicer in order to get you to be the caregiver. Do not fall for this. You know good and well how she will act towards you once she’s home.
The minute she packs her bags to move, let her know in no uncertain terms that she is on her own. She will think you’re bluffing, but when you don’t rush to her aid, she’ll get it. Tell her to call 911 if she falls or any medical issue arises.
Offer moderate help if/when she realizes she screwed up by moving back home.
children being there for their parents.
You simply have NO obligation to provide unpaid, in-home, hands on care for her, mother or not. It's an obligation that exists in your head. And maybe in hers.
"Good" parents know this and don't try to steal their adult children's lives and health. They prepare financially for their old age or they rely on State funding for their care.
Please take care of yourself. You're the only one looking out for you!
Or you can flat out tell her it’s not happening.
You were right to say what you did and now you have to stick to it. If she wants to go home that's her decision but you cannot be there for her. You have a responsibility to your child and ur job. They come first. So she will have to find someone to move her back and aides to care for her. That you can't be there for her. If she says ur out of the Will, tell her "so be it". Your child is #1. Mom is no longer the center of your life.
It you fall for that, then you get the life you chose to have. No body is making this decision but you. You are making your life choices.
I think you might hate yourself if you follow through with this crazy plan.
When Mother talks about going home, listen to what she is saying, her words but also her body language.
Maybe she is sad, grieving the loss of her home. Or angry, at old age & fraility.
Just maybe she is realistic about her NEED to stay in AL but wants to express her WANT anyway. My Mother does this. She knew she had to stay in care while her bone healed, she was not looking for practictral transport home, she was just SAD & wanted to tell me.
I've done it myself. I've certainly seen it my own family members & also this dynamic with strangers visiting in care settings.
Someone expresses a FEELING & someone rushes to FIX the PROBLEM. Mistylu, is that the 'button' you mentioned? The trick is to let the fix mode bubble up inside you, feel it, but *let it pass*. Just listen.
My wish is to actually be able to do this well myself!! 😌
Complaining is often like sport to the elderly. They enjoy it.
I've known many seniors who are sad and complain for the fact that they're old.
Know what I always told them?
You could have been in the grave when you were 30 years old. Or eighteen years old. Or seven years old. Yet were blessed with a long life.
So quit complaining because no one wants to hear it.
This response usually puts a lid on the complaining for the sake or complaining or because of old age for a while.
My suggestion to you is as follows: tell mother she has way too many issues now to live alone at home, even with caregivers coming in, and needs to stay put in AL. If she decides to move back to her home against your wishes, you're under doctors orders never to perform caregiving duties again. Period. You had a full physical exam which revealed high blood pressure and a stomach ulcer this-close to erupting, all from stress. You cannot, under any circumstances, help her with the move itself or with caregiving of ANY KIND after she gets home. Your health is at stake and a heart attack is not unreasonable to expect if you go against doctors orders. Sorry ma. The End.
If you feel guilty lying to her, go get a physical and see what the doctor tells you about subjecting yourself to THIS level of stress again. It can easily kill you, God forbid.
Think of yourself now because mommy dearest obviously isn't.
Your reply in particular has made me realise something I hadn't thought of: I agree, that it is a co-dependent relationship and she has used FOG to manipulate me since I began to rebel as a teenager. Sadly it worked on me and continues to control me but with the help of this site, I am beginning to see the light. Thank you.
He WANTS to run across the road, without looking both ways. That wouldn’t be good for either him, or his mother. He could get hurt, and she would be very sad. So, she can’t say yes.
He WANTS to only eat cupcakes for lunch. That wouldn’t be good for either him, or his mother. He would end up as a screamie meemie on a sugar high, and probably reacting to the dyes in the frosting, and she would be driven crazy. So, she can’t say yes.
Your mother WANTS to come home. That wouldn’t be good for HER, or for YOU. She wouldn’t be getting the care she NEEDS (you have a family of your own) and, you would be driven insane. So, you can’t say yes.
Simple.
YOU CANNOT SAY YES.
My mother now has this childlike quality about her which is endearing except when I want to wring her neck. She marvels at things as if she is seeing them for the first time and has a sense of wonder no 80something year old three times divorced adult has - at least none I have met.
A lot of times it really feels like dealing with a kid:
“Go back inside and put on a coat. No, not that one. Your new coat. What did you do with it already?”
I know it grates on her to be treated like that, but she acts like a little girl including the tantrums and going to her bedroom and slamming the door shut.
Over time, if dementia is involved, it gets worse. My aunt - who was an artist who traveled the world studying and learning different folk and native art until well into her 70s - lost her speech and ended up carrying a teddy bear around with her everywhere in her last years. It is heartbreaking.
I know why you are taking her back. It is because of guilt and feelings of obligation, the FOG that people here often write about. You have paid your dues to your mother. Very nicely tell mom you cannot continue to care for her at home and she needs to go back because you won't be doing this again. No one can force you into something you do not choose to do. It's just not healthy and it is unfair to that you have to put yourself back into an abusive situation.
She needs to go back to her AL.
Good luck.
You have a full time job, child, pets, home and more. You have your own responsibilities. It amazes me how these Senior Brats are so demanding, and don't get this simple reality! Why is SHE your responsibility? She has a good set up already, which is exactly what she needs.
Leave you nothing? Is she very wealthy? That's all she's got to try to control you? Even if you fell for it, there is no guarantee you'd get anything anyway.
YOU WORK FULL TIME! Don't agree, don't help. Stick to your guns.
As far as the cutting you out of the will goes, ignore it. You are establishing your own lifestyle, keep focused on that. You are raising your children; focus on them.
My dad would always try to have us competing with his stepkids and had my mom trying to compete with his girlfriend. We all dropped the ball on his insanity. In the end, he was angry with all of his bio-children, and left us all $1.00 in the phony will. When he died, he didn't have a paid life insurance policy, and his wife thought his bio kids were going to pay. My brother got on this, and found out that dad had a policy through his state job as a teacher. I don't think his wife has even gotten a tombstone for his gravesite. Even worse, she buried him on her birthday.
I get calls from bill collectors trying to contact his wife and one of his stepdaughters regarding loans they both defaulted on. I drove past the house one day and the place is in need of some repair. Out of site out of mind.
Says who?
Your mother is a manipulative, needy person who lives her life in such a way as to require others to do for her.
At no cost to her
But at GREAT cost to you.
I think it's time to change that.
"Mother, I think that moral obligation exists in your head. It's not reality. I need to take care of myself. You have other options for your care. Only I can take care of my health "