Nursing home roommate assignment. Any advice?

My Mom (97, blind from macular degeneration, but until recently very mentally bright) has now had 4 roommates in the "intermediate nursing facility" she's in. She ended up where she is following a broken hip & wrist and numerous problems with an abusive rehab/skilled facility that physically damaged her badly and then 10 months with hospitals, surgeries, and other facilities and MRSA).

The biggest problem in the home she's in now has been "mean" stuff. The first "roommate" is supposed to be in a double room, but wants a private, so historically she is beyond nasty to anyone they put in there. She's "lucid" but incredibly abusive, so they have to move the new roommate out and she gets her wish for the "free"private. The second died, which was of course upsetting... The third was actually friendly with Mom and wanted to be in the same room, but the rooms are set up very poorly, with the division set up horizontally, so one "half" has the back with the window, corners, privacy while the front half includes the sink, storage, on one side and the bathroom taking up room on the other, with the bed sort of in between. Everyone has to go through/by that section's bed to get to the back part, or for that resident to go outside of the room. Her roommate eventually got angry every time Mom wanted to leave the room because she had to move (in wheelchair) to let her by, or people going to Mom's area had to go by her. She got abusive (nasty, calling Mom names, whacking her with a wooden back scratcher, barring her from leaving the room). Mom has some mild dementia now, and would tell me what was going on, but (I'm ashamed to say... I guess sort of like the Mom who doesn't believe her child when told of abuse?) I thought it couldn't be true. (Her roommate loved me and was as sweet as she could be!) Finally the woman across the hall was concerned, took me aside, and confirmed what Mom was saying.

I addressed it with the home, and they said they'd take care of it. However, the same woman told me again a few days later that it was worse, and this time I told the management that if they didn't remove the roommate I would call Sr. Protective Services and report them. She was out the next day...

Her roommate now is very quiet most of the time (except she snores horrifically :)), not very "present", basically bedridden (they use a lift to get her into a chair for meals, etc.), and mostly nice. She's actually gotten very attached to Mom and almost dependent on her (gets upset if I take Mom out because she's afraid she won't be back), which is kind of sad because Mom isn't as empathetic as she used to be and thinks she's kind of a pest...

As far as noise and peace & quiet in general - forget that! There is a memory-care facility next door (same owners) and when someone there has a medical problem, they transfer them to Mom's facility for care. If the medical problem doesn't clear up (or, I suspect, if there aren't any rooms available at the memory care facility) they stay in the nursing home. (They've told me the State no longer allows them to transfer people with memory and physical problems to another facility because they call it "patient-dumping").

Mom does get upset (sorry - sad, but true?) at people wheeling up and down the halls banging on walls, crying out, screaming or yelling, grabbing at people as they pass by, or old ladies giggling and crooning to baby dolls. When Mom first went there, she acted out like never before or since, and tried desperately to get out - wheeled in and out of other rooms, tried to make a break out the front doors, repeatedly yelled for me, knocked her meds out of the treatment nurse's hand and spilled water all over her... She was totally panic stricken! They let her call me, and it was so pathetically heart breaking! She begged me to call 911 to save her, to come and get her out, etc., said if I didn't come quickly I'd never see her again... When I got there (I brought a friend she knows, also) it took us quite a while to calm her enough to find out what her problem was. She refused her meds with us, too, and finally told me "if you love me at all, please don't let them give me the Dumb-Dumb Zombie pills!" It broke my heart, but I could understand.

I truly feel so sorry for people who have lost - or are losing - their loved ones to Alzheimer's or other dementia-based diseases (I've had friends lose their parents and know how horrible it was for them - it's actually a double loss), but it is really upsetting to people who are still lucid... The last chapter so far here, though, is that after a year in the facility, my Mom now has very short term memory, becomes confused frequently, and I fear is on her way to the state she fears the most... So, again, my heart is breaking...

Please understand as a studying NHA I can tell you that you cannot demand her roommate be moved thus tramping on her roommates rights and ethical code. You can however ask that your Mother be moved to a more suited room, or can pay the extra dollar to have a single room (if available).

As an Ombudsman, it's pretty hard for me to determine the facts after the event. You should have immediately demanded the head nurse and not let it slide, not let the poor woman sit in filth.
Please go to the bulletin board in the facility and write down the state hotline number for complaints. The next time this happens you say "If you don't clean her up in fifteen minutes I call the hotline." Make the call if you have to.

Call the Ombudsman assigned by State Law to the facility to look into this situation.

my mother's roommate has early onset dementia, which is progressing. Twice she has gone into the bathroom and soiled the bathroom by defacating while seated on the toilet with the lid down. That is bad enough, but then she took off her bottom clothing and rubbed it all over the toilet, then went back to bed. When aids were summoned, they cleaned the bathroom, but didn't touch the woman to wash her or put different clothing on her. My mother has compromised immune system, and these things are bad for her from a health issue, but also mentally.
What are the rules concerning these roommate issues? The woman is from a very influential family who "are pulling strings" I am told to keep her in the assisted living facility rather than moving her to the dementia ward.

Carol are you sure your mother hadn't seen something you didn't see?! :)

You are paying for the facility. Demand a room change

My Grandmother went thru several roommates before finding one that was a perfect match for her. My Grandmother was deaf and her roommate was blind. The T.V could be on with the volume turned off and the roommate could listen to her records. An unusual but perfect match. Keep after the directors at your moms nursing home. Hopefully a good roommate can be found.

You have the right to move your mom to another shared room. If it is not available, find another community who can accommodate your mom.

Spend some time today or tomorrow and document the roommate's outbursts, then do as CountryMouse suggests and turn the issue to the staff for action. State the problems, the frequency, effect on your mother, and emphasize that neither you or yor mother can do anything about this but that it impacts her mental and physical health and ask what they can do about it.

Good luck. We've had some bad roomnates, including those who vegetate in front of a tv all day long and don't even want to get out of bed to do PT.

Thanks to all.

You can always ask to have her moved. My Dad has been in a NH for going on 2 years and has had 5 different rooms. One roommate was very mean, one was very loud (coughing) so he is finally in with a man that sleeps all day so perfect match as my Dad is very quiet. Good luck it is hard for sure.

My mother-in-law thrived after her move to the nursing home but roommates were always a problem. Her issues were just her issues (she thought one large woman was a man).

I know that facilities have a lot of challenges when it comes to roommates and not getting along is an ongoing issue, but this situation is different than personality clashes.

Your mother has to put up with too much and this could contribute to her decline. I agree that something needs to be done. They either need to help this other poor woman get rest with some sedation or else your mom or the other woman needs be moved.

You'll have to stand firm on this to get them to do something. See if her doctor will back you up. If you can’t get action you could see if the long-term care ombudsman can help you. Go to ltcombudsman.org and type in the Zip code of the nursing home. This contact is your representative. If you can show that your mother's health is threatened by the situation they may be able to assist you. They are trained in solving problems for residents.

Good luck,
Carol

How is the NH proposing to deal with this? That's what you ask them. When they can't come up with a sensible answer, they will be stating for themselves that the situation is unacceptable and must be addressed immediately. Stand your ground, you're absolutely in the right to demand that your mother is not upset or distressed in her surroundings.

And the reason you haven't stood up yet for your mom and made a fuss about this is ....?????? For crying out loud, get on this.

Totally agree! The roommate should be sedated or moved until she is under control. Mother will be deprived of sleep and her condition will decline.