Dad is in convalescent home recovering from getting pacemaker and sister and I are unable to provide care at this level. We have no idea how to find him a permanent home. He has good insurance, or so we keep being told, but no one will provide any information on getting help!
He's only 74 but much older health-wise. He's also a big guy - 6'4" (or used to be) and probably about 350lbs. So my sister and I are just not able to bring him home if he can't care for himself. He owns his home and has some savings and insurance so it makes no sense that none of the professionals can offer us any advice on what happens after he is discharged within the next month or so.
We're at a loss... Any information is appreciated!!
?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Er, they can't.
You just say no.
Have you and your sister made it crystal, unmistakable, unequivocal, that you will not do this?
Does he need live-in care, actually? Or does he prefer to be waited on? It's not quite the same thing.
Next discussion that comes up: the aim of rehab has changed. Your father cannot be discharged home until he is able to function either alone, or with an agreed package of care. There is NO ONE else living in his home, they must amend whatever records they have that state otherwise. It would be an "unsafe" discharge (use that word). Make sure everyone has that written down.
I must sound very unsympathetic to your father, but I don't mean to be. I'm guessing that he was helpless when he lost your mother, that he's done nothing to address his bereavement, that he is not the best or most compliant cardiology patient ever?
The man needs and deserves a wide range of support; but that does not make you responsible for doing it. He's got good insurance - about time he started using it, eh.
I'm just curious - who *are* these health professionals who keep browbeating your sister and you about your duties?!
Our father really is in bad shape, mostly due to his weight I believe. Plus he's always been a big baby. And it's literally been everyone who is telling us it's our duty to provide all his care! From his MD to cardiologist... as well as every member of the staff at this home! He was actually in here before and they forced us to take him home and he's been so bad he's been unable to go to any appointments and is only out of the house because he was having trouble breathing and my sister called an ambulance.
Inserting a pacemaker is normally a straightforward minor procedure, and doesn't take much in the way of convalescence beyond a few simple precautions until it's firmly embedded - e.g. no contact sport! Are you sure this is all they were doing?
What he can't decide is that you and your sister must be his primary caregivers, or, indeed, that you are involved in his care at all. That choice is entirely yours.
His healthcare team need to be made aware that you and your sister are not able to provide hands-on support. Ideally, one or both of you should be included in discussions of his discharge plan. Will your father agree to that?
The only immediate problem I can spot is that your father may airily tell the discharge planners that his daughters will be helping him, so no worries about his returning home. Now the NH *ought* to verify that statement! - but I wouldn't chance it.
Who keeps telling you that your father has good insurance? Your father or somebody else?
Your father won't hear of any plan except his going home.
You and your sister are focused entirely on placing him in a permanent home.
This means that your views are diametrically opposed, and conflict is inevitable, and constructive discussion becomes next to impossible.
It will reduce your stress dramatically if you and your sister *start* *out* from your father's point of view and work on possible ways for him to live at home. It may not be possible, and then he'll have to think again, but the decision is his to make.
Is your sister completely in agreement with you, or are you anxious that she might give way and become a caregiver and drag you into it with her?
Also, we can't even get information on finding him live-in care in his own home. Again, when my sister would take him to his appointments, she was told repeatedly that it's her job to do this! She just can't take it anymore and is leaving. So I'm trying to find a solution for all of our sakes.
As you say, the guy is only 74. He's young enough for his life to be turn-aroundable.
Have you considered finding a different kind of rehab for him? Supposing he lost a hundred pounds, had his knee(s) sorted out, and underwent therapy - just say.
Pin down those health insurance details and find out what's possible.
He's not a veteran by any chance, is he?