My sister is the youngest sibling, this should be my job, not hers but she is the one that lives in the same town. I live 4 hours away and my brother is in a different state. She will not leave my dad over night, and when I am there she feels like she needs to be with us (family's in town). I send her flowers I tell her how great she is doing, but there doesn't seem to be anything I can do for her. She is getting angry and bitter, not really at anyone just in general. I really want to help her but I do not know how. Any ideas?
Go there and have a heart to heart with her. Tell her you want to help take some of the burden off, but she needs to be specific in what help would be best for her. I'd also want to understand why she refuses to leave him, even for one night, so she can have a break. Hopefully when you do go there, you don't sit and get waited on - take on things you can while there. Order food in or prepare meals for everyone. Take on the shopping. Find out what supplies are needed for dad and see if you can arrange regular orders, to save her time. Same for her own regular non-perishable supplies (paper towels, TP, etc.)
It is best to find out from her what you can do that would help her the most. You also need to know what she's willing to accept for help from outsiders (hands on care, bathing, etc.) and then see how you can arrange it. Even if she won't leave, having extra hands may be helpful, but only if she is willing to have them in her home (or his.)
We can suggest, but she is the one who has to accept the help. Tell her how much she is appreciated for the great job she does caring for your dad. Also say it seems like she is a bit overworked or overwhelmed and you want to do all you can to help. Tell her you need her to specify what help/tasks you can take on that works for her. Encourage her to take a break, even if it's only during the day, when you are there. If she won't stay away overnight, there's not much you can do to make her. Maybe she feels you don't know how to care for him properly, since you aren't there all the time. So, ask her to make a list of things to be done and demonstrate how or have you take it on while she's there, so you can learn her "methods" and make her feel more confident that you can "handle" the job of his care overnight.
How is her husband doing in all this? Could he be enlisted to help convince her to take a brief (or longer) respite break? Whether he's doing any or a lot of the care taking or not, I'm sure it takes a toll on their relationship! He might be able to talk her into a day trip, maybe an overnight away and eventually an actual vacation. All work and no play...
One of the hardest parts of being a caregiver is knowing how to ask for help. You HAVE to have a support network, usually made up of family, friends, church and paid caregivers. If you can't afford to hire reliable caregivers to give you some respite - and they are very expensive and hard to find - you have to rely on whomever you can for an ongoing commitment. That is hard to get. The primary caregiver ends up like a contractor, trying to manage resources/calendar/finances, making lots of decisions and also putting in most of the care-giving. Very hard to do with a full time job.
I think you should go to lunch with your sister or take an afternoon to shadow her and find out how she handles it, where she is struggling and ask her where you can help out. Some families have good luck if one takes on the financial responsibilities, one takes the medical appointments, and one takes the daily living things like groceries, meals, medicines, clothing, running the household, hiring a cleaning person, etc. I asked two of my siblings to stand in for the PT caregiver I hired when she went on vacation and I think it was an eye opener for them. They never questioned how much I paid her after that. (I paid them too.)
Your sister needs to be paid for her taking care of your father. It is not surprising she wants to stick around and visit with you when you visit your father. After all, she is family too. One of the things I came to resent was everyone's assumption that I would always be the one to provide transportation to family events for my father. I became the chauffer and he got all the attention.
I think the ultimate question is. ‘Would I do this all over again?’ My answer would be, ‘No!’ At least, not as a permanent, long term solution. Temporarily, until a solution is found is still hard but sometimes necessary. Long term caregiving is torturous.
I was extremely confused. I equated caregiving with love and a sense of duty. Of course, it is an expression of love. That doesn’t mean that those who don’t do the ‘hands on’ caregiving don’t love their parents. In fact, I feel that caregiving for a parent changes the dynamics of a relationship so drastically, that in some cases it slowly destroys the bond between parent and child.
Caregivers take on a huge responsibility and questioned every step of the way. It’s emotionally and physically draining to be the primary caregiver. So, I truly appreciate your concern for your sister. My siblings did not help me during my caregiving days.
Can dad travel? Invite him to your home for a week or two. Sometimes, I would have appreciated having my house to myself like I had before mom moved in. Other times, I wanted to go out for a change of scenery and do something that I enjoyed
Is your sister doing all of the caregiving for free as I did? This will cause resentment and certainly isn’t fair if she isn’t being compensated for her work.
Did your sister quit her job like I did? This creates a horrible situation.
So, being a caregiver is not as ‘rewarding’ as some people claim that it is. It can be quite destructive in our lives. Maybe the absolute best thing that you can do for your sister is to convince dad that it is truly best everyone not to depend on his child for his card and then help him find a suitable facility to live in. Is that a feasible option for your dad?