I can not get sibs (3) to agree to meager compensation I first asked about over a yr and a half ago (then $200/wk for live-in caregiving except for an outside 40-hr/wk job). I left a job in another state on a FMLA 5 yrs ago to help my mother. After numerous failed attempts at reasoning with them (and countless hurt feelings), a cost benefit anaylsis of the savings my presence/sacrifice has been to Mom, I can not get them to agree to meet with a mediator because they've continually dismissed my requests to greed. Very recently they agreed to paying me under the table (to avoid taxes) but no retroactivity. I explained that that would be fraud. They have since pulled that off the table.
And most recently they agreed to try, for the first time in over a yr and a half, to chip in and help out with Mom in 4 hr shifts M-F, 5 - 9 pm so I can have some time off after my 9-5 outside job, and some coverage on Sundays. Saturday coverage is still mine bc no one wants to give up their Saturdays. It's about 40+ hrs that they've agreed to help cover. This attempt started on December 15th. I am covering almost half of those 40+ hrs as well as overnight coverage. It's been tense and awkward, but they are trying, right?!
My question is, since I have gotten NO WHERE in trying to reason with them, it was mentioned earlier, elsewhere on this website that one could sue the estate upon her passing. Is that even possible? Is it possible without a caregiver agreement in place (they've refused that idea completely for various nonsensical reasons)? This would be my LAST resort, but might alleviate some of my stress and help me maintain focus while she's still with us.
In May 2012 when I first asked for compensation, 2 bros told me paying a family member would not be allowable in a medicaid 5 yr look back? Oldest brother is a recently retired financial advisor?! I responded with info to the contrary that basically went ignored for over a year. In May 2013, we had to change agencies due to several gross negligence issues. I took that event to re-visit my request. So finally ... the dialogue was opened, or so I thought. It has been a back and forth ever since. They have changed their stance at every turn. At one point, I was told to come up with a personal care agreement. I did so with atty fees, out-of-pocket only to have them come and say, there will be no signed agreement. I have been told that I am being more than compensated in room and board ... ha, that's whole different story.
I just can't get anywhere. So rather than continue what seems to be a losing battle and is causing me almost unbearable stress and strife and unbelievable amts of tension from sibs on top of the stressfulness of caring for an elderly mother in decline, can I give it up and tackle this after she passes?
I kind of doubt you'd be successful. You've continued to do this without getting paid, without having a contract or agreement, without any amounts being established. Since you could have declined to continue in this unpaid role at any time I don't see what grounds you would have to insist on money later. If your brothers had promised to pay you and had failed to so, yes, that seems like grounds. But it sounds like they have told you all along you should do this "for love" and that your compensation is room and board. They are living up to their end of the deal. What would you sue them for? Being insensitive jerks?
But I am definitely not a lawyer and my opinion means nothing in court! I urge you to see a lawyer, now, not wait until your mother dies.
To jeanne -- well, yes I have continued to do so without pay -- to keep the peace. I do have documentation of all of my requests/responses back to May 2012 ... not just 'cookin' this up after the fact. I just am at my wit's end.
To sonswife -- can I afford to live off the 9-5 job - NOPE. Jobs in this small town aren't plentiful. Giving written notice, finding another place to live is waaay easier said than done.
To glad -- I will pursue the website you mentioned.
Any other thoughts?
In any case, I'd see a lawyer now, not wait. Perhaps there are other ways of getting compensation.
and to glad -- wow I did contact avvo and already got a response (not one that I necessarily wanted to hear!). w/o a contract in place he said my chances of winning something are slim to none (and I didn't see how to ask a follow up qtn to his reply). BUT I have struggled to get them to consider a written agreement and they accuse me of being over the top!!!!
When I put my foot down in Oct and said I was limiting my svcs to overnight hrs, they responded/accused me of putting a gun to their heads ... a bit of melodrama, imho. I've been doing this for 20 mos and counting without any scheduled time off!
I have asked them what would happen if I weren't here. They said they'd hire outside help ... even though I provided them a cost/benefit comparison in a spreadsheet in July and that just isn't financially responsible. I've also asked them numerous why/how they are willing to pay an outside agency (who is not much more than glorified babysitters that I end up overseeing anyway) $16-17/hr for 40 hrs/wk, but not me at over 120 hrs/wk. I have yet to receive an answer.
Also Happy NY to all. I sure hope this next year is better!
Hope this is clear. Ha ... am just 'wiped out'!
Just thought I'd throw something else out there that makes no sense. Originally when I asked to be minimally compensated in May 2012 after fall/surgery/rehab that basically tethered me to the house (at least prior to that I was able to get away every so often for an afternoon). The 2 bros/co-POAs claimed compensating a family member would not be allowed the 5-yr look back. BUT they did offer (and offering now!) that they'd - out of Mom's funds, of course - pay a rather hefty medical bill that has been looming over me for about 3 yrs in lieu of compensation. I asked them then (and now) how that would not be considered gifting in the 5-yr look back (esp given their original rejection was baed on the look back)? I asked then (and now), why they are so against paying me m.e.a.g.e.r.l.y for svcs rendered so I can pay my OWN bills. It is not like I haven't earned the meager amt many, many times over.
I have a strong suspicion it's so they can lord it over me. They've already said they can't believe I wouldn't snap that up and be grateful for such a generous offer.
Sorry, the dam has burst ... and I am just venting and venting and venting! Somebody stop me -- lol?! Please send me good thoughts for 2014!
I'd guess you'll have trouble enforcing any kind of retrospective contract. But, yes, they owe you. Do them a spreadsheet, leave it with them, then forget about it: any return on it can then be a nice surprise. Meanwhile look forward: start planning and acting on your life as you mean it to go on. PS is dead right - five years of this horse poo is more than enough.
Your friend is right, it will get ugly. Avoid if possible - because once it's got ugly, what happens to your mother? Your brothers are being idiots; but in the end you all want the same thing - good care for your mother. So, what's their "better idea" of how to provide that?
"Their better idea"? Yet to be verbalized and if it's like everything else, it will change.
Wow, the more I vent the more pathetic I sound. But I AM trying to do this bc I do love my mother contrary to sibs' accusations.
But I'm afraid what the lawyer told you is true ... you have no grounds for suing because you have no agreement. In fact, you have lots of evidence that they did NOT agree to pay you.
What I think you should do (just a personal opinion, based on my own views and philosophy) is to move out. I know you say you can't afford to, but consider all options. Find someone who is looking for a roommate. Consider a boarding house or the Y. Consider a second part-time job. Write to your brothers that as of such-and-such a date you will be visiting your mother twice a week as a loving daughter, but not as a caregiver. They will need to arrange for her care. Maybe that will open their eyes. Or maybe not, so you must be prepared to act on your threat.
What is going on here is not unheard of, and it always makes my blood boil. One family member does all the work so that the others won't have their inheritance reduced. Balloney to that scene! But you made the mistake of starting doing the work before clarifying the financial expectations. They have very little incentive to do the right thing. They have you over a barrel.
There is probably an agency in the nearest city that can counsel you about housing, and give you suggestions about things to try. Call the United Way offices and they will be able to direct you to no-cost or low-cost help.
As long as you are dependent on living in your mother's house, your brothers don't really have any reason (except decency) to be fair to you.
To glad -- I got another response from the avvo website that I will definitely look into! It sounded more encouraging that the first responder and I know it varies from state to state and hopefully I stated it concisely enough in the character-restricted space! But the response incl this:
statutory provision in the Probate code to address the circumstances you describe but it does not become available until after the family member passes and applies only to assets that are a part of the decedent's estate. I have added the probate practice tag to your question so the appropriate local attorneys may offer their input through this forum.
It was very nice of responder to tag it more appropriately! Will keep you posted.
Just so you know ...
to Jeanne -- yes I know the bros have it in reverse! I have been trying to get it thru their thick heads since May 2012. amazing that the older bro keeps throwing the fact that he was a financial adv for 22 yrs?! I think it's stubbornness and ego at this point. but their ignorance has been to MY detriment, not theirs.
and to your point (good point I hadn't thought about!) -- there might not be much left in her estate either. hmm ... is that why bros are being so unreasonable?