Caring for my parent's fulltime, they accuse me of stealing. Any advice?

Yes, it's normal for someone with dementia to hide their purse and other items. That sounds like typical Alzheimer's.

This doesn't sound like a win-win situation. Your parents need help. Read "The 36 Hour Day". It's about Alzheimer's and will help you understand the disease. Once you understand it better you can start to figure out what you need to do. Are you committed to caring for your parents in their home? Do you need to move out? Your parents need assistance and there's nothing wrong with hiring people to provide it if your parents can afford it.

Figure out what you need, what your parents need, and what it's going to take to provide it. You're in a very difficult situation and need help. Do you have any siblings? Anyone you can talk to?

This website is wonderful and you'll get insightful and sensitive suggestions and observations. We're here for you. You don't have to figure this out by yourself.

One specific idea, make sure your parents do not use cash (it at all possible). If they write checks then there's a name & date on it, and can be helpful in "remmbering". If they must use cash, have them write it down in a notebook with to whom paid, date, what for.
Best is just to not have much cash around, too easy to forget where it went!

At some point their behaviors will become very toxic for you and your health with begin to suffer. Even if it means living in a travel trailer or a shelter, have a plan to move out and carry through with it. Then either get family help to relocate them to a facility or call adult protective services on them. They do not have the right to destroy you in the process of their unfortunate decline. And you do not have the responsibility to hold on as they sink in to mental oblivion.

Even non demented parents become surprisingly irrational as they age. Any illness that makes parents face their own mortality can turn them into unrecognizable little monsters who will try anything and everything to assert their independence. It's very scary and because they don't comprehend the consequences of their irrational accusations, documenting your actions and their behaviors and conditions is extremely important. I agree that your living with your parents is suboptimal. Can you rent a room nearby? Even paying a nominal amount in rent for your own space may help you feel less stressed and give you the much needed space to step back from their problems and focus on your life. You might also check on Craigslist or other local forum to barter some of your help around the house for room and board as a nanny, housesitter or adult caregiver. Take stock of your skills and what you can do - we all have talents to share - and if your parents don't appreciate you, I strongly believe another family will. As parents age establishing healthy boundaries becomes increasingly important. Good luck.

This is very scary. I continue to read on this site about people who are accused of stealing of demented parents. I am amazed at the trouble and expense it causes the children/families of these caregivers.

This has caused me to a moment and reflect upon the terrible relationship I have with my mother. She has lied on more than one occasion that I can. Or be trusted with her money. I would blow right through it according to her and I have asked. Y dad for. Knew in the past (not true). Also she never wanted me on her POA but my brother insisted I be alternate, she did not want to do,that.

After all I have read here, I will not touch my. Other's funds with. Ten foot pole. She does not have dementia at the moment but is aging quickly. Because of the warning I have seen here, her lawyer will take care of her if my brother can not.

Maybe it is time to make other arrangements for care that exclude you and keep you safe from having any suspicions cast your way. I am protecting myself. Good luck

Ricky, the longer you wait to get your life back together the harder it will be. If you need to work to support yourself then there is no time to waste. The longer you are out of the workforce the harder re-entry will be. As many have already said, you are in for a long, hard road. And you don't know how many years your parents still have left. Are you going to put your life on hold indefinitely? Help yourself first, in my opinion.

They actually could call the sheriff and have you removed from the house. Do you have a credit card, that you could use to get an apartment? Will you be getting an insurance check? Myself, I would be spending every minute trying to get my own place.

Please forgive my post. I truly hate the auto correct on this thing. I should have proofread my post!!!

Ricky I lived in my mothers home from 1998 to 2014. I had become ill and my mother and father had me sell my home and move my daughter and myself in with them. When I began feeling better, it became my turn to help care for an aunt, then my father, brother in law and Mom who had dementia and I cared for her 8 years.

I only tell you this to show you how long I lived with my mother. There are "stages" that people with dementia and Alzheimer's go through and "paranoia" is one of them. I had taken care of Mom's finances even prior to my father's death, but when mom's paranoia set in, she accused me of stealing, then all of us were stealing from her, she lost trust in us.

I was very hurt because I had given up my life to care for her and I was doing everything for her, which was no easy task. An older sibling lived there as well but she was angry with me for becoming the DPOA and she wanted to do everything within her power to get me to fail, so not only did I have Mom with paranoia but my sister as well.

Paranoia is a natural progression of your mother's disease. Parents become distrustful of everyone and everything because they are afraid of losing their independence and they start wondering if that is actually why you are there...to keep an eye on them and then perhaps throw them into a nursing home??? They want to show you that they are still perfectly capable of caring for themselves. They also want things done, the way "they have always done it" because that is the correct way in their eyes, they do not like change.

I am sure you have heard the saying that "No good deed goes unpunished," well that is how I felt and probably you do too. I began feeling like I was "damned if I do and damned if I don't."

If you can sit and talk with Dad and he doesn't have a mental issue you need to ask him what you can do to help around the house. Let him know that you appreciate him allowing you to live there until you can get back on your feet and to pay him back you would like to help him around the house wherever he wishes. He may not immediately take you up on the offer but slowly he may come around, or just sit and have a conversation with him to form a "friendship" of sorts to where he feels comfortable in asking for assistance. They just need to feel safe in knowing where you are coming from and that you are there and ready to help when they need or want it.

You living there may be a win win situation, but you have to realize that it is going to come with some difficult issues to deal with. If you do not have a sibling that you can confide in, then you do need someone, perhaps a social worker that can come in periodically and just assess the situation so you know you are "covered" so to speak against any false claims of abuse, theft, etc.

Lastly I hope you or another sibling have Power of Attorney for your parents and that they own a Trust. Most likely your Mom and Dad were POA for each other but if they are very old and both becoming ill, a child or close friend or attorney needs to become their POA so you can make medical and financial decisions for them, when they are no longer able to make them.

Good Luck and God Bless!

Ricky, better that you call the cops and social services APS before they call you. Protect yourself from criminal charges by being the one who calls the authorities first. Let them sort it out, and if they recommend you move out, do so, follow their advice. Caregivers of dementia patients all too often are backed into a corner and have to defend their actions.