Number one complaint about how being a caregiver for an elderly parent has affected your relationship with your spouse or partner?

For us, it's been a challenge to find time alone together, and not having any privacy. Mom has anxiety and paranoia which makes her very clingy, so she is usually up from the time I get up until the time I go to bed.

I have to say my hubby has been wonderful through this, and I believe it's made us a little closer in a way (I think we bond right now over griping and complaining about mom on our trips to get groceries or run errands - or that's our excuse to get out of the house anyway lol).

It's just changed the overall routine and norm of our whole household, and been challenging for our kids as well.

We are looking for mom a place to live where she will get good care and where we can visit, but won't have to be caring for her 24/7. I just yearn to get our privacy back. I miss our late night conversations after the kids have gone to bed, or the little flirty things we would do when no one was looking, which would be just awkward now with mom here because she is always in the living room staring at us.

When I first posted, it was because I was having a really tough time after my elderly mother-in-law with dementia moved in with us from France. And I still am having a tough time, but this forum made me realize that I am not alone and it has given me a lot of perspective on the issues that I have posted about.

Regarding my own relationship, I'll also answer the question that I posed. The most challenging part for me is that I feel as though I have lost a million degrees of freedom. Freedom to go on vacation. Freedom to go out with my husband without major preparation for his mom. Freedom to have friends over without including her in the plans. Freedom to just be a couple without thinking about her. It feels that MIL is hovering over us all the time and expects us to keep her busy.

My husband is an only child - his mom and dad divorced when he was only 2, and she never remarried. I often feel like the third wheel when they are at dinner and talking about the past and people I cannot relate to nor never met, which they do all the time.

The relationship became very stressful because my sig other wasn't helping as much as I would hope. It felt like a 80/20% situation. And when he did help, he would talk about it for weeks on end on how he helped. I was too exhausted to listen half the time.

My parents had passed over a year ago. Now my sig other wants to travel. But the stress did a lot of damage to my health, so traveling is now out of the question. So is dining out and going to the movies, I now get panic attacks. If only he would have gave in a little bit more to help me.... [sigh]

My caregiving situation isn’t as intense as some here, I’ll say my husband has been wonderful to my parents, now just my dad. As for how it’s affected our relationship, the thing I hate about it is that though he’s great about listening, he’s always who I vent to about the latest frustrating thing that’s happened (and it’s something daily between my dad and dysfunctional family members) I hate that he has to hear it all, that we spend time discussing, that the blah, blah, blah of it invades pleasant family time. Anyone understand that!?!

Some of ya'll must be in my head because your experiences are so similar, lol! It's been very challenging. My mother is very needy and totally ignores any boundaries/privacy. We've both lived with her and not. Even when we don't live together, she's demanding and needy. She has to be included in everything we do, expects us to come every weekend (we live out of state); we can't plan vacations or have any time for ourselves. She's constantly blowing up our phones, often several times a day. It's all-consuming. Thankfully, my husband has been a saint and totally supports me in it, but often I'm too stressed and tired to give him the attention he needs, which is a recipe for disaster, so I'm trying really hard to balance it all. My prayers go up for all caregivers!

Loss of privacy. No privacy changes a lot of things. But, we love God and we love Mom, so we will get through.
But definitely, no privacy.

For the 3 short months that Mom (stage 6 Alzheimer's) lived with us, I would say that the anxiety that she caused was the worst problem for us.

Always having to watch her every minute so she didn't fall, didn't get into anything she shouldn't, staying up all night, etc.,
It was all too much.

She refused hubby's assistance (to the point of hitting him if he tried to help her), so that left everything to me.

We started snapping at each other. There was NO "free" time and her constant confusion with the same 2 questions asked 50+ times a day made us crazy.

She wouldn't sleep so we hired a night caregiver. We have a small house so I could still hear the commotion of trying to calm her or getting up to the bathroom with the walker. I couldn't sleep well and I needed to go to work. That made me more "snappy".

It wasn't worth loosing our marriage.
Mother is now in a Memory Care facility where she seems happier. God knows we are.

It has definitely affected our romantic life. Even though my mother lives in assisted living, she's got serious health issues and her lack of mobility makes taking care of her a daily chore for us both. It's just hard to feel frisky when everything revolves around mother. Mother needs depends. Mother isn't taking her medicine. Mother has to go to the doctor for her leg. Mother falls and breaks two fingers. The assisted living facility personnel are constantly calling either me or my wife about mother not cooperating with her own care program. So, it's just one thing after another and our romantic life is taking a definite hit because we just don't have the energy.

I've been helping my aunts and mother since they moved nearby in the 90s. At first it was just minimal, then as each had failing health, doctor visits, arranging for in home health care, and managing their dysfunctional relationships. Now it's just my mother, and she is the most demanding and relentless of all of them. It dates back to my childhood as she attempted to groom me to take care of her and my alcoholic father. However, I met and married a wonderful man who listens and guides me through it, helping me to stand firm on setting boundaries and not cave to imagined issues and needs. I also have a great support system including family, friends, doctors, and specialists who understand. My advice would be to carefully and objectively analyze what your loved ones' needs are, and determine the boundaries you can live with and have no regrets. You want them to be safe and as healthy as possible, but you shouldn't have to give up your life to meet entitled and/or unrealistic expectations that completely overwhelm and drain you (believe me though, she tries). One day it will be you and your significant other, family, and friends who you can turn your full attention to, and you want to have good health and peace of mind to enjoy your life. After all, you earned it, too. Thoughts and prayers to everyone in this delicate situation.

I remember when I told a friend who's mother was in AL, he said "you’re life will never be the same". I had no idea how it would change. Dad never lived with us luckily, and the first few years were fine but once he began going downhill, memory getting worse, falling all the time, getting angry, having 2 surgeries and 4 rehab stays, it got so much more consuming. We were his world and it all fell on me. At first my husband was relatively detached and didn’t want to be involved or even hear my "stories" about dad. One day I sort of blew up and told him I needed his support. It was too much for me to be in this alone and that’s what being married is part of. He turned a corner after that. I agree with another poster that the constant conversations centered around dad can get old. Now dad is in a NH and my husband surprised me one day by saying he was going to visit dad once a week to check on him. He wanted to take off the pressure I felt to see dad. I think he knew the immense stress and emotional upheaval I felt when dad was yelling at me and blaming me for moving him there. It was so bad I took 2months off from seeing him and then I got stress induced colitis when I started to see him again. So my husband is a saint to me now and I think it’s made him grow in compassion as a person.

My mother in law moved in with us in August. It has been very stressful to say the least. She refused to stay in our extra bedroom and has been camped out on my couch in the living room. It is constantly made up to look like her bed, complete with blankets and pillows. She has numerous pictures and paperwork spread from one end of the coffee table to the other. She has no regard that she is a guest in our home, she acts like it is her home and we are the outsiders. She lies constantly about everything and is very sneaky when trying to hide things she is doing.
I cannot even stand to be in the same room with her which makes things very awkward, to say the least. My husband is aware of all her behaviors but is constantly defending her by saying, "She is 89. Wait till you are that old and see how you act." I think that's a cop-out.
We have absolutely no privacy and cannot talk without her adding her 2 cents. We haven't been to dinner alone in months because we although we don't want to leave her out, I would rather not go than to bring her with us. Once after my husband and I had a loud argument (over guess who), she was right at my elbow asking me what was going on, why were we fighting, etc. I told her it was none of her business and I think she got the message.
I am at the point where I try to avoid her completely and tip toe around my own house. My husband really isn't much comfort to me and that makes me resent him defending her constantly.
Recently I told my husband I dread coming home at the end of the day because I know she is there and he got mad because he said that he was there too and didn't I want to see him. He just doesn't get it. She is his mother, not mine. He has a love for her that I don't have. Most days it is a struggle for me to even speak to her anymore.
So, yes, having her living with us has very much affected our relationship for the worse.

I know this site is geared more towards those caring for their parents and my situation is different. Being the primary caregiver for my wife who was involved in a serious accident which left her paralyzed. I think there is a general theme for us all in that our thoughts, plans and dreams of the future get dealt a major blow and send us down a different path. I won't get into the many ways her accident has (is) effected me, us and them but I have gained a new perspective in dealing with this for over 10 years. Acknowledge things could always be worse and take pause to see the blessing you are able to be there in your loved ones times of need.
My morning prayer: "Dear Lord, please give me the strength and courage to face the day and peace and comfort to accept what it brings"

I am an only child - dad has been in memory care facility for a year and mom lives down the street but is barely functional due to depression and alcoholism. My husband and I run a small business together that is more time consuming than Monday-Friday. My parents' situation is starting to consume my life and I am very resentful. I do everything I can to keep up a fire wall to prevent the negativity from seeping into my home life and my marriage. But that's tough because I keep a lot of the pain inside. We are very tied down at a time in our lives when I thought we would be freer and reaping the rewards of decades of career-orientation. It's overall, pretty horrible.

I have been caregiving so long I have become isolated and physically ready to drop. I have so many things wrong with my own health and I don't have health insurance to help me or any way to get help from doctors myself. No matter what you do, please all, take care of yourself too! I have so much wrong with my own health now I pray we get good results on his PET SCAN today.
I can hardly lift my arms up in the mornings I am so worn down. Just asking for prayers.
No health aide will come as he smokes.

I care for my husband who is a veteran with chronic PTSD, COPD, and has had cancer and a stroke within the past two years.
His mom is now been diagnosed with Dementia and I am juggling and finding out that I can't do both things.
My husband was named DPOA for his mom. However his PCP doctor, his psychiatric doctor, and the neurologist, have all said that he cannot be DPOA, it will be too difficult for him.
So I have had the dynamics change in our house. I am trying to help my husband get things set up for mom who is a daily challenge [she is in an apartment and she cannot move in with us..period.]. I try to deal with my husband's daily issues which seem to get worse.
Has it changed my life?
Yes.
I am never allowed any moments to do things for myself.
I get short with my husband when he can't hear or understand something as simple as "Can you feed the dog?"
I realize it is stress speaking and not my true heart for he is a dear man.

What relationship? Who has time for that when caring for your elderly loved one 24/7/7 and all of that time - even when you’re sleeping - you are more hypervigilant than when/if you had a toddler!

I was made guardian and conservator for an aunt with Alzheimer's who was in a memory care facility. Immediately after I became guardian, she fell multiple times in one week hitting her head and breaking her kneecap. It was downhill from there. The memory care facility would not let her come back until her knee was healed and she was able to "transfer" from bed to chair, etc. When she was admitted to the SNF, she gave up and stopped eating. The stress aged and changed me noticeably, even though she was not in my home. My husband heard about it day after day after day. 

My husband of 50 years has dementia with Lewy body
It has actually brought us closer.
We now talk more and do things more with each other
Sad that a disease like this had to be the thing that brought us back to reality.

My relationship with my husband has changed alot! He has alcohol dementia, yet has refused to give up the whiskey and I have much resentment towards him! It is hard not to lose feelings for someone when they are constantly wanting to argue and are verbally and emotional abusive!

When Mom moved in with us, it was then we found out she didn’t sleep at night. Our house is large & easily accommodated 3 couples & 1 single person, with enough common & private spaces for veryone. It shrank considerable when Mom moved in. The relationship affected the most was my son & his GF who were living with us. They lost their private unwind space (the living room) & were basically confined to their bedroom. After a month we realized Mom needed more care that our little village could give her. It took us another month to find & move her into an AL facility. It took us a long time to recover from the disastrous impact of Mom living with us.

Realizing that, moving my demanding, narcissistic MIL in with us is not even an option.

I can say that my husband has been very supportive. When I am upset or had a frustrating day, he reminds me that what I am doing is not easy. (Not that he would know from experience. He had no relationship with him Mom.)

With that being said, he and I have never had a emotionally close relationship (in my opinion...)... But I think what women think of begin close is different than men... I feel that I have become a little more distant. There are times when I really want him to just hold me, but he would want more. I don't. He would take that as a personal attack, so I keep my physical distance. (Trust me, he wouldn't understand...)

I have also had to find a way to curb my impatience when I get home, though. After spending all day with Mom, I have to deal with my husband's short-term memory issues. I found myself getting really frustrated. Now, when he asks me the same thing two and three times, I take a deep breath and repeat the same answer I gave him the first time. That seems to keep me on an even-keel...

I would say, it is all me and not him... :-)

Total wipe out! But lets be open and honest here! I dont have an sweet, happy, loving mom, waning in her senior years with dignity and grace, embracing her grown grandchild and family, dealing with the stress an sadness an aging parent brings. I have a bitter 90 year old, who has been bitter since 1957 when I accidentally appeared on the planet ( I DO HAVE THAT IN WRITING BTW-along with details of the worse child birth I put her thru... hummmm several times, actually)

Aaaaanyway, Trying to be a daughter, a caregiver, sole benefactor bit me royally. The more I over looked, the worst it got. I put the respect for parenthood before my husband and my family.

The good part was my 2 kids know I went 150% full on daughter and are proud of the daughter I am.

The bad part is the conversations, arguments, unspoken arguments, full on battles, no talking and the night he thru his ring at me and walked out.
We couldnt seem to get to the point where I wasnt taking them (at the time) or her since he passed OVER him, I was trying to find a happy medium, struggling to find a way-no having the tools to do it, there were no open forums like this and it was trying to understand feelings I couldnt put my finger on.
I figured when you get married, your family got bigger. I was an idiot. I didnt know once I married, it became "in-laws and out-laws" as I used to call it. She tells him to his face-" Blood is thicker than water Mister and you can be replaced". We have heard that so many times, its now a saying.

I dont sit quietly btw and take it either. He will not disrespect her, he has successfully avoid her for 8 years now, never being in the same room or answering the phone. He has also not prevented me from medical emergencies and all the time that takes to be there. Nor has he refused her financial help when she got slammed with a huge bill she couldnt handle.

Granted over the years we have both mellowed, but for the first 15-20 years of marriage, there was a ton of un-necessary damage. Every holiday, every DAM HOLIDAY was a battle. I hated them.......I knocked myself stupid, to plan, prevent and intercept possible issues...right down to seating arrangements so they would be face to face or near each other.
And we dont live next door to her either, we are 1500 miles apart ! Yup, all this crap and many miles in between. Flight schedules scare me, lol!
Panic set in....holidays are here, OMG!

Un-inviting didnt work-lying about not having the holidays didnt work either, and I got busted lying about it too. If I said Im going to....., didnt matter. I came home and she was here, 3 or 4 times. Got the ticket, and took a cab from the airport. UN ANNOUNCED!
One or two times, my door bell rang....here is the cab driver with luggage. My mistake was not slamming the door and dead bolting it. You should have heard those fights! There we were, sitting in the car, in the drive way, no keys, freezing to death! He insisted I knew, I was so pissed that he thought I did know! Ever try to get a hotel room 3 days before Christmas w/o reservations?

See what I mean, un necessary damage? He called it a Morgue a lot of times. Thank God, we had kids, they got us thru Christmas Mornings. I remember one year, she would not shut up about having a real tree, it was a fire hazard, with children in the house, what are you thinking. Every phone call, every person that came thru the door had to hear about how stupid we are having a real tree- endangering our kids! The tree was fine, well watered and watched like a hawk! Fond holiday memories! Ugh.
So ya, did my relationship with him change- absolutely! Is it stronger over all, yup, now that we are older- married 40 years in October. BUT, that was our doing and a blessing- we both figured out she wasnt worth the fight, feelings or time that took away from us.

What would I yearn to get back....my younger memories. I wish we had the christmas parties I avoided- I wish I attended the holidays I gave up with others. I wish my kids first communions, confirmations, graduations, and a ton of holidays were less darker memories of the fights in the car, its too hot, its too cold, its to crowed, I cant hear them, this is too long, people drink, people smoke, its too loud, there is no parking, I dont like the food, why did you go here, the silver ware is dirty, waitress is a bitch, wheres the bath room, Im tired..... and everything else that would come out for hours on end.
I wish I had severed the cord, before I married and never looked back.

My relationship is about the same if not stronger. My husband is so appreciative and is always concerned about my health because in his most lucid moments he realizes the work I do for him. But then again, we have always had a good relationship and have always had respect for each other. I do admit though, at times when I am engrossed in a project or problem I have to take care of, he will ask me for something and I have to interrupt what I am doing and tend to his needs which is usually minor. Those are the times where he is absorbed in his wants and I always feel guilty when I become frustrated interiorly for having those thoughts. Fortunately, these moments are few on my part because he can't help what is going on in his head. We have always supported each other over the years and I am not about to stop doing that regardless of what turn our marriage goes in our lives.

I’m definitely not sharing an answer, I’m telling my story. Has my relationship gotten stronger ?? Not at all, has it had its share of ups and downs? I can say most definitely. I am the caregiver to my husbands Grandma and have been for 5 years now (24/7) My husband doesn’t seem to understand how exhausted I am, oh did I mention I have 3 teens, run a business and I’m a homemaker ? He shows absolutely no compassion and when it’s a night when Grandma is having one of her episodes ( that’s what I call them) I can go as long as 3-4 days on 2-3 hours of sleep. If I open the bedroom door to loud or am not mindful that I’m being loud he sure reminds me that he needs to sleep Beth’s has to go to work!! How can I not get mad? Or cry( which I’m doing right now as I type) I’m exhausted. She’s in Hospice are now for her dementia and has shown a fast decline these past few weeks, so now the guilt is starting to take over the guilt that at some times I wanted for this journey to be over with, I wanted my life back. How selfish I can be, The guilt of giving her prescribed Haldol to calm her down ( that at times makes her lethargic) or not too because I think I’m killing her. My husband doesn’t make any decisions I have it and it’s more on me. I’ve been told to make funeral arrangements, I’ve never made funeral arrangements! Make funeral arrangements? For who me? Gram is still walking around,confused, weaker but still has enough energy to pass up and down , open and close doors, bang on walls all night long so I or my children get no sleep. How can she need funeral arrangements? So I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t ( I even told our Social Worker) if I give her haldol I can sleeep because she can sleep, do I not give it because she sleeps( sometime 16-20 hours and I sleep a good 6? How can I get my husband to just let me lean on his shoulder to cry or just show me some compassion??

As a single, celibate, full-time-working parent, my response has to do with the effect caregiving had on a different relationship: that with my daughter (an only child who had no contact with her father or his family). Intensive caregiving for my parents began when she was about 9-1/2, and continued for the next six years. She had been used to having my attention at any time before my parents' needs became overwhelming (in fact, they had also been part of my support network for her), and the shift to their needing so much more of my attention (and hers, in a different way) was very difficult for both of us. It has now been ten years since my father's death and seven since my mother's, and thanks to joint and individual counselling, and the natural growth and maturity that comes with the passage of time, we seem to have pretty much healed the damage that period did to our relationship. I guess my message is: there may very well BE damage, but love, commitment and time can definitely put things right again. Best of all, my daughter has a far more mature and compassionate perspective on aging and the elderly than any one of her age peers that I can think of. In the long term, it has been a positive.

I'm not married but in a committed relationship. My boyfriend is patient and tolerant due to the fact he has an aunt (who is like a mother) who is about the same age as my father. I'm a consultant and currently between assignments, so my dad is at my home every day! nearly a year ago, I moved him to senior retirement apartments-he's still sharp, pretty mobile and still has the ability to drive. For those aspects, I'm truly grateful. I moved into his home to: clear out 30 years of stuff and do some DIY improvements and upgrades, which we share the cost of. He/I will use this home as a rental or eventually sell it. I pay a marginal amount of rent since I relocated from another state to be closer to him and my grown son and family. He consistently shows up with little or no notice and lets himself in! My boyfriend courageously and compassionately helps me define and maintain boundaries. I need to have a conversation with him about respecting my privacy and time. This will be the 3rd conversation of this nature in a year's time! He maintains that it's 'his' house! I'm ready to tell him that's fine, he can have it. Pay someone else to clear out and maintain it. Any other 'renter' would want his 30 years of stuff OUT! Any other renter would call the police for his 'trespassing'. I don't feel guilty anymore, I'm 57 and deserve to have my own life. Which I did while living in another state! Meanwhile, my boyfriend helps me by taking us out of town where I'm 'unavailable' to address my clingy father's needs. 

I think the biggest burden on our relationship is that our lives now revolve around his mother. We can't go anywhere in the evening, or get away for a weekend. We have zero privacy, as the way our house is laid out and because of my husband's needs, she has to walk through our bedroom to get to the bathroom or any other part of the house. This wears hard on my husband,  who is having his own health challenges, and he in turn takes out his frustrations by picking at me. I am irritable and impatient a lot of the time as a result and because I am struggling to hang on to what little I have left of my own life. It just feels like living in a pressure cooker all the time.

Biggest challenge for me is the loss of freedom as well. My husband and I used to travel. We used to do fun things and be spontaneous. Vacationing is out of the question. Even traveling for business requires a lot more planning to ensure my mother's needs are met. We've pretty much given up our weekends. My husband visits his dad three days a week. I visit my mom weekly for shopping, pharmacy and errands and then handling her medical issues in between visits. My husband is retired, but he gets frustrated with his dad. I work approximately 50 hours a week. I visit my mother on Saturdays. She's independent enough to live on her own. But caring for them both has been very stressful. If anything, it has brought us together more now that both of us have a parent that requires help but is often not 100% honest about what's going on with them. Unfortunately, we are about to embark on a new journey soon when we move in with his father. Now that his mother has passed away, we are seeing signs that his dad isn't coping well and isn't really taking very good care of himself. He's stopped taking his meds and the house, which was usually immaculate, is a mess. So the hubs and I will be moving in take care of him full time. Frankly, this scares the h*ll out of me. I have no idea what this will do to my marriage. They aren't exactly best buds and this new dynamic will likely be challenging for everyone.

Barely hanging on. But I am sure it is my personality and the dynamics of the whole situation! OCD, your own health problems, and Alzheimers are not a good combination. Sigh.

Feeling super depressed to day. I don't even PT caregive for mother any more, but she's still a presence. My DH refuses to talk about her, my frustrations with siblings or something as small as being roped into doing something for her, then she bails and leaves me with the "clean up", both physical and financial.

He just had a huge blow up with his mom and I let him talk about it FOR DAYS and DAYS--the suddenly one day he said 'Crap, can you please STOP bringing up my mother?" I wasn't the one-- his sis has been trying to intervene a little and patch things up. I am simply the go -between--but not anymore.

DH expresses all emotions that make him uncomfortable as anger. He's just angry all the time.

Both our mothers are very hard to deal with. I support him, he tells me to shut up about my mom as "he's heard it all before and nothing changes".

Also, I held firm 15 years ago about not allowing his dying father to move in with us. This is thrown back at me EVERY SINGLE TIME the situation is spoken of--how selfish I am.

No win situation. Feeling just awful today--but it will pass.