Hello everyone. I'm so glad that I found this forum this evening. I am feeling so alone, which from reading this forum, is not uncommon.
My mom, who just turned 72, is in rapidly declining health. She lives about 40 minutes away--close enough, but far enough to be a challenge when you're having to make the trip several times a week for groceries, laundry, and other things that come up.
In any case, without going into a lot of detail here, I am feeling completely overwhelmed.
I do not have siblings, and there is no other family to lean on--I'm it.
I'm also single, trying to hold down a job, and trying to manage two households. My mom just got out of the hospital, and so we do have in-home care for now. But I know that will soon end. I cannot afford to pay for continued in-home care, and I doubt whether she will spend her money for it.
I feel overwhelmed, trapped, exhausted, stuck, but also grateful that I am able to help her out. I'm reading these posts and recognizing that many people are dealing with far more than I am. I'm just at the beginning of all this.
I'm not really sure what my question is. Just interested to hear how other only children or sole caregivers have coped and what the options might be once Medicare stops paying for in-home care.
Welcome - there are quite a few onlys on this board. You are in good company. To answer your question, I've been a solo caregiver for 6 going on 7 years. My mom lives with me at my place - its been a challenge but it can work and be a positive. Personally I am glad I made the decision to do it.
I would like to first point out that you may eventually feel lucky when you read some posts about spouse / family conflicting issues mixed in with caregiving. You have a degree of autonomy that makes it easier to weigh your options on care - alot will depend on your relationship with your mother, and how you deal with ambiguity.
Just be prepared to keep an open mind and don't let anyone tell you there is only one answer - only you can decide since your situation is unique to you & your mom. It helps to research her conditions and pay close attention to nutrition and her environment.
Best advice I can give is that you should decide what outcome you want to achieve, and then work backwards on solutions while crafting a plan. Part of the plan should include taking care of yourself (in small everyday way).
Once again, welcome - this site is a big help ....
So, chat with onlys here online and that will help. Also, look into all of the respite help you can find. Your aging services people on your state's Web site are a good place to start.
Carol
I am not an only child, however, I am the only one that cares for my mother. She lives with me and I have no family in this state so I may as well be an only. I get no help from anyone and I do not ask. It is not worth the hassle. It is my priviledge to taske care of my mother. She was always wonderful to me. It is challanging. She is 88 years old. I wish the best for you and your mother. Take care.
I also am not an only child but I am the only one who lives near my mother, who is 88, and therefore the sole caregiver. My brother lives in Ontario Canada and doesn't seem to care much and I don't ask for his help. My husband and I are working full time. My mother is still in her own home which is about 7 houses away from us. She too is rapidly declining. My mother had a knee replacement in May 2006 and now the area around the knee is very painful-she can barely walk with a walker, she can no longer cooks or drives-we may need a wheel chair soon if the doctor cannot help the pain. I take care of all her laundry, banking, driving to doctors appointments; my husband does most of the shopping and cooking-thank god. I have been researching assisted living facilities in our area thinking I may evetually have to move my mother into one. It has been difficult-we try to keep the weekends to ourselves unless there is an emergency.
Carol
I'm a bit upset with my cousins, because they don't even call or stop by to visit mother. I haven't gone on vacation in a long time and sometimes I get very upset because everyone else is going on vacation.
I've also put off knee surgery, because I don't think mom can be alone for 2 weeks. At night she gets paranoid and she is beginning to think there are other people in the house when there isn't.
Each day is a challenge for me and mom. I will try to do my best for as long as I can.
I know it's hard to get help, and your mother is used to only you caring for her, but this will get harder too. It's probably time to gradually introduce her to other types of help before you have to make a major move because your health can't take it anymore.
Take care of yourself, too.
Carol
I am an "only" whose father is in a VA nursing home, his wife and I rotate days so that he has someone up there with him every day, I am married and have a full time job. Dad is 73, and pretty much bed bound. Any time he wants out of the bed he has to have two people and a Hoyer Lift in order to get up, it is a process!
I pay his bills, do his laundry, do whatever shopping he wants done, and sometimes fix meals to take up there. He is getting very forgetful and sometimes doesn't remember what he tells me to do. He had me just about clean out his room and take all of his things to his wife's house, then started saying that his stuff had been stolen! Got that cleared up quickly!
He was having some issues earlier that, thankfully, have gone away...but he still angers quickly and cries at the drop of a hat over nothing and is still quite demanding, but I am learning to say "no, I don't think that is going to work for me" and we find another solution to whatever, and since I have starting setting boundaries with him I feel like I have more of my life back.
Hang in there, we are all pulling for you!
Ava
My mom lives in Clearwater, FL and I live in Louisville, KY. She visits me every summer for about 3 months. I'm an only child also and going through an extremely difficult transition or awakening, what ever you want to call it. This summer when she came in to visit I was in shock. She is sooo skinny and I really don't know her anymore. I went to Florida for Christmas and she seemed fine. However, now I feel like I've lost her before I actually have. She is not the Mom I've always known and could count on because she use to be the rock we all would turn to. She would hold our family together and now that person is gone. I don't know what to do, I feel so alone! I have a 17 year old son living with me. So I'm actually caring for both. I'm single and work full time. I first go to work a full day at the office, then come home and work a full day/night also. I'm losing weight and I can't sleep, I've been soooo upset. I need help with her, but have nowhere to turn now. She thinks everything is fine?????Just know you are not alone. Please keep in touch. Vicki R.
Please let her know you will still be her advocate and caregiver - there will just be more help. Make her room as nice as possible with her own things (there is limited space, but some personal touches help a lot). If she can afford a private room, at least for awhile, that helps the transition.. Work closely with the staff and be a part of the team. You will both be fine. The way it is, with no help, you are at risk of serious illness, and then where would your mother be?
Take care of yourself, too.
Carol