My sister and her husband are the caregivers for my dad. What can I do to help her from far away?

She is a good soul and has taken on something that is destroying her. Perfectly understandable - I don't think she is angry at you but the mess she finds herself in. Ask her point blank what YOU can do to help her. She may not know or become unreasonable. I have no idea of finances here but she has to have a break. Please find a way (with research) to get a caretaker or place him so she has a life a gain.

I cared for my mom in my home for 15 years. Over time an unnatural codependency can occur. Often times, we aren’t able to turn off the ‘caregiving’ setting. We get stuck!

I think the ultimate question is. ‘Would I do this all over again?’ My answer would be, ‘No!’ At least, not as a permanent, long term solution. Temporarily, until a solution is found is still hard but sometimes necessary. Long term caregiving is torturous.

I was extremely confused. I equated caregiving with love and a sense of duty. Of course, it is an expression of love. That doesn’t mean that those who don’t do the ‘hands on’ caregiving don’t love their parents. In fact, I feel that caregiving for a parent changes the dynamics of a relationship so drastically, that in some cases it slowly destroys the bond between parent and child.

Caregivers take on a huge responsibility and questioned every step of the way. It’s emotionally and physically draining to be the primary caregiver. So, I truly appreciate your concern for your sister. My siblings did not help me during my caregiving days.

Can dad travel? Invite him to your home for a week or two. Sometimes, I would have appreciated having my house to myself like I had before mom moved in. Other times, I wanted to go out for a change of scenery and do something that I enjoyed

Is your sister doing all of the caregiving for free as I did? This will cause resentment and certainly isn’t fair if she isn’t being compensated for her work.

Did your sister quit her job like I did? This creates a horrible situation.

So, being a caregiver is not as ‘rewarding’ as some people claim that it is. It can be quite destructive in our lives. Maybe the absolute best thing that you can do for your sister is to convince dad that it is truly best everyone not to depend on his child for his card and then help him find a suitable facility to live in. Is that a feasible option for your dad?

Send her gift cards for delivered meals.

Oh how I wish all siblings would ask this question! Bless you for wanting to help.

One of the hardest parts of being a caregiver is knowing how to ask for help. You HAVE to have a support network, usually made up of family, friends, church and paid caregivers. If you can't afford to hire reliable caregivers to give you some respite - and they are very expensive and hard to find - you have to rely on whomever you can for an ongoing commitment. That is hard to get. The primary caregiver ends up like a contractor, trying to manage resources/calendar/finances, making lots of decisions and also putting in most of the care-giving. Very hard to do with a full time job.

I think you should go to lunch with your sister or take an afternoon to shadow her and find out how she handles it, where she is struggling and ask her where you can help out. Some families have good luck if one takes on the financial responsibilities, one takes the medical appointments, and one takes the daily living things like groceries, meals, medicines, clothing, running the household, hiring a cleaning person, etc. I asked two of my siblings to stand in for the PT caregiver I hired when she went on vacation and I think it was an eye opener for them. They never questioned how much I paid her after that. (I paid them too.)

Your sister needs to be paid for her taking care of your father. It is not surprising she wants to stick around and visit with you when you visit your father. After all, she is family too. One of the things I came to resent was everyone's assumption that I would always be the one to provide transportation to family events for my father. I became the chauffer and he got all the attention.

While there are a lot of good suggestions, the best way to approach this is to ask HER what you can do to help. She may not want the help others have suggested - be specific though. Just saying I'd like to help isn't enough. You have offered to stay with him so she can have a break, yet she won't leave him alone overnight. Have you asked her why?

Go there and have a heart to heart with her. Tell her you want to help take some of the burden off, but she needs to be specific in what help would be best for her. I'd also want to understand why she refuses to leave him, even for one night, so she can have a break. Hopefully when you do go there, you don't sit and get waited on - take on things you can while there. Order food in or prepare meals for everyone. Take on the shopping. Find out what supplies are needed for dad and see if you can arrange regular orders, to save her time. Same for her own regular non-perishable supplies (paper towels, TP, etc.)

It is best to find out from her what you can do that would help her the most. You also need to know what she's willing to accept for help from outsiders (hands on care, bathing, etc.) and then see how you can arrange it. Even if she won't leave, having extra hands may be helpful, but only if she is willing to have them in her home (or his.)

We can suggest, but she is the one who has to accept the help. Tell her how much she is appreciated for the great job she does caring for your dad. Also say it seems like she is a bit overworked or overwhelmed and you want to do all you can to help. Tell her you need her to specify what help/tasks you can take on that works for her. Encourage her to take a break, even if it's only during the day, when you are there. If she won't stay away overnight, there's not much you can do to make her. Maybe she feels you don't know how to care for him properly, since you aren't there all the time. So, ask her to make a list of things to be done and demonstrate how or have you take it on while she's there, so you can learn her "methods" and make her feel more confident that you can "handle" the job of his care overnight.

How is her husband doing in all this? Could he be enlisted to help convince her to take a brief (or longer) respite break? Whether he's doing any or a lot of the care taking or not, I'm sure it takes a toll on their relationship! He might be able to talk her into a day trip, maybe an overnight away and eventually an actual vacation. All work and no play...

Your sister bears an incredible burden. Show up and do what ever it takes to help her out. You are an exception a lot of siblings don't care and disappear.

You might want to arrange for some in home care several times a week so that your sister can get away. Your sister sorely needs a break and I would try to arrange that asap.

Go there for vacation to care for Mom for a week and give her that time off. It'll take pressure off for a while. Or pay for a week of caregiving services while she vacations.

Imho, there is a myriad of ways that you could lend assistance from afar, e.g. pay for meal delivery, hire a cleaning and a laundry service, set up grocery delivery - for starters.

I was in your sister's shoes with a sister who had co POA 4 hours away. You need to go up and be with her every 6 weeks at least. Go see your dad and just be with her and support her.
My sister came up every 6 weeks to see him and support me once I expressed to her how I needed her involvement. Four hours is an easy drive so don’t say it isn’t. Gift her a massage.
when I read your profile, I find it odd that sister won’t go away with her husband. Have you actually asked her why she won’t leave him with you?
you sound like a genuinely caring sister and for that I applaud you. You can’t help her if she won’t let you. I think it's time for a serious sit down: ask her why she won’t let you relieve her, ask what is it that makes her upset, and ask what can you do to help. The only other option is to set up an appointment either together in person or zoom with a therapist to hash these things out. Your sister should not be angry if she won’t let you help. Something else is going on.
thank you for posting and caring about her.

Ask her! Offer to take over financial duties, balance the checkbook, follow up on medical and insurance needs, research anything that can save her time and effort.

I once asked my sister to research a medical alert for Mom and she sent me a link to a Google page with a list of companies. Not really what I needed!

Once every month or two, go stay with your dad for a week to give your sister some down time.

Flowers don't make up for hands on care and household maintenance.

Help arrange and pay for periodic respite care to give your sister a break. Help with expenses for maintaining the home.

Here are a few ideas:

Hire housekeeping for her so she can scratch that task off her list.

Pay for a grocery delivery service.

Pay for lawn/yard service.

With brother, pay for home health aid to come weekly so she can have some "time off."

She’s blessed to have you considering her feelings and wellbeing. A lot of us caregivers don’t have such support. All I get from my out of town sisters are moaning, groaning and complaining. They are excellent at criticizing everything I do for our mom and when they were coming to help, it was more trouble than help with their constant criticism. Please consider giving your sister a much deserved break by letting her take a mini-vacation. If not, she’ll burn out and eventually become even more bitter towards the entire situation.

Call dad, daily if need be, and keep him company, giving your sister a break.

I am the one in your sister's position. I've been the main caregiver for my parents because I am the one that lives nearby. My Dad passed away several months ago, and while Mom still lives independently she needs checking in on and company. My 2 brothers and 2 sisters regularly thank me, but its not a big help. And it's hard to think of things to do regularly and remotely.
There are good ideas here already like arrange supply delivery, and take over the bills.
One thing I would LOVE and APPRECIATE is one day a week when I can turn my phone off! I have it with me all the time and every time a message or e-mail comes in I feel I have to at least check. Even at work. Mom may have fallen, or needs something, or she's scared or worried and just needs reassurance. That has been often since Dad died. Or to chat. Or to........You get it, she calls and texts a lot! And she's a night owl. If my phone rings at 2 am I answer. But it's always "Oh honey, I thought you'd still be up."
But someday it's going to be an emergency so I have to answer each time.
If my siblings would rotate I could turn my phone off every Tuesday and they can get the calls one day every 5 weeks.
If you called your Dad once a week and spent 30 minutes on the phone, at your convenience, that will relieve your sister of a 30 minute phone call that day. What to talk about? What's new with you, your kids, your dog, your job. (medical updates don't count). Recall family vacations or events from the past. Talk about a pet. Ask what he would do if he won the lottery. Tell him what you would do. Talk about hobbies, like gardening or fishing or wood working. Ask him leading questions so he can initiate topics. Choose actors you'd like to cast in a movie about your family or a book. (One of our favorites!) Play oral word games.
(I don't recall mention of dementia in your post. That changes everything!)
I have not been on vacation in 4 years. Has your sister? Twice a year arrange to go stay with Dad for a week, or bring him to your house. Sister doesn't have to go anywhere fancy or far if she doesn't want to. A week off spent uninterrupted at home could be a blessing. (Note the uninterrupted part! If you do this you can't be calling sis with questions, updates, complaints, etc. When she comes back is when you ask how in the world she does it!)
Arrange "play-dates" for Dad. Many places have geriatric day care. Research it yourself. Call his friends and see if they'd like to visit Dad, see him at their home, or go out together. Or a friendly neighbor or family friend nearby. Visiting at a friend's can be a welcome change of scenery. Better yet, if he is mobile let them go someplace. Go out for breakfast, or Lunch, ice cream, shoot pool at a local spot, go fishing, see a movie. Is he a birdwatcher, museum lover? My Father just loved to get in the car and be driven around. Once you have a friend, then arrange a driver. If he has an aide they can do it (be sure to pay mileage if they use their own car). Uber, Lyft, or a cab can be rented for a few hours. Even a limo service might have a passenger car and driver arrangement. It doesn't need to be more than a few hours. It might cost a bit since you have to arrange it remotely, but a few hours out for Dad is a few hours off duty for sis. They will both be recharged.
And finally, use your imagination. Constantly asking sis what you can do to help actually gives her another burden. Now she has to think of something. Then figure out what is needed so you can do that for her. Then relate all the info...(sure sis, I'd love it if you could verify something about the new medicine. Call the doc, his number is..., then ask these particular questions about it. When you get the info, let me know what they say".
By the time it's explained she could have done it herself!)
What I would appreciate most is respite. And I bet your sis agrees.
But keep the flowers coming, they are always appreciated!

I have no suggestions as I am floored that a sister such as you exists. You are so wonderful to think of her and want to help. My sister couldn't be more of the opposite from you. Sorry for this non-helpful post. I just had to tell you how wonderful you are and how lucky your sister is to have you. Your parent(s) did something very right....

Use your strengths. My out-of-town sister calls the insurance company when needed. I hate doing that. That little thing is a big help. She set up auto pay for bills which helped a lot. Knowing there’s another person out there who cares about my mom helps. She just came to town this weekend, and the excitement and fun of having her here helped a lot. I wish she’d come more. I wish she’d come once a month instead of maybe once a year.

Flowers just won't cut it. Good intention, but doesn't really help. Maybe a few moments of feeling good when delivery arrives.

Call sis and give her some of your time - ask her if she and her hubs would like to get out of the house for a while. You go there and stay with dad. Tell her it's an open offer to use when she's ready - and will be open throughout the year. You will keep her informed of when you/your family makes plans so that her needs and your needs don't overlap. What you don't want is for her to finally ask and you tell her, sorry we already made plans for that week.

What she needs more than flowers and pep talks is help.

I am in the role of the caregiver to my mom who has dementia. I am and have been burned out. Through this process, seldom the caregivers often get overlooked. I admire you for thinking of your sister. I can give a whole list of ideas-as these are things I wish someone would do for me. Now if she isn't willing to get away overnight somewhere, how about the following:
1. Having a meal(s) delivered if delivery is available in their area.
2. Subscription to Netflix or Redbox
3. Membership to BN Book club along with a gift card
4. Gift certificate for spa or nail salon
5. Prepare a gift box that you can send or having one prepared and sent.

Think of what would give her a moment of joy and at least put a smile on her face for that time. Caregiving is a dubious, 24/7 responsibility, so anything pleasant even if it is short lived is appreciated. By the way, don't forget about the spouse, especially if he is supportive of her.

She needs to be encouraged, strongly, to try leaving him overnight. When my stepdad passed away over 1 1/2 years ago, my sister and I hoped our 87 year old mom could stay in the house a few days while we found a placement for her in AL. Stepdad had assured us she could not be left alone. We tried it to see how she would do. One and half years living alone, and doing just fine. We don't let her cook anymore. My sister and I take turns going over to have dinner with her. We make sure she has breakfast food, a salad or other lunch. Then we either take her out or bring in a hot dinner.

There have been adjustments we have had to make as a problem comes up and her memory gets worse, but she is still at home. It's been an interruption for us to each have to plan our day around going over there so often, but it would be SO much worse if we couldn't sleep in our own bed.

Sounds like your sister is just burned out.

I was the sister in town, my sisters are both half-way across the country. I was responsible for managing medicines, medical care, finances, and two caregivers who provided 24-7 care. I took my turn once a week for an overnight stay as caregiver. That was more than enough to wear me out.
My sisters flew in when they could. When it was a matter of providing company and fixing meals, my sisters would be responsible for my mom overnight. As her care got medically more complicated, they would stay with her, with a caregiver to come in and take care of my mom.
Weekly phone calls where I could discuss my mother's condition with my sisters helped a ton. When they sent flowers it was nice, but did make me think I might be complaining too much. They also called my mom twice a week each, so she had one of us there or calling every day.
I wouldn't push your sister into taking a vacation, or getting in-home help, but let her know that you think it would be wise of her, and would not harm your dad. She will have to acknowledge her need before she accepts the idea. Let her know you have her back, and make specific offers "Would you like for me to research respite care in the area?" instead of "What can I do to help?" Or, "Why don't I stay a week? We can visit for the weekend, then you could take a few days off."
And, yes I got angry and depressed at times. I learned to accept it, the way I accept arthritis, not much fun, but something I can deal with. It is not an easy time, and someone has to bear the brunt of it.

Could you possibly arrange a house cleaner for her , even just once a month ? A spa day ? She is overwhelmed, and a caregiver is a 24/7 job , no holidays or weekends off .

A caregiver usually needs a break to reset and recharge. Is it possible you can come visit for a long weekend where your sister can take a mini vacation to get a break. I think it would do her a world of good. The 'trapped' feeling a caregiver often has can be somewhat helped by just a few days of not having to worry about them and to focus on themselves. If you have the time/money I am sure your sister would appreciate it.

Does it look like your sister will bear this responsibility for many years? Or is there an end in sight? (That sounds like an awful way to put it.)

One thing that keeps me going with my husband's issues is that my daughters have said that once their dad has passed (his life expectancy is less than two years), we three will take a trip together. That gives me something to look forward to, and eventually start to actively plan. The wrench in my works is that my 90yo father, currently living alone and doing okay, may end up needing me if he does not pass before my husband. In fact, I'd be there with dad right now if it wasn't for my husband. I can't do both.

So, how about giving your sister something to look forward to?

Honestly the phone calls asking how both mom and caregiver are doing meant the most to me. Just those calls a couple times a week reminded me that although we weren’t out and about anymore we were still very much in my sisters heart and on her mind. We laid mom to rest last week, It was my honor to be the one that was by her side the last few years. I feel blessed to be able to do for mom what she would and did do for me. Maybe mail your mom a card every once in a while she would probably enjoy that.
God Bless and good luck.

Continue to do what you are doing - give her moral support - how well she has and is doing. Try and help her find humor in her day - I can almost guarantee she needs to smile and have a good laugh. Make sure she is caring for herself. If possible try and visit more - I know life is so busy. But make a visit and have heart to heart with sis. Ask her what she really, really, really wants? Has caring for dad gotten to be too much - but she feels guilty about saying so because by saying it - it would be failing dad?

My mom's younger sister and husband had his mother come to live with them. The wise woman she was - she told my aunt and uncle that when caring for her was too much they were to put her in a facility and feel no guilt.

Your sister needs to know that if caring has become too much - it is NOT a failure - it means there are not enough of her to care for dad 24/7 (Even if you were there - there wouldn't be enough of the two of you.) Placing dad in a facility near her DOES NOT make her a failure. She did all she could - probably more than she should, but now is the time to find dad a new home where there will be staff present 24/7/365 or 366. She WILL still be his caregiver - but her role will change to that of advocate - making sure dad's needs are met; to smooth out wrinkles and solve problems that crop up from time to time.

Maybe you could do research of facilities in her area and make some phone calls, get their literature, then when you visit - you and sis (and if bro can make the trip) can go and visit your top picks.

Good luck and may your entire family be blessed with peace and grace.

Unless they are very well off, send as much money as you can. Send cash and trust them to spend it correctly. If money is not as issue, be sure to call at least once a day and let them vent to you about all the frustrations of the day. Then thank them deeply and sincerely every day and encourage them.

You Should definitely help financially!!!! With all the costs caregiving entails !!!
as well you can pay for some regular home care or housekeeping that would give your sister much needed respite. Make it routine and regular and not a one-off.
telling her what a great job she’s doing or sending her a bouquet flowers isn’t help !!!
no wonder she’s cranky ... she’s exhausted!!! Can’t believe you have to be told all this ????
well you’ve come to the right forum
we’ve all been thru this and have lots ideas ... but an occasion bouquet
isn’t help !!!!

I lived in another state while my two sisters took care of Mom (dementia and other illnesses) who lived in her own home. They'd drop everything to come to her aid until it was obvious Mom needed round-the-clock support. One sister moved in. I felt guilty I couldn't do more though I came once to stay for three weeks to live with Mom and fix things around her house so Sister could go live in her own home for awhile. I always felt guilty I couldn't do more.

One day, Sister called breathing fire how her daughter, my niece, had scammed Mom of every penny. Mom gave the money freely but Niece relied on Mom not remembering. Long story short, I asked them to get me the POAs for Mom (financial and medical) and I could do all Mom's finances and deal with all the insurance companies, et al. All my two sisters had to do was care for Mom's person and her home. (Side note: from my mouth to Niece's ears, I told her in no uncertain terms if she took a penny from Mom I WOULD call the police.) They still sacrificed a lot, but they were so grateful not to have to deal with Mom's finances or the insurance companies.

I sent them a monthly "statement" (sanitized of bank names and account numbers because Mom tended to throw papers away) so they could ALL see where every penny of Mom's money went.

Could you do this for your father (and sister)? With the internet and setting up auto-pay for bills, it wasn't so bad of a task.