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i feel for you. I am sorry that you are going through that.
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This is an old post but appropriate and reminded me how detrimental uncontrollable anger and hate can be for all involved. I hope sometime in the last few years you point your judgments toward the person you are hurting the most--anger can be terminal.
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In our case, it was the opposite: She was waiting to die while she was at her residence. Her mental and physical decline while she chose to sit in a chair all day (sometimes didn't even get up to use the restroom) was startling. She had limited funds to pay for caregivers & the ones her insurance provided were very limited quality (i.e. somewhat lazy and not the greatest people in general) and very short-term. I did my very best to provide care, but it was not enough. We would have needed to make a schedule for Mom's care and everyone would need to take a shift (and show up for the shift) so that we're covered 24/7 but that idea fell on deaf ears. Other family judged and criticized me up and down. People are very good at stating what they do not like, but then there's no analysis on how to really make it better. I even got an email from a family member stating that Mom would be "bedridden" if I did not start doing even more than I was. It was strongly-worded and had a threatening tone - quite alarming to receive something like that. Of course, the email writer did nothing to help- other than point out what she felt my shortcomings were and then state later on that she had given me "so many ideas" on how to make it work! On the flip side, now that Mom's in a nursing home things are so much better that it's hard to believe it's the same person. She sleeps through the night. She goes on day trips. She attends church and other activities within the facility. She has friends. She gets off her rear end and participates in therapy as well. She's better now than she's been in years. She's got a chance at life now.
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jeannegibbs Jul 2018
OTE, my mother was well-cared for by my sister in my sister's home. It was a good year of "assisted living" level care. But when she needed nursing-home level care and we moved her into a nursing home, she absolutely blossomed! She loved not having to bundle up and go outside to get her hair done, or her toenails seen to. She loved having people her own age to visit with. We were truly amazed. She participated in activities. Our mother! Who knew?
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I agree with OverTheEdge17 above. Sometimes a nursing home can be the best thing. A very dear family friend, elderly and had scoliosis all her life, could barely move around around in her very old, tiny, almost unheated home. She had one daughter who sometimes helped.

Eventually the daughter put her in a nursing home. Our dear friend had warmth, good food, proper meds, and company. She put on weight. One of my sisters who visited our friend in the nursing wept afterwards saying it was so hard to see her in a nursing home. I said, "Why? She looks great and she's cared for."

Though our dear friend passed in the nursing home, I'm relieved for her that she didn't die cold and alone.
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OverTheEdge17, when you say she goes on days trips? Does Nursing home provides day's trips? Is is something special? My understanding was that in nursing homes they only provide some care but not an entertainment. Am I wrong?
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jeannegibbs Jul 2018
Yes, you are wrong about nursing homes. My mother's nursing home brought in live entertainment, had all kinds of activities, and had a medi-van (that could accommodate wheelchairs) for outings. Perhaps that is not true of all NHs, but my mother's had mostly Medicaid patients and was hardly deluxe. They looked after the physical and emotional health of their residents.
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The nursing home my mother spent four years in provided many forms of entertainment and things to participate in. She was well cared for through the worst time of her life.
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jeannegibbs Jul 2018
Daughterof1930, that was our experience, too. Mom's NH provided lots and lots of opportunities for entertainment and participation. My mother's roommate did not take advantage of any of these things. My mother did nearly everything offered to her. I don't regret at all having her in that environment when we were no longer able to provide the level of care she needed.
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