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My husband who is 60 is bedridden and I am his "caregiver". I haven't had sex for 3 years now and it's really bothering me. He doesn't even bring the topic up, try to kiss me, (he could if he wanted), no holding hands, never wants to snuggle (I have asked), nothing. He is okay with it. I'm not. I want more than just kisses and snuggling however don't even get that. What is the healthy spouse to do? Sad, thinking I will never be loved in that way by a man again. I would love to hug a man, kiss, and you know.. I can't be the only one out there in the same situation. .

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Amazing that one of the thing that brought you and DH together....and seemed SO important 40 years ago can become something of the past--as if it never happened.

I, too, have a brother/sister relationship with my DH. 7 years. I'm sad and lonely for affection, even just hand holding would be nice. He's in too much pain all the time for anything...I also suspect impotence, but he will not talk about it. I broached the subject once and he blew up.
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A healthy spouse would probably find a friend with benefits, but not until she talks it over with her husband and lets him know how she's feeling about things. You're asking for affection, which is not sex, and he's unwilling, which seems totally unfair and cold. Being under 60 and expected to live like a nun for life doesn't sound right to me. So I am glad I could say this to you BEFORE the martyrs come along preaching about your marital vows and reminding you the "for better or worse" portion. How about HIS vows? Why does he get to be totally unaffectionate and cold while you have to adhere to vows? Just sayin.
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Janetr Sep 2020
Yes - I totally agree - what about HIS vows. Just to expect her to look after him without any consideration for her - no way. I know he is sick but in my book it does NOT EXCUSE his behaviour. To show no affection or appreciation for how she is feeling - and some people on this site are calling that an acceptable MARRIAGE. Wow - not my idea of marriage......
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I am kind of with lealonnie1, but you know, I am wondering what the problem is at this early age of 60? You say your husband is bedridden. Can you tell me why? Is he suffering from dementia? You say you have discussed this with him. And what does he tell you.
If you really need more from a relationship now then it may be time to get out of this relationship. If your husband were NOT ill, you would not hesitate, if I am right. You describe someone who is not only unable to give SEX, which wouldn't be unusual, but who honestly has no cuddling nor any affection. That makes you an unpaid caregiver.
He is only 60 which makes me ask how young you are. Let me assume you are his same age. You want affection. Are you to be expected to live 2 decades without it.
We all have differing needs. Many are satisfied to be good "companions" and a support to one another. And many are NOT willing to give up a normal life.
Perhaps you are looking at a placement situation, even a divorce. Or are looking at placement and then having really your own life, joining clubs you may enjoy, whatever, where you will share affection.
I think you will have to handle this your way and would support any way you choose.
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I just have to ask how much of this is physical and how much mental?
You say in your profile that your hubby suffers from depression, among other things. Does he also have an anxiety disorder? They often go hand-in-hand. My daughter suffers from anxiety/depression. When she is having an attack, she often doesn't want to be touched, held, hugged, etc. It's almost like she curls up into herself as a defense response. She was much more like that before she was on medication, which, while not perfect, has made a world of difference for her!

Is your husband on medication for the depression? If not, that's the first place I would start with a doctor. Depression can be such a driving factor in every aspect of someone's life, affecting your physical health as well as mental health. And if he is on medication, and it's one of the side effects, there might be help for that, too. Talk to his doctor about all of this. At this point, you really have nothing to lose, as you said you're very young to be looking at a life without physical affection...

Good luck!
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He's bedridden so he must have a debilitating disease? On medication. Some medications decrease sex drive. Perhaps ask his doctor about a change in medication.
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I don’t have an answer, but welcome to the club. You are not the only one. It’s been over 6 years for me. First chemo/radiation then stem cell, then liver failure, now dementia.
I also miss the kind words, affectionate hugs, the smiles.

don’t know which I miss more.
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60 is still very young since you could easily live to your 90’s or 100. You either need a friend with benefits or divorce him and get on with your life. No affection at all? No hugs or kisses? Unless he is laying in bed in a coma, that is unacceptable!! Friends with benefits or a divorce!
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Unitetogether Sep 2020
I know what you mean elaine1962. I think what bothers me the most is, he doesn't even talk to me about sex or closeness. He talks to me like a baby instead, more than talking to me like a man and there is nothing wrong with his brain/mind. I told my daughter and his son, that I want to put him in a nice facility so I can live my life. It made me feel good that they UNDERSTAND.
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The poor husband is, according to the OP's profile, suffering from depression, incontinence and mobility problems. Bit harsh to divorce him on the grounds of his unacceptable "performance," isn't it?

Unite, do you know what's causing these difficulties? And, how were things before he got ill?
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I know of one lady who 'had a friend' (hubby had early onset dementia). Worked very well for her. The DH was not told, as would have caused pain & more confusion.

Another tried for years to discuss her needs, the lack of intimacy & his refusal for councelling (?depression). He eventually said do what you like & after much councelling, eventually she did (friend with benefits). Sadly the fallout broke the marriage.

Way back in history, for those with money, I suppose an attractive Footman, or even an acquaintance's husband was a little distraction - but left the marriage intact. (Or maybe I watch too many BBC period dramas).

But it's not a laughing matter, could increase depression for the OP. Maybe a good councellor to discuss next steps?
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You said he could kiss you if he wanted to, why doesn’t he want to? What are you suppose to do if he never wants to kiss you or hold your hand? It’s been going on for 3 years. When is enough, enough? You say he CAN do these things but that he WONT. I already told you my answer.
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Janetr Sep 2020
I agree with you elaine. I too believe in keeping marriage vows but think he is being quite selfish not thinking about her. Not even kissing or holding her hand or showing some type of appreciation. Doesn't sound like a two way marriage to me. After 3 years .................. I am totally with you.
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Beatty, the rule I heard was that once you'd provided your husband with "an heir and a spare" it wasn't the done thing for anyone to enquire too closely into subsequent children's paternity.

I keep thinking of Mrs Patrick Campbell's (?) description of marriage as "the deep, deep peace of the double bed after the hurly-burly of the chaise longue." But then I'm not sorry to have left the whole undignified palaver behind, and clearly for the OP it is a very different story.

Clearly, too, the OP doesn't just want a rumpus. She wants her *husband* to get back to wanting a rumpus. So shouldn't we be helping her work through what's bothering him?
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Beatty Sep 2020
🤣🤣🤣
Now I'll be looking at all the royal third children in a new way...
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Word of the Day: Palaver

pa·lav·er
/pəˈlavər,pəˈlävər/

INFORMAL
noun
1. 
unnecessarily elaborate or complex procedure.
"there's a lot of palaver involved"
2. 
HISTORICAL
an improvised conference between two groups, typically those without a shared language or culture.


...just in case anyone besides me was wondering.
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Unitetogether Sep 2020
?
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You know, maybe I'm just "old fashioned", but what ever happened to taking our wedding vows seriously. You know, in sickness and health, forsaking all others, until death do us part?

Those that have suggested having someone else on the side, while still married, is just wrong. I believe the Bible calls that adultery. If you can't live without sex, buy yourself a vibrator.

My husband had a massive stroke at the age of 48, one and a half years after we were married, and we were never able to have "sex" after that.(that was 24 1/2 yrs ago) We initially sought treatment, but when nothing worked, we just decided to make the best of it. It was definitely harder on me than him, but over time I got used to it. Thankfully for me though he would still hold my hand, give me hugs when I needed them, and kiss me, even after he became bedridden in 2018.

My husband died this week, Monday, and I am grateful and honored that I was able to uphold the vows we took 26 years ago.

And maybe instead of asking your husband for what you need, you might just have to initiate things and see where it takes you.
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MJ1929 Sep 2020
You are mort definitely not old-fashioned. I feel the same -- one's vows should mean something.

Condolences on the loss of your husband.
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Perhaps try counseling for yourself. Also, try going over to your husband and giving him a hug and a kiss and see what happens. But I would talk to a therapist for yourself.
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I think you have valid concerns. As a woman, and as a human, you have needs also. I empathize with your husband's health decline but I don't see why a woman should give up all her needs because one person is not able to fulfill the marital duties. By him not showing any love in ways you say he could then you really should reevaluate your overall situation. It won't get better I'm afraid to say. I know you love him but how much are you willing to give up? That is the real question here. Love and light.
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Unitetogether Sep 2020
You’re right, thank you for the post. It means a lot.
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I have to ask what you are giving and getting from this marriage. You are working as caregiver to someone who is bed-bound. It seems that you are not getting much affection, as well as no sex and no cuddles. To be honest, it sounds as though financial stability is the only plus.

Your husband may feel very badly about being impotent, but he ought to be open to talk about it. You are already feeling resentful about this, and it won’t improve unless you can work things out between you – he should be willing and able to make you physically happy in bed without full-on sex. His lack of concern for you is at least as important as the sex.

Your marriage really is at risk, and ‘friends with benefits’ are not likely to reduce the risk. It really might be worth looking for a marriage counselor before things get worse. That might help him to talk, and to realise that he has a lot to lose.
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If hubby is bedridden he won’t be able to go to marriage counseling and talk about it. Go by yourself. Do what’s right for you, not what everyone else wants you to do.
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imadaughter17 Sep 2020
There's teletherapy.
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Elaine, you need to chuckle about your views on telling/ not telling OP what she should do. If she wants to work on the marriage, she’ll find a marriage counselor who does house calls.
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elaine1962 Sep 2020
MargaretMcken, your assuming a marriage counselor makes house calls in the USA. Also your assuming a marriage counselor will make house calls during Covid 19. Your also assuming her husband will open up and talk. Her husband won’t talk to her about sex, what makes you think he will talk to a perfect stranger about sex?
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To answer you Elaine (only based on two couples I know) where he 'closed up shop' - both woman eventually took their business elsewhere. Strangely enough, one man reopened for business elsewhere very very quickly & the other had business elsewhere (but hadn't disclosed). Those men had left the relationship, just hadn't said so.

I think that situation is quite different to the OP's situation, due to the health issues. What about stroke, Parkinson's, dementia, cancer, MS - so many awful things that rob us of our health.

I do not know the answer.
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I debated in commenting on this post, but what the heck! In 2001 I had a radical prostatectomy. I chose not to have an implant and prescription drugs didn’t help. So until my wife’s death in 2018, we were celibate. She didn’t look for a surrogate hubby, but I’m sure she missed the intimacy. When she developed AD, I didn’t look for another relationship (platonic, of course). Hugs, kisses, holding hands and snuggling reflected our love for each other. Even in her final stages I knew my love was important to her. I lost her after 52 years of marriage and it’s those simple signs of affection that I miss dearly. I’m sorry your husband is so devoid of affection. I’m not giving you any advice, just relating a story.

Symptoms of depression for men can be loss of interest in sex, fatigue, apathy. Men tend to be withdrawn and irritable. If he’s on anti-depressants, those, too, can have similar consequences. Men tend to deny having problems because they are supposed to be strong. Most men don’t admit to sexual problems. Your husband might be embarrassed by his nonperformance so just denies any problems. It’s not a subject men were taught to express. For men, depression is a stigma that degrades their manhood. I’m not defending your husband’s lack of intimacy, I don’t know him, nor do I agree with him not showing you any affection.  So you decide, but “friends with benefits”, in my mind, is a “pseudo” divorce. Satisfying one’s libido may result in feelings of guilt and regret.

So get some counseling and then decide. It’s tough. I wish you well.
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Mrsrubee Sep 2020
I am so sorry for your loss. You clearly loved your wife dearly despite the challenges dementia brings. But your explanation of many, if not most men’s, reaction to depression/anxiety/physical problems struck a nerve with me. Your description is spot on, but it’s also terribly unfair to women who typically do the lion’s share of the work in maintaining emotional stability in relationships. My husband suffered from anxiety, depression and impotence several times over the years. Of course, he REFUSED to seek help because “I can handle it.” Well, he wasn’t handling it and it shrunk my world as well as his. I understand how these problems work - It’s impossible to think of anyone else’s feelings or needs when your mind is consumed with worry over stupid s***. And all that stewing over nothing leads to depression. Vicious circle ensues. And I know that the person with the problem is often the last one to see it. I don’t know how we get there, but men have GOT to get over thinking that getting help is unmanly and, even more importantly, we’ve got to stop asking women to be understanding of this BS. Anxiety and/or depression doesn’t just hurt the one whose got it. It sucks the life out of the whole household. OP’s husband has made it pretty clear he is unable or unwilling to think of her needs. No sex is one thing but no affection is a bridge too far.

My husband now he has dementia and doesn’t worry about anything. He’s the happiest guy around while I’m drowning in responsibilities and frustration at all the repetitive questions/stories and idiotic conversations. He can’t help the way he is now, but he certainly didn’t need to waste the 10-15 years before he got dementia because his ego was too fragile to admit he needed help.
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Something someone has not mentioned here.
How was your marriage before your husband became bedridden?
I was in an a physical, verbal and emotional abusive situation from my husband for 40 years. Then he wondered why I wasn't interested in sex! I have a narcisstic friend who is now a caregiver to her husband. All she does is complain to him and about what she has to do to care for him, while she gets nothing out of it. No wonder he doesn't want sex!!
It's not always the person's fault who doesn't want sex. Don't know your situation but am just saying....
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I agree depression could be his cause. Also, blood pressure medication can cause problems. For men, not being able to perform is #1. A "cuddle" might satisfy you but it may make him feel bad because he can't do his thing.

So sorry. My DH and I have been dealing with prostrate problems for years. It took him 3 yrs to finally do something about it.
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Let's face it, lots and lots of people are trying to survive in loveless marriages, for multiple reasons...kids, financial, fear of change... and with and without spousal caretaking responsibilities. It comes down to whether or not you are willing to continue with this present situation. Be strong and courageous with your decisions, and take care of yourself first. DIVORCE is there for us for a reason. Difficult as it is for anyone to do, sometimes it really is the only option.
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PatienceSD Sep 2020
theres a difference between a loveless and a sexless marriage. She obviously loves her husband. How miserable would she be if she divorced the man she loves.
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You are not alone. I am 50 and I have not had intimacy with my husband for 5 yrs. He has Alz and cannot perform anymore. But I love him and decide to stay celibate. That’s my personal decision, not trying to tell you anything. Driving me nuts, though.
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Unitetogether Sep 2020
Women's Right To Choose.


Your right, it's up to you to make that decision, it being your life.


Take care,
Unite
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Wow.
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I see all kinds of answers on here... Please reread that he is bedridden !! Imagine how HE must feel not being able to do anything like he used to.. bedridden means he has to to depend on someone to do most everything for him.
He probably has some depression, and feels more like a patient then a husband at this point...
I doubt there is much you can do at this point, either accept the facts or look for affection outside , but I bet you would feel guilty if you did that..
Good luck either way....
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Get a companion.
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Hire a caregiver for 8 hours and get out of the house. If you can't afford 8 hours, do it for 4.

Find a man to have sex with. A younger man would be great.
Think of me what you will.. skin hunger is real and exists.
Your husband is too sick to respond.
You are his CG now and he doesn't thinl that way anymore.
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cetude Sep 2020
Yeah, also catch a sexually transmitted disease and end up in Divorce court. Yeah, great advice.
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Do you think the fact that your husband is bedridden might be causing him to feel repulsed with himself as well as inadequate "as a man" and that he can't imagine that you would really want a physical relationship with him?

What is your husband's life expectancy? Maybe you are too young to rule out ever being loved that way by a man again. I've had the joy of seeing a number of friends get a second chance at love after their spouse had died.
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Unite Together

I feel your pain❤️ I can’t speak wholeheartedly to how a man thinks but I can say I empathize. I think in a mans mind if they can’t perform they feel so guilty that they just do nothing. I have been where you are and it’s sad and maddening. It’s like they think if they can’t give you a steak dinner you don’t want the crumbs...we are starving for crying out loud, give us crumbs!

I cried out that statement for some time but it didn’t seem to register or registered and the guilt of not being able preform like he wanted to was too much.

If you haven’t talk with him. I would also suggest telling him how much you love and desire him.

Compliment him, tell him he’s sexy, initiate intimacy. Lay a big fat sloppy kiss on him and see how he reacts. Sit and hold his hand and tell him how good it feels.

A person who is wholly dependent upon another and dealing with issues that make them feel like only a shell of a man (not my words but husbands) really has trouble getting past it.

I am so sorry. Being in a sexless marriage is so hard and I know the struggle. I grieve that loss quite often and I know it can be consuming. You clearly love your husband and I am so sorry for your struggle.

If you don’t have a counselor May I suggest getting one for yourself. Also, masturbation is thought of as taboo to talk about but you have needs and that may be one way to meet a need partially.

God bless you and sustain you through this❤️
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CrushedLove18 Sep 2020
I agree. It is a difficult situation and I understand. I am glad to see some sympathetic words for her. ❤️
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