Well Dad died in the nursing home, as I've already said, brought mom home not sure why,just seemed like the right thing to do. She can't walk, she can't use the bathroom on her own, she can't get in or out of bed on her own had to buy a lift to get her in an out, because she is so heavy. She is bossy, nosy and critical, and I find myself being irritated and angry at her most of the time, never saw her cry for dad, 68yrs of marriage he dies and she doesn't even seem to care, she seems more interested in who feels sorry for her than the loss of her husband. I may be missing something, I don't know. Seems odd.
She orders me around like a dog, and acts like I don't know what to do. I can be heading to get something an she will tell me to get it before I can get to it. She doesn't ask she demands. It's only been 2 weeks, and dads memorial was just last sat. And I already can't hardly stand being around her. She acts like this is my job in life and its the whole reason I was born. Well I'll give it a month and if it hasn't improved back to the nursing home i guess.
Not sure why I keep writing on here, rarely if ever get a response, so this will prob. Be my last post, not that anyone cares.
What you're saying about how your mother reacts to your father passing away is pretty common. She sounds like a martyr. A person who craves sympathy and attention from other people and wants to be pitied. I'm willing to bet she was one long before your father passed away and before she became elderly. If you take a minute to think about it, she was probably bossy, nosy, critical of you, and selfish your whole life.
Here's the whole of it. She lives in YOUR house. She is dependent on YOU. Not the other way around.
You are not a child anymore that she can make demands on or browbeat when she's having a bad day because she needs someone to take her anger and frustration out on. You're an adult and you do not have to tolerate her disrespect and abuse.
It may very well be that she is too old and too set in her ways to make any significant and lasting changes in how she behaves towards you. That being said, send her back to the nursing home if she's unable to treat you with the same basic respect and curtesy she'd show a stranger asking for the time of day. You don't have to have your life ruined by trying to be her caregiver. She needs more than you have to give. You can't fix her life.
Put her back in the nursing home you took her out. Let them do the job they're paid to do and let that be the end of it.
Good care giving is a balance.
You are understandably depressed and overwhelmed, so it's time to do something about it. Mom moves back to the nursing home. You get help for your own mental state and let the nursing home folks do their jobs without you having to worry about overseeing them.
Take things one step at a time, but the first step is moving Mom.
I have seen the same situation with people who have tried for years to mend the issues in their marriages. They lost their spouse long before the divorce happened. So, the divorce was actually a relief. Sometimes people see death as a relief and it comes off as not caring. They do care that a death or divorce occurred, it still hurts but they have already experienced the bulk of the pain.
I would have lost my mind long ago if I had taken my mother in to live with me. I don't know how on earth you're doing it, but you should consider getting her back to the nursing home in an effort to take your own life back. ASAP. These women are miserable no matter WHERE they live or WHO'S taking care of them, so why ruin OUR lives trying to achieve the impossible?
Wishing you the best of luck. And know that there are a bunch of strangers here that DO care b/c we can feel your pain. Most of us are in the same boat or have been there/done that and know the pain of where you're at right now. Sending you a big HUG today!
And yet you decided--without being certain why--to take Mom into your home. Knowing, more or less, "who she is".
It was perhaps a mistake? Only you can do that assessment. If it was a mistake you will need to discuss that with your Mom. You say that the marriage was of 68 years duration. This would mean that Mom is perhaps in her late 80s at the least. She may require care, so it may be ALF or Nursing Home for her. My bro was in ALF and you would find some like your Mom who delight in her type of behavior bossing around and criticizing other members of what my bro and I used to call a "60s commune advanced in age". She would likely be happy there, or as unhappy as she is ordinarily. And for certain you would be happy yourself.
I see that you have more than a few responses of others, and I hope they will help you. But do know that Forum is not for everyone. You have, in your life, learned a lot to share with others. And if you handle this situation you will again have a lot to pass on to others that may help them, or that may not help them at all. Hope you will reconsider. I am so sorry for the loss of your Dad, and sorry that living with Mom is so difficult. I do know my limitations. Never a day on earth that I thought I could do that. Hard enough to live with the man I love like crazy!
Good luck.
And then on top of all that, you chose to bring your mom into your home, who requires 24/7 care. WOW! I can only guess that your grief interfered with your thinking on that decision.
But thankfully, you already know that she really doesn't belong in your home, but back in the nursing home, where she will have the care she needs, and you can get back to just being her daughter. I certainly wouldn't give it another month, but would get the ball rolling now to get her back where she belongs.
I'm sorry that you're feeling that no one cares on this forum. I've been on it for I guess over a year already, and I've never gotten that impression. In fact it's been the opposite for me. I have found that there a many, many caring people on here who do truly care, and are just trying to make it through another day with the one(s) they're caring for, or trying their best to share with others things that have worked for them in their caregiving journey.
And also I have never seen a post/question go unanswered on here. Sometimes it may take a little while, but that is only because not everyone on here knows the answers to all the posts. I myself, only respond to the ones that I feel I can give a helpful reply, so please don't write us off yet. There are many on here that care.(we wouldn't be here if we didn't)
Please take care of yourself, get some therapy for your grief and your depression, get mom out of your house, and know that God loves you.
Perhaps, your previous posts were lost among many and not a lot of posters got a chance to see them. Sorry you didn't get many responses.
I read your previous posts where you said you didn't like the 2 nursing homes your dad and mom were in. That was the reason you took your mom back home after your dad passed away. Sorry for your loss.
Having your mom at home has proved to be an impossible position to be in, too. With your mom condition, she has to be in a nursing home. Put in camera to ensure better treatment as you said in your other posts. I hope you will find a better nursing home for your mother.
Did she ask you to bring her home? How old is your mom?
Do you want to place her back in the nursing home? That might be the best thing. Again. I am so very sorry that you are struggling with this.
Take care.
If you need some kindness around that (& who wouldn't!) can you spend more time with some understanding friends? Less time with Mom?
Maybe you thought being with Mom would ease the grief? Help you both?
Unfortunately not to be.
So cut your loses & return her to NH care.
Being a visitor & not her 'staff' may really improve your relationship.
It sounds as though working to get mom back in to the nursing home might be the best idea all around.