I turned over the POA to an attorney my lady friend suggested several months back since I could not handle the demands of 24 hour care. At first, he (as guardian) had 24-hour caregivers at her home. Two weeks ago, I was notified that she was admitted to an Alzheimer's Unit in an email. At first, I was told that I would be allowed to visit after two weeks; then it was extended for another two weeks. Today, I received a letter from her Guardian saying that, after speaking with her physician, I am permanently banned from seeing her without a valid reason. When she passes, I am the executor of her estate and have all responsibility for her funeral, etc. I am devastated that the Guardian would pull such a stunt. I can not prove or disprove his claim that he spoke with the doctor overseeing her care. He may have just done it to keep me from seeing her. I am the only person who will visit her. Her son and sister care zero about her. I am disappointed and perplexed. Any thoughts, suggestions, etc., would be very much appreciated.
If it helps, as an outsider I would say it's probably nothing personal. Not on the guardian's part, anyway. My first guess would be that your lady friend - bear in mind she is demented - has been saying things that have led her physician and the care team to believe there is a safeguarding issue. It could be allegations of, oh heaven knows, a sexual or financial nature, or an end-of-life wishes nature, or goodness knows what-all. And you have to grasp that it isn't so much that they necessarily *believe* her as that the nature of the allegations means that they can't ignore them.
But meanwhile your lady friend is without the benefit of your company. And that's not good for her, either - it's just that it's a lesser worry for them than even the merest possibility that she might come to harm on their watch if they let you into the facility.
I am guessing, because I've never tried this and I don't know how the systems work in your area. But you could raise a safeguarding issue of your own, because your lady friend is being socially isolated. You would need to do this diplomatically and constructively, because after all your aim is to continue to work with these people - you just want to be allowed to do that.
Go to a lawyer for advice on making a formal complaint and requesting information concerning any allegations made about you. Guardians operate under judicial supervision so your friend already has a file open on her. Be prepared for what might be inside it - partially true or not, you might be horrified by what's been said.
When you say you could not handle the demands of 24 hour care (we've all been there, no one is going to judge you for burning out), did anything happen that could have come back to bite you?
Is it a legal term? I think not!
When I was "banned" from visiting my uncle by the abusing bully now living in his home, my uncle phoned me and said to come over anyway. Just come over!
Test the waters, go there with flowers.
A legal term would look like a properly served restraining order, filed with the court, ordered by a judge.
You are the executor, you have official business.
She can tell you if she doesn't want to see you, right?
"Upon the advice of -------- ------- treating physician, I have determined that it will not be in her interests for you to visit her at -----------.
"I have advised the staff at --------------- that you are not permitted to visit with Ms. -------.
It doesn't get much plainer than that. Pretty cruel. I have no idea of what brought this on and the guardian would not elaborate.
I've talked to an attorney. If a physician says something, they are basically God if I pursue this through the legal system. I can spend $20K or more fighting this and still not get the right to visit.
My attorney suggested that I do not do anything. If I send something, it will be reported by the Administrator of the facility to the Guardian and it could result in a formal restraining order. And, her mail will be screened in this instance -- like in a prison. It will never make it to her.
I'm just going to have to suck it up as best as possible and pray to God for some type of miracle. It's just bad knowing that I may only be seeing her again as a lifeless body. I've cried lots of tears about (a) this situation and more importantly (b) her rapid decline at a young age with a disease she's had less than two years.
Nobody, and I mean nobody, from her family (nor myself) has been allowed into the facility and won't until August at the earliest. I will not as I've repeated. It is an assisted living facility with two separate ALZ units within. One for mild to moderate ALZ and the other for moderate to severe. She is in the latter.
High security with TSA type screening. Not a psych hospital. It's a new facility. I can't answer any of your questions, but I highly suspect that she is not adjusting to the facility (nor would most people). I also imagine they are probably sedating her or doing a version of a chemical lobotomy if she is a worse case scenario.
She was bad when she left home, but she did have a drinking problem (red wine) when she went into the unit. I suspect it will take a few weeks to get whatever in her system, according to a friend who is a pharmacist. I pray they aren't restraining her or hurting her in any way.
I don't know anyone who would be happy about being whisked away and placed into a facility like witness protection. The guardian did not inform her family or myself when it happened. Fortunately, she had her cell phone before it was taken away and one of the caregivers told her where she was after coercion.
Not the caregiver at the new facility, but one she had at home who went with her. My friend always lived a charmed life and nobody told her what to do. Now they are and she is not liking it.
I imagine one reason they're so tight-lipped about the rationale is that it is solely to do with your friend's mental state and their attempts to treat her. Which of course they can't disclose to you, because of patient/client confidentiality.
You'd have thought they might have the humanity to explain as much. But erring on the side of caution they can't even do that, I suppose.
How old is your friend? Did you have suspicions about what sort of dementia has struck her?
Thanks for the response. You evidently did not read about the screening process to enter the facility. No alcohol, weapons, etc., allowed.
My attorney is the one who quoted me the fees -- not the lay person. I could go to court and file a pro se motion. However, have you ever heard the saying that someone who represents themselves in court has a fool for a lawyer?
I've been looking after her for a long time. I'm tired, stressed and can't endure any thing else. I'm having health issues and never had them before. Sometimes, let's face it, you can't fight City Hall. If it's God's will, then that is how it has to be. I'll have to come to the realization that he knows what's best whether it seems right or wrong to me.
My friend is 68 years old. I took her for formal Alzheimer's testing after suspecting a possible brain tumor or something else. The testing indicated the ALZ. They gave her no more than five years to live two years ago. Looks like they were right on, but only God knows for sure.
Men plan -- God laughs.
Just send a copy of the letter, then ask simply, "Trying to confirm that as her doctor, you have ordered me not to be able to see your patient".
They are required by law. They can report back to any family member.
Your story sounds a lot like my Mothers's and her gentleman friend's situation. I will try to no make this too long.
Mother's gentleman friend was not in that great of shape himself. He was beginning to show signs of early dementia himself. Being in Mother's constant company was beginning to be too much for him. He could not accept that her family could not get the Drs to "fix" her. So he broke off the relationship with my Mother. That day my Mother began crying nonstop. We got her into her Dr. She was sent to the ER. She was evaluated in the ER and admitted to the Geriatric Psychiatric floor within the hospital. Her diagnosis was a Psychotic Break and a Severe Depressive Disorder in addition to her unspecified Dementia. Mother told the Psychiatrist "something" horrible about her gentleman friend. The Psychiatrist could not tell me what the "something" was but I was told to change the locks on Mother's house and there was to be "no contact" until my Mother was stabilized and could make a decision for herself.
Mother was stabilized after about 14 days but fell numerous times while in the hospital. She then went to inpatient physical rehab for 100 days then became a Patient of the Nursing Home.
It was all a very sad situation. My sister and I were very fond of my Mother's gentleman friend. But, we, myself and my sister, and the Psychiatrist had to consider whatever the threat my Mother expressed to the Psychiatrist as real even though it may have come from a broken place in her brain.
Eventually, The gentleman friend was allowed to visit Mother in the Nursing Home. During one of his first visits he brought my Mother a pocket knife for her to keep "for her protection". An aide found it. There were lots of meetings and discussions. The facility wanted the gentleman to visit Mother because he was so fun and lifted Mother's spirits so but his son had to accompany him and be present at all times.
Perhaps one thing you can do is write formally to her guardian, requesting that he copy in the facility, stating your readiness to spend time with her should they be prepared to reconsider the potential benefit to her.
I'm not too sure that the fool for a client aphorism applies here. You're not being sued or under suspicion. You're just presenting a petition to be permitted communication with an old friend - all that's at stake is that you end up no further forward. On the other hand you might do better to show understanding of the facility's priorities and not push the point for the time being; but then you can still do that and have it established in principle that you are a trustworthy visitor.
I can't imagine what you're going through, not knowing what's happening to her or whether she feels your absence or what she might think is going on. Are you in touch with her friends or family, for moral support?
Have you considered that after a 20 year relationship your lady friend may not want you to see her in this condition? I am sure it was shocking for her to see the condition and behavior of some of the other residents. if she is still cognizant enough she would have realized what may lie ahead for her. As a younger woman she will probably have many years to spend in this place however good it is.
When i see these kinds of questions on this forum my first reaction is always. "Follow the money" is there any possibility that the guardian is misappropriating funds?
When you handed over control to the guardian did you move out of a shared home? Were you allowed to see her while she was receiving care in her own home?
I would be very interested to hear more of the background to this story. You lady friend is clearly financially secure otherwise she would not have been able to afford 24 hour care or a Memory care facility that can afford expensive security.
Were you able to spend time with her when she was still at home?
Sorry to sound so negative when you are so troubled and I do sympathise but I am an old lady with a nasty habit of looking under rocks.
I spent every day looking after her and even visited daily after the in-home 24 hour caregivers took over. I had one of the caregivers terminated after she showed me videos she had made of previous clients in states of undress; drooling, etc. I mentioned this to the court and no action was taken with the Police though it is a felony. The legal system folks are all in bed together so I'm back to you can't fight City Hall in some cities.
My friend was still in her beautiful home until she was yanked out on a whim by the guardian. Neither myself, her sister or son were notified.
After discussing this my my family and friends, I am not willing to keep fighting the visitation issue due to my own health and an aging mother and aunt to take care of to boot. You have to pick your battles. Is my death from stress and fighting this forever, along with my other health issues, worth it? How will I be of good to my mother and aunt if I'm deceased over this. I can't help it if she has a sorry family.
Yes, I could do lots of things to keep the pot stirred. My best friend finally said, "You've got to let this go. You should just remember her and all the good times you had until she acquired this awful disease. She is not the same person any longer and is a shell of herself."
While it breaks my heart, and there have been many, many tears and lack of sleep, I just retired and want to have a few good years left before God comes calling. I have a moral and ethical responsibility to take care of my mother now. My lady friend has a sister and son who have treated her like a piece of concrete and just want money, money, money from her.
I hope that EVERY penny is spent on her health care. Her son fought for guardianship and lost to the attorney aforementioned. What does that tell you about him? He owed her half a million dollars and there is a lien on her home due to his shenanigans.
She called me every day for the first week until they took her mobile/cell phone. I'm sure she has been asking for me constantly. That is probably why they don't want her to see me. I got that from a caregiver who stayed with her until they cut off the care-giving during the acclimation to the facility.
No. Not possible.
The OP is the patient's executor. The patient is no longer able to make a will. The OP therefore will remain executor. And in any case there has been no suggestion that the attorney, appointed by the courts as the patient's guardian, has any such design or intention.
This situation is quite tragic enough without looking for sinister ulterior motives on anybody's part. It concerns a comparatively young woman, 68 years old, with an early onset diagnosis 2 years ago, who is now experiencing extreme mental distress and is in a specialist locked facility for the treatment of moderate to severe Alzheimers Disease.
The best thing to hope for is that this phase of her illness will give way to a calmer one which may permit her family and the OP, her close friend, to visit her. That's what I'm praying for, anyway.