Need confirmation I am doing the right thing. Thoughts?

Why lie? If you have to sell it to pay for care I would say that. But what is the plan for when the money for that is gone? Or do you have to sell it for care? Does she need that car to get to doctor's appointments with other people driving her? Is there a way for someone else to hang on to the keys for her? But if there is a financial need, I would just say the car wasn't being used enough to justify the costs of insurance and maintenance. What's that old saying, there's rarely a need to lie when the truth, properly worded, can serve the same function? Then you don't have to worry about getting caught out or remembering to stick to a fictional story. If she has concerns about not having access to the car to get around, she deserves to be heard and know what the plan is for her to get transportation to medical appointment, grocery shopping, etc.

It sounds as if you are keeping her from feeling the pain of not being able to drive by blaming it on a freak accident. That works for me. My MIL has a car sitting in her garage that she hasn't driven for almost three years. Now it sits there (with the battery unhooked) and she sees it and is happy. She thinks she drove it in the last couple of weeks - right up until she realizes that my husband "broke it" because of her expired license. So it's whatever works. I think you're being kind. If she would be okay with not seeing a car there, then go for it.

Yes, you are doing the right thing. We do pussy-foot around our mothers, don't we. They have us well-trained!

My 92 year old mother thinks she can drive just fine. Never mind she has to sit on a pile of cushions just to see out the windshield, and can barely walk out to the car. "You don't forget how to drive," she says. No, mother, but you shouldn't be driving at all. My sister's car was hit and totaled a few months ago, and she has driven mom's car since that time. It was a blessing in disguise. My mother (with age-related mental decline, but no dementia as far as we know) has griped and b*****d about not having a car ever since. According to her, her life has stopped, she cannot do anything because she doesn't have a car, even though she had rarely driven in the last few years.

My other sister and I have told mom to just give her the car, but she resists. Our lawyer brother in law recently explained to her that if she were in an accident, there would be no discussion about who was at fault, or how it happened, but that the only thing anyone would focus on would be her age - that a 92 year old driver was involved. She pays a fortune for car insurance, plus yearly property taxes and registration, and we have tried to point out what a savings it would be to sign the car over to sister.

Giving up driving signifies a huge loss of independence, and I understand the reluctance to do so. But as we get older, we have to adapt to the situation we are in, and live the best life we can. I just wish my mother would heed that advice!

Yes , yes and yes you are doing the right thing! Overriding our
(aging) parents authority is really odd lol and a bit unusual but, all that your doing is out of love, care and concern and if the tables where turned I’m pretty sure it would be the same…. Well actually the tables were turned( roles and ages were a lil reversed though
( smiles) . Stay encouraged, it’s a tedious journey..
Wishing you all the best💕

bolliveb: Imho, you are doing the right thing. Your mother should never be the operator of a motor vehicle, of the course and the discourse about the car is not really a fib as it relates to the deer.

Hello,
I empathize with you I truly do. However, please do not lie to your Mother. You have her best interest at heart. I recommend to tell her the truth and that is the best decision to free up cash for her. I was in the same situation with my husband who is 75 years old with dementia. His car was just sitting in the garage everyday serving no purpose whatsoever. I took the car to CarMax which purchase the car from us for $35,600. It is apparent you love and respect your Mom lying to her is not cool. Lies always catches up with you. You are her POA for a reason. You know what is best for her she will thank you later. As POA for our love ones we have to make tough decisions for them. Tough Love.

My question is, what if you need the vehicle to transport her to doctor appointments? My mother cannot get in and out of my truck. She’s only comfortable riding in a car….

Good Afternoon,

We have the responsibility to keep our loved one's and others safe. Taking the keys is one of those things that is a must should you think safety is an issue.

There is an ID called a Real ID. I believe in time everyone in the U.S. will have to get one. Mother has one and in her mind she thinks she has a driver's license. She has not driven in quite some time as she is on blood thinner and when I first noticed which was then the beginning stages of Lewy Body Dementia her peripheral vision was the first thing to go. Basically, it's like wearing scuba diving glasses and you can't see on either side losing peripheral vision.

Bottom line--just get Mom a Real ID and take away ALL of the keys. It has to be done. They can get hurt or they can hurt someone else. They say in Florida this type of situation is notorious with the retired men who will not give up driving. Do you blame them, it is a loss of freedom but we have a responsibility that safety comes first.

You are doing what’s best and safest for your mom (and others). Just get the car sold and keep telling your mom your cousin still ends it. Only say this if SHE brings it up…you should not bring it up at all. If cousin is around, have cousin back you up (again, only if she brings it up - otherwise it’s mums the word). If she has dementia, eventually she will forget about the car, her license and driving,

It sounds mean, but it’s not. Sometimes with dementia, a little “fibbing” to keep safe AND keep the peace is what’s called for.

Such an easy problem. Imagine it was your wife’s car. My wife can not walk or stand on her own and imagines she will drive again. she is 79. It will never happen. The car is costing money to insure. I need to sell it. She has not had a valid driver license in 10 years.

You are doing the right thing. Your responsibility is to make sure that your mother is in a safe and decent place. Your mother is not thinking logically when she thinks she can drive again. For her, this is more like wishful thinking. Keeping the car and all of a car's expenses is not practical just for wishful thinking. You may find that you don't have to say anything about the car. If she doesn't see it, she may forget about it. How is she getting around? Do you need to make arrangements for her transportation, so that she can get around easily? With moderate dementia, does she have caregivers checking in on her? Some people do not realize that they have dementia (my mother was one). She always thought that she was OK, but maybe it was also wishful thinking on her part. It's hard to know what she really understood as she got less and less verbal. Make sure all of your mother's paperwork is in order while she can still sign legal papers. She needs to set up powers of attorney for medical and financial matters (which sounds like it is done), have a living will with her advance medical directives, a will. Everyone with assets should do this, not just your mother. Perhaps now is the time to have the discussion with her about what kind of care she'd like if she is not able to care for herself. Her basic options are in-home caregivers or living in an assisted living/memory care facility. If she is OK with AL, find one near where you live. Some facilities can also handle skilled nursing, if her physical and mental state decline. I had to do the initial legwork for my mother, finding a place(s) that I thought she'd like and taking her to see it. I also had to help her downsize and move, then set her up in the new apartment. If your mother is not ready to think about this, then you need a plan for a time when she may need more care. All the best to you both.

I am 58, and I am my 82-year-old mother's power of attorney. The neurologist had the DMV revoke my mom's license.
I initially was going to sell the car to Carvana or KBB easily (Honda CRV, like 2014ish, low-mileage, 4 accidents). But then I listed it on Craigslist. I got a barrage of phone calls/texts from used car dealers who were willing to pay cash and $5,000 more than the Carvana offer.... a total of $17,500! And I sold it in one day with total transparency about the accidents! Deposited the cash into my mom's savings for future care.

You are doing the right thing. She would be a danger to herself or others. Stop feeling guilty. You wouldnt let a child play with something dangerous. Same with your mom. It is unsafe.

Do not take car to the dealer!!!! NOOO!!! They will see the car has low milage/sat and come up with all sorts of things to fix. If you are a woman, your a sitting duck for them to screw you over. Will charge you an arm and a leg. Dont take it to dealer, unless there are recalls. If there are, only take it to get those fixed. Nothing else. Take it to a reputable local car shop for any fixes.
You can ask on next door app and local people will tell you where they go to get cars fixed, and who they trust won't rip them off. We have 2 really good shops to go that way.
I took my mom's car that was sitting to a dealership just for a recall replacement. Mechanic wanted to charge me $3ooo for all sorts of things!!!! I can take it to a local shop for half that, probably less.
Mechanic from dealership called me and told me he is so nice, he'll give me a big discount and only charge 3k to replace things on car. After I said no, I couldn't get anyone to call me back from the dealership. They were done with me. I tried several times. I had a question. I just went back and got it. Their niceness was over. I didn't fall for it. You only take a car to dealerships for recalls, under warranty, or a problem with a new car.
I took my dad's car to a diff dealership for several recalls. Car had been sitting. They replaced the recalls for free, and when I went to pick up vehicle, told me car was worthless, and ready for the crusher. Showed me pics of half a dinner plate size holes all over frame. I was in shock. Why did they fix the recalls, if vehicle was trashed???? Very odd. Kept pushing me hard to buy new vehicle, and they would gladly take vehicle as trade in of my hands as a favor. Wasn't I lucky they were that generous?! I should thank my lucky stars they were so nice. BIG RED FLAG.
We took vehicle home. We crawled under it, everywhere. I got under the car. Those pics weren't of my vehicle. There were No holes! They lied!!! I took it to local shop. They looked it over really well. Said it was fine. They had seen a lot worse, on the road inspected. Got vehicle inspected. Cost 60 dollars!! Sold for 14k. I reported company to BBB. They did nothing. Do not trust dealerships.
Im taking my mom's car to a local shop to get it fixed.

Also get a car fax when you go to sell it. People will want to see that. It shows how many owners, recalls/fixes, maint. Good to have. I think it's 30 bucks or so. They want to see that online along with vin number. Just hide yor address. I sold it thru Facebook market. I got 2 dud buyers who complained the paint was dull due to sitting, and it had some dings on it. Easily fixed with a paint pen. One wanted to give me pennies for it, and told me I should be greatful. Paint can be fixed with buffing and a special paint reviver. They think you won't research these things.
Thank goodness I didn't listen to them. The next buyer was a dream. Don't believe them when they try to tell you vehicle is a mess. They want to drive price down. I did budge a little but it was in line for blue book value and what they were going for.

Keep the car running and put some peppermint on cotton balls in the engine area to keep mice away. The worse thing to do is park a vehicle and let it sit. Mice will take over. Or put a hi pitched noise deterrent in it.
I would sell it while it's still running and inspected. That wat you have that $$ for mom's care. Good luck.

Do not take it to the dealer!!!! NOOO!!! They will see the car has low milage/sat and come up with all sorts of things to fix. If you are a woman, your a sitting duck for them. Will charge you an arm and a leg. Dont take it to dealer, unless there are recalls. Take it to a reputable local car shop. You can ask on next door app and local people will tell you where they go and who they trust won't rip them off. We got 2 really good shops to go that way.
I took my mom's car that was sitting to a dealership just for a recall replacement. Mechanic wanted to charge me $3ooo for all sorts of things!!!! I can take it to a local shop for half that, probably less.
Mechanic from dealership called me and told me he is so nice, he'll give me a discount and only charge 3k to replace things on car. After I said no, I couldn't get anyone to call me back from the dealership. They were done with me. I tried several times. I had a question. I just went back and got it. Their niceness was over. I didn't fall for it. You only take a car to dealerships for recalls, under warranty, or a problem with a new car.
I took my dad's car to a diff dealership for several recalls. Car had been sitting. They replaced the recalls for free, and when I went to pick up vehicle, told me car was worthless, and ready for the crusher. Showed me pics of half a dinner plate size holes all over frame. I was in shock. Why did they fix the recalls, if vehicle was trashed? Very odd. Kept pushing me hard to buy new vehicle, and they would gladly take vehicle as trade in. Wasn't I lucky they were that generous?! I should thank my lucky stars they were so nice. BIG RED FLAG.
We took vehicle home. We crawled under it, everywhere. Those pics weren't of my vehicle. There were No holes! They lied!!! I took it to local shop. They looked it over really well. Said it was fine. They had seen a lot worse, on the road inspected. Got vehicle inspected. Cost 60 dollars!! Sold for 14k. I reported company to BBB. They did nothing. Do not trust dealerships.
Im taking my mom's car to a local shop to get it fixed.

Also get a car fax when you go to sell it. People will want to see that. It shows how many owners, recalls/fixes, maint. Good to have. I think it's 30 bucks or so. They want to see that online. Just hide address. I sold it thru Facebook market. I got 2 dud buyers who complained the paint was dull due to sitting, and one wanted to give me pennies for it, and told me I should feel greatful for that. Paint can be fixed with buffing and a special paint reviver. They think you won't research these things.
Thank goodness I didn't listen to them. The next buyer was a dream. Don't believe them when they try to tell you vehicle is a mess. They want to drive price down. I did budge a little but it was in line for blue book value and what they were going for.

Keep the car running and put some peppermint on cotton balls in the engine area to keep mice away. The worse thing to do is park a vehicle and let it sit. Mice will take over. Or put a hi pitched noise deterrent in it.
I would sell it while it's still running and inspected. That wat you have that $$ for mom's care. Good luck.

Your moms safety is the issue! How you get there be it lies, which do not hurt her. She needs to be safe and if a lie works... do it! I lied to my Daddy several times but he was safe and he lived five years without driving. Just tell her what she needs to hear, be it a deer hit the car or the tires are not good. Also, you can change the subject.

You are doing the right thing. Her safety and the safety of others is at risk if you give in to her wishes to drive again. I did the same thing and reported my mom to the BMV and then sold her car.

It has to be done....

Hi yes you are. Almost the same thing happened to me. It’s called a therapeutic lie and benefits all including the innocent others on the road.

My therapeutic lie continues. Now I can’t get her to have her cataract surgery so I said if you get your surgery you can go get your license back. It’s all for the good of trying to help parents with dementia do the right things. Best to you.

Since she is not likely to get her license back anyway, can't you day your cousin is using the car until your mother needs it back? If your mother ever really did "need it back," you could help her buy a " safer" car to use going forward. Maybe something like that could help you deal with removing the car without having to lie about it.

You are doing the right thing! Your are protecting your Mom's life and the lives of others by keeping her out of that car. And the cherry on the cake is that you will get top dollar for it now that the supply is so low. You can use that money towards your Mom's care and some other things to keep her safe and happy.

I sold my husband’s truck months ago. He has made my life a living h*ll since then over it. Would I do it again? Yes. I’ve told him various reasons why the truck was gone. Each one sets him off, so I’ve just settled on telling him the truth. He hasn’t driven in almost a year & I rode with him then. It was quite alarming. I did the right thing & can sleep at night…when he lets me. Oddly enough, he expects me to chauffeur him everywhere & never mentions driving even though we still have a car.

You are lucky that she seems to be willing to stop driving “until she gets her license back”. No such luck with my father and we can’t keep him out of his car. I’m 3000 miles away and there isn’t much I can do. We hid the keys and he just went out and bought a new car. Nightmare.

Absolutely. Those da*n 🦌.
(I too had one run into me and go up over the windshield. Brand new car. I got out to drag its lifeless body off the road--except it was bounding away with its friends. Only very minor damage. Some day you win. )

I feel the truth is always best, even if you have to stretch. Before you “lie”, consider how many people will be aware of the truth but not be aware of the “lie” because there may be worse consequences if the truth gets back to her.

Here is a good example… we bought our home after the former owners moved to AL/NH due to the wife’s dementia. Their daughter handled everything without any intentions of letting them know she was selling it to help with their expenses. Without knowing the details, a well meaning neighbor visited them and shared that a very nice couple had moved into their old house. The husband became very upset because his daughter had let strangers move into their home because he was not even aware it had been on the market for over a year.

When everyone decided my father no longer should drive, we bought the car from him and made payments into his bank account that he (and everyone else) could see each month. It pleased him to see his car being put to good use. Maybe a relative or a friend would be interested, remind her the car is deteriorating just sitting in the garage. Emphasize the financial benefit to keep her at home.

So, just be careful the “lie” does not have similar consequences.

We did something similar with my grandfather. We told him that we loaned it to his daughter in law. After 2 weeks he forgot he had a vehicle. Your mom may not be at that point though. I am sorry if this offends but everyone "deserves" the truth, however the reality is for your sanity lying becomes your friend unless you want all out hell to break loose. Do what you feel is best for your mom and don't think another thing about it. Now that my mom has Alzheimers I have learned to be whatever my mom needs in the moment. That is what is best for her.

My input is to do what you need to do but tell your mother the truth. I think that she deserves that much.

And let her get mad - you can't be responsible for someone else's feelings. You're doing the right thing. Just don't lie to her.

You are doing the right thing. Hope you have a POA that gives you full rights to sell her property and to handle on your own the conveyance of the title to another. Ditto for cancelling the auto insurance and returning of the tags to your State DMV.

Had a similar situation with my mom, 84 at the time, with dementia and basically not able to walk (much less have strength and coordination to hit the right pedal -- brake -- when needed). The car sat in the garage, battery died from no driving.

When the auto insurance bill arrived, I used that as a "why pay this huge bill" for auto insurance when the car won't start? And the care likely needs lots of work, more money down the drain mom. And I drive you to all your doc appointments and your brother takes you out to shop or to lunch/dinner. Why waste all this money on a car stuck in the garage. PS the car was 15 years old, w/over 100K miles -- in relatively good shape except for the dead battery and all the "fender bender" dents (she could not see well).....

I suggested we "gift" the car to a cousin is an auto mechanic. Said he can likely fix it on the cheap and he needs a car but everything is so expensive now. So if he can just buy the parts (he is a mechanic), he can fix it and have a car without having to take out a huge car loan. He'll save money and you'll save money by not having to pay that insurance bill again.....

She agreed. YES a bit of "white lies" but I would have felt much, much more guilt if she got behind the wheel (assuming I helped her get a new battery) and then she killed someone on the road!

Safety First!

Doing the same thing for my BIL who has dementia and was told he can't drive anymore. So I had him sign the title but didn't date it so I could sell it to his niece. The excuse we are using is since you can't drive right now we need to transfer it to her so that we can get insurance on it and have it registered. We also told him once he gets his license back we will transfer it back to you. Another excuse is once you get your license back we can get you another vehicle you have the money to get it, yours right now is rusting out(which his is). I have to keep a record because he is on medicaid and the clause in it says did you sell anything in the last 5 yrs. But as long as you use it for their care you are fine.

Prayers.

Disable the car so your mother cannot use it, so she cannot place herself and others on the road at risk while looking into help to sell the vehicle.

In my mother's case at age 93, we were lucky that she finally decided to sell her car after 5 years of family concerns about operating her car safely. As said in previous posts, her car required safety repairs she would no pay for. She had been without a valid license for over four years because one Kaiser doctor reported her heart condition to the DMV. She failed to pass her DMV driving test, got very angry and blamed Kaiser and everyone who told her she had to stop driving after 60 years! She even talked to me about getting herself another car with her suspended license! I told her to get a professional driving permit evaluation that she never did because she no longer had the strength to even walk with her walker to a car without my assistance, so there was nothing I could say. It was her bipolar mental illness, not our family's or my fault.

Sounds like a good plan to me. Don't feel guilty.

You're doing the right thing. My mother gave her almost new car away to a neighbor before I could step in and have her declared incompetent. That said, her doing that was evidence that she was no longer capable of managing her own affairs.