We recently moved my 82 year-old father-in-law in with us. He was showing signs of mental decline, but I think it's far worse than we thought. He already believes we've stolen his life savings because we took his checkbooks from him to lock them up (he kept misplacing them and then panicking and accusing everyone of stealing them. He would also write checks for thousands of dollars and then not know where to send them because nothing was due, but send them to random companies). He truly believes his money and CDs are gone since he doesn't have it in hand, has lost all concept of a bank.
When we went to clean out his house, he couldn't find the CDs (paperwork for the CDs that we already took to our house) and swore up and down that some kids broke in and stole them. That was the only possibility. I tried to assure him that they wouldn't be able to do anything with the paperwork because they aren't him or my husband (his attorney in fact), naturally, he didn't believe me. Then, as soon as we got home, I showed him all of the paperwork, but all of that was forgotten the next morning. Then, as we were leaving his house after cleaning, he was concerned that kids would break in and turn his water on and steal his food (food we left until we brought a cooler back).
Effective July 1, 2019, he has Medicare Parts A, B & D, yet he doesn't believe he has insurance since he doesn't work (he was working all the way until 7/1/2019 at a grocery store). His PC Physician, other son and daughter-in-law, multiple nurses, his cardiologist and phlebotomist have all told him he has Medicare and it's really good insurance. He believes no one - they don't know anything. Then, he'll say that it doesn't pay anything and that he'll be broke. He is combative when going to the doctor and when taking meds. By the way, any tips on giving him his meds? He firmly believes we are trying to give him a stroke or paralyze him, if not trying to kill him. I explain that he has to take his high BP meds and blood thinners or he WILL have a stroke or heart attack. He doesn't believe us. For example, it took us 45 minutes to give him his night meds last night. This morning, my husband spent an hour and 4 minutes. We really don't know what to do. We can't just let him go without his meds, but he's becoming more combative and once they melt in his mouth (he holds them in his mouth until they do), he will spit everything out. Any tips? Clearly, we need all the tips we can get. :) Thank you all.
Ah, crushed meds with jelly is a great idea! Never thought of that! :)
To be honest, I am afraid to put him in a nursing home...our family hasn't had great luck with NHs. Part of me is afraid he's too far along for AL. My MIL was in AL and it didn't last long. As soon as she began falling, they shipped her to a NH.
I'm glad to hear that it's a stage, that's what I was hoping. As I've already mentioned, I firmly believe we're in an adjustment period where he's defiant because he just lost his independence.
Thank you so much!
In the beginning when I started looking after her, my mother was extremely argumentative and uncooperative with me abut everything. I asked her PCP could he give her something to "take the edge off" and he said yes, but then I decided to try a few other strategies first.
Regarding money, finances, insurance, meds, in my case what I say doesn't count (I'm no expert from her point of view), so I had to figure out the simple pat "answers" with "experts" that would momentarily satisfy her (until the next time, of course!), stop the fussing, and we could move on. "Ed is handling all that" (her trusted financial adviser); I told Ed that he was my goto when needed. In the beginning she'd call him and he'd back me up, bless him; now I just have to say it and it settles her down. "Dr. S says you HAVE to..." (her long time PCP); she likes him and will begrudgingly do what he says, and I use that to my advantage. Between Ed and Dr. S, so far things have settled down. Good luck!
Also, give him a wallet with cards that are expired or store cards that can’t get him in trouble. Keep an extra wallet with you somewhere else so when he loses it and starts accusing you or your family, you can pull it out like magic.
Welcome to the caregiving adventure!
Thank you!
What has worked for me is simply agreeing with her, telling her she has money in her handbag, may I help you look for your check book, I am so sorry you are going through this, are you hot/cold, are you hungry, do you need to go to the bathroom, are you scared, I am here with you. These are all the terms I use when getting eye level with her. I hold her dominate hand palm to palm, eye contact, and use my other hand onto of the hand I am holding. When she is screaming I mouth words softly so she has to stop screaming in order to hear me.i hope this helps you.
Sometimes the anger stems from frustration and anxiety. Anti anxiety meds may help with that.
if you decide to look for assisted living, some have Memory Care as well so they can move from one part to the next with as little difficulty as possible. Any change knocks them for a loop. Also talk to them about their philosophy of dementia care. Do they keep the residents engaged?
Also if he wears glasses or hearing aids make sure they are working as well as possible as those problems also exacerbate dementia. Same with infections, if you notice a change in his behavior, check for one.
Socialization and activities also helps so if he’s capable of going to a senior center or similar that may help. The less my mother is involved with activities the more anxiety and frustration hence anger she displays.
How about giving him things to “think about” so he can feel like he has some control, but you can narrow down the choices. Ex: “would you like to wear this or that?” Or “do you want to eat first or take your meds?” Or “would you like to pay your bills now with me or do you want to shower beforehand?” Then, write it down in front of him so he can refer to his “list”....
its a little suggestion, but my dad was a list maker, and writing things down on a bullet point list seems to keep him going..
best wishes. It’s hard, I understand totally!
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