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I have read numerous posts and they are very helpful but mine is a little different but same. My husband 81 had electro convulsive therapy that his psychiatrist thought would help his stubborn depression. It only made it worse. He's now no longer the man I married who is a retired dentist. He behaves like a child now. I do everything for him. He has long term memory loss and can't remember recent events. If I raise my voice at him for something I feel he is capable of doing himself he starts crying. He has painful IBS that doctors can't control that sent him to the ER numerous times. The hospital psychiatrist said he has dementia. I've canceled numerous doctors appointments for us both because of his problems. This has been going on for 2 years now. I contacted someone to discuss getting him veterans benefits but I need to find time for that. And I don't know what to do to find someone to come to the house or some place to put him temporarily without upsetting him. I told him I wanted to visit my kids, he has none, and he starts crying and doesn't want me to leave him. Does anyone have any suggestions or do they have a similar situation? I've also been told I should start looking for a facility for him in the near future but what kind? I'm exhausted and depressed. It's just getting too much to handle.

The Social Work office in your nearest VA medical center can address many of your questions. They can help with respite care immediately and placement assistance long term. You need support, you've both earned it; VA needs to be utilized. You may also want to ask about a geriatric care manager but getting a social worker to get things going is a practical first step.

There's no need to continue trying to carry the burden alone. I was just looking at the Disabled American Veterans website, a phone call there might get you further. It says:
"Disabling injuries don’t always show up right after service —they can affect veterans at any stage of life. So when it comes to applying for and receiving benefits, it’s good to know that DAV’s support isn’t limited by when or where you served, or by the type of injury you suffered.
Our Benefits Advocates Are Ready to Help.
Free, professional assistance from our benefits advocates can help veterans and their families receive the benefits they’ve earned —health care, disability, employment, education, financial benefits and more.
Our benefits advocates are veterans, too, so they understand military service and the benefits process. "

Make the call, get someone to shoulder your load with you.

Best wishes for the care and support you both deserve.
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Reply to ravensdottir
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gtmarks Sep 3, 2024
Thank you for your input.
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Please accept your husband’s lack of understanding and abilities. He cannot be expected to make reasonable decisions with a dementia diagnosis. He would likely be eligible to live onsite at a VA nursing home, there are two in my area and both are highly rated. Call the VA again and speak with a social worker. Do not discuss this with your husband, he cannot process it. You may also call local assisted living or memory care centers and ask if they provide respite care, that would be a way of getting a week or so off to help you rest and plan. Again, no talking to husband about this. When the time comes, pack his bag without him seeing and put it in the car. Tell him you’re going to lunch or whatever you need to say and take him for care. I’m sorry you’re both going through this
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gtmarks Sep 3, 2024
I like the idea of respite care and will look into it. Thanks.
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If you have the financial means, this is the time to hire in-home caregivers from a reputable agency to take some of the burden you're carrying off your shoulders. You need a breather, some extended time to rest. When you're a bit more rested and less stressed, it will be easier to think clearly and make decisions.

Another option to consider: the next time you take him to the ER, talk with a social worker at the hospital (while he's still in the ER) and tell the social worker that he's an unsafe discharge because at this point you simply cannot take care of him. And you wouldn't be lying. The social worker should be able to arrange short term facility/hospital care for your husband paid by Medicare without him being discharged to go home with you. Do not agree to take him home in this situation. Hopefully another poster on this forum can provide more info about how exactly to do this.

Do you have your husband's military discharge papers or know his service number? Has he been getting his medical care through the VA? If the answer is yes to any of the above make contacting your local VA a top priority.

My heart breaks for you. Try to stay strong and get through this painful phase of things. Obviously you love your husband very much and want the best for him, but please don't sacrifice yourself in this process.

Also consider going to your primary care physician and requesting anti-depression and/or anxiety medication to help lighten your intense suffering.

Wishing you well.
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Reply to LostinPlace
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gtmarks Sep 3, 2024
Thanks. I have read some of the posts here where stating if he's an unsafe discharge he will be moved to a temporary facility. That is something I have been mulling over.
Yes I have his discharge paperwork. Someone I contacted months ago went over how to get VA monthly help cover costs of a facility for him. It's complicated because I have to reduce our assets quite a bit and I can't live on my social security alone since the VA keeps his. So will get started on that. Thanks.
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I would place him with Medicaid paying. You can have your assets split, his split paying for his care and then Medicaid paying when the money runs out. Once he is on Medicaid, you remain in the home, have a car and enough of the monthly income to live on. You will need to see an elder lawyer to split assets.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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My county has a veterans service office located in the county office building. Their employees do not work for the Veterans Administration. They are an interface to help veterans apply for benefits. Their help is free. See if your county has such an office. Call them. When I called, they promptly sent an employee (who is a retired veteran) to our home to assess my husband’s condition and submit paperwork to the VA. They continue to monitor the process for us.

I hope you get this sort of help, which has been invaluable to us.
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Reply to Fawnby
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Yes there is one in my county. It would be really nice if they came out to our house. It's hard to get him to leave the house. Thanks for the info.
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