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My brother is about a year older than me. Two years ago when my mom lost her home, they both came to live with me (supposedly temporary). Then mom was diagnosed with early onset Alz. She rapidly progressed and now is in early Stage 6.

Mom is on the waiting list at a really good memory care facility. But once she is there, my brother will still need somewhere to live.

He hasn't worked in about 10 years and mom was supporting him. He does have some health problems related to morbid obesity, but Dr. will not declare him disabled. So all he has is $200/mo in food stamps and money he's getting paid for part-time caregiving of mom. Once mom goes to facility, ALL her money (plus some of mine) will need to go to her bills.

I want my home (and my life) back. There are things that I want to do with my life that I cannot do if I have to support my brother - like have a family of my own. I keep thinking - why do I have to support him just because mom was?

Right now it isn't an issue - if he wasn't there it would be even harder to work and I would never get to go out occasionally with friends. But this is only for a few more months (I hope) until there's an opening for mom. I don't see him doing anything about looking for work, trying to lose weight to help his health, etc.

I am MORE stressed by him than by taking care of mom. Any time I bring this up, all I get is a flip response. Like once I told him that he can't live in my basement for the rest of his life - his response was that he isn't going to live very long anyway.

I can't imagine putting him out on the street. But I also can't imagine him living with me forever. The very thought makes me frantic.

What would you do? I can't get a job for him or even make him do it. (Even if someone would hire him, which I doubt.)

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He needs a deadline. "Three months after mom goes to new home you will need to move out. I cannot support you like she was. I would suggest you start looking for a job now and saving every penny." Even if you have to take on more of your mom's care while he job hunts this could be good. He will get out and walk around and exercise. Don't argue with him. Just state the facts.
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I am going through something similar in my family. Everyone tells me to make a deadline and stick to it. But what do you do when someone says to you that they just won't go?
As the others have said, don't argue, set "benchmarks" for the eventual goal of leaving, and don't budge. If he was a decent caregiver, perhaps he can find a paid, live-in caregiving situation. Many seniors are looking for an honest person who can help them with everyday care and doctors appts., etc. This would also raise his self-esteem.
Do not become his emotional parent. You need your own life and have to return to some sense of normalcy. And you are right, you do deserve to have your own family. Your brother can always visit.
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Julie: I hope things work out for you. Your bro has found a very "cushy" situation and he is going to stay put until you literally force him to make the big decisions.
Folks, like us, who are caregivers, tend to let a lot of bad behaviors go when we deal with family. We feel sorry for them. However, think about what your brother would do if you did not exist. He would survive and perhaps thrive because he would have to fend for himself. I hope you find a good, humane solution for him AND for yourself.....Lilli
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Julie, I don't know how obese your brother is, but that fact that he can still drive and take your mom to her doctor appts. does tell me a little. There are people that are unable to get out of bed at all because of their weight. He no doubt has sleep apnea by now, so constantly waking himself up to breathe is why he can't sleep probably. I know I always slept better in the early morning hours when my apnea lessened a little. Probably cause it wasn't as deep of a sleep by then. Sounds like your brother has given up hope of ever losing weight and being 'normal' again. There are places that will take grossly overweight people to live in their facility as long as the person follows their program. I would start by questioning his doctor, or looking up for yourself where those places are. Your mother has no doubt enabled your brother so that he wasn't expected to lose weight and become independent again, and now he's basically helpless. I've seen enough of those programs on TV about the morbidly obese trying to re-gain their independence to see how hard it is for them to get off the crutch of food. I have a little personal experience with that, so I can empathize,up to a certain point, then it gets frustrating.
But if your brother has no intention (even with help) of doing anything about his weight, then he's basically committing suicide which is why he tells you that he won't be around long.
In that case I would tell him that you don't want to sit idly by and watch him die, so he'll have to find somewhere else to live.
If he reaches out to you for help with the weight, reach back and help him. It will be worth it in the end for both of you.
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Julie, I agree that your brother could get a job as a live-in care-giver to someone. With our aging population, there are plenty of elderly that need someone just to keep them company. He just needs to find the perfect situation. Perhaps there is an elderly man that doesn't need a lot of personal care but would like to have someone living in his home in exchange for room and board and it could grow into a little more as time goes on. Even if you are the one that has to get the word around town that your brother is available, it would be worth it if you come up with someone. Good luck to you!
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People with a lot more problems than morbid obesity manage to find gainful employent. From your description he sounds like a freeloader and a mooch. If he got up off his fat behind and moved around a bit, looking for gainful employment, he might actually lose a little weight and improve his health. I knew a man who was morbidly obese but he made a good (actually VERY good) living buying and selling rare coins, which was his passion. Your brother could sit on a stool all day at a newsstand and sell papers, for cryin' out loud! Look at
Chef Paul Prudhomme for example. He was so fat he needed a scooter to get around his kitchen, yet he built one of America's biggest gourmet food and restaurant empires! Your brother is taking advantage of your good nature. Get a spine and throw him out!
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I too have to worry about my brother who has autism. I am bringing my mom back home because she is being asked to move due to aggression. I think your brother is severely depressed and needs help in that direction. It is apparent that his doctor isn't doing his job by checking this depression. I know that if you are extremely overweight, you can apply for Social Security Disability. Perhaps a different doctor is the solution for you and your brother. Good luck.
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Julie, I feel for you, lets be realistic, who can throw someone out? Really now, how can you? I think you are going to have to find him a job yourself and create a life for him as he doesnt know how to, or want to. You dont want him becoming suicidal either, you need to treat him with kid gloves as he is your brother and althou he is a burden, I am sure you love him. I think him as a caregiver is a great idea! How about him working as a cook or in a nursing home or even delivering newspapers every morning, something... tough situation, real tough one. My husband had sleep apnea and he wore something at home at night to show IF he needed a sleep study or not. Well he did, had one and tried the cpaps for years without success, He just had the apnea surgery 2 months ago and he snores no more, a complete turnaround. Maybe he can get the at home machine first to try it. Good luck helping your brother get his life together, its going to be hard but worth it if you can do it.
I think there is no other alternative, easy to say "get out" but not realistic when he is your brother , homeless and jobless. Hang in the girl!!!
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Thanks to everyone for taking the time to answer my question and provide your opinions. The answers have given me some ideas and opened my eyes in some interesting ways. Although I agree he needs to get his own life outside of my home, he is not an awful person. Although the situation is frustrating and stressful, I don't believe he is as calculating as it sounds.

In some ways I think he's as stressed and more scared than I am. This gives me some perspective, thank you.
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This is a hard position to be in, he is probably attached to your mother and scared to make major life changes. He is not totally disabled just a bit un abled. Encourage him to get support to get his own life, what ever he chooses that to be, some have mentioned looking into being a live in care giver for others. this may be an option AS LONG AS HE IS HEALTHY ENOUGH. tell HIM THINGS ARE CHANGING AND HE NEEDS TO CHANGE TO AND MAKE AN EFFORT TO HAVE THE LIFE HE WANTS JUST AS YOU ARE CHOOSING TO DO. sorry CAPS LOCK.

You deserve your own life, and even though you care for him, he is not your responsibility. Change is frightening but it can be done and you will both be a lot better off after wards, it just wont feel like it to begin with...Very best wishes to you both.
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