On an otherwise enjoyable evening last Friday, got a message from my Dad's former coworker who I had not spoken with in at least 16 years asking me to call him
My 75-year-old mom does a bit of volunteer work at that office, & he said she came in twice last week with her clothes disheveled & smelling of urine. He contacted the neighbors, & they say she is often walking around the front yard w/ her clothes hanging off her in a way that shows regions the world shouldn't be seeing. She's a hoarder, & they made it sound like the only time they're really inside the home is when they're sleeping. They do a lot of volunteer work at the local chamber of commerce, and the neighbors believe they are spending as much time there as they can to avoid being in their home. They also said there is tons of stuff in the front yard (including a toilet)
None of this is a huge surprise. My sister and I have not been to that home in 13 years because of the hoarding (we basically are not allowed to come, although we also live 400 miles away). And we are well aware of her hygiene and incontinence issues (my parents visit us 10-12 times a year)
My grandmother had the same issues (although her home was nowhere near as bad as their's is) and she died in 2003. Mom idolized her (still does) and that is when this problem really took off (although she was never really all the organized to begin with). And frankly, grandma was the only person who could ever really get her to "listen"
We also suspect a cognitive decline. There are times when she looks completely dazed & confused. Yet one of the neighbors told me word around town is she is basically keeping that chamber of commerce afloat with the work she is doing. So I honestly cannot tell if she is in fact having cognitive issues, or if it's just that her hearing is so bad. And as you might expect, she refuses to wear her hearing aids (plus, I think she has some sort of A.D.D. because there have been numerous occasions when she will ask me a question on the phone, and I will answer it, and the response will be "uh huh, uh huh... so let me tell you about X")
The coworker who contacted me suspects she has had a series of mild strokes. And he basically told me that something needs to be done about this soon
***Now, at this point, you might be wondering, where is dad is this whole equation? Well, his big issue is alcoholism, but I also think he has gotten to the point where he has just given up on her. It doesn't help that I truly believe he has been somewhat/definitely miserable being with her for the majority of their marriage (which will be 50 years in May)
So the reason I am writing this is because we have no idea what to do. The neighbor I spoke with said the same thing sister & I have been saying.... we need to get in contact with mom's doctor & try to figure out why these incontinence issues are persisting. I know she sees a gynecologist on a monthly basis. Is he unaware of this? Has he prescribed treatment that she is just ignoring? I also think she needs a neurological evaluation
But how do we bring about any change? They get very defensive any time we bring up any issues they are having. The ironic thing is that mom has always been obsessed with impressing other people. But if I tell her who is saying these things, she is going to demand who they are, & then she will find some way to attack them on their flaws while ignoring her own
My first instinct is to try to reason with dad first. But does he even care anymore, & even if he does, can he get her to make positive changes? She was very verbally abusive to us as children, & I know he didn't condone it, yet he either did nothing to really change it, or his efforts were futile. If he couldn't make a positive change there, why should I believe he can do it now?
But I'm also afraid if we don't do something, someone else will step in, someone else will step in, & that will cause them embarrassment they cannot handle
You can always ask APS for a "well check".
Q1 If (when) someone does need to step in... what's your current thinking?
Is it better for that person to be A) a 'professional' ie Ambulance, Fire, Police, APS?
Or B) you &/or sibling?
If neither parent can or will listen to reason from you &/or sibling.. after much anguish you will have to circle back to choice A).
I might add, it is sad to hear or watch when family members decline. Sometimes the instinct is to ride in to save them... but no-one has a magic wand or magic powers 😔
How important is 'preventing embarrassment' you mentioned?
I am thinking the bigger picture may include Freedom of Choice (for your folks to live or decline in their own way) vs Duty of Care (if you know they are in danger or causing danger).
These are big issues. Some here have faced similar & I hope you can find a way forward.
Go in person with your sister to see what's going on, then call in the protective services people to help.
Short of that I would call their nearest neighbors if possible to confirm what you're being told.
Then call APS because:
"...her clothes disheveled & smelling of urine. He contacted the neighbors, & they say she is often walking around the front yard w/ her clothes hanging off her in a way that shows regions the world shouldn't be seeing. She's a hoarder, & they made it sound like the only time they're really inside the home is when they're sleeping. "
"There are times when she looks completely dazed & confused."
This is not ADD, not hearing impairment and not necessarily as a result of their hoarding. Your are correct in suspecting cognitive decline (or a UTI). Her incontinence or any "embarrassment" is the least of her problems. You are focusing on the wrong problems to start to solve. Time for intervention -- from someone, anyone -- before something dire happens to them. And don't depend on your alcoholic father for anything as he probably needs as much help as she.
If no one in your family is PoA for either parent, are your parents aren't cooperative with any plans you make for them, then you are powerless in this situation. Your only hope will be the county social services.
"I know she sees a gynecologist on a monthly basis." How do you know this for a fact? Who is telling you? If it's your mom I would be very suspicious that this is actually true. She may believe it's true when it's not, and this would also point to cognitive decline, memory impairment, or delusions. And, hoarding is a mental illness and I strongly suggest you consult with a therapist who will give you guidance on how to best interact with them to MAYBE bring about any change on that front.
I wish you success in protecting them and much clarity and wisdom in your decision-making.
Clearly you aren't in constant contact. I would continue on with your lives as you choose. Should you wish to go and speak with your parents, then feel free to do it, and to do it together. But if you are met with resistance I am sorry to say I doubt there is a thing you can do about any of this other than to report your parents to APS.
Were you to go the long way through this to attempt conservatorship what do you imagine could be done by you and by your Sister? Short of having your parents hauled bodily off to a nursing home there is no outcome likely to make any difference at all in any of this.
I am so sorry. You must feel helpless indeed. And the truth is, the sad truth--you likely ARE helpless in this.
As far as causing 'real embarrassment' for your parents, they're already THERE, with people calling you about your mom's odor and appearance! What's really important is their safety at this point, and that's what you'd be trying to determine by taking a trip to visit them: are they safe? You may not be able to get them to clean up their home, as it's rare for hoarders to agree to such a thing. But you may be able to go with her to the doctor and get a feel from him or her as to what her medical condition is.
Wishing you the best of luck with what sounds like a tricky situation. Godspeed to you as well, my friend. Keep us updated!