Unitetogether Asked September 2020
No more sex ever for me??
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I'm shocked at attitude on here . Go see your dr , maybe they can calm UR hormones ... GEEZ ...
I feel you have deep feelings for him, love him as you always have but things have changed and has caused you to question the situation. I bet anyone would have concerns if they were in your shoes.
Who knows what the answer to this is? I don’t think anyone has the right to judge you for your thoughts on this matter.
It’s extremely personal and I think you are brave to be open enough to bring it to this forum to be discussed. Others have brought up this subject and it’s always been a controversial topic to say the least.
Only you can decide what is right for you. I understand that you would like feedback and whatever decision you come to I hope somehow you are able to find peace in your life.
I don’t think any of us could imagine how you feel unless they have been where you are.
Best wishes to you.
By the way, as most of you already know, I am happily married and I wouldn’t trade him for the world.
As I said earlier, this topic is VERY controversial. I just thought I would lighten the mood a bit. In no way do I mean to offend the OP or anyone else for that matter.
Lots of interesting feedback as usual when this subject hits the forum!
Yes, I didn't think I was the only one. My husband would never talk to a therapist, he doesn't want to talk to me! I thank you for your post . Glad I am here on Agingcare.
You bring up an excellent point about him trying to wrap his head around the "cards he's been dealt" at such a young age. And, I believe "Unite..." is trying to do exactly the same thing with the "cards she's been dealt" and what the two of them as a married couple have been dealt.
It's human nature for all of us to want to be loved, cared for and/or desired.
Heck, we all have the desire just to be liked!
The fact that she even wants to have the normal type of intimacy (like she may have had prior to this becoming an issue) while being his caregiver tells us a lot! She's desperately trying to find an answer "within" her own marriage to get what she's seeking.
I commend you for expressing such personal thoughts and feelings to a forum of strangers. I'm sure you must be overwhelmed by the avalanche of advice/suggestions you've received.
Also, I just wanted to validate your feelings (and I don't mean you need "my" personal validation - just generally speaking) so they are acknowledged for what they are - not adding to or taking away from what your post says. You are consumed by the fact you think you will "never" be loved in that way by a man ever again which only exacerbates those strong feelings.
First, you've admitted that not having sex for 3 years "IS" bothering you. Second, you've said he won't or can't bring the topic up, try to kiss you, hold hands or snuggle. You say you've "asked" and get no response. And now that brings us down to the fork in the road - he going to the left with his being "okay" with it and you going to the right with your "not being okay" with it.
I feel your desperation trying to "figure" it all out to the point where you can't see the forest for the trees. I keep being haunted by what "Heather10" mentioned - that being, if he's feeling so much pressure from you that he may feel anything he does won't be "enough" leaving him with "anxiety performance" issues. Have you tried the opposite approach? Not saying anything, not making advances, kind of just going about your day in a nonchalant way and see what he does/doesn't do? Has he been generally quiet in the past about any type of issues/problems because if so, then it would be how he responds normally and even more so in this situation (I'm not asking for these answers to your personal life, I'm just saying things to ask yourself). Does he have an "avoidant attachment" style? If he does, the number one thing they say not to do is - chase them.
I briefly went through this when I was a caregiver for my dad in my parent's home six days a week until he died (I was 41 at the time). My husband was the one who wanted to be intimate one week later. I couldn't - I was in such shock and grief and "NUMB." I know he felt what you felt, after all rejection is rejection no matter what form it comes in. I did tell him "why" though and he was very patient and understanding as it was my first death as well. I retreated into myself as that was the only way I could process some of the grief. I needed some space to wrap my mind around what just happened because it was life altering. So in my situation, at some point, I told him I needed to take things slow and offered to just take a bath together with some soft music and candles and he was fine with that idea.
All in all, I think a professional counselor is needed but, no you are not alone - it may be that it's just not often talked about as other things are within the caregiving realm. Wishing you both well as you continue to find a way to work this out!
I took care of my mother. I was her company and caregiver until the end. I am proud of that.
I am in no position to judge anybody who has been married, but as the other forum participants are saying, if you are married, you are married for a reason. You have vows and God committed you to each other.
Do not be selfish. Your Husband is sick and bedridden!! That is hard enough.
As for you... my suggestion is to give it to the Lord, take up your cross and rejoice in remembering it is for your soul and the Lord. This shall pass. Remember that. Then......you will have no regrets and no guilt. Love your husband unconditionally until the end. Whatever the way. Leave your personal desires aside for a little bit.
The Lord be with you.
I am sure you have seen answers from both sides of the fence. Some say..Suck it up kid, this is the way it is going to be if you are going to honor your vows....
Some say...you are young there is nothing wrong in finding someone to fulfill the wants, needs, desires that you (we all want and need)..
So with all this advice you are firmly sitting on the edge of the fence. Teeter one way and one camp is going to find fault, teeter the other way and the other camp will find fault.
As you can see this is a no win situation for everyone but you.
You do what you feel is right for you at the time. Do not let anyone else make you feel guilty and for that reason I suggest that you discuss this with no one (other than your doctor) No one can "make" you feel guilty that is an emotion that comes from within.
It’s good to hear various sides of an issue. We can read these posts with an objective view. Not everything is meant as a personal attack on someone’s character.
This sort of thing happens in group therapy but there is a leader monitoring what and how something is said which helps. It can get sticky without a person in charge leading the group.
There will always be different opinions which is actually helpful. We can learn from each other. We see what will or will not work in our situation.
These discussions can become controversial but we can still have respect for one another’s opinions, regardless if we don’t all agree on how it should be handled.
If lines are inadvertently crossed in a conversation we have the opportunity to apologize and move on. You haven’t crossed any lines where an apology is in order. Anyone that is offended after an apology is made has a responsibility to move forward as well.
For the record I can see how you came to this conclusion. Our personal experiences contribute in the process of forming our thoughts on particular subjects.
Years ago people stayed in rotten marriages because it simply wasn’t acceptable to divorce but even then people made their own personal changes in the relationship. For instance my husband’s grandmother was a mean woman.
There isn’t any other way to describe her. If her husband tried to show any affection she would shun him. I saw this many times over the years.
He would try to put his arm around her and she would slap it off. If he went to kiss her she turned her head and he got a cold cheek.
So, naturally he finally gave up. They slept in separate bedrooms for decades. In other words, they lived together separately. He died a broken man which broke my heart because he was so sweet.
Everyone loved him. No one thought much of her. All she did was demoralize him in front of everyone. She criticized everyone. She had no friends. He had many friends.
My mother in law took after her dad. She was kind. She was an only child. The joke was that her mom came home from a party tipsy and that is how their daughter was conceived.
My mother in law would cry in her room as a child wishing they would get a divorce so her father could be happy. As an adult she prayed that her mom would die first so he could live happily for a few years. He died first.
He worked until his late 70’s to escape her cruelty. He took the streetcar to his office every single day. My mother in law was devastated.
Fortunately, they had plenty of money. She refused to leave her big house uptown so they hired two live in caregivers. God bless those caregivers! They were angels to put up with her crap.
She still had her housekeeper coming three days a week that were ordered to polish the silver and wash the crystal every week! She was a hateful woman.
Thank God. nowadays couples go to counseling and sometimes they are able to reconcile. If not they can divorce and end the misery. It is acceptable to divorce without the stigma it once held.
Same with the OP’s case. Some people see it as an evolutionary change in our society. Others cannot wrap their heads around it and therefore choose not to accept a person wanting a possible relationship with another person to feel the human touch again. To each his/her own.
I often think of John Lennon’s song, Imagine. Some think he was an atheist because of the lines,
Imagine there’s no heaven
It’s easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people living for today
He wasn’t an atheist. He was spiritual, just not in a traditional sense. He was a searcher, a deep thinker, a philosopher of sorts. He was being honest about his feelings and simply asking the world to Imagine along with him. He didn’t like that religion was being used to hurt and control others.
I admire John Lennon also. Good man. He didn't like what religion was doing, controlling. But was spiritual . Your husbands grandfather should have got OUT of that unhealthy marriage I feel. I know, times were different, but damm.. A good guy that gets treated like S. How life can be.
I would like to send you a message. If you are ok with it, can you send me a private message with contact info? Thank you so much.
I could write a journal on how he became bedridden. No time for that being a "caregiver". lol He doesn't have control of his legs anymore, and is able to make his own decisions. I like someone said (I forgot who) said "for better or nurse".. I'm doing okay.
Unite
Stephen Hawking had a strong interest in sex! Indeed, he had a brilliant mind but his ‘needs’ and appetite for sex were most definitely there in spite of his many physical issues.
He had an extremely strong will. He lived so much longer than the doctors predicted. He had two wives and later a girlfriend.
I remember his first wife found it very labor intensive to have sex with him. He fathered children. He was an amazing man in many ways. Nothing stopped him from living his life. He had a wicked sense of humor.
His wife had an affair so she could be loved physically like she desired. Ahhhh, life can become complicated.
So, this is a highly individual matter. Some such as Hawking don’t lose desire until the very end.
Others who are capable physically are just not interested.
Wow!!! Some men at an older age have lots of desire!
Please remember that I am just thinking out loud and being funny. I am not comparing it to the OP’s situation.
There is humor in a lot of situations. Sometimes a person either laughs or cries or both.
I do feel that they were an interesting couple. Many assumed she just wanted money but she is nothing like Anna Nicole Smith. She and Tony had acting in theaters in common. She has used the inheritance to support the theater.
She had an open mind and accepted love from an older man. They had certain generational differences. She liked rock. He liked the opera. But they seemed to adore one another. She hasn’t remarried. Who knows how love will show up in people’s lives?
She didn’t have ‘daddy’ issues or was a gold digger. He saw an opportunity and obviously went for it. He did not have children with his first wife and wanted that. He appeared to be madly in love with her and his children.
How many people do you know personally who have divorced over something not half as difficult as what we are going through? They took vows, too. Did everyone condemn them? No, because that would be "judging". But when we are caregivers, there is an entirely different standard.
No, I haven't had an affair or any other sort of relationship outside of my marriage. Don't plan to. But I'm just a little tired of the standards that caregivers are held to, while the rest of the world goes out and does pretty much anything they want.
Don't hesitate to trust yourself. Leaving a dysfunctional relationship takes a lot of courage. Also, time is precious. It's going to take time to extricate yourself from your current situation and then start building the life *you* want for yourself.
What do you want to do?
I write from the perspective of the patient who has a little different opinion than many on this subject. I was diagnosed with Early Onset ALZ coming up on 5 yrs ago. I stopped driving 11 mos ago. I am 61, my DW is 53. I've made it clear to her that when I am institutionalized and no longer able to be a companion, husband, and lover, go on and find another man you are interested in dating and developing a relationship with. I want her to enjoy her best years with someone that is able to engage her intellectually, enjoy traveling like we have, be a good companion and enjoy life.
I have told our adult children, when mom decides she wants company with another man, let her do so without giving her any grief. Let her build a new life with someone else that is as great as our life was before, I was place in LTC.
We've done all that needs to be done securing her financial needs. We've done all we need to do with most of the legal affairs, we expect them to be tidied up in the next 6 mos or so. I sleep well knowing we've talked things over and taken action to put everything we've acquired in a Trust in her name, paid off the house, have almost no debt, and she is financially secure.
I know I've moved on down the line in terms of my status with ALZ, I'm having another Neuro-Psych Exam in a couple of weeks, to define where I am at. We've practiced our faith together since we started dating and I wouldn't change a thing. I wish you the best Unitetogether. Don't be afraid to look out for your happiness when you are ready to.
God Bless you.