My 88-year-old mom has been living alone, independently in a house in the country and has a beloved shitzu she has cared for as well. She was diagnosed with a-fib about 3 years ago, which makes her tire more easily, but has been able to do pretty well. She just had to be hospitalized for 4 and half days with Plural Effusion and diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure.
I am a single, only child and I have to work (she lives a half hour away) and simply can’t take care of her.
Her doctor thinks she will likely get back to how she was before, but right now, I’m not sure. Short of breath, super low energy and her new meds knock her out.
I’m feeling so, so overwhelmed, scared and don’t know what to do even if she is able to get back to pre-hospital state, it’s going to take longer than I can be off work.
I’m so scared… I’m feeling like I’m drowning and trapped without any light at the end of this tunnel. 😢
I don’t know if she can live in a senior living community or if she needs more care than that and don’t know if there is someone who can do an assessment to determine that either.
How do I get 24-7 care here until she is stronger? And then there is her beloved pup, who I can’t care for either due to my long work hours. He’s unfortunately high maintenance and is on meds himself.
Any ideas, words of support greatly appreciated. I’m so scared. 😢 Kelly
It may be best to explain that she *temporarily* needs more help than you can give her. She should hire a companion aid. Agencies are more expensive but provide more conveniences. Or, she think about selling her home and transitioning to a IL community near you, one with a continuum of care levels.
She has options but NONE of them can be you giving up your life and career. She needs to now think deeply and serious and realistically about the fact that seniors need more and more help. Almost no one stays at the same level then magically exits the earth. I'm there too, at 65 I've never had so many health issues in a single year than this one -- and it may or may not change. Your Mom is a grown adult who has had ample time to think this through. But you will need to have the conversation with her that you are not in the mix as her 100% solution. Give her time for this to soak in but defend this boundary. This forum is replete with posts of woe by adult children who were assumed into caregiving and it consumed their lives for the worst.
Make sure your Mom first and foremost has assigned you as her PoA. This is a dealbreaker. It will be exponentially more difficult if she doesn't assign you as her agent. Make sure she understands that without a PoA then the court will appoint a 3rd party guardian and you will have no control over any of her affairs.
After she creates a PoA, a Advanced Healthcare Directive/POLST, a Last Will & Testament then take her for an exam and request a cognitive/memory test so there is a baseline measurement in her chart.
You may need to take some time off (like a week) to help her figure things out. Try to eat the elephant one bite at a time. It will be messy at first but then as you come up with solutions, it will improve. Your Mom may or may not like the options you present her, but it is essential that your caregiving role is not onerous to you. If this happens, it means the arrangement isn't working.
I wish you all the best as you and your Mom work through this.
These are very long days and I know I can’t do this for too long, yet my heart is scared and concerned for my mom and Riley my sweet four-legged brother. 😢
2) Start shopping for a care agency.
3) Do you have access to a social worker? Can her primary care refer one? She can help you find assisted living facilities,
Assisted living is good if mom has the money to pay for it. If she doesn't, then what?
The only viable solution I see is that mom needs to sell her house in the country and move closer to services and the OP. A smaller one level apartment would be more affordable than assisted living and it doesn't sound like mom needs to be in a nursing home just yet.
This agency can send a social worker out to do a needs assessment to help you figure out her care needs and if she can go to Independent Living or Assisted Living . Sell her house to pay for it ,
You’ll have to rehome the dog .
Some facilities let you bring pets but your Mom would have to be able to take care of it on her own. Sounds like she can’t do that.
Mom is 88 with CHF , don’t entertain the thought of her going back to her home to live by herself. Because this will happen again where she will end up in the hospital and you will be at square one , overwhelmed .
Mom is declining.
Good Luck .
Maybe you could find one that has both these levels of care.
IMO, at 88 with CHF Mom is not going to bounce back. If Mom can afford Assisted Living, that would be a good choice and she can take her dog with her, if she can care for it. Her meds, if they knock her out maybe they need to be adjusted.
As someone said, have that talk with Mom. Don't ask her to decide right at that time. Tell her " I want you to think about what I am going to say".
Nextdoor.com (for your Mom's location) is a great resource but be care to not give out too much info about your Mom, since I would consider her a vulnerable adult.
Is she a regular attender at a church? If so, contact that church office and let them know she needs some help.
Also consider social services for her county. Call and talk to them about options, or scheduling an in-home assessment for services.
Not sure how to even go about the house. The contents…I can’t move things. I’m not sure if there are auction services that could help sell off stuff as is…I’m hoping. We aren’t there yet, but I want to know all the options. 🙏
Another person in ny bocce group was newly diagnosed in December. He had your moms symptoms. It too a few weeks for meds to kick in but he is actually back to work.
If you need piece of mind for a sitter for mom check it out but she might be fine soon. She might be able to open up to friends to check on her once in a while.
If your mom is mentally intact she can choose how to handle this. You should have a discussion with her about her expectations
We are definitely talking about things. She gets we need to do something for my peace of mind and hers.
So appreciate hearing hope, yet whole I take actions.
My 91yo mom has A-fib, CHF, a pacemaker, and was discharged after a bout of community-acquired pneumonia with plural effusion. After about a month and a half, she is basically back to where she was before it all happened. I'm not saying your mom can recover like this but don't lose hope just yet.
Maybe (MAYBE) she will be okay going back home with a home health service with some services 100% covered by Medicare. At the least, you can have someone in home to assist her and her dog. I'm a huge pet lover (dogs especially) and my mind immediately thought of doggy daycare as a temporary solution while you're at work.
Good luck. Stay strong!
Thank you! I’m so grateful to have found this group!
Its a tough job becoming the caregiver and best if you can find a place that can care for mom as you'll be tied up with other matters as bills, paying medical premiums, homeowners insurance and or selling the property. That's enough stress along with working! You need to discuss this with mom,tell her how you feel. Saying mom,I'm scared is a good place to start. Nobody has all the answers and you'll have many more questions later. I know that it becomes overwhelming and you just have to stop and take care of yourself first, its not selfish, it's reality. You can't be of any help to anyone if you are worrying yourself sick.
Anything else - such as your having to make repeated trips to mom's country place or moving her in with you - is way too much for you to handle. If she's in a nice AL, she'll have a community and others to take care of her needs. Obligating yourself to do everything for her for years to come is NOT a good idea.
You say that she's independent - help her to retain as much independence as possible in a place where she'll have professional care. And her dog.
It sounds like your mother has been remarkably well all her life, and that this is her first health crisis (?). So of course this crisis inevitably brings up a ton of worries and anxiety ....not only about her mortality but your own mortality, aging, fears about running out of money, balancing career with family, making major decisions for someone else that you love, fear of being alone and in ill health, guilt issues, plus your sheer exhaustion making it harder to think clearly or take action. Okay, come to think of it - that's how I react, but I think it's kind of an universal reaction to this kind of situation.
Of course there are alternatives to tranqs, such as meditation, exercise, massage, therapy, etc. So getting a RX for tranquilizers may not be a good solution for you. But think about what would help you cope with your mom's situation so you can be less afraid.
You will be okay, but I want you to feel this way, too.
tahnk for words of encouragement to get through this.🙏