Do you feel that putting someone in a nursing home is just giving them a place to die in?

Well if they are stupid and selfish, that's the way she raised them. Spoiled them rotten. Too bad she can't turn back the clock and take them to the woodshed.

Perhaps all that you are wanting for your sister, will occur in the NH. My mother would not have survived another week at home, and now we celebrated her 95th birthday. She has been in the NH for 15 months. She has 24 hour care, baths, meals, socialization and entertainment.

One of my sisters died trying to care for Mother. My other sister is 75 YO. We could not have cared for mother at home.

As far as taking Mother somewhere in the car, the NH would not help us load her in the car. They cannot be responsible for that. Her 50 yo grandson isn't even capable of getting her (dead weight) in a car and then, change her Depends, while out.

I celebrate those families that are able to care for their loved ones, but some loved ones are very difficult patients and need skilled care.

Good luck. I think that you have enough on your plate, without taking on your sister, too.

See Pam no way my sister raised them like that, she showed her generosity often, she was a special ed teacher and had a very poor student so she went out and bought him jeans and sneakers and other items, she bought him things numerous times. She also was thoughtful toward others, she offered to bring her then alive and ill mother in law into her home to care for her. And when her sweet husband lay dying in a hospital for 6 months, she visited him every single day except 9 days, when she was sick or had to get a treatment for her back pain, and see she is large and has back pain and would sit in the hard chair in the ICU and other hospital rooms they put her husband, but she sat in those uncomfortable chairs sitting by her husband up to 6 hours at a time, her sons saw and knew that, I guess they are too dumb to learn by example.She helped her sons and others, you cannot blame the tree when some of the fruit is rotten, outside circumstances occur to create that rottenness. I am who I am by my own choices, I do not blame my parents for anything, those two slobs have chosen their ways to behave in life, no one to blame but them.

See Chicago your sweet Mom is old enough to be my sister's Mom, even grandmother, at your mom's age and in her delicate health condition I agree a nursing home is the most compassionate place to have her. My sister is young, she just is obese and suffered a great loss ( her husband) which I feel drove her crazy with grief, some people can handle death, others absolutely cannot. That was the catalyst for many of her issues, I told my nephew that, plus now she is on tons of meds, meds that weaken you, not strengthen you. It's all so sad.

I don't feel the nursing home is making my sister improve, now they are very kind and efficient there but I knew she would deteriorate there ( or any facility that was not her own home) and I was right. It is so dramatic how downhill she has gone and I told my nephew she would, but he and his slimy brother did not heed my warnings, they are young and healthy, if they were good souls they would had gotten together to care for her. I have sacrificed for my mother, it is not the easiest thing to care for her, but it is my moral obligation, so what my nephews can't together to care for their mother? Like I wrote one has no job, he has all the time in the world as well as hundreds of thousands of dollars, how sickening is it that these two selfish pigs put their Mom away and now seem to be rewarded with tons of money, it is so unfair. I bet in their sick perverse minds they think it is a sign they did the right thing, like the money is a reward. I truly hope they get punished in this life and the next, I know I am supposed to forgive all, but wow when family acts like this to family to me it is an unforgivable sin, worse than not forgiving them is.

thank you for your good luck words, I wish that to you too. And your Mom is not in the nursing home because she was a bother, but because it truly is the best place for someone in her condition. As far as my sister, it's the worst place, I am sure she feels abandoned and betrayed and I know she is severely depressed, it's heartbreaking, I love my sister so much, she's waaay too young o be in a nursing home. when I tell friends, neighbors and strangers her age and where she is they are shocked..

Following a major stroke and broken hip, my mother, then 78 went to a nursing home for rehab, but she did not work with PT. Her doctor had been trying to get her into assisted living earlier because she was not consistent with her meds even with her wheel chair bound husband and a helper in the house. Thus, she kept having seizures. However, that all stopped at the nursing home. In my opinion, she lasted four years longer in the nursing home than she would of at home which was not a real possibility with her not learning to walk again like she had after her stroke. I share this just to say that not everyone puts a loved one in a nursing home just to give them to die in.

In my experience, Nursing Homes do not admit patients who do not require skilled nursing, whether or not they are private pay. People are not "put away" in nursing homes, at least not in good ones. My mother would be dead three times this year if she had been in my care; NH staff picks up on changes in her status quickly. My mother's health has significantly improved since she's been in her currently placement. Not sure what your sister's health status is; is it possible that your nephews are trying to shield you from knowledge that your sister is in fact very ill?

Nursing homes don't admit just anyone who has family that wants to dump them there. She's there because she probably needs to be there. Your mom is lucky that she has you for a caregiver but not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver and maybe the thought of caring for their obese mom, changing her diapers, trying to get her in and out of the car, etc. was too daunting for these "2 selfish swine". They may be doing the best they can for her. And if she's not in decline why would she need the three of you taking care of her? When there are 2 ill people or 2 people who can't do for themselves and it takes 3 caregivers to take care of the both of them then I think it's time to look at alternative arrangements.

I can tell from your post that you are very angry and very resentful but you also live 1,000 miles away and don't know the day to day responsibilities your "dirtbag nephews" had when dealing with their mom.

I have read all the postings to your question. I will give you the benefit of the doubt by asking you this question. Would you really want those useless nephews to take care of their mother/your sister along with your mother? You say your sister has deteriorated in the nursing home. She could become more worse off being cared for from those selfish horrible nephews. At least your sister is safe and not at the hands of unwanted caegivers.

After getting the last bit of info, I am sorry for her situation. A heavier person does require skilled care. She must have agreed at some point to the NH. How else would it be paid for?

Maybe this will be the incentive for her to help herself. Obesity is a terrible disease. I had a close friend die from it at age 57. She weighed 400 pounds. Another former teammate of mine (we were athletes) died, bed ridden at age 60. There doesn't seem to be anything anyone can do to help, this certain group of people. I offered emotional help, many times.

Eyerishlass I know with my ditrtbag nephews, my other sister and her husband, a dr, 2 and 1/2 years ago took my sister to the Cleveland Clinic, my dirtbag nephew who had lived off of her and had the audacity to charge her for chores he did did not want to go, interesting he was not interested in hearing what the dr said. Now. the dr who examined her, a respected neurologist, said she first needed her depression taken care of, second needed to see a good endocrinologist to treat her diabetes, thirdly needed to lose weight and exercise, and fourth had to have an MRI, my nephew there did not do anything recommended and that swine told my sister the dr said she had dementia ( he did not say that, he said after all those things were taken care of he could make a better diagnosis) and my sister called me so upset telling me what her loser son told her, I told her that dr never said that, he said her other issues had to be properly treated first; my other sister who took her to the CC told me that dr never made a dementia diagnosis, plus my sister the ill one always feared getting dementia so WOW great son there to fill her head up with that, also that dirtbag son , yeah DIRTBAG, he came back to live with or really live off of my sister a yr after her husband died, he knew, we all knew she still was not handling his death well, so that pig when he would get mad at my sister would give her the silent treatment for a day or two numerous times, ever get the silent treatment? If not, it is awful! Now imagine you are still mourning your husband's death and here is some moron deciding that he's going to give you more grief by ignoring you for days at a time because aww he did not like something you said or did, that insensitive bum! On top of that my sister would call me crying that her beloved indoor cats were missing, this happened many times, I would try to calm her and say they were maybe hiding in the basement, (she lived right behind a very busy highway) well it was not until a year later that my nephew revealed to me he would hide her cats to get her to exercise looking for them, I was livid and said how he knew she was so upset thinking that the cats got out and could be near or on that highway and what on earth made him think that was a good idea, yeah great son! That nephew brought my sister here 2 years ago, she was yes confused, but she could hold conversations, ( and I detected in her a lot of depression still, and also anxiety, I know the death of her husband completely wrecked her mind, and I had begged my nephew to take her to a good therapist, one one of her friends had recommended to help her depression, but he did nothing. and when she was here 2 years ago she walked, she was able to use the bathroom, she was extremely depressed though ( I know all this is over her husband, I still cry for him and am so sad knowing I will never see him again and I was not married to him, nor in love with him so I can imagine the intense pain my sister felt from his death). I asked him to come live here so his Mom would not be put away, he first put her in a mental hospital a terrible one, she knew enough to call me here from there, I had no idea she was going into one until I got a call from my nephew as he drove her there with a neighbor a lunatic slob hoarder whose only child has disowned her, my nephew chose this woman as an ally,the woman is mentally ill, her yard and house is filthy, cluttered, cat urine and feces everywhere, etc, she;s gross and my sister told me that woman was trying to get into her life and she did not want her near her, my nephew knew this and yet chose to have that filthy cur help him take my sister to a mental hospital? That nasty woman was the one telling my nephew he thought my sister had dementia and needed to be in a mental hospital and put away that is the pot calling the kettle black, she is no arbitrator of sanity what with her filthy ways, her own family despising her and the neighbors too, she needed to be put away, and that hoarder was with my nephew when he drove my sister to the mental hospital, my sister even told me that me her son was mad at her and that that woman was trying to work herself into her lie and she did not want her there. When my sis was at that m.h. she said she felt like she was going crazy there, then after that place decided they did not want to treat or help her, this dirtbag son told a social worker quote "If she is not put away, I will take her home, pack my bags, leave and she can fend for herself." This coming from a fat slob who while here earlier that year ( the mental hospital was 3 months after they were here) but while here that swine was here he would say, "Oh it'smy pleasure to take care of Mom after all she took care of me 18 years", try 30 years. So he and the social worker got her put into an assisted living place, she called me from there crying, ahhh to hear people screaming from dementia yes that was beautiful and I am sure great for her mental health, but she called me crying she did not want to be there and again said she felt she was going crazy, I had zero power, her son had guardianship and the devil called all the shots. Then at the AL she developed a bad wound on her hell, hello her dr did not always check her feet, she has diabetes? So she was moved from there to another nursing home, then into the hospital since that NH did not feel they could treat her wound, then she went into yet another NH, this all went on in less than a year, can you believe that? So within a year she was in 5 places starting with a mental hospital I wonder how many people could handle watching their husband suffer and die, then be alone in the home after the husband died, then have a son come home who pulled mind games on them, then put them into 5 different facilities never ever allowing them back into their rightful home ( which btw he lost) and never seeing her beloved cats. YES they are DIRTBAGS!!!! And I told my nephew if he did not want to come here to just hire aides to help him out, my sister received $5,000.00 a month from her late husband's pension and had 2 annuity funds, that was more than enough to hire help, he refused! I realize not everyone can be a caregiver, but that son and the other son and his wife could had all helped out by getting together and helping my sister, see in life we are supposed to sacrifice for our loved ones and do everything we can to help them. I have met many people young and old who said they never want to be put into a nursing home and when I mention how young my sister is they are horrified. My nephews are selfish dirtbags, why when their Dad laid dying in the hospital the one who put my sister away was at a univ supposedly getting his Masters, he never did get that phantom degree, he made up every excuse to not come home to see his Dad, he read up on the cancer, he knew it was fatal, what kind of bum refuses to come see his Dad? He only came home for the last month his dad was alive and oh yeah that son, my sister would ask him to drive her to the hospital to see her husband do you know that sloth would pretend he was asleep or just refuse to take her, can you imagine that? She did not ask him to go see his Dad just drive her there, she would call me crying I would ask for the a**'s cell phone # and call him, he would be locked in his bedroom and he never picked up the phone, what a gem he is! The other son would,while I was there, my mother was not as ill then, but he would conveniently go see his Dad like an hour to half hour before visiting hours were over and he did not go every day, he even made up crap that he could not go see his Dad because he and his wife had to do laundry, WTF??? For real????. And yes it was so tough going to see my beloved bro in law, but you go for your loved one, not for your comfort. They did the minimal for their Dad and now are doing the same for their Mom. And all the big fat loser had to do was bring my sister here, I begged him to before he put her in the AL place, but he refused because he is lazy and selfish. No way she would had deteriorated like she did and no way would I had refused to talk to her, hide her cats etc.

Debra you are not the first person to write that perhaps it would be worse for my sister to be cared for by the 2 sons, but the 2 sons never got together and hired help to see if it would be a good choice, the one w/ guardianship decided to put her away and her decline has been dramatic. My sis is 14 yrs older than me, she was like a 2nd Mom. I am closer to her than my other sis or brother ( I actually am closer to each sibling than the other siblings) but my heart breaks thinking that if my nephew would had taken the neurologist's advice and if he, his other brother and his wife had taken care of her her deterioration would had never progressed so rapidly and horribly, and now those two sons have a lot of money from their inheritance, they do nothing with that money to help my sister, they could hire private therapists to work with her, they allow her to weaken and deteriorate there ( she was always generous with her and her husband's money toward them and the daughter in law, she even helped that dil's daughter read and learn math,my sister was a teacher) and when they had a new baby my sister gave so much attention to that other daughter ( who is not related to her, she's from a previous relationship) my sister used to tell me she feared that daughter would feel left out and bad when the new baby was there so she lavished attention and little gifts on that daughter. You would think that dil would see how kind my sister was and want to help her, nope she's self centered and thoughtless. I may sound hateful and ranting here, but that is my sister who I love and it kills me she is going through so much, it's so unfair and I feel immense guilt that I cannot help her one but since I am here for my mother, I can't even just fly to go see my sister, my mother is so dependent on me it might make her deteriorate or even die ( I am not sure about that, but what if it could happen) if I suddenly am no loner here for her. Why before my mother ever got ill she was always freaking out if I did not come home when she expected me to, she always feared the worst, she always feared I was in an accident, I bet she would totally freak out if I was gone even for a couple days and no way can she travel, that would be impossible.

I hope I did not make others think I was putting down anyone who puts a loved one in a nursing home, I am just deeply distressed over my sister and she is too young to be in one and has suffered so greatly from losing her husband, to losing her mind, to losing her family and home and friends and my feeling is she is there to die and that is heartbreaking too. I apologize if I made anyone feel bad by my title I am just grieving for my sister and I bet anyone else would feel the same way about a sibling who they love so deeply who has suffered so much. I don't believe anyone would see anything positive about the situation.

Have you called APS?

It sounds like the two sons really would be bad caregivers for your sister even if they were willing. Nonetheless, since she's declining so much in the nursing home maybe someone does need to get involved to evaluate her care, her meds, and maybe even have her moved somewhere else. Overwroughtone, I know you are already a fulltime caregiver but maybe since the sons want so little involvement they would be willing to let you intervene some by phone to get some of these things to happen. Your sister's quality of life could still be improved a lot even if she remains in a nursing home, even if not that same one.

See I don't know what I could call APS about, I am not there to see what kind of treatment she receives at the nursing home, they seem to like my sister a lot there. But since I am not there to witness anything what could I call APS to report? I do not want to do that and then they take it out on my sister. My nephew has guardianship over her, I was not even allowed at one time to ask questions and get answrrs about her meds, health status, etc until my other sister asked that nephew to put her and me on the list of people who can get info ( I have zero contact with either nephew, I cursed them both out when I found out they were putting her away without first trying any alternatives and like I wrote the son w/ guardianship does not work, the other nephew does, but his wife does not work, so there were two non working people to help care for her as well as they could had hired help. But what if I call APS they go check out the nursing home, find no issues and then the staff find out it was me? See I am not saying the NH is bad ( I don't believe it is, but I am not there) I am faulting my nephew for not getting my sister the best care ever, he has money now and he could hire someone on the outside to come in and exercise her ( someone trained to help depressed and obese people) he could also look into which foods would be best for her ( everyone is different) and lastly he could rent a van that has a wheelchair lift and a secure place inside to hold a wheelchair and take his Mom out to have a change of scenery ( even 1 of the nurses there told me that would do her a world of good). But to reiterate I am not angry at the nursing home, they seem very kind, it is my nephews who are too selfish to do right by their mother and she , again, is too young to be put way there. No one can imagine how heartbreaking this is unless they have a loved one who they truly love very much who is going through this. The guilt is immense so is the sheer hatred and anger for the 2 sons who ignored my warning she would deteriorate in a NH or any facility that was not her own home. Too bad I did not inherit money like they did, I would have her home and hire help too, I thought when I heard they inherited that money they would take care of her. The guardian jackass son, I had asked him that if I won the lottery and paid him 50,000 a year to care for his Mom in her home would he, he said, "Of course I would!" well he lied, he has that $50,000 a year now.

Starrysky I have not spoken to either son since they put her away, I cursed and screamed at them I was enraged at their selfishness.
I don't know how I could get her help in that NH because when she first went in there I asked if I could speak to the dr, a woman, who works there, some aide or nurse told me, "You ain't gonna talk to her, she is doing her rounds now and she's not going to stop to talk to you." So I said, "I did not necessarily mean talk to her at this ,minute, could you please leave a note for her with my name and phone number so she can call me back and I could talk to her?" she said yes, I never heard back. I was pretty disappointed that she could not be bothered to call me, I figured she is the type of physician who feels they are up here and people like me are down there so she is not going to lower herself to talk to me.I did noyt want to call for her numerous times fearing it would agitate her and she would transfer her annoyance to my sister or make it so that I cannot talk to my sister ( I call her every week, numerous times and I always fear the staff will get annoyed since they have to walk to her room or wherever she may be placed and hand her the cordless phone,I just don't want to make things negative for my sister there, I fear if they see me as a pest they will not be nice to her because they get annoyed or frustrated.

Now with that dr I had a list of questions all ready since I actually thought she would call. I read up a lot about health and medicine and from great sources ( The Mayo Clinic, The Cleveland Clinic, John's Hopkins, NIHM, etc. I wanted to know if the ammonia levels in her blood was ever checked ( that can cause brain issues if the levels are too high), I wanted to know if they looked into whether her meds could be causing more confusion , I wanted to tell her that she really got confused once she was put on diabetes drugs ( Metformin and Glipiside, which I read, in some people can cause mental issues like memory loss and confusion. I had mentioned that to that nephew before my sister was put away, like many months prior, I said couldn't he ask her drs if she could be hospitalized and put under constant monitoring where they lowered the dosages or took her off them for a short enough time to see if they were causing brain issues, he never did it); I wanted to know if the dr could give her intense physical therapy to get her walking again, and I wanted to tell her all that my sister had gone through from losing her husband to being put in 5 different facilities in less than a year and that I felt a huge part of her declining mental health was from unresolved grief and deep depression; I had a long list of questions besides these previous ones. I had it on the table right by the phone and was hoping she would call. When she did not.I asked my other sister to talk to the guardianship nephew to get him to ask that dr those questions since he can stop in her office there and of course the pile of wasted DNA did nothing.So all I do now is call my sister and talk for 30 to 45 minutes begging her to try talking, that it will heal her brain, telling her that she needs to tell them she wants to walk again, I tell her if she can walk she can come live here and I will take care of her and Mom, I have no idea how I will do it, but if she can't walk there is no way I could care for her, there are 2 flights of steps ( like 6 steps each) to get to all the bedrooms, no way a wheelchair could get up them and if I cared for her I would take her to drs, the dentist and just out to get fresh air and drive around and no way I can do that with her in a wheelchair and watch that my mother is okay by my side too, if I had two people who had no jobs and another who worked, but not 24/7 I could manage it. This has been the worst 7 years of my life starting with my sweet wonderful brother in law suffering, horribly suffering for the last 6 months of his life in a hospital, to his death, ( I miss him every day and still cry for him and have no doubt his death caused my sister's mind to be severely damaged), to my mother falling ill and changing overnight from the mother I loved to a stranger, and then my sister getting sick and now in a nursing home and having my heart torn out that I cannot see her face to face, cannot hug her to comfort her andI know no way, at her age she wants to be in a NH surrounded by all these elderly, weak sick people who I know have dementias and how could anyone improve being surrounded by so much sickness. If she were old then I might not have as big an issue I would feel she is among her peers, though I would still feel terrible she was there, but to be young and among so many who are old and sick, of course she will deteriorate. It's like putting a person who is not insane into a mental hospital and they are in a ward with very mentally disturbed people, they are there 24/7 for months and months and months how could they not become unbalanced? And I feel it is like that with my sister. this all sucks so much! Thank you and others for good advice. I just wish my nephews and the wife of one would do right by my sister, but they put her there to die, she's not there to get better and go home.

It's certainly appropriate to attempt to contact the doctor more than once. Also it is best to get the number for the doctor's office and attempt contact through that number - not the nursing home. For me it works best to have only one issue - three maximum - to bring to a conversation with a doctor. You have to keep it very focused and unemotional, "just the facts". So when you talk the doc don't talk about the horrible nephews just the fact that your sister has dramatically declined, something is wrong and her meds/condition needs to be reevaluated. I really hope somehow things can get better. Perhaps your other sister can get involved too and work with you to get some change to happen.

How did your nephews get guardianship of your sister? Unless your sister agreed, the nephews would have to go to court and have your sister declared incompetent. I do admire your loving devotion to your sister.

Are you sure if I call back and ask for the drs number and call her she will not get annoyed by me, I am not the guardian, but I am on that list to give info to. Now what if I ask her things and she says no she is not checking that and says she won't because she feels it's not an issue. The here I am right back where I was, but now will be even angrier that that dr will not do anything ( some drs are arrogant and think they know everything, if you give them advice they refuse to take it since they are like, "I'm the dr who studied medicine." you know what I mean? See I think a face to face works best. and get this way back when she was first there ( she went there because it was the only NH qualified to treat her foot wound, and thankfully it has healed, that is why she has not walked in over a year since they feared weight on it well any pressure on it would not allow healing) but when they did have p/t in I just happened to call on the day the p/t was there and he got on the phone, I asked to talk to him before the nurse gave the phone to my sister, he told me my sister was, he could not find the word, so I said, Loopy?" he said yes and he said he thought her meds needed to be adjusted, I said I had felt that for the longest time. I wish my other sister would call that dr, but eitherthat dr does not take advice or my nephew never gave her the recommendation that my healthy sister's husband got from a neurologist friend who saw the list of meds she was on and said she should be weaned off and taken off of some and with others the dosage should be lowered, none of that was done, this is what drives me mad with rage. See I am 1,000 miles away and have no say or power, not even my bro in law who's a dr gets any results. I just wish my butt head nephew would listen to advice, before my sister got so ill the other neurologist gave advice, my brother in law and sister and I did too and he ignored it all, I think he seriously thinks he is doing what is best which is nothing. They have her on meds that can cause mental issues, why put her on those if she already has mental issues? I thank you for your sage advice and concern, it is so kind of you. I am going again to try to talk my other sister into either calling that dr with questions and recommendations, or ask her husband to. I don't know if she will, she gets pissed at me for being this concerned over my sister, like I am annoying, sorry I love her, I would do the same for her. But again thank you God bless you for your compassion to a stranger I appreciate it very much and you do give excellent advice.

Debra the one nephew did go to court to get guardianship and see in my heart of hearts a lot of my sister's confusion is from her husband's death, she did not handle it well at all, I know it shocked her, he was a very healthy strong man, I know seeing him so weak all those 6 months, wasting away before her eyes were awful for her mind too. Now she decided, I know it sounds crazy, but after he died she said he was coming back, it was awful, she would set a date and get all excited ( no one could tell her it was not true, she would get so upset and say, "If this is the only way I can deal with his death, let me do this.") But the day when she swore he was coming back would come and go and she would go into deeper despair, I cannot imagine the toll that took on her mind. And she kept setting new dates. I get wanting a loved one back, I can see the hope, but to believe it, that is tragic. I feel John's death completely ruined her mind. He was everything to her and he really was a special, great guy! I just spoke on the phone last night to a friend of mine, we both met at the univ my brother in law taught at and he said he was one of the nicest if not the nicest professor at the univ, he said he never said no to helping students to understand mathematics, he would on his off time help students, he was just so kind and good, when he died we lost an angel here. My sister knew fully well she had a special man and to lose him was too much. She even freaked out at our father's wake, she just cannot handle death. But after John died she went crazy and I believe deep inside lost the will to live. Her son knew she did not handle the death well and then she was diagnosed with the diabetes and that is when I saw a lot of confusion, I have a book called Drug Muggers and it details the side effects of various medications and Glipiside and Metformin, 2 meds she is on, can cause brain/mind problems. I wish someone would just reduce the dosages or take her off them and obviously monitor her blood sugar levels, but check to see if those contribute to her issues. I do not trust the diagnoses all drs make, it is too easy to say dementia when other things can cause dementia like symptoms. nd what a tragedy it would be if she could get better by changing meds or doses and running various tests like the ammonia test and getting an MRI to be positive nothing else is causing her brain issues.

Oh thank you for your nice words about my devotion to my sister..I feel terrible like I write she is 14 yrs older than me I was born to much older parents, and my sister there used to always say, When Mom and Dad die you are going to live with John and me." Sometimes she would say that in front of John and ask him if that was true, and he's nod and smile and said yes. the guilt I feel that I cannot be there for her is immense sand my heart breaks for everything she has lost. I can't even have her here in a nursing home, I called places to see how much it would cost to have her here the prices are outrageous! But if she were here in a nursing home at least everyday my mother and I could visit her and hug her, but I still would want her home with us, I just cannot take care of two one is stressful enough. Thank you again Debra

No matter what the age a loved one is, putting one in a nursing home is most stressful, no matter what age nor what degree of helplessness.

I know, because I had to put my aunt in a nursing home and she was 95 years old at the time! She had fallen and couldn't walk anymore...She lived about 200 miles from me...I am the one she put in her will....

We both hoped she could get to where she could leave the nursing home. She has always been indepent..never married...strong willed..very intelligent...

Assisted living would not pay..she is Medicaid and was Medicaid when she entered the nursing home. All she has is the land where her trailor home was. It has been totally destroyed by gangs and is now a heap of nothing but trash, and hopefully can be hauled off or even burned.

It will be three years since she left her home. During her stay in the nursing home she has received excellent medical care, love, compassion, visitors, etc. She looks better than ever....But it is hard giving up independence, no matter what age..giving up a life style you love, giving up privavy, giving up being outside under a tree, giving up worldly possessions, etc, is hard.

She and I both understand she can no longer live anywhere else. My husband has Alzheimers and I have Power of Attorney over a friend who is going blind. My aunt realizes all this, and knows this is how it is. Thee staff all love her and she is treated with affection, humor, and love. I do feel guilty that she couldn't or can't return to a home that no longer is there, nor would be safe if it indded was still there.

We all do the best we can and that is about all we can do without so much guilt.
Marymember

You absolutely did right by your aunt, I just know my sister would not had deteriorated if she had stayed in her home and her sons had hired aides 9 with her money) to help care for her. I had even asked my nephew before he put her away anywhere to take her to the Y to do water aerobics, he claimed they would never accept someone with confusion or dementia, I called the manager at the Y in their town, he told me of course she could go as long as she could stand up she could ( back then she could stand up and walk) he said they had classes for people like that and that they did not even have to follow all the moves, he said whatever they did was exercise and the socialization there worked wonders, of course my useless nephew did nothing. I mean I exercise my mother, we play catch with a ball, I get her to color, use blocks to create whatever she wants, all I asked that oaf to do was get my sister to the Y, I bet it would had been so good for her. she does really nothing at the nursing home, I asked last week if they had her doing any kinds of exercises, the nurse I spoke to asked people around her and told me that no she didn't. see why I think she is there to die? I am sure she is so depressed she refuses to do anything, but surely they can figure out ways to get her interested. I get my mother interested in things, sometimes I have to keep prodding her, but I keep at it until she does things, I don't want her mind to do nothing. I even feed her the most nutritious foods, lots of fresh veggies and every morning she gets a big bowl of berries and a protein drink to start her day. I just fear that my sister has given up and the NH figures there is nothing they can do with her apathy.

And that is great how the staff treats your aunt, I have spoken to various nurses and aides when I call my sister and many say they adore my sister too I have no issue with them, it's just the thought that my sister is just doing nothing, not getting better, only deteriorating and I know if someone worked with her one on one she might very well improve, my nephews have money now they can hire someone to help her. And I think having been exposed to so many ill people with dementia has helped her mind deteriorate as well, how could it not? In the various places she has been in, except for her hospital stay I have heard people screaming, or babbling incoherently how awful to be around that day after day. In the latest NH I have heard the babbling and weird noises some woman, I guess her roommate makes, I could not stand hearing that day after day after day. I only hope my nephews go through what my sister is going through, but tenfold, let's see how they like it.

I would not feel guilty about your aunt, she is older, falls and like you wrote her home is no longer safe, she is in the best place to tend to her needs.

I asked about APS since you seem to feel that your sister has been "put away" inappropriately. If she thinks she's been "put away" and you reinforce the idea with her, then yes, she wil deteriorate. If , on the other hand, you, who clearly love and can influence your sister's frame of mind, tell her "sis, you're in a good facility,the staff are there to care for you and help you heal. Participate in the activities and exercises, maybe you'll be able to move here if you get mobile again", it might benefit her.

I meant by her being put away inappropriately that her sons and daughter in law could had been kind and compassionate and chose to get together and take care of her, she took care of all of them, the daughter in law too, she was always buying things for her daughter, helping to teach her scholastically, and she let them all live in her home when her husband was alive and they paid nothing, no rent, did not buy food the wife didn't even offer to clean the house, they lived like royalty there. The other son he lived there too paying nothing, sleeping and smoking pot or playing online games, what a loser.

Oh no way do I ever tell my sister anything negative about her being there, I just tell her if she works at getting better she can come home to live with Mom and me, on occasion she cries and has said, "I miss Mom!" or "I want to see Mom," there is no way my mother could handle flying down there to see my sister, it takes hours, waiting for adjoining flights to go to where my sister is.

I swear I do tell her how the staff says they love her and that I know they treat her well. I sent chocolates on Valentine's Day and flowers on Easter thanking them for taking such good care of my sister ( I write daughter too since they are from me and my mother). I also tell her everyone has suffering in this life. I would never say anything to upset my sister like that, Sometimes as soon as they put her on the phone she is sobbing, I always tell her tears are not going to make her feel better and I remind her she is a laugher not a crier, I tell her she has a great laugh and I miss it, I try to crack jokes. I compliment her telling her she is so beautiful with her bright blue eyes, tiny cute nose and her perfect full lips. I do try to lift her spirits. But I also tell her not to listen to anything bad her son says about her health, I tell her he is not an expert) after all prior to putting her away he was telling her a lot she had dementia, and that devil knew she feared getting dementia, what a great soul. The atheist hoarder neighbor told her she had dementia too, that swine is one to talk.,

But I tell her to tell the nurses she wants to walk again. But you know I don't think I have much influence over her. I also tell her to pray to God, that He will help her, one time she said, "I don't know if I believe in God anymore.: that was so sad since she always had in the past. when she came here 2 years ago we all went to this beautiful religious shrine that she really enjoyed. A woman there , a stranger gave her a big hug when I told that woman my sister's husband had died and was not handling it well, that woman cried a little saying she lost her husband too and knew what she was going through. I always beg my sister to talk to me, I tell her it will heal her brain, I send her gifts, and very pretty outfits, if she has to be there I want her to look lovely. I send her cat books, she loves cats. I send little religious items too. And as stupid as this sounds I tell her I am playing the lottery and when I win she's coming here in whatever condition I will just build a handicapped accessible home, but a van a wheelchair can easily go up in and down out of and I will hire a live in nurse and I really do play the lottery, yep I am foolish, but what else can I do to try to get money to bring her home and also take her to the best drs? and I say, If I don't win, you have to try to walk so I can care for you and Mom." I love my sister and so desperately want her to come here.

But I need to ask the nurses what activities are offered to my sister so I can tell her she should engage in them. I only asked if she exercised.

Dear Overwroughtone,
Thanks for the encouragement. Even though my aunt is in a nursing home, and even though it is not spacious and as private as her home was, she is very fortunate to have a room-mate who is intelligent and talkative..too talkative to suit my aunt.
But in the nursing home my aunt receives physical therapy six days a week, and a handicap van is available to take her to all doctor appointments, of which I, too, can ride along with her.
Her sister, who turned 100 last month, is coming to see her in about a month. This sister still lives in her own home and has no arthritis. She looks like she is about 70, and barely needs a walker.
When asked how she has lived to be 100, she quickly answers.."I don't drink; I don't smoke; I don't run around with older men....but look out for the younger men, for they can't catch me". marymember

overwroughtone, first, would you PLEASE stop referring to entering a nursing home as being "put away." That sounds like something you might do to a pet with a terminal condition. I hope to heaven you don't use that term with your sister, and I would greatly prefer it if you didn't use it here. My mother is in now in a nursing home and I assure you that none of us "put her away." I think that is an obscene term and I am offended by it. You apologized but you keep using it.

Second, you obviously have a huge load of anger. This can't be doing you any good. For you to be so continuously over wrought can't be doing your mother any good. And, unfortunately, it isn't doing your sister any good. You need your emotional strength for yourself and for your mother. Being a full time caregiver is a tremendously stressful (and rewarding) job. You need to take care of yourself. I hope you will see a counselor or therapist to help deal with all this anger. You don't deserve it. Get help.

Thirdly, your nephew has guardianship, appointed by the court. This means your sister is not competent to make decisions in her own best interest. Those of us who are regulars on this site have seen post after post of a caregiver despairing over not being able to get their parent to take care of themselves. If your sister refused to see a psychiatrist, if she refused to take anti depression medication or anti anxiety medication and she refused to cooperate with her diabetes care plan and she won't exercise or take physical therapy or attempt to lose weight, if she refused to let "strangers" into her home, that is a very, very hard situation for the caregiver or guardian. I can understand the mental health hospitalization. Sometimes this is done to evaluate medications and to try to get the patient on a stable regimen that could be continued at home of in a care center. Sometimes a suicide attempt is behind the admission. But it can't be just a whim of somebody who wants her out of their hair for a while. There must be a serious reason. Similarly, nursing homes do not admit residents just to satisfy a guardian's whim. There must be medical need, and it has to be the kind of need they can address. Your sister really and truly needs lots of help. Her guardian's assessment is that it is more help than he can provide at home. Please accept this. Help her be happy and to know that you love her very much, right where she is.

Fourth, sounds like at this point your nephews refuse to talk to you. So you are hearing from your sister. We know from our own experiences and from readings each other's posts that the word of a person with mental health issues or dementia is NOT reliable. They often focus their misery on their main caregiver. We caregivers get accused of all kinds of things that are not at all true. (You are very lucky that your mother does not do this with you. Is she mentally competent?) If Sis is accusing Nephew of something specific and you can't determine whether it is true or not, that may be when it is appropriate to call APS. But placing his mother in an appropriate care center and visiting her regularly is not abandoning her or abusing her. You would prefer that he takes care of her, but that is not his legal obligation, and it may not even have been possible. APS can't help with that.

Do what you can do for your sister, given your distance and your lack of authority. Talk to her. Send her cards, and the occasional bouquet. Encourage her to cooperate with efforts to improve her health.

Let go of what you have no control over. That includes where she is and what her sons do with their inheritance.

You are a wonder daughter to care so much for your mother, and a loving sister. You deserve some peace.

overwroughtone, from what you wrote about your sister, it sounds like she is where she needs to be to receive good care. It may not be what you choose for her, but it doesn't mean it isn't best. There are different ways to care for our loved ones. An important consideration in caring personally for them is if we can provide everything they need. If the answer is no, placing them in a good facility that can is the best choice. From what you wrote, it is what your nephew did. Just as you were not able to care for your sister alone, they were not able to. I hope that you will be able to deal with your anger. Life is not fair and sometimes people become very ill. They need help. Your sister is getting that help. I hope that you can find peace with that.

Jeanne I don't see the term put away when putting a person into a nursing home is offensive, And I never apologized for that term I apologized if I made anyone think I was insulting them because they put ;loved ones into nursing homes. I am obviously writing about my feelings, you certainly can't be telling me you are going to tell me how I can and can't feel are you?

I dpo not show my anger to my mother and uhh she is considerably older than me, almost 50 years and EVERYONE tells me what excellent care I take of her and everyone always says how great she looks as well as her health is wonderful and I attribute part of that to my great care for her and constant love. And my sister never knows my anger, I call her always to get her to talk, to get better, to know she is loved.

It is interesting you seem to think I have this intense constant anger, which btw I don't, you don't know me, do you judge all people this harshly, that can't be good for your health. People I know understand and agree with my anger toward my useless nephews, I have yet to meet anyone who says they sound like great sons. As a matter of fact many people I know question how they can put their mother away as that she took care of them when they needed help, as infants, adolescents and even as adults. Thank you for your concern for my need to have therapy, but I don't believe I do, it's funny you are the only person I know who ever told me that. Isn't that interesting, people who actually know me, see me face to face, talk to me on the phone and it is a lot of people, not one ever told me I had anger issues and needed therapy, Everyone seems to get my anger at my nephews who betrayed their mother by putting her away into a nursing home, that is my opinion of what they did, she did not go there on her own, I begged them not to yet they put her away and they first put her away into a mental hospital.

Yes my sister was incompetent, but did she need to be taken out of her rightful home and put away from the world ( she is stuck there, her sons do not even take her off the premises once in a while to get a break), you are deciding that my sister refused to take her meds ( not true), refused to exercise ( not true, my nephew refused to take her to water aerobics, he was too lazy to exercise with her) refused to whatever ( he could had easily hired aides, I even called a place where they live called Home Instead who work with mentally incompetent people, they get them to bathe, they give them companionship, they play games with them, they get them to exercise and according to the woman I spoke to what they do is send a person over and see if they and the patient click., if not, they send a new one and keep doing that until they find a person the patient likes and she assured me they train their aides very well and many become well loved parts of the incompetent person's life. My nephew refused to use that service and my sister gets $5,000.00 a month as well as had two annuities that he ran through, he also lost her home. No my sister never was the one who did not like strangers in her home, she is quite sociable, before my nephew put her away at the 4 different facilities ( not including the hospital) she made friends with people and in her home he had a friend of his take care of her, a woman she never even knew, but she was not telling that woman to leave. You are making a lot of suppositions not knowing any facts. I NEVER said my sis is in that nursing home by some nefarious ruse, of course she can go into a nursing home, my mother could too, my father could had, but my father never did and my mother never will, as long as I am alive she won't.. Surely you know of people who could easily go into a nursing home based on need, but their family chooses to care for them at home instead. This is where my angers stems from my nephews had no desire to care for their mother at all. There are like I wrote before three adults, the 2 nephews and the wife of one, the wife and the nephew with guardianship do not work, they have never or hardly ever held jobs, they have all the time to help my sister out.

Again you are wrong it is I who refuse to talk to my nephews, I cut off all ties when she was put into the AL, I still spoke to them after the mental hospital trying to talk sense into them to take care of her. My other sister talks to them, even exchanges gifts with them, I want nothing to do with them, in my book they are useless, selfish and rotten. I always say if I get money and bring my sister home, they will NEVER be allowed in my home, if my sister were to improve under my care and taking her to excellent drs, she could see them whenever she wanted, just not in front of me and if she was still ill here, they could see her but I would have family members be in the home with her while I leave when they are there. There is no forgiving what they have done to my sister.

Again you are wrong, my sister never says anything bad about her sons, before she was put into the various places, yes she called me crying saying "j" her son wanted complete control over her." I thought she was just being paranoid, to this day I am not sure if that was a delusion or real. But my sister loves her sons, I suspect she either forgives them, or is so deluded she does not realize what they did. I never brought up APS someone else on here mentioned it. I have never felt any need to report my nephews, but I have the right to be angry they have no desire to care for their mother and Iwas 100% right she would deteriorate in an AL or NH and yesss she sure has, prior to going in she could talk, she could walk, she could feed herself, in less than a yr of being out of her home her health dramatically changed, actually I would say within a month I saw her change, we used to talk on the phone, now only I talk, she says if I am lucky one sentence, I am positive being in these facilities created a deeper depression than the one she had over her husband's death. I think I know better than you how much my sister changed and it was fast and it is heartbreaking.

I appreciate your advice nd kind words, but no way if that were your sister and you were close to her, no way would you be like, Ahhh who cares if her sons refused to be there for her when she needed them most. Who cares if she has deteriorated so dramatically in such a short period of time." If you loved your sister and this was going on you would be livid and despise those sons of hers. I am a very passionate person, have an intense sense of right and wrong and I am so pissed when others do not do the right thing, but the easy thing. See you are on the outside looking in, you really have no idea what this is like unless you are going or have gone through this. I begged my nephew to bring her here rather than send her away and he refused and he knows his Mom would not had deteriorated here, she would get hugs and kisses every day like my Mom gets, she would be given things to do to occupy her mind ( like my mother does, I havebought all kinds of arts and crafts and games and books to keep my mother's mind active and she would had been given very nutritious meals ( I try to always give my mother a well balanced diet and vitamins as well as I keep her well hydrated and I take her to really good drs who are not only excellent drs but are so loving and kind to my mother and I know she is safe here, I know she is never left alone where she can feel lonely, right now we are right across from each other.

I do again appreciate your words, but again if you are not in this situation you really have no idea what it is like, I may come off as this angry foot stomping woman, but in reality I am quite loving and do enjoy being funloving, it is just my nephews who arouse this anger in me, who knows perhapssomehow I will get money, maybe earn it through whatever means I can from my home and then I will bring my sister here and all will be good. But let me have this anger at my nephews, let my negative energy flow to them, let me hope they get no peace in their lives since they have done nothing to deserve it.

But wow you know on here I thought people would be more understanding of my feelings, it's funny how different people online are from people offline are. The only person who tells me to let go is my other sister, but to be honest she never really liked our sister, they are 2 years apart and the healthy sister always had bad things to say about that sister and it's funny the sick sister only said things that the other sister was wealthy and she envied her, and to me that's not bad, it's flattering to be envied, it's bad to dislike your sister though. Thank you again for your words.

Shakingdust you do realize that part of my intense anger toward those nephews is their inability to do the right thing. And I am not saying they would be taking care of her 24/7 they could hire aides to help out, they could ( like I told that 1 nephew, call local churches who often have devout ladies and some men who volunteer to sit with and visit ill people, where I live at the local senior citizen center there are ladies who do come visit sick people in their homes, I told my nephew about that. As well as since my sister was a teacher ( she had to take an early retirement when she damaged both knees, that was mostly in part from her obesity), but I told him to contact any teacher's organizations to see if they knew of any retired teachers who liked visiting ill or homebound teachers). I am angry at the apathy the 2 nephews have, what is the big deal to do anything to see if anything helps? Rather than because of one bad week, yep my nephew had one bad week where my sister did some weird sliding down to the floor move and he had to call the fire dept to come help life her up) she did it for one week and that was it, he was done, ummm DUH get bed guardrails installed, DUH!

Believe me when I asked my nephew to bring her here she was able to get on a plane, why merely 3 months earlier she and he flew here and stayed with us for a couple weeks. Back then she was mobile. And as far as bringing her home now, if I had the money, like the nephews had, I could charter a private plane, she is wheelchair bound but not hooked up to any machines, and if I had money I could buy/build a handicapped home. It's so ironic I play the lottery like a moron in the hopes of getting money to bring her home and look who ends up getting tons of money and is too selfish to help her with it. What cruel irony!
I think I have the right to say I wish my sister had aborted her sons rather than bring into the world two selfish swine. And for your information I am against abortion, though I do not yammer on about it and try to shame anyone who had one. I believe God is the judge, not you or I. And I am glad you are so judgmental but I believe God is quite angry and disappointed by my nephews after all one of the 10 Commandments is To honor they mother and father. There is nothing about abortion unless you put it under the commandment Thou shalt not murder, but if you do isn't eating meat being an accessory to murder, isn't using antibiotics a form of murder as that you kill living bacteria? Isn't setting up ,mouse traps murder? Or is murder only abortion and killing people already alive? And it is quite hilarious you chose to write what you did to me I happen to be verrry good friends with family who are the most devout Catholics I ever met, their knowledge of Catholicism is astounding, as is their compassion, they really seem to get my anger at my nephews, now they do tell me I need to pray for my nephews, but it is very difficult to pray for those who have done wrong. And one of my neighbors was here this past Sun on Divine Mercy Sunday saying the rosary and prayers to my mother and me, thank god she is not like you, I do not see much compassion, forgiveness or godliness in you, sorry I don't

I get when people are upset like me, I comfort them, not judge them and I certainly do not try to make them feel worse when it is obvious they are hurting.

well yet again I see going online is a huge mistake. I will take the people I know and ones I meet offline any day. Here I thought I would have people to commiserate with, but no I received judgment and some rudeness as well.

Let's just hope you who have been so boorish toward me and uncaring will not have someone you love get put away, taken away from their home and your heart breaks for them.

well I have learned a good lesson here, this site has some nice people, but it has others who rather than help a person and let them have their hurt and disappointment and yeah anger on here and just try to make them feel better,. they decide they will make them feel worse. I thank God I am not like that! And thank god people I personally know do not act like that to me. Thank you though because you people do make me appreciate how blessed I am in my life by all the kind hearts I know. And seriously like I need this crap from strangers? I don't think so. Just remember this phrase, There goeth I but by the grace of God.

Jessie I could care for my sister alone, I care for my mother alone, but no way I could care for both my sister and mother that would be impossible. And actually before my nephew put my sister away he, after watching my mother said, "Is she always like that?" after she acted up, I said, "sometimes." and he said, "I thought I had it bad." so you see my sister was not as difficult to care for as my mother is, yet he still refused to do it and his other brother and his wife never attempted to help out either, but they sure did not mind holding their hands out for money whenever they could get it from my sister ( who never said no, she even before my mother got ill, asked my mother to send them money, which they never acknowledged nor thanked her for). But if they had all gotten together, hired help and lived with my sister, yes some families do that, she would never have deteriorated like she did and hey she might had improved. I believe family takes care of family, my sisters side of the family, us, we always have taken care of family, it's a shame her sons did not learn that from us.

and I have no issues putting people into nursing homes when caregivers just can't cope or the person is too ill to be cared for at home, I have issues with people who have no excuse to not care for and hire help if necessary to take care of their loved ones.

But I am done here I was expecting people were going to act like my friends and family do about my nephews, I did not expect it would be somehow turned around to me that I am so angry I need therapy and people would be almost defending my nephews. I'll stick to talking to people I know and even strangers they sure show a lot more compassion than I got here. But yeah there were compassionate ones, Chicago comes to mind, but I hope those judging me never go through this, if it were your beloved sibling you would never be reacting like you do here, you would be devastated and yep angry. Well bye I think I will from now on talk to people I know and strangers and just write my feelings in my journals, like I need this crapola, nope!