My 98 year old narcissistic aunt no longer recognizes me in person but does seem to know me on the phone. She talks about “that other me” in a very paranoid way. What she says is very hurtful. She insists I haven’t come to visit and nobody cares. She then goes on complaining about how she is being treated and all the things that are going wrong. She is even more demanding now and wants me to fix various things she swears are broken ( they are not). She thinks all her money is gone (it is not). I have been the one that always ran to fix whatever issue was upsetting her. We have had an O.K. relationship as long as I placated her. Frankly I am exhausted and really don’t want to see her anymore. Other family members have visited but she insists no one has come. I finally feel free to begin to be myself instead of who she wanted me to be. Should I stop seeing her?
Your voice is familiar and associates to you in her brain. Her mind may remember you as a kid at this point, but this older lady comes in claiming to be you. Very confusing
It is so - sad - to be old and demented not remembering that someone visits - feeling all alone and unloved.
Bless you for the care you have given her.
If the visits now upset you or her & is having limited (or no) positive impact, then, yeah, it's OK to either wind them back in frequency or cease visiting.
If it helps - the old fashioned way was to visit until people no longer knew you.
It is very disheartening when a person reaches this stage of the disease. My mom always remembered that she had a daughter and my name but not my face It helped a lot when I stopped having expectations, I would just visit her and let her decide who I was (Her sister, a Coworker or a classmate). I would greet her with a big smile and say “hi girl” and that always worked because I think it made her feel like she knew who I was . At least it made my visits easier for her and also allowed me to monitor her closely. When your aunt becomes demanding have an exit plan and leave. I hope this works out for you.
I did like the idea shared by another. Try leaving the room and get the "other" you to return. Maybe she'll be nice?😏
You really can’t take these outbursts personally- the person suffering with dementia can’t really react anymore like the someone we used to know. But if your aunt is well cared for, and not in any personal harm without your visits, you might want to stay away or limit your visits to when YOU feel comfortable. This is unfortunately just another phase of the disease. You’re expecting a normal or reasonable response from your aunt. Unfortunately, that’s a thing of the past. Things don’t get “better” with dementia, no matter how many times you try to “fix” the situation. They just keep evolving in a mostly unpredictable pattern. Take care of yourself first.
If she's being well taken care of, you have no obligation to be abused for one second longer. Disease does not discriminate. It comes upon good people and bad. It sounds like she has had a lifelong practice of disrespectful, demanding behaviors, and it is not altogether out of character for her to be nasty. Life is hard enough.
You should stop seeing her if your visits upset her.
If she asks you to fix something that isn't broken, just take it, give it back and say it's fixed.
If she talks about no one visiting, just let her know they visited, she just forgot.
If she talks about the other you, tell her the other you is still you. One is the phone you and the other is the visiting you.
Mare your visits shorter in length and only once a week.
Who is your aunts POA? If no one, who does the NH have for a contact? I agree with cutting out the visits but I think you will feel better if you keep an eye out for her. It is very common for the elderly to complain that no one comes to visit, even when a visitor is sitting right in front of them.
As time passes you may be emotionally detached enough to be able to see her without it distressing you. Try it for awhile and see if your exhaustion improves.
This isn't helping her, in fact, the anxiety is brings is probably quite disturbing to her. Sad, but true.
Even my mom, who has not been dxed with dementia, shows signs of it if you talk to her long enough. She loses track of the train of a conversation and it agitates her and she'll give up and say "I can't remember, I don't care anyway" or something to that effect to shut you down and stop you from talking.
My mom didn't speak to me for almost a year when I was going through cancer treatment. Now I am better and drive her to bingo once a week. She tells me how much I mean to her every.single.time I take her to bingo--because I have value to her. When I didn't, she didn't say a word to me. Just the way it is.
Haven't spoken or seen my MIL in over a year, b/c my presence makes her so angry. No rhyme or reason to this behavior, really.