No more sex ever for me??

Did you not marry for better or worse...sickness and in health? You could cheat and betray him, which would make you an immoral person and you could end up with a sexually transmitted disease. You can even catch gonorrhea and syphilis, and you can also end up divorced and losing his disability check. Most men are unemployed these days and will want you to support them and their kids. You are probably around his age, and most guys want to use older women.

I've been married for years and we never have sex. Does not matter. I married for love and I won't cheat on him. Besides he's financial security so I have no interest in anybody else. I make my own money, but if I lose my job I won't have to worry. I would never divorced him. I'm very happy with my marriage.

I'm not sure why I'm posting this for you (my father died last year so I'm not caregiving anymore). I find people complaining about lack of love, hugs, kiss, sex, etc. so ridiculous. I'm 48 years old and ugly, and I have never even been asked on a date. I will die without EVER having received a romantic kiss or sex. So, you do NOT need it! My late mother couldn't live without it though when she was married to my father (they never divorced) who didn't want it so she had multiple affairs, a miscarriage from one of those men, herpes, etc. There is not a man on this planet who would choose being with me over death. So, consider yourself lucky that you used to have love.

I feel your pain! My husband was unable to have sex with me for a long time before he died. But he did enjoy being with me while I used my vibrator. Your husband may enjoy your getting that satisfaction while you are together. I am 19 months away from his death and met someone online that is very interested in sex. I'm 68 and he's 69. Your husband may be afraid that if you are affectionate, it may be upsetting to one of you. Have you offered to manipulate and give him pleasure. Not judging, just know how discouraging it is to be in your shoes. Don't give up hope. Talk to him about your desires. He may be ashamed of his situation and avoiding the whole scenario. He may feel undesirable.

Unitetogether:

You say in your post that, "I want more than just kisses and snuggling however don't even get that."

Perhaps your husband is not offering kisses and snuggles because he senses that it is not enough for you, and he does not want to tease you into thinking sexual activity will follow.

By your own words you admit the kisses, hugs, and snuggles will NOT be enough. I am quite certain any reasonably intelligent human can pick up on that feeling emanating from you.

I agree with those who asked what about honoring marital vows? The phrase, "in sickness and in health" was put in the vows for a reason.

Also, reverse the rolls in your mind. How would you feel if you were seriously ill, and your husband found someone else to engage with sexually?

I am quite certain you would be more than heartbroken, you would feel even more worthless than the worthless feeling of being bedridden and seriously ill.

If you google it you will see that milennials are actually having less sex, not more.

Why?

Fear of STDs, preferring masturbation to the complications of a relationship with someone just for sex.

Perhaps if you assured your husband that you were actually interested in only hugs and snuggles to satisfy your "skin hunger" than perhaps he would be more inclined to engage.

So based on the milennials lack of interest in sex, despite raging hormones, people can and do live without engaging in sex with another person.

The world is a sad place, these days, IMO. Everyone is so "me" focused.

An affair will expose you to STDs and heartbreak, and if the other man is married, too, the affair may put your life in danger.

Many men may be interested in having an affair with you.

However, IMO, few good single men will be interested in a serious relationship with someone who is married to a sick man and his cheating on him.

I believe that for most people including myself , normal healthy sexual hunger does not diminish with age. We can, with God's help, do without sex without suffering, however. I have tried hard for more than 40 years to find a good and Godly Christian man to marry.I have remained single, celibate, and happy. Sexual orgasm is natural and wonderful. it is not necessary to a happy life.With God's help, we can live happy productive lives without it.Some are trapped in a situation without sexual satisfaction. Some, like myself, choose celibacy rather than marriage with someone not compatible.May God comfort , bless , and protect us all especially caregivers.Caregiving must be incredibly difficult. Love to all

The reply to your complaints is wise in pointing out to you that you should lovingly encourage your ill husband to engage in sexually motivated intimacies without the necessity of his performing as he once did.It is very possible you could work out a very inyimate sexual relationship that would satisy you both. Please try for that. please encourage him in a truly affectionate and undemanding way.Also, note that God in his Holy Word very repeatedly nd in very detailed specific ways condems all sexual activity of which he dissaproves. he never condems masturbation.Obviously, a frequent and obsessive such practice might be selfish and or wrong. However, in certain situations and for unselfish reasons, it seems right. If God strictly forbids it, he would have made that very clear in the Bible. Love to all and especially to caregivers.

This is a very difficult problem.

From what you said in your lead off post, it sounds to me that hubby has a sound mind, despite depression.

Perhaps if you sit close to him and take his hand in yours and tell him yet again about your keenly-felt need for affection, he might be willing to allow you to snuggle with him every morning after breakfast and also at night before bed. (You could initiate the physical affection if he is willing to participate. Of course, he may not be willing to engage in it some days.)

If you have a fairly good singing voice you could play some nice romantic music and sing along. Songs such as "Someone to watch over me" come to mind.

You might also want to talk about good times had in the past with family and friends, as for that special vacation to "Vermont" in the eighties or some other specific place that was "slap" wonderful,

If he responds or not, I would not suggest talking about you maybe having a friend on the side, even if only for platonic companionship. Not knowing more about your situation than what you said, it is my opinion that, whatever you do, it would be cruel to divorce him, as some responders have suggested.

With or without telling him about a possible outside friend, having such a friend would constitute abandoning your marriage vows. Having said that, I do not believe in "situational" ethics. I also do not say that judgmentally.

But the world tugs one way, and heaven tugs another. The bible says the Lord directs our steps, and if that is so, then to act out based on our own thinking is not (in my opinion) the proper way to live.

In my own case, my wife of 61 years had a massive stroke in 2005 and I cared for her at home for two years, with two breaks weekly for four hours each day. Following that, she was in the nursing home for ten more years before she passed away in 2017. I was at her bedside for breakfast and for lunch every single day. I also hired nice ladies to be with her from 4 to 6 PM daily to help her eat and to provide companionship. (Her symptoms included having no ability to speak except yes and no; being paralyzed on the right side of her body; and that was her dominant side, having severe dizziness during all waking moments; having a number of superficial skin cancer lesions; experiencing 24 or so Urinary Tract Infections over the ten years of residence in the nursing home; and more ailments more minor in nature...) She could not stand up.

Through all of those symptoms, she remained extremely cheerful. Those 12 years of caregiving on my part were the most rewarding of my life. Every day I would tease her about "flirting" with the men who went by her doorway on wheelchairs, and I'd say things like "if it weren't for our terrific sex life, I would stop coming to see you." She would laugh hilariously when I'd say things like that. Of course there was no sex at all. However, I did give her squeezies.

At breakfast and lunch, I'd put food on a fork or spoon and move it toward her mouth and when I'd get close and she opened her mouth to receive it, I would pull it back and she'd get a good laugh. Sometimes I would sing her a love song or a hymn.

We had been high school sweethearts and married at age 19. She bore us four nice kids.

So it was very satisfying to be her loyal caregiver.. I will not comment on whether I was totally faithful or not, but I was definitely loyal.

May God provide you with peace of mind as you face each new day with courage and innovative thinking and acting.

Grace + Peace,

Old Bob

Considering he is bedridden he may have some other things on his mind... you think? No one wants to have sex if they don’t feel sexy... does he feel sexy, you think? Don't give up on him... ask him for hugs and compliment him... give him confidence and it may happen... in the interim invest in toys :) sickness and in health... we say it for a reason. Dont be like the stereotypical man and find sex somewhere else because you are losing patience... we are better than that. It’s all about integrity in this life... and if you need it that badly... leave him and spare him more humiliation unless he agrees to you finding it somewhere else.

Girlfriend My husband has been dead for years now Go to Walmart and buy yourself a LONG HANDLED massager.
I got one call it BOB 👉MY BATTERY OPERATED BOYFRIEND. Satisfy yourself and go about your day. My only worrie Doors locked would be the kids finding me dead with BOB🤣.Emotionally you don’t need anyone else complicating your life now but you need to be complete in self. The relief from the back massager will do you good. Have fun smile again.
use it on hubby’s legs.

It’s very hard to lose that kind of relationship. I as well understand what you are going through. It’s not about till death do us part or that your husband is bedridden. I feel the same way. After 48 years of marriage that intimacy is gone. I am his caregiver. It breaks my heart that this disease doesn’t allow him to be physically close to me. I’ve tried to rub his arm or get close but he says please stop. It doesn’t matter his reason for this and it’s not about him it’s about our feelings. Of course I’m taking care of him every way that I can but it’s just another sign that our life has changed dramatically I don’t really know the answer I guess it’s just another thing that we can’t share and so I also feel alone in that respect.

Dear "Unitetogether" and everyone commenting,

Please don't forget one important fact in all of this as well as any other question asked on the forum - we don't know "the other side," meaning her husband - we don't know what goes on and doesn't go on behind closed doors. I find it somewhat dangerous to tell her to find someone else. "Heather10's" comments were excellent points to ponder before ever actually running from what may be considered "one frying pan into another." She could easily find herself in a whole other heap of problems.

Remember the "Joey Buttafuoco" situation? Growing up my neighbor's oldest son met up with a woman in this situation and when he found out and told her no more, she went to his house while he was away and destroyed everything with a baseball bat; the "Christopher Watts" story. I know none of those examples are exactly like this situation but, it's more about what the consequences can be and sometimes even deadly ones at that.

We hired a pool service for my mom's pool back in 2014. He had a wife and two kids and yet he had married women after him all the time. At our house we hired a pest control service and the guy for whatever reason decided to tell me all about some of the crazy stuff married women would do when he would go to their homes (I just nodded, smiled and told him point blank that won't be coming from me - I actually called and cancelled the service as I found it odd he really wanted to tell me all that). I can tell you from one of the experiences he shared, it had to do with the woman "needing" validation of her "new pair..." - which oftentimes stems from insecurity. You have to be comfortable in your own skin.

I've been watching a YouTube channel called "Better Bachelor" just to see what things are like out there in todays world from a man's perspective. It's downright crazy and I'm so thankful, I'm not out there (I'm married 23 years next month - first marriage for both of us). My husband and I trust each other implicitly and I don't need external validation from other men and there have been many times when my husband prior to COVID traveled.

One of my thoughts, is the fact we all have different communication styles that we may respond to better than others. If a man feels nagged, he stops listening. Does he like the written word? If so, you could write him a note/letter with your concerns and he could read it whenever he wants as well as have the ability to reread it if he should want to. What about pictures being that men are visual -maybe cut out some pictures of a couple holding hands, a couple kissing, a couple holding one another? Just a thought!

I hope there is a way for the two of you to gain some common ground but, like I said I don't have all the nuances of your situation. Best wishes to you both!

It's a tough thing in life, to be sure. My best wishes to you as you struggle with the issue. Might he want to watch as you use a vibrator in self pleasure and that might lead to a more active role for him, whatever he can manage? Music would add to the atmosphere.

Sex is seriously overrated. I'm in my 30s and am focused on building a business and my career and caregiving for my mother who has Alzheimers and I dont miss sex at all. What I do miss however, is someone hugging me, kissing me, telling me I'm beautiful and companionship through the day. I would focus on those other things and think you likely will be far more satisfied appreciating those things. Also there are zero men that have been better in bed than my vibrator haha. Just being honest here. And even if your husband can't perform down below, maybe he will still be interested in playing with toys with you?

I can understand sex is more important to some than others and maybe he was an amazing lover and the thought of missing that seems hard for you, but we ALL age and come to a point where we can't (or shouldn't) have sex anymore. And we hope our partners will love us enough to be creative and find new ways to love each other to replace that kind of intimacy or apprexiate what you have (which is so much! I envy your beautiful relationship and hope I am as lucky to find that one day). Hope this helps.

I'm not a caregiver to a spouse, Unite, but I am the spouse of a caregiver. And perhaps I have some words for you that you find helpful.

My husband is the DPOA for his dad and, before she died, for his mother too. We moved to be closer to my inlaws and helped care for them. For many years, I helped them to remain living in their home while my husband handled their business affairs. I won't go into the details, but know that it took a toll on each of us, on our sex life and on our marriage. But there was still a lot of affection and laughter between us even during times when sex was the last thing one or both of us wanted. Caregiving sucks the life out of people. I'm sorry that you are going through this.

That said, your husband may live another 20+ years. And I agree with those who ask "What about HIS marriage vows to you?" That he is unwilling to show you any affection or talk to you like an adult is a big red flag.

"...I think what bothers me the most is, he doesn't even talk to me about sex or closeness. He talks to me like a baby instead, more than talking to me like a man and there is nothing wrong with his brain/mind..."

Baby talk - that is not depression! It is a defense mechanism called regression. I found this in a medical journal for you: "...Regression in adults can arise at any age; it entails retreating to an earlier developmental stage (emotionally, socially, or behaviorally). Insecurity, fear, and anger can cause an adult to regress. In essence, individuals revert to a point in their development when they felt safer and when stress was nonexistent, or when an all-powerful parent or another adult would have rescued them..." You cannot rescue your husband. He would have to be willing to see a psychiatrist and enter therapy.

Meanwhile, what about you? In my opinion, you have every right to give your husband a clear message: "Seek therapy or I cannot continue in our loveless marriage." Hand him his phone and a list of psychiatrists who do phone sessions. Give him a realistic due date - 2-3 weeks should be plenty of time - for him to call one and make an appointment, followed of course by weekly therapy. Once he's in weekly therapy, give the therapy some time to work, maybe 3 months or so. If he refuses to enter therapy, you have to make the decision for the both of you about the future of your marriage.

Keep in mind that those who spew the "marriage is a holy sacrament...for better or worse" stuff, please consider several things when weighing their advice to you:
1. Marriage is a *partnership* of the whole of life.
2. Marriage is about **reciprocated** service to the spouse.
3. Marriage is making a commitment every morning to ***love*** your spouse.

Marriage is both love and work. If your spouse does not love you, shows you no love, works not on your marriage, then you do not have a marriage. When your spouse abandons you emotionally (no more love or reciprocation) and/or physically (cheating), then you no longer have a marriage. Clearly you feel that you are worthy of true love, which is why I think you are struggling with staying in a loveless marriage. I hope you will keep us posted on your progress. Peace and blessings, NYDIL

have an affair or stay lonely.

hey..

this is hard because I understand ur husband is bedridden..have u guys talked about it as to y he doesn’t want sex? Maybe he felt like he’s not confident enough to give u the pleasure u need?

not encouraging this but some couples do agree to open marriages to seek comfort from others while still staying married. Maybe this is something that u guys can discuss as well if he’s not willing to have intercourse with u.

I think there are still professional cuddlers out there you can hire, just cuddling, no sex.

CBD oil (500 mg ones) may help.
I, at 56, have NO sex drive normally, but one hit of pot changes all of that, and my body goes into sensual, passion mode. Also, my senses are heightened, and touch, kissing, and sex feels so much more gratifying. I feel a much deeper and intensely satisfying love connection with my husband. Once a week, one hit of pot keeps us both excited!

If your husband refuses to try it, buy the capsules, pin prick one, and put ONE tiny drop in his food. (Some may think that's underhanded, but it may substantially help both of your qualities of life--and worth a try for a week or two.) Perhaps discuss this with a medical marijuana physician.

yes sexual drive can be satisfied in other ways HOWEVER..the need for connection, for human touch ..that is much more complicated
experiments with primates have shown that when presented with a choice of an apparatus with food and one that was warm and satisfied their physical affection , monkeys would choose to seek the cuddles rather and go hungry. And in humans that also extends to our mental and emotional well being.

My parents whose marriage lasted over sixty years , until one passed years ago, were always affectionate to the end. In my case, although ,according to him anyway, he always loved me, I became less and less of a priority with him . His job, his parents, friends,our children ..took all his time . Finally , at one point , I directly confronted him ...after many partial attempts to engage. I totally bared my soul , not easy for me. And he promised to change his ways ...then went back to his old ways almost immediately. Our marriage had been one of best friends and absolute trust. Business trips and opposite sex friends had never mattered. I had several really good male friends. Actually , probably more guy friends than female ...just found them more accepting and not as many issues ever. Some , yes, had some underlying attraction . I even started a kind of sexting with one ...but not physical. This has led to estrangement and loss of our friendship eventually. With another , we did begin to depend on each other more and more for closeness and emotional intimacy. This was long after my talk with hubs. And eventually we kissed and led to making out on another occasion. That was all...but yeah a betrayal. Hubs invaded my privacy and we fought . He thought it was much more involved and would never believe me. All trust was lost between us. I was going to leave but , finances , ugh. And my kids ..grown but still. Hubs said let’s try and I did. Went to therapy ..which he felt I needed so it was only me . Reached point where my therapist said we needed to both do it ..perhaps even both separately and together. He refused. I talked very occasionally with friend. He wanted me to leave...I was torn. Now ...I wish , so much, that I had. I have all I need ..safe and secure ..but . No love ..no physical connection...some companionship but I think we both are too bitter to really be best friends again.
And my friend? Has married now ...we don’t have contact so I lost that friendship too.
What have I learned? That I should take my own advice, given long ago to a friend. When love is lost, but also gained. Finish one relationship so that you can begin the next with open arms, mind and heart. So, once I had tried and failed to reconnect with husband ..I should have recognized utter failure and that I could not stay any longer. I should have embraced what was right in front of me..and not shut that door. This is the regret of my life now. And , yeah, I am staying here now. I don’t know if forever but .
.I have my kids and grands...I do love them, and maybe that’s enough?.
I care about hubs but no love or desire at all . On surface we look good , but it’s empty...my heart is empty. I don’t want to even try to find anything else and risk heartbreak again.
So ...be up front ...find some articles for your husband about these subjects, tell him you both need therapy..individual and joint, and if he won’t even try, then decide for yourself , whether you want more of the same and to be his mommy or if you want to try and have a full life of your own.

Dear Unitetogether,
I am writing from the patient's point of view. I was diagnosed with Early Onset ALZ a little more than four years ago at the age of 57. I am a year older than you are. I initiated a discussion on this very topic with my DW who is 8 yrs younger than me, probably a year after I was diagnosed. I told her that I did not want her spending the rest of her life on her own, and that when the time came that I am institutionalized, to put me in a place 100 miles away from where we live, so that she won't feel like she and our children have to visit me everyday. has to be visiting me everyday. I also told her if she wanted to date another man, go ahead and build a future life for yourself. I also told our adult children, if mom wants to see somebody or remarry after I've died, don't give her any trouble. Life is for the living.
Come next year we'll have been together dating and married, 27 years. My DW is an exceptional cook and baker, and we've done a lot of that together over the years. We also shared a lot of dreams realized by our travels, over these years. I believe she'd make a good wife and will have a lot to offer another husband.
Perhaps you could start a conversation with your husband asking what he thinks you should do in the future? I started our discussion with, I'd like to discuss your future when I am no longer able to share a life with you? She had answers for me. My DW and I have practiced our faith together ever since the day we had our first date. We've been faithful to each other, never had a fight, and know we've been the great love of each others life, but the time will come when we will no longer both be alive and that my DW needs to be able to go forward and build a new life with another man that she can enjoy time with.
We do tell each other I love you, several times a day, we'll watch TV at night in bed and hold hands and when we part ways for the day, give each other a kiss. My hope is that your DH will give you the answers you need for continuing on in your life.
I also encourage, others reading this message have you and your DH or DW had a conversation like I have described. This is a tough conversation to start, but you may find it is something the other of you has thought about but never put in to words. I hope this is helpful.

Have not read all 50+ answers perhaps this was covered. If you can stand to lose everything-house, savings, car, valuables-then do what you want. Divorce can happen at any time to any one. It is always painful, ruthless and devastating.

We have all seen this posted on here before off and on. Some say have sex outside of marriage. Some say try to play around some without the actual sex and some say just learn to live with it. It is all the same answers but just to the different poster. Hope you find your way to happiness and whatever you can live with in your own conscience. The first place to start is asking your husband about himself and if he has “needs” and take it from there. If he can’t do anything, then accept it or do what you can live with. If you are in a loveless marriage, that would clear things up considerably. But, if you love each other and still want to give a hug and hold hands, then find out if that works. Does he tell you he loves you???

Maybe the meds he's on is making him not miss the sex.

You should talk to him about it and tell him how you miss him.
Try giving him a massage.

Maybe he feels embarrassed.

Tall to his Dr about it and see if it's more in his head and nothing medical.

It isn't fair to you for him not to show any intimacy.

You really should have brought it up before 3 yrs.

The original post appears to ask if there are others caregiving for spouses whose health has declined so that physical intimacy is not possible/desired, leading to years without sex despite the healthy partners continuing desire. The overwhelming dominant answer to that question is yes. The spouse continues to care, without any sex, for years, decades, doesnt cheat, divorce, or hire escort service, etc. , or, even mention that to close friends. There are a small minority of cases with a different outcome, e.g. Newt Gingrich divorced his terminally ill with cancer wife, married someone else, and got reelected. Probably without much joint assets, as courts would not look favorably on this type of thing. The lack of affection is not very relevant bcz that can be attributed to the illness. The bedridden husband, for example, may have chronic pain, and "OK with it", as the OP termed it, is the best he can express in this state. All that said, the OP should try to arrange a second caregiver so she is not doing this 7 days a week...I think 5 days at most, to avoid burnout...with at least 2 additional weeks off per year away from caregiving responsibility.

[My comment got posted twice, but apparently one can't entirely remove the duplicate--I wish this were possible.]

Of course I can't know the entire situation, but I think if I were in the husband's situation, I would use whatever ability I still had left with whatever part of the body that still functioned (hand, mouth, etc.) to try to give pleasure to a wife (I don't have one, so maybe I'd appreciate the opportunity more than men who always have it.)

Dear "Unitetogether,"

As I reread your post, it just seems like something is "amiss." Could there be anything that has happened or been said that would cause a grudge that he can't get past? I know there are some people who can't get past certain things and they will withhold any and all types of affection because of it. Just a thought. He definitely holds "the key" to all of the mystery and confusion surrounding this.

I didn’t read through all the answers but I’m in a similar situation, just 10 years older. Do you have children? Grandchildren? If so, my answer is stay with your husband and do what you need to without leaving him, and be discreet. Your children may never have respect for you or may not even forgive you. Your grandchildren will learn that “in sickness and in health” is meaningless. Again, whatever you decide, be discreet.

Jfbct, what a thoughtful, selfless and loving answer you gave!!! You are spot on with your answer!

I would do four things. First, talk with the doctor for "medical" help. Second, talk with your husband openly and honestly and listen and ask questions - his answers will help steer you in the right direction. Third, "take care of yourself" and don't ever tell anyone what you do privately - none of their business, ever. Fourth, if all is doomed and there is absolutely no hope, consider the pro's/con's of finding an outside anonymous partner who won't talk. There are many, many people out there and there are solutions but you have to think and then seek the goal that will work best.