I have a neighbor who feels I should be her caregiver. She is 6 years older than I am, at about 62 years old, retired early, just had her 2nd knee replacement and has also adopted a dog recently. I am unsure if she’s consulted with the senior center directly across the street, although I know they’re not a care facility and I don’t think she has long term care.
I still work, am really busy with my life, I don’t know her and I am hoping to move. I am unable to be her caregiver. But, I think what she’s looking for is free, 24 hour personal care from me, because I live upstairs from her.
What advice do you have, for people who still work and happen to have a neighbor move in, who thinks you should be their caregiver, and you’re still busy with your own life, working on self care and still achieving life goals?
Plus the fact is that dogs are in themselves expensive. She can’t walk it. It needs to go back.
Yes, they were looking for free eldercare. They didn’t come out and ask. They just wanted me to assume duties.
Let her know in no uncertain terms that you are not interested or capable of caring for her in any way, shape or form. Goodbye and good luck (that's you making that statement to her). In this case, I would not offer this neighbor ANY help at ALL b/c I don't believe she would accept 'a little' help 'once in a while' w/o it turning into a MESS for you! Like the old saying goes, give them an inch and they take a yard.........in her case, it would be a mile.
Best of luck!
You are so right, this is the kind of person who will take that mile!
A number of years ago, my SIL's "rescued" someone once - a woman with an "abusive" husband (not sure what the actual abuse was, other than he insisted she work to contribute to the household bills). Turned out she was a big-time leach, really took advantage of their good natures. It was the classic case of "if you save a life, you become responsible for it." My one SIL actually bought a second home to rent to this person! Leach-woman moved her elderly mother in with her, elderly mother paid the rent. When elderly mother had to be placed in a facility, leach-woman moved away as fast as she could, without any regard for my SIL and whether or not she could carry the note on the house without rental income. I tried to tell them both at the beginning, but they both *insisted* I was wrong about their dear "friend", and that I was "heartless" about the situation. It took every ounce of self-control to not say "I told you so." once leach-woman beat feet because she didn't feel it was "fair" that she should have to pay rent - her words exactly to my SIL.
Someday, you may need to sacrifice for someone you *do* owe. You might go as far as making whatever default services (county, state, medicaid etc) aware of her situation so that she doesn't go off the cliff, but that's it.
Other than adopting a puppy she shortly returned last year, it’s mostly been quiet. But, I can see that, now that she’s adopted a new dog, she wants to reinitiate conversation again, despite knowing I’m disinterested. This is not an assumption on my part. When I came home yesterday, she was out with her dog, said hi, I said hi and I went in. When I came out this morning, as I walk one of my cats, she said I seemed tired and like I didn’t want to talk yesterday. She doesn’t catch my vibe — because she doesn’t want to. In all likelihood, she wants to reinitiate conversation, to see if I’ve “changed my mind yet”. No, I haven’t. She’d likely become a full time PITA, banging on her ceiling (my floor) and running me out of my own life. I’ve lived here for over 30 years. No one is more incensed than I am that, out of all the neighbors I’ve had, comes one who thinks I work for her, for free, while she sits on her a$$, eating and watching TV all day.
IDK what kind of idiocy grabbed me and made me feel 'responsible' for her and those kids. Her home was in foreclosure and so I helped her pack 2 huge storage pods and her garage full of crap. I also paid for the pods (@900 a month)...long story short, she inherited some money and was able to make good enough with the bank that her foreclosure was stopped. The pods got emptied, but the garage is packed to the rafters and now, completely overrun with rats and mice.
My Dh had sent me to VA to visit my daughter, to get away from this woman...and when I returned home and found out she was not moving, I lost it. I told her I would not put one single box BACK in the house nor would I help her to do anything. She had broken me, as people of this nature are almost bound to do.
She used me, it is embarrassing to say. The 2 older boys are now in state custody and unlikely to ever get 'better'. The girl is less troublesome, but the legal fees on those boys--wow.
We have not spoken in almost 5 years. I felt so, so stupid and used. She told everyone I had ruined her life (nobody believed her)...but still.
This whole experience took the wind out of my sails and I have not reached out to help ANYONE since then, except for a small thing, like a meal or some babysitting. I have lost faith in the goodness of people, to a great extent.
DH is still angry with me. Not for being kind, but for being stupid and not listening to him. He was right, right from the start. This was not going to go well and it didn't.
I'm only 66 and so wary of 'users'.
'No good deed goes unpunished'.
Tell her you're unable to help out much (if at all), and refer her to the senior center every single time she asks.
There's being a good neighbor, which is what you should try to be, and being taken advantage of.
It is possible she had a problem from the anesthesia from her surgery, which is not uncommon in more senior people. Does she seems "ditzy"? Confused? It's not your job to fix any of this, just trying to work out who's radar she needs to be on if she really isn't mentally capable of making decisions for herself.
If she needs groceries, help her sign up for InstaCart (if she has a device of any kind). Or, give her the number for her local area's Agency on Aging and Social Services for her county. Then tell her that's as much as you can/will do for her anymore.
This neighbor has a husband in jail, who probably has access to professionals who know the system and can help with 'his' responsibilities.
There are a bevy of people out there who like to “decide” that, if you don’t have a husband and children, then they have free work for you to do, towards their benefit.
I told her no back then. She adopted a puppy last year. Either she took ill or could see for herself that, even smearing me to a neighbor to even get me to walk the dog, had no effect on my decision. She returned the puppy after 1 month.
This new dog is a full grown dog. Not sure if her agenda is still the same. Doesn’t matter.
I don’t know when I’ll be able to move. About to start the probate war with my sister as, my mother died earlier this year and there are 2 properties this involves.
And, yes, my impression is that this neighbor may have contacted no one for help. Not even neighbors who were unemployed or underemployed, because she has her mind set on me and only me. She may have also felt that she’d start me off with something small. Then, before I know it, I’m run out of my own life, every time she knocks on the ceiling. That is a permanent miscalculation for her, because I would not be jumping around 24/7.
Lastly, she is married to an imprisoned man, in for the double-murder of a woman and her child. He also has lung cancer. So, he can do nothing for her. I know that you can’t help who you fall in love with and I’m not his judge and jury. But, I get the feeling she is a poor decision maker and narcissist, who may cause her own problems, even manufacture some, then needs someone to get on the rat wheel to fix them for her. I’m not the one, nor will I be the one. Once I say no, it’s dead. I only posted the question to see if anyone has any ideas. Thank you. You’ve been helpful.
Best wishes to you OP.
May you move home & enjoy your new place.
Or if you do stay put, I wish you contentment & acceptance that it is OK to say No to others. Their reaction to our 'No' is not our responsibility.
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