Good afternoon,
So far I have posted twice about my situation( very briefly, I live with my 82 year old mother and am in a blossoming relationship).
Here it is: I’ve decided on taking the next step and moving out of the house. However, in a place of my own. Although the man I am with will eventually be my husband, I don’t believe it’s wise to jump from the frying pan to the fire. It’s more of a stepping stone, little steps.
I have already alerted one of my siblings and the rest will know soon enough. My partner is fully on board.
I have a tentative plan to move out within 3-6 months, to allow everyone time to be on the same page and to make sure my mother’s wishes up stay in her house and her needs are met to the same level as they are now.
"CT of her head showed an abnormal lesion, and neurosurgery explained they suspected a meningioma."
I will say I am not surprised there was a 'medical emergency' right before your move. Please do not let that change any of your plans. I think your parents were very selfish to think their 4 children were their retirement plan.
Once you move decide what you are willing to do for your mom and do only that. At least you know you won't have to be available for 'emergencies'. I loved how she told you not to call her in case you have one...what kind of help does she really think she would be able to offer.
Don't run off w. S.O , unless he can offer the Same. Up the Anty . Consider YOUR own needs too-you may feel euphoric over "nesting with S.O.", for now, but perhaps your mom is really trying to help you by still having been willing to give you the house? I don;t blame her for not wanting to see S.O ever again , even if that includes You. Do you think what you're doing was your Mom's best dream for YOU ? Just hope your not limiting yourself to just accepting the "scraps" from S.O..
Is that realistic? I don;t know -you tell me. Your making ME so thankful for My 2nd husband in life who Always cared and loved My parents and Family as deeply as if they were his Own., and still does. He also cared for his Own parents and Always still had Time for me and our own Family. (He's also a sucker for Hallmark movies too).
Well-as I’m getting ready to move in to my new apartment this Friday, there’s another twist.
Yesterday I came back from work and found my mother rather in a daze, stating she had chest pains all day, generally not feeling well.
At first I was concerned about the chest pains, checked her blood pressure and heart rate (I’m an RN) and both were fine. I asked if she wanted to go to the ER and she said “no.” She then got up and walked into the kitchen and I could see in the better light there a large bruise on her face. She admitted she fell earlier today and didn’t know how it happened, just that she found herself on the floor and had a hard time getting up.
She then relented and said she should go to the ER, so I took her immediately.
There now the real concern was the fall after a heart attack was ruled out. I could see a much larger bruise in the center of her chest, when the nurse was attaching the EKG leads.
Without this becoming a book, the upshot is her mentation was very off. CT of her head showed an abnormal lesion, and neurosurgery explained they suspected a meningioma. MRI has been done and now we’re just waiting.
It breaks my heart to see her like this.
😞
Let us know the plan moving forward as you move through this with your mom.
I must say that I am on your mom's side if her home was put into an irrevocable trust if it had any sort of equity in it. She has thereby been robbed of her one asset for her own care. She no longer owns her home and cannot sell it for her own care. She is made dependent and destitute if that home has any equity in it.
I hope to heaven your poor mother is no longer paying the mortgage on something that isn't even hers.
I am also a bit flummoxed that an unpaid home can be put in an irrevocable trust. That must have been a very clever attorney indeed.
Your mom has my very deepest sympathy.
Otherwise it was a bad financial move , and a bad assumption / expectation that the kids could / would help support them .
Or perhaps they weren’t given enough information , or did not fully understand the trust when it was drawn up . Some lawyers love to encourage trusts as it makes more money for them . Some are more honest about looking at each individual clients assets before encouraging an irrevocable trust .
A month ago I was posting quite a bit about my plans to move out into a place of my own.
I signed the lease on an apartment which is fairly close by, to remain there for my mother on as needed basis. My move-in date is 11/15.
Things have been pretty calm in the meantime aside from a couple of outbursts from her which blew over quickly.
Until tonight. My older sister and brother-in-law are visiting this weekend and discussions have begun re: her expenses and what will happen moving forward.
The upshot is she is starting to understand that most financial expenses are going to be her responsibility; that we (there are 4 of us children) are not to be contributing financially every single month, but if emergencies come up we’ll be more like a safety net.
( Slight information without going into needless details: the house is in an irrevocable trust since my father was in a nursing home and went on Medicaid. He had a whole life insurance policy that paid out to my mother upon his death. She gets a small pension every month from his job plus her social security, her only income. She has a mortgage. )
She blew up at me, saying she is below the poverty line, everything is falling apart on her while all of her children’s lives are “rosy”, she can’t sell the house, all of her friends’ children do “everything” for them and her 4 children are just selfish.
But especially me. After she has asked me numerous times if I wanted the house and now suddenly not, told me I could go jump in a lake for all she cares, she’s disowning me, said “Don’t call me in an emergency, I won’t be there for you.”
Then called me a b***h.
I felt my heart sink at all of that but said nothing, except when she called me a name I went to grab my purse to leave, then she said she was sorry she called me that and that she “barked” at me, But still not to call her in an emergency and she won’t be calling me either.
I’m now sitting here in my bedroom typing away to get this all out while I process it all.
😞
People who don’t have alot of money in savings for their retirement should not put their house in that type of trust , and then complain about it .
Things keep changing. My mother calmed down somewhat last night, and said she realized it may be beneficial for us to have space, even wants to look at apartments with me.
This morning she circled back to how she is convinced the only reason I want to move out is because of my significant other, and that it’s sad I am doing this to my elderly mother as she becomes more dependent. That after making a lifelong commitment to her I go and do this.
Side note: She is a LOT more capable than she lets on.
Then she spoke to my older, out of state sister for a while later this morning, and my sister spoke up on my behalf, saying she and my brother-in-law will help. They have a rough plan including making her the POA instead of me, and my brother-in-law will help crunch numbers as he is good with them. I will still be the HCP for medical care.
My sister also vouched for my significant other, that everyone in the family likes him and want this for me, and my mother then surprised me by saying that as long as it’s important to me he is welcome to come in for Thanksgiving. So there is hope yet that she will eventually accept him in time.
We will see what happens next…
OWN that with …
“ Mom it is perfectly healthy that I leave to live a normal life with my partner. It is not normal or healthy to make a lifelong commitment to another person , so extreme , that prevents me from the opportunity to live my life “.
1) ‘A concrete plan’ may be impossible if M won’t agree to any of it.
2) “without getting all of my siblings on board” – NO. You can escape whether or not all your siblings agree. And why would they agree, when it is currently all under control from their point of view?
3) “without getting my partner on board” – fair enough, so long as ‘getting on board’ doesn’t mean make forced commitments that ought to be voluntary.
This ‘care’ has been forced on you for so long that being firm is difficult. You still have a way to go on it. Her appalling current behavior may shake you up enough to make the split fast and firm. Frankly, my own strategy would be to agree to all of her outrageous insults. "Yes you may be right" doesn't get you into an argument, and you have no need to justify yourself. Add "I don't know why you've put up with it".
(I just want to add one little thing- NEVER let your mother move in with you and husband once you get out on your own. NEVER.)
Congratulations and please let us know how things are going!
Mom’s behavior is deplorable ….trying to stop you from living a normal life with your significant other .
. I agree with the previous post , ignore her nonsense as much as you can .
Google “ Grey rock method “ for how to handle verbal cr4p she throws at you .
Your mother is responsible for her life going forward. You gave notice .
A couple of my siblings are already on alert re: what’s on the horizon.
I had been thinking about how to broach the subject but wanted to do it in a way that was respectful and not sprung upon her, allowing her full control over what to do, but this evening she “pried” it out of me, so I had no choice but to get it out there.
Ugh. It’s awful in this house tonight. So there’s no yelling or screaming, but she said she “knew” this was coming, scoffing at my relationship, saying I have issues, have been secretive all of my life, I don’t get anything of hers (I don’t want anything), I’ll be leaving the house sooner than I think once I clear out the stuff she doesn’t want around.
She believes it has everything to do with my significant other, that she doesn’t know why I want to get married, etc etc, ( it’s really a small part, of course she doesn’t me).
I’m self-centered, I have issues, she blames me for the fact that my father was in a nursing home 6 years ago.
And she doesn’t want to look at me right now, but when I asked her if she wanted me to clear out of the house tonight to give her space, she said, “that’s stupid”, but being pragmatic she wants a list of everything that I’ve been paying for tonight( which I’ll be doing once I stop typing this).
And finally, she doesn’t want to see my significant other’s face again.
☹️😢
And welcome to are forum
You deserve to have your own life .
Your mother NEEDS food , shelter , care, safety . If this is not able to happen in her own home , do not postpone moving out .
Your mother’s WANTS do not have to be met . She may have to be placed in assisted living .
Don’t put your life on hold . 6 months is too long . 2-3 months is the most to see if you can set up care at home that will work .
You should not be stuck in her home because she WANTS to live at home . Mom is the one in NEED of care . That does not mean you have to live there . It also does not mean that Mom gets to stay home .
Why is your plan "tentative" and why does it have to take 3-6 months?
If you really want to take your life back it can happen a whole lot quicker than 3-6 months, and with a bit more tenacity instead of being "tentative."
But from what you wrote, I gather that you are not one to do things quickly but would rather take "little steps" or in other words play it safe, instead of jumping in with both feet.
It'll be interesting to see how that woks for you.
I’ve been living with her for years, but it’s only in the last 5 years or so that things have escalated to this point.
As far as not going through with it, no, I am deadly serious. It is absolutely going to happen.
If it ever gets to a point where I fear for my safety (or hers), I will keep a small bag on hand with essentials to immediately vacate, so that would be a more drastic exit, and I am fully prepared to go that route.
Enjoy every moment of your new upcoming home - much to be excited about!! Wishing you all the very best ~
Keep in mind that "best is the enemy of better" -- so don't set your conditions for moving out and on too high or you won't be able to do what you desire. Things don't have to be perfect for you to leave.
You could have done an update on your other thread just by posting like the rest of us do. Please, update us on your progress.