OK to ask parent to select just one kid for all health decisions? What to say?
My parents, both in their mid-80's, currently have both my older sister and I on their DPOA and patient release forms. Complications spike when one of them faces a health emergency, and they get overwhelmed.
Family dynamics are difficult. I am the family scapegoat and have been in low contact with my family for a couple years. My parents have threatened to dis-inherit me, things have gotten ugly. My older sister, their "golden child", is their executor and trustee successor. Her oldest child is in real estate, and they recently asked him to sell their house when the time comes. So, they are heavily invested in her. However, she rarely does anything for them, rarely visits them, and when something arises with their health her go-to behavior is to call me and lay guilt and obligation that we need to work together. Working together means I do all the planning, talk to doctors, and make arrangements while she is on the sidelines demanding that I keep her updated. If she does not like what I arrange, she criticizes and gets gossipy. My parents need home care and likely an ALF, and ironically this sister used to own a home care business but asked me to do the research.
My parents love her dearly, but to me she is just a source of drama spinning and attention seeking. These dynamics are not sustainable for me. I want to drop them all and let their "golden child" earn her role. I want to tell my parents to select just one of us to manage this and communicate that decision to the other. Do I tell them, or do I just announce to them that their other daughter can take the lead, and I just step back? Thoughts? Thank you.
If it was my mom’s choice I could accept it but I found out through depositions that he contacted the lawyer & told her what to write & also changed my mom’s will.
He didn’t let me see her for 3 1/2 yrs and even tried unsuccessfully to get a restraining order on me.
He ended up exposing her to covid last Christmas & when she was in the nursing home dying he told them I couldn’t see her bc there was a restraining order against me which thankfully they found to be a lie.
He blocked me from her funeral procession & her burial & called just those who believed all his lies to attend.
We are the only siblings and he has ruined our family’s relationship forever. I will never forgive him for keeping my sons & I from seeing my mom all those years & changing my mom’s long standing wishes to benefit himself 100%
Some people are just greedy, spiteful & controlling
a) Won't happen.
b) Even if it did, your sister wouldn't listen.
c) Even if they picked you as the "one of us" your sister would still be on your back.
There is nothing to stop you resigning your DPOA. Read the documentation, if necessary contact whoever drew it up or authorised it, put it in writing. Then step away. You don't need anybody's permission.
But I bet you won't do it. Your sister will attack you for abandoning your parents, your parents will profess bafflement and disappointment that you would so let them down, and you'll step right back onto the treadmill.
Have you ever successfully distanced yourself from these people? You describe yourself as having gone "low contact" with them. How does that fit with your current To Do list?
I know exactly where you are - I'm one of those who someone mentions something to and I end up doing all the legwork even though they are capable. Some people call them good at 'delegating' in the workplace, but I'm sure that you've known some who go waaay past delegating to dumping their work in your lap. There IS a difference. Think about how the conversation goes before you are assigned a task and be prepared.
Example: She owned a home care business. Before you get hit with the bullet, the conversation was probably already going in the direction of info that was going to be needed. Before it gets far enough for you to be asked to do the research, you say - this sounds like some research for a pro. Your experience in this field is going to help mom/dad/all of us. Let me know what you find out and we can work together to come to a decision. --- Oh, I need to run now, I was expecting a call and it's coming in now. Let me know what you find out. --- If you don't nip the call at this point, you'll get tagged as the research person because you won't be a pro at deflecting the request yet.
Be willing to help out, but work out being ok with negotiating alternatively on the dr appts. You do it this week and when the next appt pops up, you tell sis - mom/dad need you to handle the upcoming XX appointment. I already have plans. Then get off the phone politely.
If you do plan something and she criticizes, don't get mad but come up with prepared words to put the task back on her. She doesn't like XX about the plan, you say that's why I'm telling you. I wasn't quite sure about it either so wanted you to step in and do what you can to make the XX plan better. Let me know what you come up with. Gotta go, call me later.
In a sense both of you have learned behavior. She learned how to get others to do things for her. You learned how to accommodate. Don't get sucked into it. When you feel you're losing control, end the conversation so you can regroup.
Are you parents still mentally capable of making wise choices for themselves?
Have they expressed their wishes for future choices?
They may have you both down to try & make it seem fair, not being left out.
JMO ... The person who would carry out the parents wished should be the named person.
If your parents are still mentally capable, I would explain to them that it complicates matters with 2 people making decisions.
My Mom just passed away & it is such a stressful & difficult time for everyone.
She was ill for quite awhile.
We tried very hard to follow her wishes.
And yes, everyone sees things a bit differently.
Hoping you will receive less stress & more comfort with the decisions making process. 🙏
I live 10 hours away. When they finally got hold of me and explained the situation, my sister was insistent. I asked to talk to mom. In a weak voice, she said: "Help me..." I asked to talk to the nurse, Could they get her to the hospital now? Of course, the nurse said.
She almost died. Since then, I demanded only one name on the Medical POA. She chose mine, and moved in with us just before Covid. She'll turn 100 in four months!
Excellent name for a book of family dynamics.. a film or maybe a pair of sweet little pugs 🐶🐶
It might be better to consider meeting with a counsellor for a couple of sessions to create healthy boundaries. I suggest you start by reading any of the books by Townsend and Cloud. They have been successful in helping people deal with problem behaviors from the people in their lives. With a counsellor, outline the problem behaviors with each person in your family. Then, you can discuss and implement strategies for dealing with the problem behaviors. You may find that creating healthy boundaries is all you need.
If you find that this isn't enough to deal with the problem, then meet with your sister. Together outline what each one of you will do for your parents. Then stick to the plan.
Family dynamics are always a challenge - recently worked in CA as a hospice RN and a DPOA for health care that had 2 co-DPOAs - the one who was listed first was the one who made decisions for a patient who was too ill or felt overwhelmed by making big decisions.
My family is pretty weird. I'm the eldest and the health care proxy (MA term) for our 90 y.o. mother. She had an addendum to the document that the lawyer drew up after my dad died, and I reluctantly agreed to be the first person listed. I am to discuss information pro and con regarding any care decisions(big ones - surgery or not, stay in hospital or go home, treating a new diagnosis, etc) with all 3 of my sibs (collectively) and then ask each of them to give an indication of what they think Mom would want.
Having it spelled out that way keeps me a bit removed from being the sole decision maker. Not likely we will stay connected after mom passes.
You aren't required to be POA even if you're on the document, so simply defer to your sister's decisions and be supportive of whatever she decides to do.
About a year ago, I stopped initiating contact, stopped requesting help, stopped consulting "golden child" on decisions. Contact has dropped to practically zero. I do what needs to be done. Period. So in essence I am the decision maker regardless of a piece of paper stating otherwise. This is Golden Child's choice, not mine. I've just chosen to respond differently. She knows how to pick up a telephone or drive over for a visit or contribute in a multitude of ways. She's well aware of her decision-making authority but chooses not to be involved. By not initiating contact I'm no longer being interrogated, no longer being critiqued, my feelings are no longer being dismissed, I'm not upset or disappointed or frustrated. Golden child is invisible to me. There has been no change in legal documents, but things HAVE changed because I changed how I handle this toxic dynamic. We usually have more power and control than we realize. It took me awhile and some encouragement from others, to see where my power is. I hope something here sheds a glimmer of light for you. ((Hugs))
I'm picturing Ms Golden as the leading actress, sashaying around wearing a *I care the MOST* t-shirt while directing you to be her PA - to actually organises the show, do the research & leg work. 🤔
Yeah,. nah.
I backed out of a situation like that once (real fast).
Was a case of Lead, Follow or Get (out of the way).
Mom or Sis won't let you lead, following sounds like the worst ever bad deal (will be blamed for anything that doesn't work)- so get outta there is left!
Tell 'em "Thanks, but no".
Now, we haven’t made this clear to him - we haven’t had “the conversation”, but he hasn’t asked, either.
Now, if I were in your shoes, I’d ask my parents to choose. Really, whoever is doing the most care should be the one to make care decisions. They’re the one in the thick of it up to their knees.
To ensure it gets done, you may need to supply the paperwork, and accept whatever decision they choose, even if they choose both of you.
Ironic that the main reason I remain involved is that my parents are unlikely to leave this world any time soon, and I would prefer to have some crumb of positive regard in the larger family when they go - but I know how they view me shifts with the wind and is nothing I can control anyway. Thanks.
OK
Later she decided she wanted to appoint my sister (who lives overseas) as co-POA. My position was that either I did it alone or I didn't do it at all. My sis acts similar to yours and I wasn't going to get drawn into that. Mother decided to leave it with me. Had she included my sis I would have withdrawn.
I was disinherited at one point and later put back in mother's will. Whatever! The money did not factor in my decisions. Don't ask them. Make your decision, act on it and tell them.
First and foremost look after yourself. (((((((hugs))))))
Not sure if you should have a lawyer send a letter revoking the assignment or you can just send one saying that as of this date I, Ginger May, revoke my assignment as DPOA for financial and medical for Jane Doe and John Doe. I find, at this time, that I am no longer capable of carrying out the responsibilities that are needed.
Just because someone assigns you doesn't mean you are obligated. If you had been assigned Executor, you can turn it down.
They won't like this and things will probably get worse but it seems that may not bother you.
You of course will not be able to have it "both ways" in that you will not be able to be informed and involved as you wish to be when you wish to be.
I would, to be frank, wash my hands of ALL OF IT. Should they wish to disinherit (which I consider that last slap in the face we can have no answer to) then they can do so.
Make your own life. Make your own "family" full of quality people you enjoy, you support, and which supports you as well. Why go through all this trauma/drama? It never comes to any good end.
I surely wish you the best whatever decisions you make. You can be made the scapegoat,but remember, that's the one they send out into the desert alone, the one never seen or heard from again; it is not the burden- burro who stays and hauls all the crap they want when they want it hauled.
Step away.
Does sis allow you and REAL authority in this? Sounds like she's really good at backseat driving when it comes to mom & dad, but she wants to retain the 'driving'--as long as you do what she wants. Guess what? TWO people can't drive car together. Well, not comfortably, anyway.
If she will allow you to perform your POA duties, then that would be great--but I know exactly how this rolls out--mom & dad need something. They call sis who calls you, you make decisions, etc and then get taken to the woodshed for the decisions you made. Can't win, can you?
A long talk with sis is in order. Tell her how you feel and then tell her you're going to 'give back' all of the drama of taking care of mom & dad. You state you are the scapegoat--and I GET that, as I am the same thing in my family. Of all 5 living sibs only I get 'upset' so to speak about mom's poor decisions. And all the things that happen of a negative nature are somehow my fault.
Stupidly, I step in occasionally and try to 'help' and it's almost always an epic fail. Then I'm in the doghouse and the other 4 sibs just sit there and do nothing.
I'm not dis-inherited, but I do have a 'bill' I am supposed to pay the estate when mother dies. Talk about a posthumous slap in the face!
It's not worth the effort, really, to step in, or be forced to do so and know in your gut you're not being listened to or acknowledged--just used.
Give sis 100% of the responsibility and walk away (for a while). See how sis likes being in the hot seat. Refuse phone calls & texts. Be firm. Tell her you will accept texts or emails about mom & dad's health issues but that you can no longer DO anything. Don't go into deep detail, just state your need to walk away and then do it.
After a while, revisit how things are going. Minimally, it won't get WORSE, since you are always in 'trouble' sounds like.
I know what it feels like to be only as good as my last 'at bat'. And to do the best you can, only to have criticism hurled at you, for trying to do what's needed.
My 'vote' is that you give sister 100% of the CG problems.
I did exactly what you suggested in your post…..I walked away from the caregiving after being told repeatedly how I was going to do everything while he just sat back & did nothing to help
My sibling ending up taking my mom who had dementia to a lawyer & disinheriting myself & my kids completely.