Hi,
I need advise. My MIL moved in 8 months ago due to her financial situation and this has been a bad idea. We are trying to hang in there, but she is very dominating and unclean. If we try to discuss with her, she gets angry and pouts for days. I literally think she hates me!
She doesn't shower often enough and smells...(our house smells horrible!) She will not change diapers often enough so she leaks..We set up a nurse to come help bath, she refused..She has always lived alone for the most part, and she just does things her way...doesn't clean up after herself, helps herself to whatever, never washes her hands (I mean NEVER) and so I am constantly cleaning /disinfecting...She literally licks the tops of everything (like mayo, ketchup jelly) (unless it is hidden) ...rips the tops off everything in the pantry, leaves food out and fusses if I put it away...She shares a bathroom with my teenager boys, she doesn't flush, leaves her diapers in an empty trash can visible and her prep. H sitting on top...so this must be embarrassing when friends come over...(they are troupers and don't complain)...I am at my wits end! I DREAD going home after work. My husband is on the same page with me. We do not know what to do other than just let her invade! HELP!
This will not last, you are giving her too much power, and she will ruin your life, and soon (if not already), it will begin adveresly affecting your children! Your house, Your Rules! Who cares if she hates you, it sounds as if she in a Power Play for Top Status in the home, do Not Allow this to continue!
For the short term, set up very Specific guidelines that she Must Follow, such as a Shower 3 times per week, on a schedule, Enforced! She must keep the bathroom clean at all times, with her toiletries properly stored, and her Soiled Depends disposed of properly, the garbage taken out daily! Tell her you've noticed that her hands are filthy at times, and with kids in the home, you do not want to spread Germs about YOUR home, so wash hands Multiple times per day is a must, as every surface becomes infected! As for licking jars of food items in your kitchen, that is disgusting and either she Stop this behavior at once, or she Will Not be allowed to work independently in your kitchen, end of!
Write out a clear and consice list of household rules that she Must abide by, discuss it, have her sign it, make a copy, and post it in her bedroom too! Make it clear that if she does not follow the rules of Your home, that you will make it necessary for her to live elsewhere, as this is the Only way she will be able to continue to live there For Now, and to be determined, dependent on how she follow the rules. Let her be angry, let her pout, but you must NIP this in the bud, or your lives will become miserable with here being there!
NEVER PROMISE that she will be able to stay Forever. Make it clear that this is a trial basis, and if it becomes necessary for Any reason, that you will help her to find new digs appropriate to her finances. There is help out there for the indigent, and you will research those options, and help her to find those accommodations, whether it due to her health and safely reasons, finances, the health and Happiness of your family, or whatever, but it will be yours and your husband's decision, Always. Never let her come between you and your husband, you Must remain a United Front, or she will Win, Every Time!
If she has health concerns that are not being seen to, demand that she get that help, as it affects the whole family. Again, Your house, Your Rules!
Your Rules! Don't budge, or she will take over your entire life and that of your family! I would get started on finding her alternative housing ASAP! The longer you wait, the harder it will become! Good Luck!
52 is not elderly. What are her medical issues?
equipped to deal with constant disinfecting. You and your family shouldn't
have to deal with that. That's so gross and aggravating. I feel aggravated
just listening to all of that. Must be exhausting. Good luck finding her a place,
it might take some time, but there are increasing options available.
I'm sorry you're having to go through this and I am sorry for my babbling and not offering an answer to you. Every journey is different! , but they all suck and they all end in the same way!!!
Take notes about what is happening, how often, etc. And make sure the doctor reads it before the appointment (hand it to the assistent when you get there). That way they know it is serious. Some people are able to put on a good show for the doctor.
In the meantime you need to seriously investigate other living arrangements. From her behavior it sounds like there may be dementia involved. If finances are an issue, you may want to start the process of applying for medicaid. And try your best for your husband to get durable power of attorney for her.
Good luck!!!