We recently moved my 82 year-old father-in-law in with us. He was showing signs of mental decline, but I think it's far worse than we thought. He already believes we've stolen his life savings because we took his checkbooks from him to lock them up (he kept misplacing them and then panicking and accusing everyone of stealing them. He would also write checks for thousands of dollars and then not know where to send them because nothing was due, but send them to random companies). He truly believes his money and CDs are gone since he doesn't have it in hand, has lost all concept of a bank.
When we went to clean out his house, he couldn't find the CDs (paperwork for the CDs that we already took to our house) and swore up and down that some kids broke in and stole them. That was the only possibility. I tried to assure him that they wouldn't be able to do anything with the paperwork because they aren't him or my husband (his attorney in fact), naturally, he didn't believe me. Then, as soon as we got home, I showed him all of the paperwork, but all of that was forgotten the next morning. Then, as we were leaving his house after cleaning, he was concerned that kids would break in and turn his water on and steal his food (food we left until we brought a cooler back).
Effective July 1, 2019, he has Medicare Parts A, B & D, yet he doesn't believe he has insurance since he doesn't work (he was working all the way until 7/1/2019 at a grocery store). His PC Physician, other son and daughter-in-law, multiple nurses, his cardiologist and phlebotomist have all told him he has Medicare and it's really good insurance. He believes no one - they don't know anything. Then, he'll say that it doesn't pay anything and that he'll be broke. He is combative when going to the doctor and when taking meds. By the way, any tips on giving him his meds? He firmly believes we are trying to give him a stroke or paralyze him, if not trying to kill him. I explain that he has to take his high BP meds and blood thinners or he WILL have a stroke or heart attack. He doesn't believe us. For example, it took us 45 minutes to give him his night meds last night. This morning, my husband spent an hour and 4 minutes. We really don't know what to do. We can't just let him go without his meds, but he's becoming more combative and once they melt in his mouth (he holds them in his mouth until they do), he will spit everything out. Any tips? Clearly, we need all the tips we can get. :) Thank you all.
I should take advice from his PCP about how far to go with compliance with his meds, especially in the short term. It may be that the stress of fighting tips the balance against this being a battle to pick every time, at least until he's adjusted. If he refuses, take them away and try again later.
What dementia investigations have been done?
In the beginning when I started looking after her, my mother was extremely argumentative and uncooperative with me abut everything. I asked her PCP could he give her something to "take the edge off" and he said yes, but then I decided to try a few other strategies first.
Regarding money, finances, insurance, meds, in my case what I say doesn't count (I'm no expert from her point of view), so I had to figure out the simple pat "answers" with "experts" that would momentarily satisfy her (until the next time, of course!), stop the fussing, and we could move on. "Ed is handling all that" (her trusted financial adviser); I told Ed that he was my goto when needed. In the beginning she'd call him and he'd back me up, bless him; now I just have to say it and it settles her down. "Dr. S says you HAVE to..." (her long time PCP); she likes him and will begrudgingly do what he says, and I use that to my advantage. Between Ed and Dr. S, so far things have settled down. Good luck!
It's only been a month, I'm hoping once he gets adjusted to living with someone, he'll calm down a bit. But, we're contemplating Assisted Living.
Also, give him a wallet with cards that are expired or store cards that can’t get him in trouble. Keep an extra wallet with you somewhere else so when he loses it and starts accusing you or your family, you can pull it out like magic.
Welcome to the caregiving adventure!
Thank you!
Ah, crushed meds with jelly is a great idea! Never thought of that! :)
To be honest, I am afraid to put him in a nursing home...our family hasn't had great luck with NHs. Part of me is afraid he's too far along for AL. My MIL was in AL and it didn't last long. As soon as she began falling, they shipped her to a NH.
I'm glad to hear that it's a stage, that's what I was hoping. As I've already mentioned, I firmly believe we're in an adjustment period where he's defiant because he just lost his independence.
Thank you so much!
I will admit, it's a struggle to remember that he is sick and not trying to be mean to us, it's not him. But, during the most difficult times, I repeat that to myself. My hubby and I both remind each other.
Thank you for the help!
At first my LO was very anxious and was scared because she said that things seemed different in her head. She felt like she was dreaming. So, he may be having a lot of fear and confusion that he's embarrassed to tell you about. So, I'd try to keep him calm and comforted. This kind of thing can be a full time job. People who have dementia may have delusions that cannot be dissuaded. Or hallucinations that cause them to act out. This may be a phase that he comes out of, but, there is not guarantee how long it might last. You might explore some professionals to help you. They are aids who can come to the house and there are also facilities.
I'd also remove any weapons from the home. With my LO, I also removed all scissors, knives and poisons. I'd read online tips on safe proofing your house if someone there has dementia for their and your safety.
My husband does have Financial and Medical POA. His finances are set, POD and beneficiaries listed on all accounts, etc.
You hit the nail on the head - his delusions are impossible to be dissuaded, so hubby and I are learning and working on just listening and commiserating, but it's a process.
Smart - I hadn't thought about FIL-proofing the house. We will do this! Yes! I'm going to start watching Teepa Snow.
Thank you so much!
FTD affects the frontal lobe, the social center.
Properly dosed Rick Simpson Oil, RSO, or a high THC flower (*fire OGs are best) have worked wonders for my wife who suspected everyone of everything.
My wife beat up a bus driver, the staff, and drew blood on the director of a PACE facility. She also went after the throat of a case worker in our home.
Since 2013 for 9 years the meds have been the answer for my wife and all the caregivers.
Here is a good article with personal testimonies.
https://www.beingpatient.com/cannabis-dementia/
What has worked for me is simply agreeing with her, telling her she has money in her handbag, may I help you look for your check book, I am so sorry you are going through this, are you hot/cold, are you hungry, do you need to go to the bathroom, are you scared, I am here with you. These are all the terms I use when getting eye level with her. I hold her dominate hand palm to palm, eye contact, and use my other hand onto of the hand I am holding. When she is screaming I mouth words softly so she has to stop screaming in order to hear me.i hope this helps you.
I also suggest exploring an aid or housekeeper who can come a few days a week to either help your husband with caring for Dad or help clean the house. It can help relieve the stress, although it’s an adjustment having a new person there. Usually, the eldercare aid is trained on how to handle Alzheimer’s behavior and can maybe even teach you some useful tricks.
Sometimes the anger stems from frustration and anxiety. Anti anxiety meds may help with that.
if you decide to look for assisted living, some have Memory Care as well so they can move from one part to the next with as little difficulty as possible. Any change knocks them for a loop. Also talk to them about their philosophy of dementia care. Do they keep the residents engaged?
Also if he wears glasses or hearing aids make sure they are working as well as possible as those problems also exacerbate dementia. Same with infections, if you notice a change in his behavior, check for one.
Socialization and activities also helps so if he’s capable of going to a senior center or similar that may help. The less my mother is involved with activities the more anxiety and frustration hence anger she displays.
How about giving him things to “think about” so he can feel like he has some control, but you can narrow down the choices. Ex: “would you like to wear this or that?” Or “do you want to eat first or take your meds?” Or “would you like to pay your bills now with me or do you want to shower beforehand?” Then, write it down in front of him so he can refer to his “list”....
its a little suggestion, but my dad was a list maker, and writing things down on a bullet point list seems to keep him going..
best wishes. It’s hard, I understand totally!
So my advice is to continue to ask for help and advice, be open and don’t hide your issues. It is unfortunate but nothing to be ashamed of. It seems that many people have experienced some form of this behavior and the more it is talked about the more answers you might find.
I had been caring for her at home since 2006. 8 years.
The doctors did not know what was wrong with her.
An inept neurologist guessed that it might be PTSD and that went in her record.
It prevented proper diagnosis and care.
Insurances and Medicaid differentiate between 'organic' and 'psychological'.
Christy's eligibility and care was delayed because inept keystrokers believed that they could only accept a person who had a 'physical', organic' brain injury.
PTSD is not considered organic.
The PTSD guess on her record delayed her eligibility for Medicaid. They sent us to behavioral health entities for months.
It took 8 months to even get to the first specialist who said he could do nothing for her and referred us, with doubt, to other doctors.
Every BH entity just rolled their eyes and said " Why do they keep sending these clients to us? She cannot respond or follow direction and can't be tested".
The PTSD guess also cause the PACE doctors to administer Alzheimer's and behavioral meds. She beat up a bus driver, the staff, and drew blood on the director of the PACE facility, so she was not allowed in the daycare program, but PACE was contracted to provide her health care.
She also went after the throat of a case worker in our home, so they could not send anyone to help us at home.
One of those meds, one dose, bent her over immediately and reduced her cognition further. The doctors watched in a panic as we lead her down the halls of the clinic. She was bent over and drooling and bumping into the walls.
The staff was trying to demonstrate the use of a 'gait belt.
As they were helping her into a vehicle they started yelling HELP!
It was tragically funny.
That was 2014 and she has not recovered. Someone has to be within reach of her every moment as she will become a pinball.
Still with no diagnosis, PACE tried to admit her to New Mexico University's new Geri/Psyche ward in 2015 for a 14 day eval and experimental 'cocktails' of meds. Christy went ballistic when they tried to take her vitals and the crash cart made a noise. Then she went after staff who were talking loudly in the break room.
They discharged her immediately as they would have had to 'both physically and chemically restrain her.
That would negate the 'cocktail experiment' and restraint is unlawful.
We are glad because in the FTD diagnosis later in 2015 we read that Alzhemer's meds, any brain affecting meds, have adverse affects with FTD.
Christy is still bent over and drooling for no physical reason.
There are no meds for her behavior, but a doctor did offer a med that would calm her for our relief but would "shorten her life". We say, "No way!"
Christy's FTD causes violent seizures, ascribed to the empty brain trying to re-connect, but has no history to make a proper connection. There are no meds for FTD siezures, except cannabis.
Cannabis stops a seizure immediately and calms the chaos that causes the behavior for several hours. It also allows her to sleep at night, where no Rx or over the counter has any affect.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4151390/
Life is good for Christy and the family.
She was, as described by doctors, 'hellish'.
Now she is a lot of work but she is a 'hoot' and we cherish our days with her.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4062551/