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Not only are you doing the right thing for your mother you are saving the lives of other drivers who may be on the road if your mother decided to drive the car. As for selling the car I think your story sounds perfect and quite frankly by the time you sell it and she sees you again she’ll probably forget all about it. Out of sight out of mind especially if she has dementia unfortunately I had to do the same with my husband’s truck he was upset at first that he couldn’t drive but eventually he forgot all about it the only problem was I had to keep hiding my purse so that he could not get a hold of my keys. Good luck
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The alternative is worse. The deer is conveniently dead. The story is a good one. And next week or month or year you’ll have to make up another story about something else and she will have forgotten about the car. Deer me!
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Katefalc Oct 2022
You just keep reminding her … “oh my, you may not remember but the day the car was hit by the deer it was totaled. Remember we talked about that”
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Yes, you're doing the right thing b/c you're selling a useless car that mom can no longer drive & applying that money towards her in-home care. Applying rules of normalcy & moral behaviors to dementia makes NO sense at all, and those who do such things cause me to shake my head in confusion. Dementia forces us to make decisions on behalf of our loved ones that cause US grief b/c we insist on 'not lying' to them which causes even MORE grief for all involved. For instance, my mother was continuously asking where her dead relatives were? Should I have told her repeatedly, 100x a day that they were all dead & buried, causing her even MORE grief and upset? No, of course not. So I'd tell her they were busy or at the store or otherwise occupied. Yet there are people here who say that 'lying is wrong' and we should always be 100% 'honest' with demented elders! Which is pure nonsense. We do what we have to do to keep them CALM and safe, that's what we do.

So sell mom's car and tell her whatever story you need to tell her to keep her calm in the moment. If she has a fit, so be it. Tell her you'll buy her another car if and when the doctor says she has a clean bill of health and when the DMV gives her her license back. Repeat as necessary. You're not a bad little girl lying to your mommy. Mom is a sick old woman with a disease that's lying to HER, telling her she's fine and perfectly capable of driving a motor vehicle, and that's the lie!

Good luck!
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Yes, you're absolutely doing the right thing, and honestly, with the car out of sight it way well just disappear from her mind, too. Don't bring it up unless she does, and the white lie may not even be necessary.
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You are doing the right thing.

You are doing the moral thing.

You are doing the adult thing.

You are doing the humane and compassionate thing.

You are not “lying”. You are entering your mother’s damaged sense of “truth”.

She may have the anticipated fit or may not. Her “fit” is not germane to your decision.

Take care of yourself, too.
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Sometimes, a white lie is needed to care properly for our loved ones.

The lie is a bit elaborate imo. Instead of a simple, can cousin keep the car at her house to use, as her's is no longer working well? Now that you have conspired the lie with cousin.

My family was super dysfunctional, so if I ever were to do a white lie, I would not include anyone else in the lie. All too often, they will throw you under the bus to side with Mom.

When it comes up, tell Mom that you sold her car because: TRUTH:
"She failed the DMV test and no longer has a license."

In any case, keeping her from driving is doing the right thing, anyway you can get it done.

You can soften the change in status by offering to drive her on a regular schedule. It is a difficult time for the elderly, these changes.
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Sendhelp Oct 2022
You are doing the right thing, because you carefully have considered Mom's feelings while still doing the right thing.
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Yes, my POA gave me the permission to sell and that was an immediate POA.

I think what your doing is fine. We need to tell little fibs when dealing with someone with a Dementia. The car needs to be out of sight. Out of sight, out of mind. Mom will eventually forget she had a car.
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Actually, you can sell the car if you're not on the title if you have POA and the parent is deemed incompetent, which it sounds like the OP's mom is. I recently sold my father's car after he had to go into SNF due to progressed Parkinson's with dementia. I am POA and did it all legally, according to my attorney. I just had to get the title notarized, and I sold the also very low-mileage car to my cousin, and right on time to use the funds to pay for my dad's SNF care.
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You cannot sell a car if you are not on the title; you say that you ARE on the title, so perhaps you can. I would check all your facts with the DMV and if they OK this as a legal transaction I think it is the right move. It is best you remove this car however that is done, so your mom cannot use it.
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bolliveb Oct 2022
I can sell the car even though I am not on the title. That is what POA is for. I checked with the elder care attorney. He said I am doing everything legally.

How would anyone sell a car for a person who is incapacitated or incompetent if a POA isn't good enough?
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