My mom is pretty mentally ill and has been as long as I can remember. I am not 100% sure what her diagnosis is, but she has major depression and panic disorder. I feel like she could possibly be bipolar, but that has not been diagnosed. Her mother was bipolar. She is 73 years old and my dad cannot take care of her anymore. She has severe COPD and can’t breathe is on oxygen and also congestive heart failure. We decided to place her in a nursing home. She was fine with this decision at first, but now she is calling us constantly telling us she wants to come home and we can’t keep her there. My dad cannot take care of her anymore between her mental illness, ordering him around, demanding him to do everything for her and not really being able to get around anymore, it really is the best place for her. I am not very impressed with the nursing home. She is in right now. We have applied for Medicaid and once that is approved we are going to try to get her into a better nursing home.
She has been on Xanax for years and they cold turkey took her off of it and put her on something else. The stuff they put her on with the help of a psychiatrist is not helping her panic disorder. She is a terrible person to care for she stubborn she was warned about eight years ago that if she didn’t start leaving her house and walking around and trying to do minor exercises and do things for herself that this is exactly what would end up happening.
Anyways, I am very, very worried about my father as he is 77 years old and she is stressing him out to the point where I believe he’s going to have a heart attack if she doesn’t stop calling him incessantly. Threatening him and guilt tripping him for putting here there. She does not call me incessantly because she knows better. I have pretty firm boundaries with her as far as stuff like that goes. Due to her being very abusive and nasty in the past. I love her. I don’t like her. She is very smart and very manipulative.
I am just curious as to what advice people anyone can give me as far as what in the heck we are supposed to do with the constant phone calls and drama. She has her mind even though it is sick. That’s what is so sad a frustrating.
I guess maybe I am just looking for some support and advice as how to handle this new situation we are in.
I am so sorry your parents have reached this stage in their lives.
Does dad live with you? On his own?
What legal authority do you have to make decisions for your parents? Do you have a POA for either of them? Do you know if the POAs are active now?
Do you have a certified elder attorney to help you with the Medicaid application?
I ask this especially as your dad is living at home and as the community spouse he needs financial protection.
How long has mom been in the NH?
Will your father cooperate with you to help mom adjust ? His taking her frequent calls doesn’t help her or him.
Ask the DON if she is settling in. Often new patients are worse with family than with the staff. Also know it is a bit of culture shock when a family member has to go into facility care. It takes a while for you to adjust, just like it takes a while for mom to.
Legally, your mom is probably competent and has the right to make her own decisions. Practically, unless someone like you or dad or another friend or relative help her leave, she is not likely to be able to leave. If you think she has the snap to call an Uber and come home then that’s another issue.
If you can get dad to stop taking her calls then she will of necessity deal more with her new caregivers. Many bipolar, mentally ill, are extremely focused on what they want and will not give up easily. I’m sure you already know that. Especially if she is now manic. She may not be able to calm herself on her own.
I would ask dad to stop taking her calls. He can tell her that he will speak to her once a day. That she is under doctor’s care. That he is unable to bring her home.
Write it out for him. Some short statements for when she asks those questions might help him not get into making promises or trying to explain why she can’t come home. It can be emotionally exhausting. Perhaps sit with him when he calls her to coach him a bit.
If you see it is too stressful for him, then reduce the call frequency. Some people take the phone away.
Also be sure to take dad to see his primary. It is good that you are concerned about dad as a large percentage of caregivers pass before the one they are caring for.
Ask him to take a walk, to listen to music or other calming activity, to watch his diet. Make sure he is taking his meds. Check his pill planner or med bottles. He may think he is but actually not.
I would take his BP everyday just to make sure it’s under control.
He misses her I’m sure and will have to find a new normal to fill his days. Does he drive? Remember that mom has a staff looking out for her. It’s good you are now focused on dad.
Somewhere in your busy day make sure you are taking care of yourself. Great on getting mom and dad help. Hopefully, things will settle down a bit as everyone gets adjusted to the new regime.
Welcome to the forum and feel free to ask questions or just to vent. There are others who are in your same situation. We do try to be supportive. If you fill out your bio it is helpful to posters to understand your situation. The more info/feedback you give, the more tailored the answers.
Wishing you luck on getting moms meds adjusted.
I think Dad may need *permission* that is OK to have just one telephone call a day.
IT IS OK.
Answering multiple calls doesn’t fix her panic. It's a habbit.
If it DID help Mom, then maybe 2 calls a day may be an ok compromise. But multi calls stress Dad out. A huge negative with zero posotive.
Make the 1 call the new habbit.
A regular time that works for both the NH routine & Dad eg 10am, 7pm or whatever suits.
The NH staff will need to be informed. At first, Mom will be distressed & keep calling. Therpeaudic fibs may even need to be used.. where staff have to say things like "Your Husband must be out shopping right now, or taking a nap. Nevermind, we'll call him later". Then redirect redirect redirect.
I had to answer only 1 msg a day at one stage when an obsession started about what I was eating for every meal. Soothing her anxiety had to be balanced with causing mine!
(((Hugs)))
And to reiterate you are doing awesome, with all you have been though, you can still form a complete sentence. That right there is a plus.
This is the hardest thing you will ever do, and you still have a ways to go. Your not alone, we are always here, to listen and give you the best advice we can. Your doing great!
And if and when she starts acting up when he goes to visit, tell him to just leave and let her know that he will come back when she can be more pleasant.
Your dad doesn't have to continue to take your moms crap just because he's chosen to all these years.
Time for your dad to grow some balls.
As for the nursing home, ask for a meeting to address your concerns. Point out good as well as negative experiences. Mention staff you’ve found helpful. Ask for the medication that years of experience have shown is helpful. If your concerns go ignored, you always have the option of moving mom. Keep in mind, she’s not an easy resident and further places may be a tough find. I wish you all peace in a tough place
For the constant calls, dad could block them and only allow incoming calls when he wants them.
He never goes to the doctor or takes care of himself so we also need to get him some more care. He’s very stubborn and old school and always has been like that. So that will take some coaxing from me.
It’s hard and I feel guilty and sad a lot because of this situation but I will not let her destroy me or my family. I am in therapy, quit drinking years ago and medicated so I feel pretty strong. 💪
Thanks to everyone for your words and sorry if I didn’t get everyone answered. I am a bit overwhelmed and was out of town all weekend with my family so just sitting down to read everything. 💗