My sister is the youngest sibling, this should be my job, not hers but she is the one that lives in the same town. I live 4 hours away and my brother is in a different state. She will not leave my dad over night, and when I am there she feels like she needs to be with us (family's in town). I send her flowers I tell her how great she is doing, but there doesn't seem to be anything I can do for her. She is getting angry and bitter, not really at anyone just in general. I really want to help her but I do not know how. Any ideas?
There are several things you can do by phone, email etc -
you can do all of his banking and bill payments
research home care options and local facilities,
educate yourself about his finances and whether he has the ability to pay for care,
encourage him to set up a plan with a financial advisor and/or lawyer who specializes in elder issues and medicaid,
help to arrange for things like grocery delivery, yard work, housekeeping
The number 1 thing you can do is let her know it's OK to stop being the designated caregiver.
Yes!!! On repeat.
Or (baby steps) that's it's OK to get a bigger team. That being a 'Lone Ranger' can get lonely. Better to be the 'Sherrif' & have a posse of helpers, services, aides & respite.
And then, if possible, do it, or set it up so you can be 'actively' involved even when living far away.
Getting respite care set up. Having aides coming in regularly to lift her burden, so she can leave and not worry. If she's paying for dad's care and that's a problem, kick in some bucks every month. Or help her to figure out what dad can afford as far as care. Also, she should be getting paid!!
Not to be rude, but a bunch of flowers and an 'atta girl' would make me want to weep if I were caring for my mother FT. It's a brutal, never ending job, even with a kind, compliant parent, you've given up your life for them.
It's never just ONE sib's responsbility to step in for the care of aging parents.
My YB took on mom & dad's care. 24 years with mom, dad died 17 years ago. I plan to give my YB my small inheritance, as do 2/3 of the rest of the sibs. $10K wouldn't make any difference in my life, but if all of us give our inheritances to YB, well, $40K WILL make a difference to him. He knows we plan to do this, and I know that has helped him, mentally, to know that once mom dies, he will have some 'reward' for 24 years of having had essentially no life.
Sounds like sis is 100% in for the long haul. But maybe you can check out NHs for dad if that is something that could be managed. Unless you ASK, you won't know. I bet she IS getting angry and bitter.
Good Luck with this--it would be great if you could loop your brother into this. Your sister probably feels absolutely alone, whether she initially chose this living arrangement or it got foisted on her--the end result is the same. She's burnt out.
Too many times those who did absolutely nothing try to oversee what is being spent on parent care because they want to make sure they get their inheritance. Want the money but invest nothing. Sad. You'll find more of this kind of story on this site than a gracious deal like you and your sibs have come up with. Nice to see a loving family here instead of those who have siblings standing by waiting on a pay out.
In fact consider researching anything that might come in handy for your sis so she doesn't have to start from scratch. Research topics could include: local assisted living, nursing homes, memory care facilities and adult day care options. You could ask around and research a good eldercare attorney and geriatric care manager. Make little files and share your info with her, show her you are ready to help make these decisions when she wants help.
It sounds like your dad lives with your sister's family? How about the gift of a house cleaning service once a month? If she is someone who cleans to blow off steam then obviously disregard. What about paying to have dinner delivered to their family once a week or once a month? I'd rather have takeout than flowers lol.
Something anyone with appropriate access can arrange over the internet is paying as many bills as possible by autopay and monitoring the bank statements and visa bill for errors/fraud.
Physical tasks (not including physical caretaking of an elderly person's body, which is it's own monumental thing) are generally piddly compared to the mental load of life and caretaking. There are a lot of articles on emotional load, mental load, etc. Being the one who has to mentally keep a million balls in the air, bills, should I schedule an appointment with XZY and when, etc. is exhausting. This is a common problem between spouses with children. One spouse will say "gosh I do whatever you need if you just ask" and totally not understand that figuring out what to do and when is the hard part. Doctors appointments, sports teams, tutoring, that new preschool etc don't fall out of the sky, they take research and care. I don't know if I'm making a lot of sense but helping with the mental load is huge.
Good luck, you sound like you really care and that is huge.
You will get all the supplies and equipment that is needed to care for him delivered to her. She will get his medications delivered to her. A CNA will come to the house a few times a week to bathe him, get him ready, change the bed if it needs it. She will get a Nurse that will come weekly to check dad. A Social Worker, Chaplain and other services if you wish. She can also ask for a Volunteer that will come sit with dad while she gets out, or the volunteer can help with some light household work. AND Medicare will provide for Respite for almost 1 week each year. There are other advantages to Hospice as well. AND it is NOT just for the last 6 months, my Husband was on Hospice for almost 3 years.
Is your dad a Veteran? If so the VA has programs that might help out a bit or a LOT depending on where and when he served. Well worth calling the local Veterans Assistance Commission to determine his status.
When you are a caregiver it is very difficult to "let go" and let someone else take over because no one will do it the exact way you do it. What I learned is that's right no one did do what I did the exact same way but as long as he was SAFE that was what I was concerned about. Learning how to ask for help, learning how to accept help was one of the difficult things about caregiving.
First and foremost, she's not angry or bitter at you. She's not even angry or bitter at dad, although it might often come across that way. She's angry, bitter and scared about the situation that you all find yourselves in. And you need to remember, it's not anyone's "fault". Sometimes, people try to find fault when things go not according to plan, and they can't seem to wrap their heads around the fact that bad things happen, sometimes through nobody's fault. Doesn't mean we don't have to deal with the fallout - but not everything can have fault ascribed to it.
So what can you do to help? Respite is always a great offer. But even more basic than that - be a good listener. Let her vent, cry, rage, whatever she feels she needs to do without recriminations or "suggestions" on how to "make things better". As Midkid said, ask what you can do to help, and then try your very best to follow through. If she needs help convincing dad of things he needs to do - whether it's PT, or hiring help, etc.- then add your voice with hers in a united front. Please don't undermine her efforts to make her life easier by putting "other ideas" in dad's head, especially if those ideas are going to add more responsibilities onto her plate.
Honestly, I had one very supportive sister, and one no-show sister. I learned very early in the caregiving game whom I could depend on and who was going to be useless. Be the sibling upon whom your sister can depend on. She will appreciate it more than she could ever say - I know I certainly did.
Good luck!
told I'm doing a good job (which I would feel judged by) but that u recognize how hard it is & LISTEN to venting. Take seriously any comments about changes in condition even if you don't see them. Call, send cards &/or gifts consistently (to ur parent and sis). I'd love an occasional bouquet too. Keep in mind
its not just physical exhaustion but emotional.
Definitely someone other than the care giver should handle finances if possible. I love the idea of ordering & paying 4 supplies for regular delivery (I assume u check with sis re what brand/kind & to let u know if needs change). Might consider delivered meal weekly. I'd love a weekend a month respite by trustworthy family. A cleaning lady every other week would be nice too (but would have to b careful how suggested so she didn't feel u were saying her house is dirty). Maybe list a number of the suggestions & ask which she would see as helpful. Also kick the long distance sib in the rear as most of these things can b done via distance even if can't visit (& consistent face time calls to dad should b included).
One day, Sister called breathing fire how her daughter, my niece, had scammed Mom of every penny. Mom gave the money freely but Niece relied on Mom not remembering. Long story short, I asked them to get me the POAs for Mom (financial and medical) and I could do all Mom's finances and deal with all the insurance companies, et al. All my two sisters had to do was care for Mom's person and her home. (Side note: from my mouth to Niece's ears, I told her in no uncertain terms if she took a penny from Mom I WOULD call the police.) They still sacrificed a lot, but they were so grateful not to have to deal with Mom's finances or the insurance companies.
I sent them a monthly "statement" (sanitized of bank names and account numbers because Mom tended to throw papers away) so they could ALL see where every penny of Mom's money went.
Could you do this for your father (and sister)? With the internet and setting up auto-pay for bills, it wasn't so bad of a task.
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