How do you accept that you will never have the mother (kind, supportive, loving...) you always longed for?

My mother died when I was ten. My father spent the next forty years angry and depressed. I walked out at 18.. you Forget It and Drive On (FIDO) and save yourself from a black hole of crushing negative energy. You throw yourself a life ring and jump ship.

Maybe you have to find a way to detach yourself. Let go of the expectation and there will be no disappointment.

i think theres a possibility that mothers and daughter just biologically compete more than being close. dynamics that i cant explain -- kinda like how youd never see a sibling as sexually attractive even if they were really hot looking. im the son in our family of three siblings and mom would toss both daughters under the bus tires every time to come to my defense. i think mothers dote on the son because they see him as being the more capable carer in the future if for nothing else his ability to fix s**t. ive known several very upstanding women in the last few years whove confided in me that females are blithering annoyances. that is their opinions, not mine. either way if biological dynamics are at play that were not even capable of understanding, youll just have to let go and accept things as they are. thats rather sad because the gradual loss alone is bad enough to deal with.

To accept, I think you first have to grieve and feel the pain of never having had a loving mother, and having one now who is rejecting you. That must hurt a lot.

Another special day ruined - look at all the ruined ones on the past and prepare for it. Once when I was bemoaning someone's behaviour towards me, a relative said to me -"What do you expect? So and so has always been like that." It made me think and I adjusted my expectations. You can't get blood from a stone. I think I am safe in saying that your mother will never love you the way you need it.

Can you build a life separate from your mother? Develop some friendships, some interests away from her and outside of the dysfunctionality. Look to others for the affirmations you never got and never will get from your mother. Don't expect her behaviour to change. Fill those needs somewhere else. Your need for love is legitimate, but you are looking at the wrong source. I know it is hard. We are created to flourish within our families, but some of us have families that are destructive. I can't help feeling that you need to get away from your mother, at least for a period of time, until you do some healing and accept her as she is. ((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) and prayers.

Sometimes I don't know how we end up as caregivers. We need a mother when we are young, but some mothers are just not there for their children. It seems to me that women of a certain age preferred sons. If we look at the old TV shows, they were "My Three Sons" and "Bonanza" with Ben's three sons. Often the women had died in these stories, so they didn't get encumbered with any female at all. Many of us grew up during those years when boys were seen as better. Females were good for breeding and maid work. Families that preferred sons tended to invest in them and the daughters got scraps. I tend to think that mothers in these families didn't like themselves as women.

We are where we are now and we are our own mothers. It no longer matters what the women that gave birth to us think if we know who we are. Heart2Heart, I agree with others about not looking at your mother for what you need. Look to yourself instead to figure out how you are going to be better to yourself. I would not even waste time mourning about the mother you were denied. Just figure out what you need to do for you, then figure out how to do it. I think that is good advice for us all. Our parents had us for the first 20 years, but we've had ourselves since that time. What we do depends on us.

How do you pick up the pieces? You can't. As Emjo says, grieve it and then make the decision to let go. Grieve the mother you never had and embrace all the strong women or "other mothers" in your life that have made your life meaningful.

It must be very hard and seem on-sided when you step up to care for mom, thinking she will be so grateful and you will finally connect and stir all those feelings and loving moments you've longed for and dreamed of.

It just doesn't happen. Their world shrinks, their instinct is survival, and you are a convenience to provide that love and care. It hurts to have them still talk about your brother who isn't there for her and talk about how he calls, the wonderful card he sent, yada yada with no regard to the "biggest gift and sacrifice"...you, your time, love and care in spite of all that has come before. I know, as that is my situation.

It will never happen and you will be even sadder and resentful with each passing day unless you can let go of this expectation. YOU. CAN. LET GO and still provide the care --it's an emotional shift in thinking. It took me a long time and I'm able to do it and learning to love my mom in spite of it. I know I will have no regrets and I know I'm Answering to myself only. I pay it forward by loving my children, making sure that they know it everyday in saying it to them out loud, in public and in my actions. They are grown. Do the same with your friends and all those who have meaning in your life.

Forgive your mom for what she can't or won't give you and move on.

I have some very close friends who have grown up with me or who have let me share my experience and sadness regarding my family life growing up. They have been great listeners and understanding even though their life experiences were different. I've also discovered others who've experienced the same and it's good knowing I'm not alone.

My upbringing was not bad...just not the "father knows best" TV family I longed for. I found it in other families who took me under their wing and provided those needs. I have since thanked them when I could for all they taught me and I have created the family I always wanted in my own.

Good luck and hugs. I hope you can talk to someone or get counseling if that is what it takes. Maybe these feedbacks will help you face the days ahead and look in the mirror and tell yourself "I'm worthy and loved" even if I never hear it form mom.

Wonderful advice from all who have been more or less in your very shoes, and you can now include me. Every day I struggle with the same as you. But this year is different: I am seeing a counselor when I can (even once a month). I am on this site! MOST helpful! I am willing myself to be kind and let go. I still feel my anger and hurt and I know I am holding on to a weight that hurts Mom and myself. "Today, I will be just a little kinder and let go a little more", I say to myself. Many days I fail. I am grateful I have another day to try again to perfect myself, not to change her! You are going to change iron old habits of thoughts from childhood, instinctive feelings. Of course this is very hard! But the prize is a clean feeling of loving, a kind of freedom, a self love that is good for you.
Also, I think that if I can detach from past resentments, or enmeshments of attachment, that will help my 92 year old mother let go of me. In their odd ways, our mothers depended on us. We served them and protected them from facing their own flaws. Now we must let go, forgive, while still being there for them!

One of my friends who cared for her sick parents for decades and is a social worker said to me, "You have to stop wanting something in return. Give and don't expect anything any more." At some point, I know there will be what is called Grace. It's not the mother we wanted, it's the loving person without fear, without old rage, without resentment in our very own selves. Imagine that being you, entertain the idea that YOU might be different and what would that feel like or look like? What will be your prize? What happens when you let go? I feel lighter and happier. On the days when I hang on to my crap I feel like....crap!

Share your process with us some more. Know that you sure are not alone. We are all cheering for your inner strength. This is an opportunity for us to grow.

And remember that love is like air: no one special owns it or contains it. You can find it within yourself and outside of yourself. Sometimes, when I really let go of my anger and am with my mother, I even feel her own being just a little bit smoother.

Do you believe that no one is given a test that they cannot overcome? We can overcome. Give yourself some room to feel and release and try a different way.

clarification;
my opinion of females is not negative at all. i was pointing out how females view / compete with each other in some instances.

Understood, capn. Women do compete, even though they are in their best form when they cooperate. I've found that getting a lot of women to cooperate, however, is like herding cats. It takes a special person to be a leader of women.

I understand Captain.... Thank you and everyone for your thoughts and experiences... It helps me so much... It's so good to know you're not alone...

I realized that there is this competition to be the hero between my sisters. They ganged up on me. One lived with my mother for a year because she was between places and was waiting for her own home to sell. During that time I heard complaints from my sister that my mother was losing it and then my mother complained to my other sister who lived nearby. The one that lived there made it very clear she couldn't wait to move out. They had lots of words. My mother cried to my other sister saying she felt like a guest in her own home. It was a mess and I believe my sister jumped on the opportunity for a hostile takeover to be the hero to make up for all the distress she caused. She alone took credit by saying "It took ME a year to convince her to move." My brother is the one that seized the happy moment after her 80th birthday party to take my mother house hunting. He took action. We've all been involved. She can take her credit. I just take issue with throwing me and my brother under the bus to get there. My mother is not a very appreciative person anyway. We do it for her and expect nothing in return.

I understand how you are feeling. It's not a good feeling. I look back now and realize my mother has always been in her own little world . Thank goodness for my father back then. She was never there for me emotionally and that stinks , when she developed dementia it became worse, she became more demanding and a bigger pill to swallow. I started wondering what the lesson was for me in all of this and then it came to light. I had so much resentment , unhealthy anger , bitterness for how she was when I was young and caregiving for her with dementia was really hard we had to place her in a memory center months ago due to her level of care. Watching her loose her independence, and seeing her become so vunerable has been heartwrenching for me but it took away all the resentment, anger , bad feelings , I feel blessed that was taken away from me. I truly love my mother again. I can ignore all of her demands and self serving ways and chalk it up to dementia. I feel like God is preparing me for this. Good luck

Know for sure one thing...you deserved and needed love, support, and encouragement. You did not get it because there was something wrong with Mom, not because there was something wrong with you. Yes, you do have to give up on ever getting what Mom either does not have or for reasons even she has probably forgotten, decided to withhold. I found that there was more emotional turmoil when my Mom passed than when my Dad did; Dad occasionally told me he loved me and was proud of me, Mom could never stop criticizing and belittling, she was very perfectionistic in a bad, blaming, cutting-people-off kind of way, and you grieve for what could have been, should have been, might have been if only, rather than for the ending of a good relationship and a life full of good memories. I'm sad for the loss of both of them, but the feelings for my mom were so much more complicated. She did what she thought was right, and I was largely an obstacle to her being the perfect parent she thought she was supposed to be, that's the way I can understand it now.

1Acknowledge and grieve the loss of never having a true mother. A real mother puts her child’s physical and emotional needs above her own, however if you’ve lived or are currently living with a narcissistic mother, her needs must be met first.
Don’t try to figure out why. In some cases your mother was the victim of a narcissistic mother herself or another kind of abuse. In other cases perhaps your mother never really “grew up” and hasn’t realized that the world is a bigger place than just her. Either way, it’s her problem not yours.
Try not to ponder “what if?” You were dealt this kind of mother for a reason--not to punish you but instead to perhaps challenge you or inspire you to rise above. Wistfully thinking about what could have been if you had a different mother will only make the situation more painful.
Go through the actual grieving process. You’ve finally realized that your mother will not change and you’ve been given a mother who only thinks of one person--herself. Give yourself time to grieve so you can move onto healing.
Avoid trying to change your mother. Perhaps you believe that if you are better behaved or get that big promotion at work your mother will finally recognize you and be proud. You’ve done nothing wrong, but unfortunately any act of greatness will be wasted on a narcissist.
Obtain a strong support system. Depending on your age, surround yourself with caring, loving people who truly care about your and your well-being. If you are still living at home it may be your friends, relatives or boyfriend/girlfriend. Adults can turn to their spouse or friends as well.
If you are an adult and have children, don’t use their love as a crutch. As much as you may want to turn to your child when your mother is upsetting you ( they can still do that well into adulthood), stop yourself and redirect your emotions. Children will not only misunderstand what you are trying to tell them, they may become concerned that the same thing could happen to them.
If you have trouble securing support consult with a trained therapist who can suggest an actual support group for children of narcissistic mothers.
Distance yourself from your mother. As difficult as that may sound getting away from someone like this may be the only way you can move toward healing.
If you still live at home, avoid getting close. Often narcissistic people will sense when others are pulling away and act as though they are taking interest only to go back to their old ways once they have captivated their “audience” (you). Try to maintain minimal contact with mother at home--consider her behavior as more of an amusement, which is nothing serious and has no weight on your life.
Move away from your mother. Limited contact will most likely work best for you, especially if you live in different towns or states. If you find that talking on the phone with mother gets you upset, only take phone calls when you are mentally prepared to deal with her--don’t allow her to take you off guard, upsetting you and ruining your day.
Maintain a level of contact that makes you comfortable. If completely abandoning the relationship, never looking back is the only way you can move on do whatever you can to heal. However, some children still feel guilty completely letting go and may feel obligated to provide financial assistance to their narcissistic mother--if that does not weigh heavily on your spirit allow yourself to provide for your mother. Remember it's not about her, it's about healing you and moving on.

i dont think the past is troubling you right now. your just losing your mother in little bits. decline is loss. i didnt lose mom at death, by then 95 % had been lost in bits along the way. other family members may lose her all at once. not the carer. the carer lost her on the installment plan. bad explaination but youll see when she passes away .

the carer doesnt get off easy by making the installments because the carer is going to lose a domestic partner, and theres no way that wont be a shock to the system.

@HEART2HEART, even before my Mother's dementia progressed very far or as it is now, for instance, that it has taken away most of her ability for speech, my Mother would get any angry at me and say, "Stop calling me that!" What was I calling her? Mother! Her other favorites are "You're a sh_t! and You're crazy, you know that? Absolutely nothing like this get's said to my brother! He benefits because when he calls I make like it is the most exciting thing in the world, that her son has called her. It is this that keeps her knowing that she has a son (I think). As for me, when my friend asked my Mother, "who is this nice person sitting here" there was total silence as she stared at me. What she could basically put together is that I am a nice lady who is always around and I help her. I thought that was pretty perceptive of her, though I would have preferred if she said, "oh, that's Madeline. She's my daughter. She and her husband have opened their home to me, and I'm slowly destroying their home life and robbing them of what used to be a very close and loving relationship but I don't mean to do that. It's just that she's here for that reason. She sold her beautiful home in California and came here to help me get settled. I wish I would have told her the truth that I just wanted my husband to retire and stay home with me. That the truth is I concocted this moving -to-Florida story to get him to take early retirement.
NOT to get her to give up her life and friends in California and move here to watch over us. Now her husband can't work and they've lost all of their retirement money and I used to feel guilty about that. Because really I just wanted to go shopping and out to eat with my husband NOT with my daughter. But she expected that. Just like she expected to help me set up housekeeping here. I didn't tell her to ship all of that furniture here from California. But she did and so I never had to buy anything. Just a bed. And she made me spend all of this money on a really good bed. I don't know why. My husband and I can sleep on anything. She's just likes to spend money."

Okay, enough of that. I came her to ease my Mother and stepfather into retirement and they resented it for years and wouldn't even tell me. It's like they blamed me for them moving here. She always talked about moving here. Every time I suggested they could live in a nice condo a few blocks from my home in Los Angeles, all I would hear about is earthquakes and how beautiful the weather was in Florida. Well, the humity is awful and my native Californian husband hates it here, and almost all of his old business clients thought he retired when we moved here, which really badly affected his consulting business. So now we've got a big house we sill cannot sell, and which needs a ton of maintenance, and my Mother and stepfather are well off financially because they never bought even a small condo here, even though they repeated for years that they were just looking for the right one. Do I feel used and abused? Yep. But I guess I was asking for it. I've been trying to win her love my whole life, since I figured out that it was her son who even though he was constantly in trouble for one thing or another, was the one who brought true joy into her life. But until the end I will do the best I can for her, because I love her very much, and I can't believe that God gave her this terrible disease, this awful existence, especially knowing she had a very difficult childhood and was never able to be happy with my father, that she was nervous about everything and always that something bad would happen to one of us. The strange thing is I don't think she can worry now. I don't think she's afraid anymore of the little things that would scare her. I just hope she knows that I love her, Bruce my husband loves her, everyone in our family and God loves her, and we're here to protect her forever.

Sounds like a typical narcissitic parent. You have to realize that YOU are special and deserving of living your best life possible, with or without your mother's love and approval.

It amazes me how a parent can deny their children love, affection, adoration, guidance while growing up, and in their time of need the adult child is somewhat forced or guilted into caring for said parent and they STILL do not receive what was lacking in their childhood from that parent. If anything, they get an even bigger dose of what was dished out throughout their life.

I wish you could drop your mother off with your brothers and keep your distance so you can learn who you truly are without your mother's constant put-downs ringing in your ears and being absorbed through your psyche at your detriment. Sometimes, we really have to distance ourselves from people as we get older - NO MATTER WHO THEY ARE.

Remember, you can choose your friends. Unfortunately you can't choose your relatives. I hope one day you are able to find the self love and self acceptance you deserve.

Caregiving for a parent is tough, whether you are close to them or not. I know I always wondered if I was doing the right thing at the right time. You do/did the best you knew how, don't beat yourself up. I feel like God does prepare us and he chooses who he wants to take care of a love one. We may not have a nursing degree, but we may be the ones with the most love and care. God Bless You.