How do you not feel bad for getting rid of a hoarders stuff?

Mum's 'stuff' and believe me there isn't much is in the garage in boxes less than a handful and if they aren't asked for in a year's time I will bin the lot. But Mum isn't a hoarder of the kind we are talking about and I am definitely NOT a hoarder at all. Except for....memories ....you cam see now why i fear dementia

The question about how not to feel bad seems a little like 'how do I not have pain when I have strep throat'. Feelings are just feelings, they are symptoms of having to do something unpleasant. It is ok to 'feel bad'. It isn't ok though not to do the right thing because it's difficult. There are things you can do for yourself when you are charged with this unpleasant task and most of them involve a thing called cognitive therapy. That is for you. Hoarders are mentally ill. You cannot talk sense to them and have them get it. But limited exposure to them when you are doing what must be done might be necessary.

I correct myself...lol....gotta laugh...list...not lust

That's how I did it...but it was like pulling teeth..we sent some to the auction..donated..threw away...and kept (more than we should have) even though I'll have to tote it to her apartment..which I checked on the status of yesterday..she's dropped down on the lust from 3 to 4, because someone didn't move out. Oh well....when she gets there..after her rant is over when it won't fit..she will finally see..there's no room....sigh

I went thru this between 2011-2013!! Provide your loved one with her good, familiar items in the home. Then, Separate into three piles: trash, donate and sell ( small pile cause nothing is worth anything anymore). You cant take it with you, and she wont miss it! She doesnt know what she has! A local preschool could always use the craft items! And, donate to Goodwill, Salvation Army, etc...they do well with your stuff! Dont be surprised if you pay to have people take your junk! Dumpsters are $$$, tipping fees in a landfill are $$$. And, hoarding is inherited, so dont do it to your children! Clean YOUR home!

Tough love...even though you feel like a bully...reality has to be faced...for safety sake...better health. It's no fun being "the so called bad person" who has to pare down a parent's things to fit into a smallish senior apartment....

Make an agenda or schedule for yourself as you begin the miserable task. Locate places to donate good, useable stuff, write down names/numbers of local companies or individuals who will pick up and haul away. If there are boxes of documents and the paper is clean, consider taking it to a shredding place - Kinko's, Office Max or similar. Junk Pro or similar companies haul by the 1/2 or full load. Buy yourself gloves and masks to protect skin and respiratory system. If you are dropping off items to Goodwill or another organization, go into the thrift store and buy clothes appropriate for the task at hand. If it's bad enough you should not want to wear your regular clothes. This will save you from having to launder contaminated clothing. Place in trash when your done. Cleaning, recycling, supporting charities, rehabbing property and preserving your own sanity are all positive outcomes for the mess you are tackling. If someone refuses or ignores the need to declutter and the upkeep gets worse over time, family needs to begin the process for the person who can not decide what to do with all the stuff, junk etc. I've helped with parents property and am currently going through spouse's stuff as much will never be used. His sister and I decided to not discuss with spouse because he can not physically be around to even view stuff. Most is good stuff and being donated. Don't wait 'till afterwards. You have control of yourself now, so take charge and stand up for yourself if any objections come from those who are not helping. It's a good idea to start sooner rather than later since you are going to be left to do the work.

About feeling bad about it. You will feel bad when you think about how it affected your mom. You will feel relived when you remember that it is behind you now. You will walk through a shop or flip through a magazine and see something that could have come from her home and you will feel nostalgic but you will turn the page and hopefully you will throw out that magazine when you've finished reading it.


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Everybody is different on this subject because some of us have developed a tougher 'hide' than others. My husband's ex-wife and mother of his kids is a certified hoarder (their daughter submitted her to the tv show and she was accepted but in typical hoarder fashion, refused to let them in at the last moment). The treasured things she was keeping, which included EVERY SINGLE thing each of the kids made in school, etc. ended up in a flooded basement, moldy and a health hazard. Furniture that she had no place for ruined. Eventually she was in trouble with the county because of the condition of her home and the grass never being cut, and bench warrants were issued for her because she never paid the bills the county sent her for cutting the grass after the neighbors couldn't take it anymore. She had enough money to be 'set' from the divorce settlement and was also a teacher who did the work for her masters degree but never wrote her final dissertation to get the actual degree. So, education debt that got her nothing. She lost her job because of the lack of organization and bench warrants and spent so much money on 'retail therapy' that she didn't make the essentials, like paying the mortgage. Was finally evicted from the house which was condemned, by the sheriff. Before it all came to a head in the loss of her job and home, my stepdaughters repeatedly would spend a week or so with her every couple of years, got a dumpster, threw out stuff and 'helped' her organize, only to come back to the same type of disaster within a couple of years. Her car sat outside in severe weather because her garage was packed to the gills, thereby destroying her car as well. How do you help a person like this? I have no idea. You cannot change them. If your 'job' is to make sure they are safe and dry, you must get rid of all the stuff and help them get into a place where they can be cared for. A house with all the duties, like a yard and repairs, was not something she could handle. When the eviction and job loss happened, one daughter 'forced' her to move out of state and in with her and her family. It almost destroyed their marriage. Finally there was a deadline, they found her an apartment with a small living space and no storage and moved her out of their home. I am sure her apartment is a mess but it is what it is. I would say the best approach would be to get rid of as much as you can (you will be the one to be stuck with the mess eventually) and do not buy that 'one day' the promises of addressing it will ever happen. Your feelings are your feelings. Feel bad if you must, but do what you have to. For your safety and mental health and for theirs too.

BTW, you're still going to feel bad no matter what. But it has to be done.

I assume you've spoken to Mom about what to keep and what's got to go. ... And of course she wouldn't part with her treasure troves.

A garage sale would be nice; donate what you can't sell but could be of use to others. Or invite the whole neighborhood to come in and take whatever they can carry.

mean rid of

Guess you are a slave to your possessions! Hope I have the energy to get rid off stuff in my house.

The person who should feel bad about not getting rid of all the stuff is your parent!
While my father was alive, I spent $13,000 (you read that correctly) hiring a team of four men who worked for two weeks straight THROWING OUT ALL HIS JUNK from his shop. I literally stayed there each day, brought lunch and water, and somehow missed the fact that he managed to move some of this stuff from his shop to his house. A lot of metal was melted down for scrap--about $835 worth to offset the expenses but you can see that nothing he saved was worth anything. THEN--after he died, I paid another clean-out company $225 a load to drag 12 dump trucks full of more CR@P to the town dump and donated any usable furniture to a church hosting international students. I had to spend another 11 days in his home. Did I miss anything? Hell no! Some photographs, a book or two and some personal papers about our family--maybe a handful of those. When I got home, the first thing I did was throw everything out of my house that i was keeping because someday my kids might use it! i am NOT going to do to them what he did to me. I loved Dad but I did not love his packrat ways. Hoarders are selfish, depressed, using their useless stuff to keep distance from their families. If it weren't illegal, I'd say buy a stick of dynamite. Throw it in and BURN the place to the ground! Sign me exhausted and FED-UP!;)

Here's my nightmare that actually happened. Mom got sick with C Diff which is basically un-kill able. With me 3500 miles away I ended up calling the only company that would touch a really contaminated house. (She had been spreading the germs all over it). Crime scene cleaners. Cost lots and I feel terrible about it, still. Nutshell is: you are going to feel bad about it no matter what you do so do what is survivable for yourself.

Hi, my Mother now 91 years of age also hoarded. Her Mother died of TB when she was 3 years old so I do think that the above poster is correct that losing a parent at a young age has something to do with collecting junk. And YES the older you get the harder it is to sort things out. When you get too old you can not even change the bed sheets on your bed. Everything you do wipes you out. Only thing is to try to take care of your own stuff when you are young so we don't do this to someone else.

My father's mom died when he was 7 years old which I believe contributed to his hoarding behavior. I asked my aunt who is 8 years younger than him when this started and she said he has had piles of stuff for as long as she can remember.

He lived with my uncle and his wife for a short time in his 20's and had so much stuff in their house that my aunt's father ordered it removed because he thought the floor boards would collapse.

My mother married him somewhere around this time and didn't understand the extent of his hoarding. Growing up with 7 siblings we lived in a small cape cod with a basement and 2 car garage that we could never use because they were filled to the top with his collection. All kinds of things but mainly paper. My father's profession was a state records expert and archivist. When we moved to a larger house around the time I was 10, we had so much trash out front of the cape cod on one of the moving weeks that a new neighbor stopped over and asked if this is where everyone on the block is supposed to leave their trash for pickup.

Upon moving into the new house, my parents asked each of their parents for money for the down payment on the larger house. My mom's father gave a check on the contingency that my mom gets half of the garage so she has a place to park her car. My father didn't hold up his end of the agreement and proceeded to fill up both sides of the garage.

At the new house my father had the garage and basement filled to the brim with a walking path to be able to get to the washer and dryer. The garage was inaccessible. He also had a large amount of stuff in his half of the master bedroom.

Over the years he started to add to his pile and started to surround himself in the family room, particularly around his chair. This irritated my mother to no end. When my mother's father died, he left everything to her so she had some extra money and wanted to buy a small house for my father to keep his collection. He declined for whatever reasons he had but the truth is that he has to be around the stuff. It seems to provide him with a sense of comfort.

I remember visiting his office at work when I was younger and saw that his office was piled up the same way with a path leading to his desk area. I am sure that this lead to him not receiving a raise or promotion for years at a time while his subordinates received promotions.

Over the years my mother had enough and filed for divorce from my father when I was 21 or so. He was ranting and raving about her leaving him and told his siblings a litany of reasons why she left. His older sister finally blurted out "Look she was fed up with all your stuff." That was the first time anyone outside of his wife or children directly confronted him about his collection.

It took me, my brother and 2 friends 3 weeks to pack and move his collection out of my mom's house and into his new home. The new neighbors thought he moved from a mansion due to the over 400 packing boxes that we unloaded, as well as 40+ shelves and 30+ filing cabinets. At least 15 of the filing cabinets weigh over 600 lbs each.

After he moved into the new place, he called me many times to move in because he didn't have any furniture and he was upset with my mom throughout the divorce. 2 of my siblings were under 18 at the time and he fought to have them every other weekend because he was paying child support now and he was intent on showing my mother and her lawyer that he was indeed a good father. My younger siblings never received much love from my father before this and also were used to living in a much nicer area than where my father now lives. They never had much love for my father since he seemed to care more for his possessions then he did for his children.

About 3 years later with my younger brother and sister now in college, my father started having some serious health problems. This lead to me spending the next 10 years of taking care of him. Getting his medications, doctor and hospital trips, cooking, yard work, etc. Throughout the years 4 of my siblings moved out of state anytime I mentioned that I would be moving out and someone would need to check on dad. The 4 out of staters call once a week to once a month but only visit for 2 days every 5 years or so. The 3 others that live in town don't talk to dad much anymore. They see him for an hour or 2 twice a year. Generally on Christmas with a gift card and some other random day most years.

Dad has had over 10 surgeries over the past decade, 2 trips to ICU following a surgery, had an emergency surgery on Thanksgiving one year and the only child (and only person at all for more than half of them) that has been there for his surgeries has been me. Hoarding has taken his life and his family from him.

With dad's health deteriorating over the years, he now can't sort or get rid of anything that he promised to take care of for over 30 years and I know it's all going to fall on me. He hasn't been in the garage in 7 years or more and has been down to the basement once in 5 years. Yet, he refuses to let me get rid of anything.

So, to answer the question, NO I will have no problem getting rid of my fathers collection. I have cleaned out his room twice over the years. 10 hours each time with him there and he fills it up shortly after. I am going to start getting rid of his things from the garage and basement this year and I am going to make sure he sits and watches every gut wrenching moment. He can't fill them up with his health issues anymore so this is a good time to get rid of things. To force somebody to spend weeks or months cleaning up after you is extremely inconsiderate and I will have no problem getting rid of his stuff with a smile on my face.

I typed this on my phone so if it appears rambling or incoherent at times, sorry.

You don't own 'It'... 'It' owns You!

You don't 'It'... 'It' owns You!

Not to mention the disease, bacteria, filth, mice/rats, etc associated with hoarding... I know... I've witnessed it from neighbors... There are no positives coming from a hording situation... The sooner you get rid of it the better!

How do you not feel bad for digging your way out from under a ton of useless stuff? Picture how YOUR children would feel if you did this to them and then stop feeling sorry for the hoarder and bend your task to get rid of everything ASAP and make sure you NEVER do this to anyone caring for you!!!

Endofrope, I would get rid of my mother's "stuff" one box at a time too, if I could. Her house is safe and accessible, but she won't part with a lifetime of STUFF. If she could, she would still be buying books, gourmet food, and cooking gadgets on Amazon, but thank goodness, she doesn't do the internet anymore. She is an excessive food shopper though. 2 freezers in the garage, plus the regular refrigerator. And it's just her and her dog. Plus, she's a terrible control freak and whenever we try to get rid of all the ancient frozen food, she argues and hovers, and makes it very difficult.
When the time comes for me to close out her estate, it will be an enormous undertaking.

My mom isn't a hoarder in the TV sense, she just can't resist a "bargain" ...... Now that her dementia is in the severe stages, I've started donating things a box at a time
so she won't miss it. When she is asleep (not often!) I pack up a box of things that she has bought which have no value. She has lots of antiques which are valuable, but in the last years, her ability to judge value went out the window and she has a sh*t ton of resin figures, silk flowers, and ugly craft items "decorating" her house. One at a time they are "disappearing" Since she is still alive (using that term loosely) I have time to do it this way instead of all at once. I think my
biggest hurdle is that every time I get rid of something, I feel guilty because in the back of my mind I think what will she say if she gets better? I KNOW that she can't and will never get better, but my brain still hangs onto foolish hope and pokes at me with guilt. I just tell my brain to "shut the fu*k up" and get rid of the crap.

I feel for you. My mother has not become a hoarder, but she is a saver. Mainly because she grew up during the Great Depression (as most of our parents did) but also because she was one of fourteen children. So excess of stuff is kind of a recurring issue in our family. In my immediate family our problem is food. I live with my mother, Dad passed about 6 weeks ago. we have a refrigerator/freezer upstairs, one downstairs and a full length freezer downstairs (which is about to bite the dust and I can't wait!). Even if it doesn't get toward hoarding status, overactive saving can be a problem. I am lucky that every once in a while Mom will listen to me when I SUGGEST getting rid of something. I try to be as respectful as I can as I moved home (due to something unrelated to caregiving) but it is hard. good luck to you!

Your question is: HOW DO I NOT FEEL BAD? I don't think anyone can tell you how to feel. Many different things can be done to cope but feel? That probably takes time and depends on every different circumstance. Hoarders are also manipulative and they really do want you to feel bad if you try to change them. When you can do for yourself is reassure yourself and seek reassurance from others, importantly professionals as well, that you are doing what you are doing for someone's wellbeing. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and 'do' rather than 'feel'.

People who keep stuff because it might be useful or valuable someday never realise the utter uselessness of the crap you will have to pay BIG BUCKS to have carted away, nor will you be thanked for the effort. First donate as much as you can to a local church or give furniture to people who want to lug it away. Next hire someone to haul the rest away. Stagger home, take pain pills and get some sleep. It took me ten full days with four people working 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. to clean out my father's shop and $13,000 to get rid of everything he saved. It was worth $800.00 when sold for scrap. So much for the value saved in all those items. UGH!

Yes, I will definitely call on a pro to help me! I would feel better if I knew that the stuff was going to someone who really wanted it, but like everything, I'm trying to figure out what my priorities are. What will I care more about? Finding the perfect home for each thing, even it makes the process that much longer (which I can't afford, since I do have a full time job and will be commuting quite a distance to handle this)? Or do I want to handle it respectfully, but expediently? Lol, door #2 please!

Vstefans, I may have not put it in these words (you did a better job!) but that is exactly it. My MIL was not a hoarder but she did live in her home for 47 years. She was 'extremely sentimental' and didn't have a basement, thank God, so there was a lot to go through but not overwhelmingly so for professionals. They can separate the 'sh-- from shinola' or at least the wheat from the chaff! Anyway, you are so right. They don't charge that much and they get the job done. For a truly hoarding situation, you need more of a hazmat prepared type company and in that case, stuff will be mostly disposed of. But when looking for a way to separate oneself from so much emotional distress pro is the way to go. The other thing to be prepared for is this: Hoarders often believe their 'treasures' are very valuable. Even non hoarders who are sentimentally attached to antiques and family items think so too. After all they have worked to earn, own and enjoy their things and when forced to part with them, they believe they should fetch much more than they do. My MIL's entire home's contents brought about 10K probably one fifth of what she would have expected. Her antiques were beautifully kept, but no one wants a 3/4 size antique bed anymore (that needs a specially made mattress and sheets to fit) unless it's for a little girl! People are not crazy about oak any more, furniture is made to accommodate technology and didn't used to be, people are bigger and taller so old furniture is too small over all. Keep your loved one(s) away from the sale, if you have to get rid of things. It is very depressing and upsetting for them to know their 'life' amounted to so little from a financial standpoint. My MIL insisted on knowing what the net result was and my husband's brother told her. It was a mistake. Also, keep some personal items aside and if you need to put anything in storage and decide what to do with it later, no big deal. Keep them safe but do what you have to do and be willing to be a bit flexible.

Recently in my neighborhood an older lady had to move. Her biggest concern was whether or not the recipients would be deserving. She asked if anyone in the neighborhood wanted anything. I asked, "Why don't you donate to Goodwill, Salvation Army, Public Radio or some other charity? Her inability to let go of stuff was a reflection of her deeply-ingrained concept of "deserving". If she couldn't hand it to a "deserving person", she didn't want to let go. She was moving in with her middle aged son and his wife who lived about 2 hours away. So they coordinated by packing what she had to have and a few small items she really wanted. While the wife drove her the 2 hours to her new home, the son had a truck scheduled to pick up the bigger stuff. That way she didn't have to view her stuff that may go to those who were not "deserving". The son mentioned that his parents were very proud they worked for everything they ever had. No handouts, so she could not really process the fact that some just have less than ideal lives and can't always buy what they need. He knew this day would come, so he was ready. He was thankful she still had most of her mental capability to be capable of the move, but that she had "lost her edge" enough that it was basically out of sight, out of mind.

Seriously, there are estate sale companies that will handle this sort of thing as long as you get the serious trash out first. Then collect whatever few items are worth something to you, and let the rest go for the pittance they will get. You will end up with not much money for it, but with a "broom-clean" house that is ready for a new life...