My mom is in hospice care at home. My father is very frail and has impaired vision, and at this point they really need someone there at night. I live over an hour away and my sisters live 2 and 15 minutes away. They want to take turns staying, and share other one guest room. Neither of them self isolate. One goes in to work, one cares for grade school age grandchildren.
I offered to come stay every night, and let them have the days to visit. But they both want to stay, because each wants to be there when mom dies. But I can’t accept the risk of sleeping in the same bed as someone from a different household. They both think I’m overreacting and the virus is no big deal. They are not good with mask wearing.
How are people dealing with shared caregiving during the pandemic? Is there a way to do this safely?
You can spray with a sanitizer
You could also pack one of the Air Beds and use that as YOUR bed either keep it in the trunk of your car or the closet in the guest room.
By the way not all deaths occur at night. She could just as easily die at 10 am while you have The Price is Right on. (Most likely none of you will be in the room when she dies, many people will wait until a person sitting vigil goes to get some water, goes to the bathroom or gets a bite to eat)
There are definite signs when someone is "Actively Dying" and Hospice can let you know what those signs are so you can be more prepared. (although that still will not give you a time of day or even how many days there are before she dies)
You know, she will go when she goes. She's not having a good time. Maybe it sounds harsh. But I don't think my being there would make things easier for her. All she wants is to see my dad and have him there. And he never leaves her side except for the call of nature. What matters to me is to be able to support my dad, and I don't know what is best. Would he rather be alone with her, one last time? Would he want to have someone else there? He can't answer these questions either.
(they are already ridiculing you to do it their way). imo.
It is not easy to bow out. But you can be a listening ear on the phone when they need to vent or share advice. That in itself can be a thankless job, for which you might receive much criticism if sisters are at all mean. Go once a week, in the daytime. imo.
Don't inform them, just do not be a part of their plan. There may come a time you will be needed to do it on your own, when they burn out. This is not like a sleepover college party or sharing a room. It could be hard work. Preserve your energy and health for the long term care giving.
I am not saying this will happen to you, but keep in mind, there is a difference between being a caregiver ordered around by your sibling, to do things to make their job easier,/ vs /the one-on-one caregiving you could be doing for your mother or father, meeting their needs directly. If you can do it the one-on -one way, you will have had a relationship with Mom, with Dad and feel fulfilled at the end of their lives.
Being the caregiver ordered around by the other sibling to make their life easier is a thankless job!
Been there, done that! I so regret it now with the way things have turned out.
If you aren't freaking out about them coming to visit, I don't know why you'd freak out over a bed. If the sheets are washed in hot water between users, there's nearly a zero chance of you catching it from them. That's assuming your sisters actually have the virus, in which case your parents are about 100% more likely to get it before you'd get it from the bed.
Your Mom is dying. Go to her and of course your sisters should be there too.
That said, I'm truly sorry you are going through this. I wish the best for you and your family.
Hugs,
Jenna
Be the emotional support over the phone instead.
When you do visit - minimise any Covid risks you can.
*Breathe other peoples' air less (by using mask if possible & keeping space).
*Wash hands thoroughly just before leaving. Hand sanitizer before re-entering your safe zones.
*If any coughing or unwell people present, remove any clothing that may have cough droplets before re-entering your safe zones.
(I avoided visiting my sister though our crises as she had symptoms at one time but didn't bother to disclose & was not taking the precautions I was).
I made my car my '1st safe zone'. I have a jacket that lives in the 'dirty' box in my car boot/trunk). I wash hands & face when home. Wear my 'home only' clothes.
Sounds like you are prepared & accept your parents' state of health but I wish you strength for the coming weeks & months. Very hard situation made even harder by this awful pandemic.
Just keep sanitizing when you arrive to stay in your mom’s home.
I am a germ freak plus I have allergies, so I clean regularly.
Upon your arrival, wipe down all surfaces with disinfectant. Again, so you know it was done. Door knobs, bathroom, etc. everything.
Reiterate that they are going to work, around people they don't know if they mask or not outside of work, and kids (if going to school) are being exposed to flu in addition to covid. Since they are so close, they could drop by periodically throughout the day, wear a mask to protect both mom and dad (and you), and then leave. Your mom's on hospice and dad is frail - tell them you know they would feel horrible and either of the parents getting sick. And you would really be upset since you have offered a way to possibly mitigate catching something. Not to mention, you could call them to come right a way if needed.
Basically, if any of you visitors has Covid you're all in big trouble anyway. Don't forget about protecting your father in all of this.
Sorry, though, just looking at your post - if they're 2 and 15 minutes away, surely you could call them if they needed to be there?
In my state, everyone is supposed to just stay with people from their own household other than work.
Do what makes you feel comfortable with the least amount of anxiety.
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