We want to care for him at home. She isolates him & won't. We want him out of there but my sister blocks us. He is in hell and needs to be with his family. The assisted facility agrees with my sister because they want their 7000 a month. Help. Can we take him out?
If you have never cared for a person with Dementia, its hard work. Its like having a toddler. Never know what they are going to do. Waking up all hours of the night. Gets their days and nights mixed up. They get angry and paranoid. No matter where they live they want to go home. Some "shadow" meaning they follow you around everywhere. (this in itself would drive me nuts)
Dad will get worse. He will need more care than anyone can give. Like said, ALs are usually geared to socialization. To him it may seem like hell because its unfamiliar. But he needs to adjust. Some ALs recommend family stay away for a while to let people adjust. I feel that may feel like being abandoned by the person. So you visit just for a little while.
Dad gave sister the authority to make decisions for him. She felt that this was what he needed. He gets meals, help with meds, is safe and clean. There are activities, usually little concerts. Holiday parties, birthday parties. He has freedom to walk around the facility. Probably has an outside area he can go to.
Please, don't fight with ur sister on this. She has a hard job in deciding what is right for Dad. Help Dad adjust. Better now than later. At Moms facility a man newly brought in could not stay in one place. He tried to escape more than once. I heard one of the aides say, "they waited too long". I knew what she meant. Visit but make it short. He needs to rely on the personnel.
If sister is banning you, it may be because the facility asked he not have too many visitors until he adjusts. Or, she is afraid ur going to upset him telling him ur taking him home. Its now what Dad needs, not what he wants. If you want to be there for him, you have to go along with sister's decision. Enjoy him while you can.
Too many people think dementia is just being a little confused, or needing re-direction now and then, maybe making special meals, or just basics of bathing and everyday tasks. Just keeping an eye on them more. They assume their elder will be compliant and grateful, and the caretaker pats themselves on the back for being such a good son/daughter. They truly think love will be enough to handle the job.
It may start out that way, but before long it gets worse. And worse. It gets to be more than the caretaker can handle. That's when you see the posts here about caretakers who are exhausted, getting sicker by the day, and have come to resent their elder-- as much as they don't want to, they do.
Dementia doesn't 'stay put'. It keeps going no matter how many meds or therapies they have. No matter how much you love them. No matter how much you think you could do a better job at home.
If you disagree with her plan for his care, you can apply to the courts to appoint you as his guardian and annul the DPOA. It would extremely expensive, very difficult to satisfy the court that your plan for him is better, and then... what if things don't turn out as you expect and you find you're not able to give him the care he needs?
There are almost certainly better ways to improve your father's quality of life than by getting into a battle with your sister over where he should live. Don't forget that your father *gave* your sister this authority to make decisions for him.
I'm just asking, I'm not challenging you: do you have real, practical experience of taking care of a person with dementia?
As a practical matter, most people with dementia will get to a stage of the disease where they require 24/7 supervision that is difficult to provide in a home environment and will need to relocate to AL/MC care level to be safe. Even if your father isn't quite there yet, he will be. Moving is very disorienting for people with dementia; however, moves seem to work out better earlier in the progression when the senior has more capacity to cope with changes. While I understand your desire to care for your father in his home, he really may be better off to enter the AL now.
I suggest you refocus your energies on trying to help your father adapt to his new home and not start a family fight over Dad's care. This is a very difficult journey; it only gets harder if siblings start fighting over care choices. Your sister is most likely following the recommendation of your father's doctors and isn't finding this situation any easier than you are. In any case, your father chose your sister to be his POA and make decisions in his best interest if/when he was no longer able to make those decisions himself. Unfortunately that day has come.
I don't know how long he has been in a home, but it takes awhile for them to adjust and they will complain to anyone who will listen, it is just what they do, if he has been there for a short time he needs to acclimate to his new home. It is very difficult to isolate someone in a home, there is always someone around to either care for him or talk to him.