Nursing home neglect! My mothers is in ICU, now what?

As someone mentioned earlier, what happens when you're there is probably very different from what happens when you're not. During Edna's last stay, I made sure I was there for all but two hours of daylight hours. And, during those two hours, EVERY SINGLE assurance I was given that certain things would be done .. were NOT. Not to mention that they utterly ignored my observations that she had something wrong with her throat .. she ended up with the worst case of thrush lesions the doctor had ever seen. The staff LIED about checking her throat and tried to pass it off as 'failure to thrive' from depression.

The next time it was recommended that Edna be admitted for an SNF follow-up from a staph infection (from a ruptured bile duct), the family (and us, her caregivers) utterly refused. We knew she'd do better at home.

I went to visit my dad at the NH in time for dinner last night. His colostomy bag was visibly expanded with air & poop through the shirt covering it. I often have to drain the colostomy bag in his room because if I ask the nurse or aid to do so they will say "yes we can take care of that" Then they don't move. If I had waited for them to do it he would have had to miss dinner in the dining room. I could have gotten there 15-30 mins earlier to wait for them to do it instead of me but why wouldn't I just get there in time for dinner & go ahead & do it myself instead of waiting 15-30. Now that they have seen that I go ahead & do it they are purposefully removing any receptacles from the room (like the pink throw up pans that I would use to drain it in so I am also having to bring receptacles from home or else once again I would have to get there an hour early & dad would have to wait for relief. Now mind you neither the aide or nurse is with another patient while we wait meaning they are only intending never to do it or just too snooty to do so under orders or me watching. Now I take him down & drain the colostomy using the lined trash can since there are no pink pans. I can do this while he is in the wheelchair so there is no transfer needed into & out of bed which would require bringing the walker in from the car or waiting for help that never comes. After dinner I decide it is too early for bed at 7 while they are trying to put everyone down so I ask dad if he would like to go for a ride & he says yes. So I tell the hall nurse I am signing him out. Now mind you this is a Saturday. I take him out often for short trips & since I am POA they know better than to ask where I am taking him. But this nurse doesn't know protocol so she asks where I am taking him as if she can say no which would mean I would be calling 911. Anyway so I take him out in the car, we drive to my eldest son's non-accessible apt. Nothing in the DFW area is truly wheelchair accessible. Nothing. Anyway, it is 40 degrees out & of course begins to sprinkle once we are out of the building. My son (his grandson) came out & visited through the car windown in the cold. I asked him if he would get in the backseat to visit a few mins out of the cold but he wanted to stand outside. It picked up dad's spirits & he started talking more than he has since October. So when we are done I go back to my house. I get him a cup of hot apple cider & a cupcake. We go back to the nursing home. The thing I forgot to do was transfer him into bed & change him to a dry bottom. There is now baking soda all over the passenger seat to dry the layers of urine. When I returned him to the NH I pretended to go home so that I could catch the aide in the act of changing him in the room. They would not have done it til they knew I was gone & now I know why. They stood him up by the bed. Pulled down the sweatpants when I saw he had a pullup on over a diaper. Even the sweatpants were soaked like the car seat. I asked the aide if he had put the one on over the other & he said no. He was the only aide on that room from 2pm to 10 pm. This was 9pm. I had taken him out at 7pm. So if the aide was not lying then the diaper & pullup over it were done before 2pm which means he had the same soaking wet diaper on from before 2pm to 9pm or 7pm when I took him out. Either way it is 5 hours or 7 hrs. Which is presumably why he had a diaper then a pullup so that if he ever got too wet for the diaper his skin could still break down but at least they wouldn't have to change him. Now I could report this to the state like I have reported each past facility at least once. And in every single case & there are many the state always finds in favor of the facility. And in each & every case the state rating of the facility has increased so that more will put their parents there. Now I had spent a day at the doctors at the hospital. Her office is in the hosp. towers. The doctor mentioned that the facility was not providing proper skin care. Now of course the facility does not have to follow any of her orders or scripts because she is not on contract with them. Another lovely state law. Anyway, Dr. Hammack sent back a piece of paper detailing how she wanted his arm skin tears cared for. I handed it to the hall nurse yesterday. She said thank you. Last night before I took him out he was bleeding all over his shirt the arm of the wheelchair, and I went to the weekend supervisor & asked if they could bandage it & had they seen the letter from the doc I handed in & the answer was "I am sure someone saw the letter". She the sup was not aware of it. She sent the hall nurse to bandage it. However she wanted to make sure that I knew my dad had a right to remove the bandage if he felt like it. In other words they may have been trying to keep it bandaged & he was removing it. She didn't know if that was the case or not but it might be. And also it was more likely dad's fault since he does run the wheelchair up & down the hallways with his feet which means wandering which means he's nuts & they don't have to care for the skin I guess.

Either way he constantly moves nursing homes because I try to get him decent care & when you improve on one thing by moving him something else is given up. Reporting to the state does not do anything & can actually make matters much worse. This is the 2nd car that the front passenger seat will not have anyone wanting to sit in it. I should have gotten the walker out of the car. Transferred him into bed, changed him into clean bottoms. Transferred him back up into the chair, transferred him into the car. Unless of course I wanted to pretend to leave the property so they would care for him. I have to say this is the first nursing home of our journey that will not provide care while they know I am on site. It is a strange problem. Any other NH I have had both parents in have done the care I asked for within a few mins. or at the most right after they are finished what they are doing. Now I have not seen this dry butt problem during the weekdays. I can try to speak with the wkend sup but I am sure she will blame the double duty no change all day diaper thing on dad too.

Many caregivers have discussed this problem of why the state never wants to cite a NH for wrongdoing so other elderly can be neglected. The thing that I hear most often is that there is money changing hands. Since money is the only God nowadays it would seem more likely that something would find in favor of the patients if there weren't money lining the pockets of the state investigative body. I would assume also that that is also why the state is so eager to get the complaints. More money in the state coffer. I do know these are never surprise visits from the state. Someone knows when they are coming. And with all the paperwork you see, there is never any that would support neglect finding in favor of the patient. The money wouldn't be in it.

There isn't even documentation the state demands the NH's have that states exactly which payor source the patient is being admitted under. At least not in TX. You have to take the word of the admitting facility when they admit as to which payor source they are in the bed under. In other words medicare (100 days) or NH medicaid so if the patient has both & pres. has had a qualifying 3 night stay & the bdg. says we are taking him medicare. Sends him to PT, OT & ST daily. He continues the growth in PT that allows for Medicare to pay out. As patient rep. or patient you have no paperwork proving that the fac. said he was medicare. I have now had a fac. not include the 3 nt stay in the medicare claim. Now medicare has rejected the claim for the 30-60th day. Either medicaid will have to cover pt, st, & ot & bed or they will have to re-submit. Either way there is no state ordered paperwork backing up what the fac. agreed to admit him under. There is however crafty paperwork at admit I had to sign stating that if for any reason medicare/medicaid didn't cover (for any reason) I get to pay. Otherwise he couldn't have stayed there. All state sanctioned. Now this is what I am paying for so he can bleed all over the place & have his skin breakdown.

Now you ask why don't I bring him home. I live in a 2 story manor style house with both showers up a flight of stairs. Nothing in a young favored city is wheelchair accessible. Truly nothing. Even my son's first floor apt. is not accessible for disabilities. Too many curbs. His condo is a 2nd floor one with no elevator. IF there were money for another abode he wouldn't be on medicaid. So they get to bill me while I am using them for room & board & basically live in there to care for him.

I am sorry but you have opened up some pent up anger I don't usually have time to think about.

If you think my case is unusual or it is this particular fac. you are wrong. Around here in this area aged healthcare is a big business. This is very very common. Caregivers speak of it daily. I still to this day wonder why ppl not having exp. NH care continue to recommend fac. for any type of patient thinking it will be better for the patient than the 1-1 provided by a loving family member. Had I not started out on this journey in 2010 spending them down for NH medicaid sold as the greatest thing since pizza & beer I would now have better financial & community resources to take him home to an accessible home. I can assure you he would never sit in urine for 5 hours unless he was sleeping & I didn't want to wake him.

I felt for all comments. Going through similar situation again at rehab again! But this time I reported them to police, state & elder abuse. Have sitter on days I am not able to be there. It has affected my health negatively. I think I accidentally hit a report because I fell asleep on iPad. Please ignore. Today I was shocked at the response I got from head nurse who has been hiding the gross neglect. I was even threatened as if an employee was going to try to get physical with me after I again saw them neglecting & a using my mother & her roommate who are left in their waste. Now my mother has a severe UTI again which is what happened after hospital refused to admit her ( when her urgent care dr. told me to take her there after seeing him 4 times) that sent her there. Last year the rehab infected her with c-dif two more times, I pulled her out & she was c-dif positive. They had moved someone in without cleaning the room. I also called the elder abuse hotline. They had a employee die at last rehab that caught c-dif. We must get a petition together about we the caregivers trying to protect our loved ones & the corruption of these places. It reminds me of the movie the snake pit or concentration camps. The smell is so bad it is gross when you walk down the wing my mom is own it knocks you down why they smile & tell you my mother's roommate has strong urine, the truth is she has not been changed in 7 hours which I let her family know. Today no one there to help her & I was sick. Maybe from touching the laundry covered in urine & excrement. Even after I washed her jeans, I had to again, because of the smell. There is no other way except to sue them. The theft is ridiculous. The co-administrator is a good guy. But the staff hide things from him. I pray I can get through to him, but caregivers need to start a petition to our legislators, the senators, & the White House. This is a human rights issue & it is killing the caretakers too. I will put a bullet in my head before going in one of these places. And I tried getting home service I paid for which was horrible. I got ripped off, & sent untrained workers that kept me up all night, ate our food recorded shows on our cable, left glasses stuck to our furniture, broke an antique chair & barstool. It has been a nightmare. I had 1 lady out of over 20 something that was good at her job. This is because they do not want to pay a good wage or pay to train them. CNA's have less training then a dog groomer & a nail technician. I had to get cameras in my home. If a child was left in its waste without being given its medicine or properly hydrated the child would be taken away from the facility, it fined & shut down & the persons responsible put in prison. The aarp has sued & won a large amount for chemically doping residents which is called chemical restraints, & you cannot do. The government also fined & pressed criminal charges against a nursing home corporation. They did not like their Medicare benefits taken away.

I apologize for type o's

God bless you honey, I am right there with you. I just got off phone to the state again. My mom is in rehab. Had a serious urinary tract infection, got another one from them not taking her to the bathroom, leaving her in her waste. It has been h*ll on earth & like the state worker said they act on their best behavior when they come because they have to announce giving them time to cover up & not seeing what happens on nights or weekends. I am sick but I have been a tiger trying to help her. We have to organize all of us. This is a human rights issue. If I hear one more dr. try & defend the nursing home industry I will vomit. As if they do not have enough money to do right by the most precious & defenseless of society. I am sick like you & had my mother walking. She has regressed due to the neglect even with me & a sitter up there. I have reported them to the police. I will not stop until I get not just help for my mom but all residents. I will shoot myself before I ever go into nursing home care. Unless you are very well off & by the way watch like a hawk private services that will send untrained people you cannot trust into your home. I had hell with that & I was in the home with them keeping me up after my mother got c- dif from a he hospital then 2 more times in rehab. It was unbelievable. If we do not change our health care we are doomed as a country. My mother has worked since the age of 13 & to see her cry makes me want to really hurt these disgusting excuses of work. I could not hardly believe a worker started to yell at me & try to threaten me. She got thee physical message very quickly backing away that she was fixing to get hurt. My adrenaline was pumping so hard I was not going to hit her, I was going to out her down. And she knew it. I cannot believe that my mother who asks to be taken to restroom but is afraid of staff has been left in her waste when I come up there. Her roommate was left for 7 hours. I told her family who were shocked but have not seen them. This is causing major problems with my fiancé but if he thinks I will abandon my mother then I will go ahead & end it. It won't be pretty as he knew exactly what I am about & he has pursued me & I did not want a relationship. So after years of telling him if you get into one with me & then act as if I was not honest with you about my Heath & my situation with my parents then I will make you regret ever bothering me. I was there for him when he was going through a lot of crap. I don't mind but do not think it will be ok because you are tired to give up. Heck I am exhausted & very sick. I lost my only sibling abruptly to cancer. He thought he had pneumonia. Have not had any time to deal with that & it is a mess, the bitch in the place I have my mom told her my brother was dead after I said under no circumstances was she to know. I guess some people have a death wish. I have had it so I get your pain. I just prayed for you in that I saw your post was old. I so hope you are ok & everyone dealing with these nightmares do not think you are alone. We must write & scream to the top of our lungs to get humane treatment for our elderly. God bless you all.

I wrote that the worker who thought she would test me that I was going to take her down. Do not let anyone intimidate you. I have been trained to defend myself & to threaten a client was just beyond anything I was expecting but my worker was there & said now they know you won't put up with any crap. I worked with horses as a trainer. I was about to out her down like a dying animal. I could not believe I was threatened like we were in some street fight. Lucky for her there are cameras there. Since then I am feared because I called the police & reported this to the state. Good! I will be there today & if my mother is doing bad, God help them & God be with me. I am hanging on by a fingermnail. All I do is deal with this. I have no life & laugh at articles telling caregivers to take care of themselves. Ha! I feel like my fiancé & I just say hi & give a hug here and there. I know why my sweet aunt who ended up dying a terrible death after taking care of my grandmother. She was a caregiver to everyone. You do have to be careful but when you see this & deal with it you feel as though you are in an never ending nightmare. I have intractable pain & nearly died myself wondering oh, no I can't die yet, Lord what about my mother. No one is here to take care of her but me. May Jesus who said what you do the least of them you do to me, be with us all. I am a very sweet person but this experience has made me see people lie, do horrible things. It has changed my trust. And you cannot trust people & that is unfortunate. We are seen as the bad guys for caring about our loved ones. Imagine what would happen if you neglected a baby or child. Please sue if you must because that will make them think twice before hurting or neglecting another patient. Do whatever it takes to protect your loved one & yourself. I soldier on.

People can get UTIs due to neurogenic bladder and other things besides hygiene neglect, but that said...that place sounds like just about the worst facility ever. Do you have options of getting your loved one out of there??

I lost my mother due to the neglect for proper care and mis-diagnosis from a nursing home. She was there for 2 1/2 years and even though in the beginning we had problems they did seem to be very attentive to her care. I then trusted them with the care of my mother. She had a massive stroke and could not walk, talk, or communicate in written form or verbally. She lived life in a wheelchair and had low quality of life really. My sister and I had to choose a nursing home as my mother had to have 24 hour care. I did watch her in my home for 6 months prior but the care from me got to be to much for one person to handle as I got no help from other family members. I had no choice but to find a nursing home that was close enough that we could visit every day. It was 8 minutes from my home and we visited 6 days out of seven. We knew everything that went on with her, we also sometimes took her to our homes for day visits. She had two issues within a year where she came down with not breathing with penumonia where the nursing home had to do CPR and she survived.. Second time was aspiration pneumonia and she survived. Third time they told us she had mild pneumonia and they were treating her, she did not even look sick to us and we trusted the docters and staff. They said she did not need to be in hospital, we believed them. They were docters and nurses and we were not. Within the next week we watched our mother have breathing issues (which was blamed by them saying it was because of the breathing treatments we are giving her). We asked numerous times if she needed to be in the hospital, they said no. She seemed like she was getting better until we noticed her stomach was swollen, they said it was a bowel issue. The next day we demanded she be taken to ER. Upon arriving at ER they had said that her congestive heart failure was so severe that they could not even tell how bad the pneumonia was. She lasted a week in the hospital and then passsed away. The negligent care she received, the mis-diagnosis of CHF I will never understand WHY they did not put her in the hospital. They as docters and nurses should of known all the warning signs that were given to her health. They ignored the fact that proper care and earlier diagnosis would of saved her life. I have tried 11 lawyers and no one wants to help me. Because of her age (80) her health issues and low quality of life she had, no one wants to fight this. I also reported the incident to a state agency and because I waited too long they had already had their inspection and found nothing wrong. But they took a life away because of their ignorance and not caring for human life. They took my mother from her family because of the mis-diagnosis of idiot docters and staff members. I will fight as long and as hard as I can for nursing home reform. They should not be able to get away with things like this EVER. I have found comfort though in knowing my mother would not of wanted to live the way she had, but she would of if given the chance. That chance was taken from her because of negligent care. The emotional trauma of watching my mother's health decline is something I still to this day cannot get over. It did not have to be this way, it should never of happened. Someone has to put a STOP to nursing homes and their neglect of our elderly citizens in this world. Their lives matter............

Hrdromatic, so sorry to read your story. I just lost my mom also 3 weeks ago. She hadnt walked or talked in over 5 years either.
XO

Sorry for your loss Reverseroles, it is such a tragic times in our lives when we loose our parents. Especially when I believe it was not in God's timing but at the hands of monsters with no care for human lives. Be strong and have faith, God will be there for you with prayer, he has helped me through it.

I am trying to find out some information for my neighbor who has a mother in a nursing home and he received a phone call saying his mom had passed away, he told them at work he had to leave and take care of arragements . He went to the funeral home to make the arrangements. After he did all that he called the hospital to see what he was suppose to do to release his mother. Well much to his surprise they told him a room number his mother was in. Very happy about that but what that poor man has had to go through,grieving process had started ,taking care of arrangements,taking time off work, and then to be told that the person who called him had made a mistake. Well I'm sorry but what that poor man had to go through already,and then when it really happens to have to relive it all over,that is awful. I'm writing this to see if anyone knows how he can be directed in the right direction for support and answers to how to deal with this.,Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Cases like this are so sad. Since the patient can't handle problems herself, start by documenting every single thing you see and then speak to the head person. State the problem clearly and insist on a satisfactory answer as to what will be done to correct the situation. Follow this up with a WRITTEN DOCUMENT. When something is in writing, it is more likely the staff will pay attention, especially if you send copies to the higher ups. I know from experience this works. Then follow up within days as to the resolution. Also call your state's HOT LINE - every state has a hot line and you can call and speak with someone. Possibly the state will come in and do something. You can call the state's governor's office and as for the contacts to call for help. Never, ever give up - until the problem is solved - the squeeky wheel will be fixed, trust me on that. Good luck.

There are big differences in quality of care at NH's/ rehab centers. Dad was in one, and they worked his tail off. But he got well enough to come home and then really improved. Unfortunately, 6 months later, he got a UTI at home, and had a fall while I was shopping. He re injured some old compression fractures, then chose a different NH because he didn't want to be pushed so hard. I pleaded with him to move back to the one he had been to months earlier, but he didn't want to. The result was that they didn't push him, put him in a wheelchair because he complained of pain when he used his walker. He never got out of the wheelchair they put him in.

Oh, I feel so bad for anyone stuck trying to deal with anyone in the medical profession with elderly parents. I learned the hard way that you cannot trust them. You have to be involved every day all day....in which case you might as well have them at home.

Complaining does nothing. I did this in writing and in person. The result? Nothing was done, nothing changed.

Mom was mistreated in the hospital last August. I demanded in person to know why they were holding mom against her will and mine. I demanded to know what medical reason they had to keep my mom day after day. Even though I am both her medical proxy and her power of attorney...they ignored me. They were preparing her for a move to hospice! I demanded to know what medical diagnosis gave her 6 months to live. Never got a response.

After a week of this..I brought mom her clothes. She dressed herself and was half way out of the hospital before I caught up with her. Never to this day have I gotten any answers or satisfaction The next day I found deep bruises all over one side of mom's body. Never got an answer from them about what happened.

I wrote to the hospital patient advocate. I wrote to the state health department, I wrote to the state council on aging. I filed complaints with the state, the hospital, even Medicare. Not one word of explaination, not anything changed.

Never again will I allow strangers to have control of mom's care. Never again will I allow that hospital to get near my mom.

I have heard so many people say that NH are so much better now than years ago. I doubt it. From what I have seen and heard they may have remodeled to look better, but they are still a factory churning over minimum wage help and warehousing elderly.

My mom is the easiest sweetest person you could know. Never will she be cared for by strangers...and never in that situation again. I'd have to be dead before it would happen to her.

I cannot image the heartache and anger you are going through! I am upset even today at the mishandling of my Mom, and it was nothing compared to the mistreatment you and your mom suffered!

I hope you will one day be able to find some peace.

One simple word: lawyer! There are lawyers who specialize in helping victims of nursing home abuse and neglect.

Call your State Bar Association right away.

Briefly tell them you have an elder who has been neglected in a nursing home and you need a lawyer who works on contingency. They will give you a lawyer. You call that lawyer and tell what happened like you did here. Provide any and all documents to prove the nursing home mistreated the patient. I strongly agree with you on not putting our loved ones in a nursing home if they have memory loss. I saw another patient being abused in the wing so I understand. Had that been me grab and shaking around, I would've become violent right there on the spot because as an abuse survivor, I don't tolerate abuse and I will fight back hard to make up for all the time I was abused during childhood because never again means never again! Let abusers working in nursing homes  be firmly warned right here and now! There are some people who won't tolerate abuse of any kind and they will make a stink if somethings wrong and some people won't shut up and will get very loud and hateful  if you try to shut them up. Some people know how to get a hold of the right channels and get you in trouble, and with video surveillance now common, you won't get away with abusing no one in those places. Tamper with the video and you'll be found out sooner or later and you'll get in trouble

Thank you lighted pumkin and all others who are aware of Nursing Home Abuse and aren't afraid to state it. So many families are paying huge sums of money and money or not, abandon their LO, dump them off. They have a blind eye to what is really going on. I've seen this with families who keep a schedule of visits. I was staying with my Mother as much as possible in P

continued from above... . . . in Personal Care. It was as bad or worse than in many ways as seen in above answers. I hung in there as the retaliation for my speaking up got worse and worse as I was taking Mom to Specialists, calling the Agencies. documenting everything and keeping notes. The Agencies were a big disappointment. Their were some instances of helping o pretending to be concerned for Mom but the PC Home is a chain and has a relationship with them.: ie., help for Mom was overshadowed by their politics that the PC facility played upon. The Administrator bragged that she was not fearful of lawsuits because the courts were stacked in her favor. One Agency person had a moment of truth in an emotional blurt out to me that she agrees that the PC Facility was making up lies about me and she agreed that I should remove Mom. I am grateful even though I will never made that an issue or ask her to be a witness. She has a job and I do not want her to be retaliated against. We moved Mom. I was scared. When they cut my hours down to 4 hours a week my son told them that we were moving Mom as soon as we got a room elsewhere. Mom is now in a very nice Assisted Living Facility. They are a loving community and make me welcome. My son has friends who work here. Mother is healing from her Nursing Home Abuse. I am here every day to see that she is safe, does not fall, exercises, I keep track of her fluid intake, get her dressed, assist her at meal times and most important give her lots of love and security. More needs done to make the public aware to not take a LO's well being as being looked after, family needs to get more involved.

Anywhere in the healthcare system you have to be on the top of your game.
An avocate for the patient is absolutely essential. My life was saved several times by my hubby who happens to be retired MD in a teaching hospital with a good reputation. Never will we set foot in that place again. They even tried to transfer me to a rehab facility while I was still in acute heart failure. I insisted on going home and three days later was admitted to a different hospital.

Sorry to hear of all the negative experiences people related here. All nursing homes are not evil. Please try to consider that the reason for placement was due to some increased disability or post hospital stay. People do not go to nursing homes because they are healthy! Nursing home didn't cause your relative to get old and frail. The patients are at the end of their lives. The nursing home's job is to keep the residents as well and comfortable as possible. Of course they must also be sure to treat those conditions that are amenable to treatment. Also the staff must work to prevent infections and accidents. If you are able, research various NH before placement. Look at your state's nursing home survey and ask others about experiences. In my state, nursing homes must keep a copy of their most recent survey available to public.

Sorry to hear of all the negative experiences people related here. All nursing homes are not evil. Please try to consider that the reason for placement was due to some increased disability or post hospital stay. People do not go to nursing homes because they are healthy! Nursing home didn't cause your relative to get old and frail. The patients are at the end of their lives. The nursing home's job is to keep the residents as well and comfortable as possible. Of course they must also be sure to treat those conditions that are amenable to treatment. Also the staff must work to prevent infections and accidents. If you are able, research various NH before placement. Look at your state's nursing home survey and ask others about experiences. In my state, nursing homes must keep a copy of their most recent survey available to public.

Experiencing some of the same situations as you. What state are you do you reside?

I was very lucky my nurses were great my mom could not walk at all she had to be transferred with hoyer lift. I was lucky NH was 1 mile away. I became friends with the staff. I am also so on ssd spent every day with her after I complained some aids were removed from taking care of her but many loved her .she had been In a very abusive situation with my sister. My father passed on Xmas day 2015. I went and got her into great place Jan 19 2016 .I was always there.at least my dad left her enough money to have this great care. She passed. Peacefully on March 29 2017. I was blessed but I do understand the neglect in many NH. Her hospice team was great they call still to make sure I am ok. There are good places but her care was about 10,000 per month but we'll worth it. My heart goes out to all of you. God bless all of you residents nurses and of course all family caregivers!!!

First, just breathe. Get yourself together and visit your mother often. Getting her a telephone in her room so she can call you. Landline is best with no three-way, long distance etc., like $15 a month. Elderly can't really use cells, too many buttons and too small. My mother is 80 years young and cannot walk after a blotched double knee surgery and 10 months in a nursing home for "rehab." She can stand and pivot while holding on to something. I have a hospital bed for her. Next to it is a portable commode. This is behind her door where I have a shoe rack. In the pockets, I have disposable chucks, pull-ups, baby wipes, baby powder, vaseline, gloves, and small garbage bags. Everything goes in the small garbage can. I took the one arm off the bed and lowered the toilet arm so she can slide or have no obstruction. She can stand and pivot. She is relishing in the freedom, yet we have done extensive talk on being independent. She will wear a top or gown but no bottoms. It's enough for her to stand and pull down, which I usually just tear pullups down one side to make them fall off of her. The nursing home is all about the bottom line. The wrong audience to vent to. Best of luck to you.

I dunno. My Dad had surgery last June and has been in a nh every since and has had issues. I just moved him to a nh closer to me and I visit him 3 times a day. I just can’t lift him and he is getting rehab which I could never give him.

Something needs done about Nursing Homes and the ability of Senior Care Facilities to get away with the same garbage treatment of the elderly. The worst situations described in the above in the Question and the Answers is what my Mother faced in a rogue senior facility. It was difficult getting Mother out of there.  I complained of injury to Mother when they took over her health care decisions when I was (and still am) her POA of Health Care. They injured her, forced her out of her I.L. Apartment, compromised her health time and again through negligence, bad attitudes, intentional bad acts. The corporate culture was to lie. Mother went from Independence to near blind and close to death. I was drug through the mud and my hours were cut back. Mother had many falls on her head when NA's brought her back to her PC apartment and stuck her in front of the TV instead of taking her to the bathroom then tucking her in bed. I put up signs in her apartment for that and the Glaucoma eyedrops they were supposed to give at least 5 minutes apart and schedule of drops they didn't follow.  Visual hallucinations  were the last stages before blindness in Glaucoma patients.  When I would ask for medicine for constipation,,, I was ignored for two weeks before they would act.  Also was coping with sexual harassment towards Mother by a maintenance man, A Nurse out of a horror story,  I have been writing bout such things and much more to Aging Care. 
           My son put in more hours with Mother  when I could not. It cost Mother over $120,000 in 11 months with hospital stays, overlapping I.L.  Health Care, Personal Care charges, $25.00 per hour charges for Nurses Aids to stay with her overnight when my hours were cut back. (her yearly expenses at the facility were $35,000 per year before their attempted takeover) I was drug through the mud. We got Mother to a Senior Facility in the same community as my church and a home my son and I own for over 30 years.  Mother's eyes are damaged but stabilized. She can walk on her own around the apartment but for distances uses the wheel chair.  She stood in church with the congregation to sing hymns this morning.   She has greatly improved and in the 10 months we have been here, her mind and awareness has improved, she has not had a fall, a hospitalization or any major health problems. I am always by her side or my son or a Caretaker is with her. She started out in Assisted Living but is now in IL with permission for me and Kitty to stay with her. My Dr. in an Office in the Community advised I go to the Administrator, that he is very nice and to work that out. His Father stayed in the same facility. He had me use his name.
       Mother had an outstanding 100th Birthday Party this month. We are blessed with a loving family life, friends and community. Mother, myself, kitty and my son and his wife is the most supportive family experience of our lifetime. If Mother outlives her money or gets too close to that, I would like to take her home.   It could happen in 4 or 5 years. My brother, cousin and a threat made to me to make Mother a ward of the state if I ever try to take Mother home while at the rogue facility worries me. Mother wants me to stay with her for the rest of her life. Staying with her comes first. I want her to know how much Jesus loves her through my demonstrable love for her. Will be asking questions on Aging Care about future responsibilities.  Thank you for this open forum.

I worked in nursing homes for many years and at each facility there were family members known as "one of those daughters." (90% were daughters!) These folks had demands that were unrealistic because of the regulations we had to follow, the degree of illness of their family members, or the amount of staff available. It's not fair or right but sometimes making too many complaints means that the real problems are dismissed along with the unrealistic. Sadly, it is also not unheard of for staff on the floor to take out their frustrations on the resident whose family has yelled at them or gotten them in trouble with management.

Now my stepmother is in a SNF with advanced dementia and I am trying to walk the fine line between getting her the best possible care and not being one of "those" daughters. I think that it helps that I know how to look up the current state regulations so I know what is required and what is prohibited. I have also reviewed the reports of the facility's deficiencies in the last survey to give me an idea of what to look out for.

Also I am careful to treat the staff on the floor with respect; they do hard, dirty, and thankless jobs for less money than the work should be worth. Requests or complaints should always be made first to the person who is directly able to help. Sometimes this is the nurse, sometimes the social worker, dietary supervisor, housekeeping supervisor, etc.

I'm not saying that I'm satisfied with poor care; she needs to be kept clean, dry, and fed all the time, not just when I'm looking. I just get along better with the staff when I try to understand their point of view.

Elderly people get UTIs and pneumonia...that's a fact. Dementia patients don't dye from dementia, they pass from secondary causes such as pneumonia, falls and infections. The staff in most nursing homes work very hard and go the extra mile for their residents. You are angry because you feel guilty about putting your mother away. I have seen it for years; the kids coming in demanding extra attentions for their parent that cries when the kids leave because they didn't want to be put away in the first place. Seek counseling. If you truly had evidence that there was neglect, you would have gotten a lawyer by now. Peace...