I am really curious to hear from everyone on this forum what the most challenging part of caregiving has been for you when it comes to your relationship with your spouse or significant other. Has your relationship changed a lot -- is it overall stronger or are you barely holding things together? What do you yearn to get back in your relationship?
With that being said, he and I have never had a emotionally close relationship (in my opinion...)... But I think what women think of begin close is different than men... I feel that I have become a little more distant. There are times when I really want him to just hold me, but he would want more. I don't. He would take that as a personal attack, so I keep my physical distance. (Trust me, he wouldn't understand...)
I have also had to find a way to curb my impatience when I get home, though. After spending all day with Mom, I have to deal with my husband's short-term memory issues. I found myself getting really frustrated. Now, when he asks me the same thing two and three times, I take a deep breath and repeat the same answer I gave him the first time. That seems to keep me on an even-keel...
I would say, it is all me and not him... :-)
Realizing that, moving my demanding, narcissistic MIL in with us is not even an option.
It has actually brought us closer.
We now talk more and do things more with each other
Sad that a disease like this had to be the thing that brought us back to reality.
His mom is now been diagnosed with Dementia and I am juggling and finding out that I can't do both things.
My husband was named DPOA for his mom. However his PCP doctor, his psychiatric doctor, and the neurologist, have all said that he cannot be DPOA, it will be too difficult for him.
So I have had the dynamics change in our house. I am trying to help my husband get things set up for mom who is a daily challenge [she is in an apartment and she cannot move in with us..period.]. I try to deal with my husband's daily issues which seem to get worse.
Has it changed my life?
Yes.
I am never allowed any moments to do things for myself.
I get short with my husband when he can't hear or understand something as simple as "Can you feed the dog?"
I realize it is stress speaking and not my true heart for he is a dear man.
I can hardly lift my arms up in the mornings I am so worn down. Just asking for prayers.
No health aide will come as he smokes.
My morning prayer: "Dear Lord, please give me the strength and courage to face the day and peace and comfort to accept what it brings"
I cannot even stand to be in the same room with her which makes things very awkward, to say the least. My husband is aware of all her behaviors but is constantly defending her by saying, "She is 89. Wait till you are that old and see how you act." I think that's a cop-out.
We have absolutely no privacy and cannot talk without her adding her 2 cents. We haven't been to dinner alone in months because we although we don't want to leave her out, I would rather not go than to bring her with us. Once after my husband and I had a loud argument (over guess who), she was right at my elbow asking me what was going on, why were we fighting, etc. I told her it was none of her business and I think she got the message.
I am at the point where I try to avoid her completely and tip toe around my own house. My husband really isn't much comfort to me and that makes me resent him defending her constantly.
Recently I told my husband I dread coming home at the end of the day because I know she is there and he got mad because he said that he was there too and didn't I want to see him. He just doesn't get it. She is his mother, not mine. He has a love for her that I don't have. Most days it is a struggle for me to even speak to her anymore.
So, yes, having her living with us has very much affected our relationship for the worse.
Always having to watch her every minute so she didn't fall, didn't get into anything she shouldn't, staying up all night, etc.,
It was all too much.
She refused hubby's assistance (to the point of hitting him if he tried to help her), so that left everything to me.
We started snapping at each other. There was NO "free" time and her constant confusion with the same 2 questions asked 50+ times a day made us crazy.
She wouldn't sleep so we hired a night caregiver. We have a small house so I could still hear the commotion of trying to calm her or getting up to the bathroom with the walker. I couldn't sleep well and I needed to go to work. That made me more "snappy".
It wasn't worth loosing our marriage.
Mother is now in a Memory Care facility where she seems happier. God knows we are.
But definitely, no privacy.
My parents had passed over a year ago. Now my sig other wants to travel. But the stress did a lot of damage to my health, so traveling is now out of the question. So is dining out and going to the movies, I now get panic attacks. If only he would have gave in a little bit more to help me.... [sigh]
Regarding my own relationship, I'll also answer the question that I posed. The most challenging part for me is that I feel as though I have lost a million degrees of freedom. Freedom to go on vacation. Freedom to go out with my husband without major preparation for his mom. Freedom to have friends over without including her in the plans. Freedom to just be a couple without thinking about her. It feels that MIL is hovering over us all the time and expects us to keep her busy.
My husband is an only child - his mom and dad divorced when he was only 2, and she never remarried. I often feel like the third wheel when they are at dinner and talking about the past and people I cannot relate to nor never met, which they do all the time.
I also miss the freedom to do things that I would like to do both alone or with my husband without considering her needs first. I know that it can't last forever but some days are excruciatingly long.
I have to say my hubby has been wonderful through this, and I believe it's made us a little closer in a way (I think we bond right now over griping and complaining about mom on our trips to get groceries or run errands - or that's our excuse to get out of the house anyway lol).
It's just changed the overall routine and norm of our whole household, and been challenging for our kids as well.
We are looking for mom a place to live where she will get good care and where we can visit, but won't have to be caring for her 24/7. I just yearn to get our privacy back. I miss our late night conversations after the kids have gone to bed, or the little flirty things we would do when no one was looking, which would be just awkward now with mom here because she is always in the living room staring at us.