Only child living far away from mom. How to make a care plan for her, prepare before something happens?

Hi, the following is a list of the type of information your Mom should provide to you. It sounds a lot worse than it is. It is tedious, however, once made, easy to keep up-to-date. If your Mom should become suddenly incapacitated, you will have most of the information to carry on, until she can resume her affairs. This doesn't include will, POA, medical directive, etc. Ready?

1. List all her sources of income and potential sources of income. This would include her job, IRA, annuities, any pensions, any SSA payments, survivor pensions, etc. Make sure you have addresses for the non-government entities.
2. List all bills she pays or could pay. This would include home/renters insurance, medical insurance, HOA fees, doctors and dentists. Note whether it is automatic payment and from which account.
3. If she has a mortgage(s), list who, account number, auto-pay or manual, does she pay property tax and insurance independently or part of the mortgage. What is the date of last payment. Same for an auto loan.
4. List of bank accounts, brokerage accounts, direct ownership of any stocks, and credit/debit cards that she has. Include any HSA accounts if it is not with her employer. Include the card number or account number.
5. List all medical professionals she has seen and is seeing. Include PCP, dental, ophthalmologist, psychiatrist, and any other specialized doctors she has seen. In an emergency, this list is useful as some doctors will not take you if you are new patient.
6. List all property she owns, and who owns it with her. Also include all the utility companies including gas, electric, cable, phone, internet, etc and who the companies are and how it is paid. List her automobile and the insurance company and the location of the title
7. List all life insurance policies including LTC. If available, include the policy number
8. List all the important professionals in her life. This includes lawyers (both estate (where her will and documents are) and property), Financial Planners, Real Estate agents, Insurance Agents, Accountant/CPA, tax preparer, and location of her safe deposit box
9. The following is to be kept in a very safe place: A list of online accounts that she has, especially any electronic payment accounts, and their passwords. I suggest that you don't include the password itself on this list, but put a code to the password, and make another sheet that deciphers the code. Keep the papers in separate areas. Don't forget her apple id, computer unlock password, email accounts, or any of those type of accounts too. Copy of her taxes for most recent year filed, location of safe deposit box key are nice
10. Optional: Preferred hospital, preferred car garage, cemetary wishes

What to do with this information:
1. If she has a Living Trust, make sure all real property, e.g. real estate, is in the name of the Trust. Also ensure that other trustees are current.
2. Make sure all financial accounts have a "Trusted Contact". This is a relatively new concept in the financial industry to help against fraud. The trusted contact cannot withdraw money or see the account. It is used like an emergency contact...if the financial institution cannot get hold of the account holder(s) and they have to, they now have a contact that they can call on to find/verify the account holder. 
3. Set up online access to banks, brokerage, and credit cards. If possible, make sure the accounts are titled correctly
4. If your Mom is willing, I would put all bills on automatic payment.
5. Review/update yearly at minimum.

If your Mom dies, this list will save a lot of time to getting life insurance payouts, filling out the appropriate tax forms, and closing accounts.

If she were to become ill or unable to fulfill her financial duties, this list will allow you to temporarily take over until she is able to handle her affairs again.

There is probably more than this, however, this is probably 95% of what you would need to carry on if something major happened

You could look into full service senior living facilities. I had no idea until recently just how beneficial senior facilities can be to a senior who lives alone . It's kind of like living at a holiday resort where everything you need is taken care of - cooking, cleaning, plenty of all day and evening activities, all medicines needed are dispensed at the right times, making new friends in a similar situation, etc.. Plus the aides and nurses check on you on a regular basis to ensure you're ok.. That alone is so important.

Then if your mom ever needs more hands on care. like 24/7, that can be provided, too, without the hassles of moving, paperwork, etc..

mimikay: Perhaps you'd want to retain an elder law attorney.

Hi, Mimikay - This can feel quite overwhelming, especially from a distance! As others have commented, it's great that you're being proactive with your mom.

You may want to be more specific with your mom regarding finances, and work with her to make a realistic budget. Then on a regular basis, you and she can review how she's doing financially. Make sure you and she keep good records, especially if there is a possibility of applying for Medicaid (5 year look-back).

Another suggestion is to put together a binder with all the important documents (or instructions on how to quickly locate them) that may be needed at any time, as well as important contacts & phone numbers.

The biggest thing that I would stress is to keep her in control of her life as much as possible. You can help her by being a sounding board, providing feedback and suggesting options for her to consider.

For end-of-life planning, you may want to look into "Five Wishes" (https://www.fivewishes.org/). It helps with the difficult conversations, and assists one in thinking about things such as who you may/may NOT wish to be at one's bedside.

You may also want to look into geriatric case management services near her. Many geriatric social workers are aware of the various services, benefits and entitlements.

Good luck to you & your mom during this chapter of her life!

What is your mother's living situation now? Does she own her house or does she live in an apartment?

It could be a good idea for your mother to sell her house (if she owns) and move to a senior community. This way she won't be alone. Then there can be hired companions to help her out with things like running errands, socialization, and housekeeping.

Would it be possible for her to live with any nearby family? If not, would it be possible for a family member to be a back-up POA for your mother because they are local?
Many times people do this when they live far from a parent and there is trustworthy family still living close by.

While your mother is still independent, try to get her into a senior community. Get your name on her bank accounts too. This is a good idea because it makes things a whole lot easier.

Sorry for your loss with your dad dying suddenly.

I'd recommend:

* See an attorney for these legal matters - to do with you being out of state - different state laws (if any).

* Never 'use' your own money (unless you are independently wealthy) - your mom may be entitled to some / more benefits when working within her own financial means. Of course, this depends on circumstances and needs.

* Are you the / her executor in her Will?

* Do your research if you are considering moving your mom to California,
Would this be -
-her own apt?
- a multi-level senior complex/facility?
- independent apt or assisted living?

- Depends where you live in California (I am in Marin County).
Some senior living facilities have years waiting lists, esp for low income although many have waiting lists regardless.

As the population is aging in this country, facilities may increasingly have longer waiting lists. DO NOT WAIT to make these plans by doing initial research / having discussions with your mom... figuring out her finances and housing/needs.

* Can you co-sign on any legal documents? (Good that you are the beneficiary and more is/may be needed for you to ACCESS her funds as needed.
You cannot do that as a beneficiary nor POA***).

Although it sounds like you are doing this as you can (banking, the car). I don't know if there is a need or a way to 'co-sign' some financial documents (since you do not live near her) - ask an attorney how to protect her (when she cannot make financial decisions, sign checks) and what you need to have in place - for when that time comes.

*** From my personal experience, I could only "move" (transfer) funds from one account to another, as needed (this was a credit union, not a bank). I could not take the money out of an account per se. So... you could open an account with your name on it, and as needed, move $ from your mom's account into yours. This is what I did. If this access might help. Although check with your mom's financial institution and their rules / regulations.

* Are you able to make monthly or 1/4-ly short trips to Illinois to check in and ensure everything is going as it needs to? i.e., does her bank or other financial institution know that you are out-of-state... have your information on file?

You seem to be quite astute and managing all you can as well as you can, and it is very impressive considering how young you are. I appreciative that your mom has such an amazing daughter - who cares so much.

Do give yourself a massage or something special. take a bubble bath ... do what you need to do to re-new / re-energize yourself. Exercise, eat healthy (more of the time and meditate). Small self-care practices, collectively, make a huge difference in managing stress(ors).

Gena / Touch Matters

"I'm going to fill out and mail the Illinois POA form for healthcare and car"

Even a form has to be witnessed and notarized with Mom present saying she has voluntarily assigned you. I would have Mom go to a lawyer near her. I feel a lawyer doing this means the POA is more viable. He has interviewed ur Mom making sure she is of sound mind and understands what a POA means. You do not have to be present when she assigns u.

You need to realize what being a POA entails. Its a tool not to be used in controlling a person but helping them. You have financial and medical and your responsibilities are listed in the document. I had immediate financial POA. But did not mean I took over as soon as Mom assigned me. She had some decline but not where she could not handle her finances. I took over when she started having problems. Immediate means you don't need a Doctor to declare Mom incompetent for your POA to be in effect. Springing you need a doctor claiming incompetence for the POA to become effective.

Mom needs to do most of the work. She should do whatever she can so none of her assets go to probate. Then u just claim them. If she has a home it can be put into a trust. I really think you should take the time to go with her to a lawyer. If she bulks, tell her without at least a Will the state gets involved. Better everything be cut and dry.

thinking of what I wish I knew when my father died . I lived across the country as well.
Get educated on the Medicaid process in your state and hers. I didn’t realize that AL / memory cares selection is better with the more time of self pay .. most want 2 or 3 years of self pay to move onto keeping their room when moving onto Medicaid.
make certain you have Access to all accounts , SS, credit cards etc..
my mom used a computer, I don’t recall what program I put on hers so I could go on her computer from across the US.

if your mom will talk with you ask what she sees going forward .. my mom would not move by me .. I thought she would do well in an AL by her.. she did not .. she finally moved by me but it should have been sooner..

I, too, am an only child. I have a 92 year old mom who lives with me. It is stressful being an only. My dad died suddenly at age 64, and that changed the dynamic of our family.
I suggest you come up with some daily routines that work to ease your anxiety. For example, call her every day at the same time. Have a discussion about long term care insurance and what her intentions are as she ages. Does she want to have aggressive treatments? Hospitals and elderly don't mix. If something does happen and an emergency ensues, what is the plan? Is there someone in Illinois to help her? I know how hard it is to live your life when you are "kind of" living her life as well...I get it.

Make sure you have access to her accounts. You can be on her checking/savings account as long as she is first then she will be the lead account owner but then you can either move money or add money via zelle. When my daddy was here I added my name to his account and he would go to the bank get his money out of the checking account but he had a friend that conveniently went with him and my daddy would give him money. Once I figured this out I would move the money from the checking account to the savings account because he forgot about the savings account. Then when he couldn't take out enough and I started taking him to the bank his so called friend disappeared! Anyway, with that said - does she have a living trust? My daddy resigned as trustee so I could deal with everything. He also enacted the POA so I could deal with the medications. He wanted to do this and that and I let him do what was safe for him. As his ALZ started taking over I had already had everything in place. He was 82 when I learned about medicare, medicaid, SS and pension funds that he had. It was a little late but I also have benefits counselor here at work that I asked many, many, many questions. You being 29 you will need this info and as you grow in knowledge you will be able to write it down and have it for yourself! Make a notebook so you can refer to it. Thats what I did and I was 55 when I started. Prayers

My sis is older than that and she is still working, is there some reason (other than your dad's unexpected death) that you think she will need care in the near future? There are the obvious things like ensuring she updates her POA and her will, and then there are planning tools like my 5 wishes that can help make sure everyone is on the same page when it comes to health care directives. But don't allow yourself to get too anxious about her choices as she ages, after all she may have a few decades left.

Welcome, Mimikay!

70 is pretty young these days. What sorts of health issues does mom have?

You need to hold POA for health and finances, and she needs to include you on HIPAA forms so that you can share and receive medical information (if she wants these things).

Your mom is in the driver's seat, but you are wise to encourage her to start planning ahead for the next 20 years.

Both of you should read Atul Gawande's On Being Mortal. Then discuss what's important to her, and what you can and can't do.

Help her understand that under no circumstances can you give up your job and marriage to become her caregiver. Encourage her to check out Assisted Living and other senior living facilities near her so that she has an idea of what's available. Places that are subsidized often have years' long waiting lists--she should get on them now.

Read this:

https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/if-you-are-going-to-become-a-caregiver-480769.htm