Negativity and its antidote?
I am wondering what to do about my mother's lifelong negativity now that she lives with us.
I realize that some of it is coming from me -- I am locked in a negative relationship cycle with her, and I am glad for that, because acknowledging it is the first step in changing it.
However, the origin of the negativity is clearly her. She has always been quite negative -- much more ready to complain and criticize than to say anything positive. She very rarely compliments or makes a happy observation; when she does say 'thank you' or 'that was nice,' I sense that she had to remind herself to do it and it is ever-so-slightly grudging. I feel like she is never satisfied. She always wants more, better, etc. and suffers silently under the condition of living with us. (We moved her here after she lived alone for many years in very unsafe conditions; she was eager to join us.)
I realize that her loss of independence is hard -- she cannot drive or even leave the house without assistance. I can see that even moving around the house is difficult for her. She grunts and puffs and shuffles. She complains pointedly at my adult son when he leaves a dish unwashed or makes a noise above her bedroom. Her only source of pleasure seems to be catching up on the daily news and then telling us what has happened - gleefully reporting on the worst of it.
I guess I just had hoped that she would grow in wisdom, in that kind of cheerfulness that can come in old age when you realize that the world doesn't revolve around you, but you still have something to contribute, if only in the form of hopefulness, peacefulness, and well-chosen words.
I am disappointed in the woman my mother has become, in what she has never grown out of.
Am I the one who can never be satisfied?
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Expect nothing from her and you will never be disappointed.
I will say that since my mother is in AL, she is much, much happier as she is with people her own age, she can relate to them, they all complain so they have that in common. She also likes having activities and that she can hop on the shuttle to shop and go to restaurants.
You cannot ask of her something that she is incapable of giving. She will continue to get worse, not my rules, just how it works.
Best of luck to you!
Recently she made a somewhat-veiled suicide threat. That woke me up. She is not OK. And her not being OK makes me not OK because (A) I am her only living child, so I have to take care of her, and (B) She lives in my house.
I'm now in contact with one of her sisters, which has been helpful for perspective. I'm reading a couple of helpful books -- one on forgiveness and one on childhood trauma. And I'm setting up appointments with a counselor.
It's time for me to figure out how to gain distance from her. This won't be easy. I have a feeling I am going to find some memories I've buried. I'm going to have to learn to forgive myself for things, and then to forgive her for some things (even though nothing in our shared past suggests that she will admit to them or change her patterns).
Thank you for your wise words. They are helping me on this journey.
Over that early period of time my husband and I were looking for a new place to live, and we’d always look a house with a nice first floor room with a full bath.
Ultimately, after she’d had a very severe stroke, we found the perfect house, and told her it had its own suite, designed just for her.
And then, she and I broke into raucous laughter together.
We both KNEW ABSOLUTELY that we’d never, NEVER EVER be able to live under the same roof, and acknowledged the fact THEN AND THERE!
Time went by, and when she ultimately broke her hip and her dementia was revealed, I wanted to bring her into my home, and my wonderful husband consented and did his part.
It was the WORST decision I ever made on her behalf. I spent months sleeping on the floor by her bed, because I couldn’t trust her for one minute. I gave up a job, spent every second 24 hours a day with her, and gained 60 pounds.
Neither of our lives improved until she entered a very good residential care center 5 minutes away from me.
THEN- she became part of a group of people who loved her dearly, received wonderful care, and grew healthier than she’d been in years.
Might it have been someone’s mistake, either yours or hers, to assume it was a good idea to think you’d both be happy living together?
She is not sociable. She likes to be alone and to choose when/if she interacts with others. She likes listening in on conversations; my husband and I have to be careful about what we say in many parts of the house.
Her mother lived with her youngest daughter for about 30 years, and my mom was clear that she expected/wanted to age with me. When job loss forced my family to return from living overseas, it was a foregone conclusion that we would re-establish ourselves here as quickly as possible and buy a house where she could live with us. We have done that (and continue to shelter our adult son who has some developmental delays and is slow to launch).
I believe in the value and necessity of multi-generational living.
I just wish I liked my mother more. I wish she was a happier, kinder, more wise and gentle person. I wish I didn't always feel listened for, watched, tracked in my own home. I wish she wouldn't view my son with such baleful dislike. I wish I didn't feel guilty for not bringing her treats frequently. I wish I didn't resent the chunks she takes out of my pleasure in life.
I wish I could be happy that she lives here. But I'm not.
My mother is the same as yours, but fortunately, doesn't live with me. I've always been disappointed with who my mother is, was, and has grown into as an old woman of 93.
There really ARE nice 'little old ladies' in the world, I've seen them, and know a couple of them myself. Not all old ladies are full of misery and doom, feeling sorry for themselves over the fact they're old and not as mobile as they once were, etc. Some are happy to still be alive, to still be standing on two feet, and grateful for having woken up in the morning.
It's not you that can never be satisfied: it's her. Make no mistake.
What you can do is become the little old lady your mother wasn't able to. Become the woman who contributes hope, peace and well chosen words in the form of wisdom to those she comes into contact with. A woman who's grateful to be alive and treasures each day as a gift. That's what I hope to achieve myself; to leave a positive footprint on this Earth instead of a negative one.
You've made me cry.
Thank you.
That's so much what i want to be -- a little old light lady, a candle in an old jar.
I have met a few truly lovely old ladies. One of them, now long gone, showed me how to live. She exuded joy and enthusiasm for life. Complaint was not in her vocabulary.
Thank you for your encouragement. Thank you so very much!
Some options: you could be in a flooded area, in a house that's being swallowed up by the encroaching oceans, in an area like Hawaii where people are losing their homes to the advancing lava flow, in California where so many lost houses to the wildfires, in Turkey where perhaps dozens have lost their lives due to avalanches, or, God forbid, in a horribly repressive country like Syria, Turkey, Russia, Saudi Arabia or North Korea.
Despite all the problems we have, in many ways we are fortunate b/c we have freedoms that many other countries don't have. I try to remember that when I start feeling sorry for myself.
Decades ago I met a relative who fled from a political genocide and was living in one of the countries now subject to heavy and devastating fighting. My mother and her sister were sent here for protection, and fared well. But the family never again saw one of their brothers who was also sent away for protection against the rampaging army. He just disappeared, and given where he went, it's no surprise.
I've thought often how fortunate I am to be here, not hiding from an out of control army, or now from a spreading virus, or battling water lapping at my home, or sleeping in a camp for refugees, or something that can create emotional distress for years if not for the rest of someone's life.
When your mother relates the news, ask her if she isn't glad that she has a nice, warm, comfortable home to live in, as opposed to a tent among hundreds if not thousands of refugees.
Sadly, I do not think that counting blessings is one of my mother's habits. At least not out loud.
Maybe that's why we have so little to talk about, despite that we have a lot of similarities.
And digestive issues and political shenanigans are her FAVORITE topics. So lovely. So pleasant. *sigh*
I wish I could be as forthright with my mom. Gradually I'm finding ways to push back on her negativity -- just today, when she came beetling out of her room to ask my son what he was dropping on his floor at night to wake her up, I turned the conversation to how helpful and considerate he is, and how ready he is to do things for others. I may have laid it on a bit thick -- he's not THAT much of a saint! -- but she has no idea how hard he tries to be a good member of our household despite his problems with organization, attention, and memory.
Maybe I should make a rule that when we come home, each person must make the first things they say POSITIVE. No complaints, no demands for sympathy. Just kind greetings, notes of what went well, good news that we encountered...
I'll talk to my husband about it.
I come home from teaching 4th graders and tutoring after that and I'm pretty tired and uncommunicative, so maybe I could do with some behavior modification myself!
Get a rug for your son's room if there isnt one there already.
Your mom needs to see a psychiatrist, preferably a geriatric one, as soon as possible. Bodies change with age and meds need to be adjusted. It is clear her neds are not working.
This is a lifelong personality, right? Not going to change overnight. Yes, you are self aware enough to monitor your own gratitude and attitude levels; she is not.
Is she on Medicaid? If she expressing thoughts that you want to kick her out, why dont you discuss that with her. As in "mom, your negativity and hovering over our conversations is really wearing; right now, we HAVE to live together. What changes can you and I make so that we can get through this?".
There is abchikdrens book called "Meshka the Kvetch" that I highly recommend for her.
I am telling you this because K is now 70. She is not going to change. She has lost friends and its not her fault, its theirs. Her sons keep their distance. She never sees that maybe she needs to change.
You mother should have been told long ago that the world doesn't revolve around her. Now, set boundries when u need to and except this is Mom.
Just because you recognize the draining (and sometimes toxic) effects of negativity doesn't mean you're the one that can't be satisfied. Some folks (including my mom) are just like that and they're very unpleasant to be around.
There's no remedy. Pointing out the silver lining, counting our blessings, etc won't change their outlook but countering the negativity with those kind of remarks may help you bear the constant assault on your spirits!
(((Hugs)))