My horrible nephews put my sister into a nursing home, they live 1,000 miles away, I take care of my elderly mother who needs 24 hour supervision and attention so I cannot, sadly, care for 2 ill people, if I could I would. I had begged my nephews not to put their Mom away and instead come here and we could all take turns caring for her and my mother, I obviously would still care constantly for my mother, but on occasion I could care for my sister as well as long as they did most of the caring or whatever they could do to help her. They flat out refused. I told my useless nephew, the one who made all the major decisions that if he put his Mother ( my sister) away she would deteriorate, the narcissistic oaf said, "Not necessarily." and has she ever deteriorated, she can no longer walk, nor feed herself, nor bathe herself, nor dress herself, I call a lot and she barely says one full sentence. She cries on occasions, My heart is broken for her. And she is NOT old, she is by far the youngest resident there ( the nurses all have told me that). But I feel like she has been sent there to die. I care for my mother and it is so hard, but it is the right thing to do, I am young, healthy and able, my nephews are both even younger than me, the jackass , the one who made the decision to put her away is a lazy no job holding ass , I feel he loved that he had some power in life by making every decision about his mother, and every decision was the worst possible and most selfish ones, He and his brother inherited hundreds of thousands of dollars ( from their late Dad's Mom who btw they never did anything for, they never bought her gifts even though she sent them 500 and 1,000 on birthdays and Christmas ( can you imagine their greediness and selfishness?) It is sickening to think they have all that money when they did ZILCH to deserve other than share their Grandma's DNA that's it!. The least those two selfish swine could do is pay to get my sister physical therapy so she will walk again, get a great nutritionist to feed her the healthiest meals, rent a handicapped/wheelchair accessible van and just get her out of there once a week, ( I asked 1 of the nurses if she can leave the grounds she said yes, it would do her a world of good , but she would have to be in some kind of vehicle that a wheelchair could easily get in and out of), but nope those two unfeeling slobs do nothing, they ohhh wow visit her maybe twice a week for wow maybe an hour a visit, but they do nothing otherwise. But I cry thinking that my horrible nephews sent her there to die, obviously she is going to die there among tons of other sick people and strangers, no matter how nice that staff there is they are not her family who knew her so many years like my dirtbag nephews and shared life experiences with her. I read of Belle who wrote way back wishing her mother was dead, see for my nephews I wish the hell and sadness they put my sister through, and the added stress and sadness I have as a result they get tenfold. It is so sad to see how quickly my poor sister deteriorated simply because two selfish curs ( mutts!) have no desire to give her the freedom and love she gave them. She should had aborted them! I wonder will they care when she dies all alone in that cold nursing home?
By the time my dad went into the nursing home - he was very sick. He wasn't taking his multiple meds properly (he refused my step mom's help), he was sleeping and eating odd hours (refused my step mom's help) and stank to high heaven (refused to bathe and brush his teeth, my step mom couldn't "make" him).
I visited him several times after a fall put him in the nursing home. What a difference immediately - good color and stronger and no stench - he was finally being taken care of to the level he needed. My step mom tried so hard because my dad refused to go to the nursing home. But he was hurting himself by refusing her help.
I do not judge anyone who decides that they can no longer be caregiver and that their loved one finally needs nursing home care. I usually see people waiting far too long to make this call.
Also - who says person A has to give up health, social life, sanity to care for person B who needs a higher level of care than A can provide?
Well. Every one of us will eventually need a place to die in. It's a question of whether it's somewhere that is equipped and staffed to cope with what you will need at that stage, or whether you'll be lucky enough to "cease upon the midnight with no pain" - or unlucky enough to be far from help when you could really do with it.
Money gives the elderly better options. I know if I put my parents in a nursing home there wouldn't be a specific person watching at all times and my dad would fall. Medicare benefits should follow the patient regardless of where they spend their final years. Unpaid family caregivers save our government over $525 BILLION dollars each year that would otherwise go to assisted living and nursing homes, etc. If Medicaid is cut to the extent outlined in the current Senate healthcare bill, nursing homes will be out of reach for so many people. 70% of Nursing Home reimbursement is from Medicaid. If this concerns anyone who reads this, please contact your state senators to tell them how to vote. General number is 202-224-3121. Easy Peasy!
Finally, this may sound crazy but it works. I recommend praying for your nephews every single night even if you don't feel it in your heart. Eventually an amazing change of heart occurs, relieving you of resentment that often robs your peace of mind. I found that forgiveness is less about the offender and more about being able to move on with your own life. I hope you're doing okay. You're an awesome daughter and sister. You should be very proud of yourself.
There is no right answer sometimes. We all do the best we can.
It also occurs to me: we all will eventually need a place to die. You can do a lot worse than a well-run Nursing Home.
Yes, PT is physical therapy. At first I thought it was "part-time". If you see SO, it means significant other. Some use DH, which means "darling husband".
I hear your frustrations. It is hard to get use to the abbreviations. I'm not much of a cell phone user so its even tougher for me. I would see things like smh and think what does that mean? Shaking my head, I found out. I try to write out everything I can, but I know when some posters reply a lot, some short cuts are handy.
What was the upside?
What times you have been through, Damita. I'm so very sorry. Do you have supportive people around you nowadays? - friends, neighbours, co-workers, other parents living with autism?
Some of us have NO CHOICE but to place our loved ones there.
I'm 61. My neck and back are bad from years of being a nurse. I'm still working but in a limited capacity. I am an only child.
I had to put my mom in a memory care facility because I have to keep working to pay the bills. I also have physical limitations on picking her up, etc.
WHY would I want to throw my back out, be on disability and not be able to care for anybody? She deserves caregivers who can properly care for her.
Mother, in stage 6 Alzheimer's, took to getting naked and urinating on the floor, also screaming at the top of her lungs at 2 am. The landlord wasn't pleased, to say the least!
What was I supposed to do?
Am I horrible for making sure someone can lift her in and out of the wheelchair?
Am I dispicable that she's watched 24 hours a day?
Is it unspeakable that she's in a place where the doctor visits her in the facility the SAME day she gets sick?
They can do more for her than I can.
She will die (probably there) and I'd rather it be where she is well cared for by 3 shifts of rested staff members than by a daughter who has no reserve energy to care for her "special needs".
No one will make me feel guilty for my decision. In my eyes, I had no other choice.
Mom had medical professionals around her 24/7. They caught her pneumonias, her pleural effuesions and her UTI's and for the most part were able to treat her "in house". There were MDs, both internists and psychiatrists on staff. Podiatry, dentistry, audiology and ophthalmology came in every few months.
Was it perfect? Nope. Was it better than home? You better believe it.
I won't (can't) deny you your thoughts and feelings BUT we are entitled to OUR thoughts and feelings also.
We speak from our experiences with our loved ones in the nursing and memory facilities. You can NOT deny that our loved ones are well taken care of because you're not there.
I think your generalizations are racist and demeaning. I guess you feel the same way about the fast food joint where you buy your burgers? And the hundreds of other jobs that employ people of different nationalities that don't have college degrees?
You obviously don't understand that medications given to patients have to be dispensed by a nurse or med tech. That requires schooling. It also requires verification of citizenship, as does ANY job applied for in the US these days.
Get off your "hate" soapbox and wise up. LEARN what is required to get a job here.
Go troll somewhere else.
I would also like to say, people "decline" from lack of love.
An Ombudsman once told me, that patients who do not receive regular visits from ANYONE are more likely to suffer from abuse in nursing care facilities. Just watch some undercover camera footage on Youtube of what can go on when no one is looking and when people know that there will be no one to ask questions about the bruises and broken bones.
My father DID die alone in a nursing home and each time I think about it after 25 years my gut hurts, I cry and I ask him for forgiveness for leaving him to die alone.
As a former CNA no Resident died alone. If we had a Resident who was actively dying, that Resident had their CNA’s 100% attention. If family was there, we gave them their privacy, checking in to make sure they had water, coffee, whatever they needed. All Residents received the same care whether they had visitors everyday or none at all, Self pay or Medicaid. We would have been shown the door if we had done otherwise,