Mom is fixating on dental issue. Super long story, seen 4 dentists, now back to original one. Asked me to go with her this week to check color of bridge, height of teeth and more. Now she thinks the dental receptionist may use her (mom's) insurance check for her personal vacation to Spain. Oh boy.
Her untreated OCD is making everyone frustrated and now some memory loss as well is causing arguments.
I understand I should agree more to calm her yet she says I said things I haven't said. Tried to get the neighbor to go with her to appointment because "you said you were working". Etc.
How do I support her when I disagree? If her teeth aren't PERFECT this week she is going to go berserk! (New bridge). When I say perfection isn't always an option she fires back that she isn't going to settle for less!
I need coping strategies and advice. She's a widow so my sister and I are it for support. We're trying to be "good daughters " but where do we draw the line???
I might get a mental list of things to say to her that are sure fire action stoppers. Like, if she says, I must get this redone immediately, I'd stall for time, and say, but, the doctor says to heal first. No need to rush into it. If she's critical, blame the light, the mirror, the angle. Praise how great they look and keep in mind, that people with delusions usually don't let go of that delusion. You may be wasting your time trying. Disagreeing with her, isn't likely to work. I might tip off the dentist, so they know what is going on. Mabye, they can give her an appointment far out in time to give you some time to get control of the situation.
DMV said he needed a passport, (they didn’t know his out of state license was suspended for dementia) so, dad focused on “getting his passport” from his house 3 states away. After his visit with a new doctor in PA(he was sure he was going to just keep his dementia a secret and have a brand new doctor sign his form saying he’s good to drive!) the new doctor said “I’m agreeing that you should not be driving” I asked the doc to repeat it. I repeated the sentence to dad, who replied “but I feel fine”.... the doc rolled his eyes, and told him to follow up with a neurologist and cardiologist. What DAD heard was, “ a neurologist or cardiologist will clear you for driving!” Now, he’s fixated on seeing these two doctors and every day he asks about getting his license from “those other doctors” and making sure we have his passport! His OCD is out of control! When he gets something in his mind, he doesn’t take no for an answer. My next move is to video- record the doctor saying “you are NOT getting cleared for driving” and replaying it every time he brings it up- which is 30-50 times a week.
i should add he is taking Risperidone! It is NOT working at all! He’s just as agitated, OCD, moody, and demanding as ever! Maybe there’s other meds your mom could take?
They really do hear something completely different when told something. And how can we "prove" otherwise??
My way of coping is to limit contact.
I call the obsessive thinking behavior "taking the record off the shelf and playing it". They get fixated on a thought or idea and it wears a groove in the brain and plays over and over. My dad is on Celexa which does help with obsessive thoughts so you might ask the doctor to try it. However you need to know how to talk to mom because explaining and reasoning sadly doesn’t work. I recommend a thin book written by a psychologist who counsels children of difficult parents. It’s on amazon and called Learning to Love Hard to Love Parents by Paul Chafetz. He has tips on what to say. I also have recorded things to prove otherwise to my dad. The voice memo feature on my phone has recorded doctor conversations and mine with dad.
Yes, you are good daughters and it’s hard to take when they live in a fantasy world and accus you of things. Know you are doing your best and learn these strategies over coping. Bless you!
And she's been trying to give junk away, too (sometimes it's not junk, but often it is). She's been trying to go through photo albums for years now. That project has been the excuse to NOT do all (and be too "busy" to do) all sorts of things.
She should be calling home help agencies, and getting someone to help her so that she can take more than one shower/week.
It makes me miserable. I know it's stupid. (I KNOW IT'S STUPID. I CAN'T HELP IT. I won't argue with you it's stupid. I KNOW IT IS.) My beloved husband tells me my brain is trying to kill me. It surely feels that way. Celexa helps.
I suspect what up with your mom is a dementia thing. It is a way to take control of her life.
Have you tried telling her no? Or how close to perfection (perfection being a Platonic Ideal and is unobtainable) is she willing to be. What stopped my mom from continuing with her denture desire was showing her the bills. she also just didn't recognize her dentures as "her" teeth. She knew they were dentures, but the dentures looked different from what she had seen for the past 80 years. I told her they looked better than the set she was born with.
I told Mom tonight that the neurologist wanted an MRI of her brain and her response was, "MY brain???" Like, who else's brain would he want to study???? Oh, my.....
Oh, Teri, I can empathize. I would do the same as you, except that I'm not even allowed back into the examining rooms anymore. It's been 1.5 years now. My mother got annoyed that the doctors talk to me and not her. She can't hear and so didn't hear what they were saying.
So be it. I'm just the Dummy Driver Daughter, and know nothing. My mother is the All Knowing Elder Wizard about All Things. Or so she thinks!