Let me begin with, yes my mother is a Narcissist. Growing up, it has always been about her. She had 4 of us, one she sent way to foster care. The other three she pit against each other. She lies like no tomorrow. There is no room to love others because of her own selfishness. My father always worked and was never home. So she yelled, pushed arounds her kids, and ignored us as much as possible. I was the one that she admitted she hated as a child. How ironic, I am the only one that is taking care of her..Today she had many medical issues that forced her with my family that includes my mental ill husband, and ADHD son.
What was I thinking!! She lies ALL THE TIME, to family, doctors, etc. Refuses to do what she had to do to stay alive. Yet, if she thinks she is having a heart attach, call 911 now! Then when caught in lie or deception she hates life and wants to die. She is still trying to pit my own family against each other. She fake cries, lies all the time when corrected. Then when she doea nor get up and walk, she falls, unstable,gets dizzy. When she gets up every hour and walks her stability returns to normal.
My husband takes care of her. He came down with mental illness 2 years ago from high stress managent job. It is chaos daily. He tries and tries to get her to do the right thing, she lies, he feeds her balanced meals as instructed by Dr. She refuses or cries or lies. She has CHF and has to walk every hour and drink 6 8oz water daily. I come home from work, he is stressed, she is stressed. She does not walk, too tired, 1 glass of water Total and she is dehydrated. She is now longing for my attention, my son NEEDS my attention, my husband needs my attention. My mother puts on her narcissist behavior, starts crying, hand over face. Then starts, nobody cares or loves me. My husband now in anxiety attach, he has had enough, my son want mother, cant handle the chaos my mother is causing.
I am told by doctors she will die within 3 months if in nursing home because she has to walk every hour. Most of our battle..well lies, walking and drinking.
My grandmother had CHF and went to rehab, died 2 months later of CHF. If I can keep her, she will live. We kept her alive for 11 months but at everyones expense.
This family is stressed out.
I am stressed, working, trying to mend my family and I just want to put my mother in time out, in her room! I cant hand handle much more. Oh, my sisters and brother dont want her. And my mom is a Christian that lies, deceives and hurts others.
I dont know what to do. I started to lay ground rules and she does more fake cries, pouts, negative talking that nobody loves her. Husband is over it, losing patience, son losing patience and losing respect for grandmother.
And my mother seems to be holding the strings!
One minute she is crying and 5 minutes later laughing at the cat or dog! The family is upset because of her actions, and she acts like nothing is wrong!
Help, I dont know what to do anymore. I am out of ideas to bring this house together in Harmony.
1. You. Because if you go under, so does everybody else. What do *you* need to keep functioning?
2. Your husband. Because if he melts down, your son and your mother will lose his crucial input.
3. Your son. Because he's your son.
4. Your mother. Because she's your mother, and you are a compassionate person.
But at the moment, the person who should be the lowest priority is taking over everything else. You look after your mother in your home because you fear for her health and her happiness. So. Is she healthy? No. Is she happy? No. Looking after her in your home is not even working for *her*, let alone the higher priority members of the family.
You are not responsible for your mother's chronic heart disease. You are not responsible for her chronic misery, nor for her mental instability.
You are responsible for making the decisions that impact on your family's wellbeing. So if changes need to be made - hint: they do - it is up to you to make them.
A good nursing home will not neglect your mother's needs. The 'up and about every hour' prescription - you may find that they're actually better able to cope with that than your poor husband is, because they won't care if your mother argues with them. But in any case, your mother is too big a handful for two people. She needs a whole team. Place her, as fast as you can.
Is your mother's mind okay other than being narcissistic? I would say if it is, then let her know what she needs to do, then if she doesn't do it, then it is her decision. It is sad that your husband has to be around her. Living with someone who is like that is torture. Believe I know! I wish there was another option for the sake of your family. Daily stress can ruin people's lives when it goes on too long. What does he think you should do about your mother? He and your son are your primary concern. You are concerned that your mother would only last 3 months in a NH because she won't walk or drink enough. How long has she been living at your home? She hasn't been doing the things she needs to do, so it doesn't seem that things are any different than it would be at a NH.
Having that person who caused you such pain living in your home and causing your family more heartache sounds troublesome. Do you think that she has changed for the better? Not likely. Did you go through therapy to get past it? If not, then, I don't see how you expect things to be good. Plus, it sounds like mom might be having some cognitive issues herself. If that's the case, she may be progressing to become even more difficult to manage.
I'm not sure what you are trying to accomplish, since your mom would be perfectly cared for elsewhere, since, it's apparently not working in your home. I'd explore where she can be placed and then do it. If she has the funds to cover it, they can be applied and if not, apply her for Medicaid.
I don't understand allowing your mom, who didn't do right by you to make your husband, who has his own medical problems miserable in his own home. I can't see how it would help your son either, if she is impossible to accommodate. Living with a person who is miserable, depressed and generally, unhealthy can take a toll on you and your family. It sounds like a big sacrifice for no real gain. I'd also consider counseling for yourself, as your pain still sounds fresh.
My experience with narcissists
I can tell you that the narcissist behavior will never stop and that it's just a different pattern of the abuse cycle and in less you've actually been physically abused, you'll never understand the cycle. Hindsight is a very good teacher and there are different abuse types that you may not recognize even though you may have been in one or two. You may have experience was with one or two abuse types but you may not be able to spot or recognize unfamiliar ones. Sometimes we must go through something in order to understand it because sometimes it takes experience to learn a lesson. Sadly, something people must go through the same thing over and over and over until they get it but other times they must go through it because there's no escape. I can tell you as an abuse survivor that the only way to have a peaceful life is to cut off the person who is hurting you because they don't care about you or anyone else, they only care about themselves and not the needs of others. Cutting them out of your life may very well include dumping them somewhere if they are living in your home, but dump them as far away as possible, change the locks and your number. Selfish people will go to great links to make sure the needs of even their own people are never met, I know this for a fact because I grew up around two drunken abusive and very selfish parents. It's sad how selfish people very often end up using even their own, only to leave them struggling in ruin and not provide for their needs later in life despite not providing for them during childhood. I think new laws should be made to crack down on all abuse types, meaning that new laws would make some kind of provision for abuse survivors if those laws don't already exist.
Narcissistic people are very capable of tremendous damage toward their victims, and doesn't it seem funny they often attract the company of other victims and sometimes other narcissists? Now I know what's meant by birds of a feather flock together because they really do flock together. The kind of person you are will reflect what kind of company you keep, and whatever kind of company you keep speaks volumes of you. You may or may not agree with everything your type of company does or supports, but if you don't support it, don't do it or you become just like them. If you don't want to become narcissistic, don't hang with narcissists and learn their behavior. What you need right now is to hang with only healthy company and sever toxic relationships that are poisoning you without you knowing it.
Before judging anything I say, try walking a mile where I've been because you have no idea until you've been where I have. Most people couldn't handle where I've been nor could they have survived what I survived. I don't think you could handle where I've been, but I've learned many lessons, and I have the sense to not deal with those types of situations ever again. Yep, I've developed a no nonsense strategy of no tolerance whatsoever.
You say she won't do what's necessary to stay alive? OK then, let her die if she wants it that way. I can tell you right now she's just keeping the illness cycle going on, I've seen this kind of behavior before with an elderly friend who is now dead. If they don't want to take necessary steps to stay alive and healthy, then just let them go because they have a death wish. I can tell you I've seen this before, I've known different types of narcissists before, and isn't it strange how they just keep the illness cycle going and don't even try to make improvements to better their own lives? Yep, these are the kinds you must absolutely say let them die, they're taking away from other people who really need the help and will put forth an effort to better themselves. What I see you doing right now in this so-called caregiving is actually enabling her when you could move on to someone else who really needs you because she doesn't or she would be making improvements to stay alive and healthy. Look back at everything and you'll see where I'm coming from.
Do what is best for you who is number 1. Don't feel obligated.
You have had your taste of hell. Now get her settled somewhere and take care of yourself and immediate family.
Placing her will not be easy--she will cry, blah, blah, blah. It will not be pretty--but it will be short-lived. Steel yourself, grin and bear it. It will be over in a few hours. Then--DO NOT VISIT FOR A MONTH. Give her a chance to get used to the place and for the place and doctors to get her on the right meds.
Sending you a big hug!
Make an appointment with a social worker from your county's senior division. Today. If mom is not already on Medicaid, the SW will get her application rolling. At the same time, he or she will help match mom with a facility that can address her constant (and escalating) needs.
Your mother is the type of parent who convinced her children from an early age that they only exist to be tied up in knots over her drama. You have every right and every reason to put a healthy distance between yourself and mom's toxicity. If you do that by placing mom in skilled care, you ARE taking care of her needs. Despite what the guilt machine in her mouth and the guilt machine in your mind are telling you. (That's all false guilt, BTW.)
You and your husband and son need to heal as individuals -- and as a family. This won't "just happen." This requires courage and action on your part. Again, you are not "putting mom out." You are matching her with the proper level of care.
It's time to reclaim tour home. And tend to your own needs....and hubby's and son's needs. It's OK to do this. It really is.
Good luck. Stay strong!!
Enough is enough.
Best of luck to you.
Best of luck to you.
She's an adult. Give her the ultimatum to either pack or you're leaving it on the curb on the first. As for her finances, I wouldn't even take care of that, let her make her own mistakes. But choosing to take care of anything for her, you're keeping yourself tied to a toxic person. Just let it go and let whatever happens happen. She already made your life and the lives of the rest of your family miserable, just wash your hands of her and let her be. I also was in a situation where I could never again be in the picture no fault of my own, it was their choice to push me away and keep me away. The more you stay in contact with the narcissist, the more they will abuse you until you cut them off.
Problem
* You will see that even taking care of money or something like that for the narcissist, the problems will continue.
Solution
What I would do is just change my number and don't give it to the narcissist. Only give it to people you trust, but if the narcissist somehow ends up with your number, change it again and keep changing it and find out who gave your number away but just don't give them your new number from now on. You're trying to stay out of reach of the narcissist, and the more distance between you and the narcissist, the better.
I don't know if you ever heard of a thing called the no contact order, but many people who have survived and escaped a narcissist knows about a no contact order. It doesn't matter what you do for her now, she's always going to complain, look what she did when you showed her the new place, she had complaints, right? She will also complain about you taking care of her finances and other stuff. That's why you really need to cut her off and drop whatever it is you're doing for her and just stop doing it because she still going to make your life miserable if you don't cut her completely off. Trust me on this, she will keep hounding you in one way or another until you give in and give her what she wants. This is why you really need to completely cut her off, you'll be sorry if you don't. I know, it's your choice and your life but I'm just warning you from experience because I've been there in someway or another, and I know what a narcissist is capable of and what they'll do if you're attached to them in any way whatsoever either directly or indirectly. Moving the narcissist away from you or even moving out is not going to be enough because they will always want something from their victims and the will always victimize you if you let them
It will be difficult, because your mother has been pulling your strings your whole life, but you need to place her somewhere she can be cared for without hurting anyone else. If it helps motivate you, think about how your mother's demands are causing you to not meet your son's needs.
The next time your mother has one of her 'spells', take her to the Emergency Room. While she's being evaluated, ask to talk to a social worker about placement.
Of course, if your mother has the financial resources, pick out an assisted living community TOMORROW and move her in. No arguments, no discussions.
As is typical for the children of narcissists, you are having trouble saying no. You're trying to please her even though you know she can't be pleased. That's a very unhealthy way to live.
I would have put mother in ALF last year, but was shot down by the other (MIA) sibs. They think everything is peachy.
You are worried that she may die if sent to a NH? She's going to die, anyway, not be crude about it, and do you WANT your son to watch that happen? Should your hubby be the primary caregiver as that happens?
What THEY want and what WE KNOW is possible for their care are often miles apart.
Moving your mom to a NH will be hard, but if you do not do it, the end may just be so absolutely horrible your family won't survive it. Sounds like your mom rules your house with an iron fist. How awful. My hubby would have left this situation years ago.
Good luck.