My father is 95 yrs old, has dementia and is in a wheelchair, my mom is 88 and also in a wheelchair. They are currently in memory care. I am seriously considering not bringing them to my sons wedding. They will need help getting there, help while there and assistance getting back to facility. I’m sure family members will step in to help, but I will be a nervous wreck worrying about them. Am I just being too selfish? Will they even remember what’s going on?? They are both confused on most days. I don’t want to be the “bad” person here. Wow, guess I answered my own question. Still would like your opinions. Thanks.
If your parents are confused on most days, I should have thought the full wedding experience would be an exhausting ordeal for them. It has nothing to do with your selfishness, it's about whether they would benefit and whether they would bring extra joy and pride to the occasion.
I'm sure your son would be very proud of them no matter what; but he'd never forgive himself if something awful happened to them because the wedding was just too much.
My uncle insisted on bringing my aunt w/Alzheimer's to my parents' 50th anniversary party at a restaurant 9 years ago, and it was way too much for her to handle. She was confused and spent a good 45 minutes wailing in the bathroom while her daughters comforted her before they finally decided to take her back home (almost 2 hours away).
My dad, who was in the early stages himself, was very upset to see his sister in such distress. It was the last time much of the family ever saw our aunt, and it's a sad way to have to remember her.
My parents went to see her a few weeks later, and they had a lovely, peaceful visit in the comfort of her own home.
If your parents are able to sit quietly and enjoy, by all means, have them there. Hire someone (or 2 people) to completely get them ready, to sit with them throughout the event and to take them home. If you can’t hire someone, appoint a family member to help in this way.
Give yourself a break for this special family event.
This topic has been discussed on the forum. I personally would not do it. They will have no idea what is going on and will get overwhelmed easily. This is YOUR day. There will be so much to do. Like said, you are going out of your way for 2 people who will not remember it. Then the incontinence. Do you really want to have to change two people in a public bathroom? In your wedding attire?
There was one member whose Mom already had a caregiver. They paid the caregiver to bring Mom to the wedding. Attend to her the whole time and take her home when she was ready. It worked for her.
I think another member mentioned the couple went to the facility so grands could see them dressed.
Look at it this way, would you be doing it for you out of guilt or for them. Because if for them, they will have no idea what is going on.
I took her to her 70th! HS class reunion and she looked probably one the worst there. She did manage to get her walker over the rough ground and we found a shady place for her to sit, but she was very upset by the varying degrees of aging she saw amongst her classmates. (I think out of a class of about 250, there were about 40, plus their caregivers.) Nobody fussed at her, none of her closest HS friends are alive anymore..she herself looked old, much older than the 87 she was...and then one gal gets up (former cheerleader) and leaps onto the picnic table bench and proceeds to lead them all in some old fight songs. The sad, sad difference between this woman and mom (honestly, most of the women) was the final straw and mom wanted to go home. Maybe 30 minutes, as I had told her I wasn't hauling her 50 miles to eat a sandwich and turn around and take her back home.
I would take videos and such of the wedding day and show them to the folks after the fact. My dad did make it to my daughter's wedding, but he was unable sit up so we had to bring him in on a gurney type thing--he fell asleep and snored...then when the ceremony was closing he wakes up and starts talking, very loudly that he needs to go to the bathroom.
I have no idea if he was aware of where he was. In fact, my sweet daughter was a good sport about it, but I kiboshed him coming to any other weddings.
We are torn between wanting 'family' there, but we need to weigh in how checked in or out the elders are. My MIL came to a baptism and confirmation of 2 of our grandkids a couple weeks ago, She had NO IDEA who they even were. And the kids didn't know who she was.
All the events, while ignored by others, made me really, really sad. I hate seeing the decline and I hate the demands they make that they come to all things--or worse, say to wait until the day of and cancel on us.
Most couples are lucky to get 5-minutes with each wedding guest. What are your parents going to do with themselves the other 235 minutes?
And I have been that family member who, in formal attire, needed to help my MIL, also in formal attire, into a bathroom stall. Somehow when one is wearing an evening gown and heels, a bathroom stall feels like the size of a shoebox.
Early on in my mom's dementia I took her to my aunt's funeral (her sister-in-law) and with all the people coming up to hug her and love on her but she had no idea who they were she kind of shut down. She was so much more confused than normal for a couple of weeks after we returned home. It was just too much for her. Emotional and sensory overload.
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