My wonderful Dad died two years ago and he warned me that I would have trouble with my Mom. She is now almost 94. My sister and I do not agree on anything. I am level headed and have been a teacher for 30 years. She has hopped from job to job and is unstable. She is also bipolar but will not face that. After my Dad passed I spent 6 weeks getting my mother set up in an Independent Living community with the "bribe" that we will keep her house and she can move back if it doesn't work out. I stayed with my mother in the facility for almost a month to make sure she was comfortable (I live a 3 hour plane ride away). My mom is extremely selfish and difficult, but somehow agreed to try it. My sister did not want her to go and she went to the facility and threatened them. (They had to call the police to have her removed). I had things packed up in the car and she kept taking them out. She even threw their wedding picture in the mud. The police were called again., she left for a while but came back. Two months later my mother told my sister to take her out of the facility. My sister gave up her apartment in another state and moved in with my mother. It has not worked from Day 1. She completely took over all the finances (there is A LOT of money involved). My mother has been declining. Under my sisters' tutelage, my mother has fallen several times and even broke her arm. Every other day my sister threatens to leave. She often leaves my mother home alone (and she only can use one arm now). Things have been on a downward spiral. I have tried to help, but it is just not possible. I told my sister to take a vacation and I will come and help. She gave me one day's notice and I came anyway. While I was there she said she is relinquishing her responsibilities. I started interviewing caregivers. My sister came back and sent them away. My mother is very picky about who she will allow to care for her - she has someone 5 days a week during the day whom she loves, but she needs more than that. Now, whenever I call my mother, my sister picks up the phone and hangs it up. She said that my phone calls are making my mother worse. On Friday she was so mad that my mother was talking to me that she left and did not come home that night. My mother was calling me and different neighbors were calling me saying they were worried but did not want to get involved. My sister wants me to have no inheritance. My father left me with power of attorney - my mother (who is scared of my sister) gave it to her instead. I am so sick and really can't help - they are both mentally ill - but there are two issues - #1 - I am riddled with guilt - #2 - I want my inheritance. Help! Thanks in advance.
Your one and ONLY concern should be for your mom, that she is receiving the proper care. Obviously there is a whole lot of dysfunction in your family, and your mom is now in harms way because of it. You may need to call APS, and report what is going on in moms house. And mom really needs to return to the Independent Living Community she was in before, so she can live out her days in peace, and HER money can be spent on HER care.
As to the guilt, I cannot imagine what felony you have committed to earn the word "guilt" and I think in most of our cases we can replace that word with "grief". Guilt kind of insinuates that there is a way to "fix this". And usually/often, there isn't. Grief recognizes that we may never be able to fix this, and may have to move on with a quality life. The problem that sometimes occurs with mental illness is that you work hard, come to some agreement, and then suddenly it all "blows up" again.
I think as far as the inheritance problem we have as little idea of how all that will go as you do. One can't force anyone to "leave anything" to him or her. An inheritance is something that doesn't "belong" to us, but that is "given" to us, if you see what I mean.
You might go to "Mediate.com" and look at the different .org organizations that attempt to help with family mediation, but from all you say I can't be hopeful that would help. Mental illness is a terrible wall to bump up against.
I wish you the very best. I can only say that, for myself, I would now attempt to save myself and my own family (if not of blood then of love) so I could live a quality life without constant trauma and drama. So sorry for all you are going through.
If your mom was competent, and APS isn't finding any neglect then I don't think there is much you can do.
Also I'm confused about "your inheritance" did your dad leave everything to your mom? Are you worried your sister will try to have your mom change her will and leave it all to sister? If your dad did leave you something your sister can't take that- which is why I'm guessing everything went to your mom.
I hope you can ultimately get POA for your mom and get her placed in a safe place.
And somehow get your mom to assisted living. If she doesn't want to go, set up a virtual tour where she can see places.
Wish you success
As for inheritance, that should be back burner. If your mother has dementia or any other medical needs that might require a NH, any funds still left now might get depleted, leaving nothing. Sale of the home might increase what there is, but that could also get depleted, depending on her needs.
If you are truly concerned about her care and needs, seeking legal advice should be step #1. If at any time her cognitive abilities were in question (preferably a doctor Dxed this), getting guardianship and conservatorship shouldn't be difficult. It won't be cheap and could take some time, but the sooner you start, the sooner you can help your mother. Sister could dispute in court, but she would have to hire her own attorney (if she has access to mom's account, she will likely try using that, but that could backfire, as she should NOT be using mom's assets for her own "benefit", even, and especially, if she is the current POA.
IF, on the other hand, if mom doesn't have dementia, there isn't a whole lot you can do. Even with dementia the courts try to maintain as much autonomy as possible for people. Without dementia, she has "free will" to do as she wishes.
2 years since Date of Death in the land of probate is not that much time. Some states require a cooling period of 6-8 mos before filing a valid will & opening probate can even happen. Others have it that just has to be open within 4 years of DOD and then can stay open basically till forever.
So what happened after dad died? Has probate opened & who is Executor? Has title to property gotten changed from His & Hers to just moms? Ditto for banking stuff. Or have these type of actions kinda moved by the wayside in the dramarama of dealing with mom & Sissy?
Or are there will & probate filing / distribution issues atop all this?