I have been an unpaid family caregiver for 10 years. I have been subject to continuous gaslighting and abuse. I have been threatened with imprisonment, intimidated, manipulated and intentionally kept poor as a means of control.
I cared for my mother with cancer and dementia for 8 years until she passed. I had also been caring for my father at the same time through his insistance. When mom passed 2 years ago I said no more, I won't take care of dad, it's my rich nurse sister's turn. I went from working full time AND caring for 2 people, to working part time and finally now disabled and not working. My dad is very demanding of me and not of anyone else. I have lost everything, absolutely everything yet he says he wants to kill himself anytime I want to break free. I got him a therapist, I call hotlines when it's bad, I intervene to try to find help for him. Last week same song and dance. I said, dad, you aren't the only one who wants to die. He didn't miss a beat, he said don't, don't do it until after I die.
This explains also why he doesn't care about my ability to survive in my old age. He figures I won't have one. My narcissistic sister is VERY abusive. She was to my mother as well, even with dementia she would call and verbally abuse her. My father did nothing to stop this. He has said he doesn't want to piss her off because if everyones money is gone he will need her.
This is not the first time he has shown he doesn't care not even a little for my well being.
We had a hurricane a while back, I told him to go with my sister as she is 45-50 miles further inland from the coast. When the hurricane was hitting I called to check on him. I got through. He was fine, he asked about my house, I said it's pitch black outside and the water is starting to come in the house. He said ok, call you later. He waited over 5 days to call, and had a list of things for me to do for him once we spoke. People drowned and were electrocuted not far from me. Yet he couldn't be bothered. He said he was snacking and watching old movies when tv went out. He never gave me a second thought.
Tomorrow I call Dept if Aging and tell them, I have been an unpaid caregiver for 10 years. I have been abused for 10 years and I won't do this anymore.
Are there any pitfalls I am not thinking of involving the Dept. of Aging?
in. In NJ, I called The Office on Aging and all I got was sympathy. My situation is simalar,except it's my husband who I am caring for. He has become worse,meaning verbally abusive and emotionally manipulative,.along with our. 31 yr. old son who drinks. I am on disability also. I just posted a ? under Family Caregiver. My state doesn't have any solution, so far. I feel for you. If I get any answers, I will pass the information along. It's sad on this day n age to be stuck in a situation like this
I will keep trying until I get an answer. Don't give up. There HAS to be help for people like us !!
Lastly, you do no service by continuing to be a victim for these two very unkind people. I suspect the sister and dad have always been a bit like this. She chose to be like Dad, you chose to be loving like mom. So you are continuing with each other what was likely an abusive relationship between mom and dad.
If you allow these two to do this to you, know that you do not help them grow. They will only grow if they are forced to, at this point. It is called the law of emotional inertia. A Narcissist at rest will remain at rest unless life rears up and kicks them (hard) in the tail. Even then, they will resist forward movement until they have no other choice. Be that spur towards forward movement by stepping away and letting them find themselves without a victim. You have no family obligation if your family does not act out obligation towards you.
I hope that no recent responses from you does not mean that you have relented. Declare your independence. Take your next disability check, point to a spot on the map, get on a Greyhound and go. Do not leave a forwarding address except to those who are kind to you, and instruct them not to share. The rest of your life belongs to YOU.
1. Any social worker who tries to guilt you or manipulate you into staying in this situation is trying to get you to do their job. Block their phone numbers.
2. Unless you are your father's legal guardian, you are not required to take care of him. If he is as independent as he claims, he is fine. If he is not, he will quickly learn this. If APS is not in there, they soon will be.
3. Abused adult children (and you are a classic case of one) if they do not step away from abusive parents often 'snap' and end up saying or doing something abusive back. Is it worth going to prison for? It sounds like you are already in a prison of your own making. Set yourself free.
4. I agree about cutting off contact with your sister. She knows that she can put all this on you and you will do her bidding. If your father's condition gets bad enough, you can call the police anonymously for a welfare check, or call an anonymous tip into the APS hotline. If he refuses help to the point that he seriously loses his faculties or gets hurt, that's the consequences of his actions, not yours. People reap what they sow. I think its really time to 'divorce' dad, too. It doesn't make you a 'bad' person. It makes you a person practicing good mental hygiene.
5. If APS and VA are involved, take at least a six month mental health break if nothing else. Go to the park, read a few library books, learn to paint. During this time, if you make contact, you do it after informing both sister and dad in writing that you are DONE and that any negativity or shaming (call it that) will result in instant hanging up without explanation, blocking on all media. If sister or Dad show up at your house, you will have to be prepared to call the police. They are used to manipulating you, and will likely not give up unless you show them that they have something to lose.
6. People (some) won't get it. I have had elderly friends try to guilt me or manipulate me in other ways. With one, about the 30th time she tried, I told her that if it continued, I would shut down with her. It continued, I shut down. Her husband died, with whom I was close, she chose not to tell me, someone else had to do that. She now chooses not to speak to me. It bothered me, but this says much more about her than it does about me. She used to say I was like a daughter to her. Her behavior has cost her a daughter at a time when she needs friends. I grieved my loss and have moved on. You do not deserve manipulation or gas lighting.
7. Another elderly friend is very aggressive and tries to 'help' and gets mad if you tell her now. I have to strongly tell her no, and then let her sulk for a while and try to make me feel bad. When she does that, I physically (and socially) distance myself. If the relationship is important, distance makes a person consider what they might be doing to cause the distance. If the person is incapable of this, you are better off without them.
NOT easy, but you have given up 10 years of your life to ungrateful, abusive people. If you are going to have any sort of life now, it has to be because you insist on it. Start taking care of yourself today!! Let us know how things have turned out, and please stand tough. You deserve your freedom. It is well deserved. Write a declaration of independence from both parties, and walk away.
Don't let anyone bully you into staying around to be his and sisters scratching post.
As far as the check, what does the memo line say? This can be for past expenses being reimbursed, so doesn't obligate you to future services.
My parents don't know how to spell my name either, it's hateful behavior.
Are you taking care of you as you navigate the exit?
Remember, no matter what sister or dad say, their abuse negates any thing they have to say.
You matter, you are important and you deserve to be treated kindly!
Hugs!
🙂
I would inform him as well as your sister that you are "quitting" your unpaid job.
As I read other posts you have already contacted the VA. I am glad they are helping out.
Best wishes...
The next time your father says he will commmit suicide, take him seriously and call 911. Tell them he is threatening suicide. That is the proper thing to do. Call them every time, he will stop that form of control and abuse if he has to go in to a 72 hour lockdown very many times. Then on the other hand, if he means it, you will have done the right thing to get him some help. Helping a true suicidal person is beyond your pay grade.
Don't call your sister. You don't need people in your life who push you down and are unkind. Don't answer the phone if you know it is her, if you inadverently talk to her. As soon as she starts in on you, say. "Oh, sissy, I have to go, love you, bye" and hang up.
Don't give your father any more money.
(((HUGS))) you have a lot of people in your corner.
"dadisavet
14 hours ago
Thank you very much. I followed through yesterday with APS, took him to VA and threatened to leave him there, now a social worker is finally assigned. I needed to hear your post.
F"
💐🍾🍾🍾💐
WELL DONE!!! Please keep in touch and let us know how you're doing.
Life is kinda ironic some times. They loved making my life hell while I cared for my mom for 8 years. This I did willingly, I wanted/needed help but I would NEVER walk away, my mom was my everything. So I took it.
But these last 2 years I guess I was lost, grieving and depressed from mom dying that I didn't walk away. So I took it.
I am still grieving but I am no longer lost.
Get the assessment and tell them and repeat frequently that you can no longer provide any care, in any way shape or form. Give them your sister's contact information and forget you have a dad or a sister.
No matter what, nobody has the right to abuse you. You have every right to be done with them two. Go have a life of your own.
F
I have my mom in a facility because I could not work and leave her alone. I finally had to go to part-time, to early retirement because of the stress. I am now in a support group that meets twice monthly, I am attending a class that is giving me a 3" binder of materials on mental illness and how to give care effectively, and I just attended a day-long conference last week about care giving and how to deal with the ugliness of it. All of these things came about through my church, or other related churches. We also have Areawide Aging Agency in my state that has a boatload of materials, Ombudsman, assistance for caregivers and Seniors. Please consider all of these things I have mentioned and check them out in your area. Wishing you the best!
I will go one by one on your advice and pray someone helps. But more than anything I want out. I gave up everything for so long because I ADORED my sainted mother. A wonderful human being. But my father and my sister are not wonderful in any way. They thrive on cruelty and abuse and deserve no more of my sacrifice.
When all is said and done, you may ant to find out what services are out there for you. See if there is a grant where you can get ur house fixed up.
What is ur disability? Maybe if you get away from the stress u will feel better and can pick up a small job. Are u on SS? Maybe moving away would help. Here where I live are nice Senior apts. Rent is 30% of total income. Electric and TV would be ur responsibility. You could sell the house "as is".
It's more complicated, I believe, if you are living in the dame domicile and leave.
I think perhaps what you want to do is call the local Area Agency on Aging and ask for a needs assessment. You want to tell them that you will be ( moving/ are ill) and are no longer able to provide assistance for dad. You are seeking their input on what level of care he needs, you want them to examine his ability to access/qualify/ pay for care so he is not left without what he needs.
I understand the fact that you are fed up with what sounds like entitled, narcissistic, demanding behavior. I agree with your decision to walk away. You just want to do it in such a way that doesn't cause the AAA to push back.
If they tell you that you have a legal obligation to provide hands on care, ask them to show you where that is written in statute.
Dad is a covert narcissist and sister a malignant overt narcissist whose own daughter has not communicated with her since she was 17.
Dad makes sure all my money goes to his needs so I have nothing left for repairs. The flooding from hurricane rotted all the wood floors. They crumble beneath your feet. But as long as he is ok, that all my "dad" cares about.