My dad has been in and out of the hospital since July 2023. He is 70 years old, he has had sepsis, MRSA, Covid, really any infection you can possibly have as well as kidney disease.
I am a 31 y/o female, who is single and lives alone with my 2 dogs. I have been the assumed caregiver. I am not legally POA.
When he was unable to make decisions for himself, it automatically defaulted to me. Then he started doing better and now he’s been making decisions.
His longest stretch of being out of the hospital was this past April to the end of May, when he returned to the hospital only to be released again this past Thursday.
We have had different levels of home care (insurance covered) that have helped out during different discharges. This past discharge, the agency said they can’t do it unless he has 24 hour care. Spoiler alert, he doesn’t, I still have to work. So now he is home, with absolutely no care, but me.
His brother lives in a different state and can’t be bothered. My mom passed away in 21 from cancer, so that’s not an option. My aunt and uncle were helping once a week, but now are basically refusing to help.
He cannot afford to privately pay an aid, and he makes too much to qualify for state help. I’m so stuck. I’ve been told I’m basically legally liable for him and I can’t do it anymore. He refuses to move to a home, and I am so burnt out from doing this merry go round for the last year.
I have to shop, clean, meal prep, do meds, change diapers, wash clothing, dishes etc. everything on top of my own life with my own job and no help at all on my end because it’s just me.
I cannot explain how unfair this has all felt and how I have nowhere to turn. He of course has been so nasty to me so many times so each time I do less and less. I am terrified I will be arrested or something if I don’t continue doing what I am doing, but it isn’t fair.
I am in therapy, but my mental health has really gone downhill with all of this. How does one let go? What do I do? This can’t be my life for however long he lives. No one listens to me. I don’t know what to do. I can’t force him into a home because I’m not POA and he is mentally well enough to refuse. I am so so stuck, and so happy I found this message board.
You are his crutch, you support his notion that he is independent, he is not. You do not have his DPOA so you do not have to do anything.
Time to back away, let the chips fall where they may. He needs to understand that you are NOT his caregiver.
Let him hire someone to do what you are doing, stop condescending to him, you are, as an adult, his equal.
Until you force the issue nothing will change, the ball is in your court.
"I have to" - um, no. You don't. If dad is capable of making decisions, he can decide how he's going to get taken care of after you make it clear that it won't be you. No one can "assume" you into a caregiving job unless you let them. How do you let go? You "assume" yourself back to your own home with your dogs and your job and proceed as before dad anointed you to be his slave. Which you aren't.
"Oh, but what would he do without me? I'm all he has!"
That's his problem. He should have planned for his old age care, but he didn't. Now he will have to figure it out for himself as he should have done long ago.
You, m'dear, will be gone. It's called standing up for yourself, and you can do it! Best of luck in climbing out of this awful situation.
He would be cared for, right? You have first to understand THAT.
I always say the best place for a grown child is 1,000 miles away from a parent. And I mean this.
Your Dad is only 70.
I don't understand what he has that is making him this incontinent, dependent.
My son-in-law just passed 70 and he is out buying their second home and outfitting it in another state from where my daughter is currently. He is busy and active and a hiker who plays baseball with his friends.
So clearly your Dad has some serious health issues. Please fill us in on what his health issues are exactly. WHY is he in diapers. WHO said he needs 24/7 care? What were his hospital admissions for?
You say he is mentally well. That means you are not responsible for him at ALL, and you need to see to it you never become responsible for him.
I assume you mean he doesn't have dementia. That is good. Then he is in charge of his own life. I caution you NOT to take on POA, not to move in with him and not allow him to move in with you even temporarily. If your father needs 24/7 care then he needs to get himself into placement.
WHO told you that you are legally liable for your father. YOU ARE NOT, and --again--if you are smart you will not take on POA or guardianship because then you ARE legally liable if he is not competent.
If I were you and see that your father is at risk (again, diapers??? WHY?) then call APS. Give APS the phone number of your therapist; let you therapist know she/he will receive a call to verify you are being treated. Tell APS that you cannot physically or mentally care for him. If they see him as in need they will get state guardianship for him.
At 70 your father has a good 25 years left in him. Unless you want those years to be sacrificed by YOU, you need to distant yourself here and now. And were it me I would be moving out of state if I had to, and that's a fact. When you speak to Social Workers, next hospitalization tell them you are not and cannot be responsible for your father and if he needs placement because he's an unsafe discharge then that is on them.
As to dad, provide him with the 911 number.
1) any other family or good friends of his around locally ?
2) why not go ahead with the 24 hour care then with agency ? Will it be covered on the insurance then, ? Is there another agency around who can cover less than 24 hours ?
3) “I’ve been told I’m basically legally liable for him”- from what you describe this is totally NOT true ! Even if you are POA, you are not “ legally liable “ for them. You would have fiduciary duty but not “legally liable “. Only if you applied for guardian/ conservator status then you have strong responsibility with that status (which I am NOT saying you should do- that would be the last thing to do)
4) keep in mind it’s not all or none. You don’t have to totally give up on him and do zero things for him and then be guilty. from what you describe , perhaps you need 80-90% of the things you do for him off your plate . Then you can still help him out a bit , as you are able , advocate for him without doing everything .
You have chosen to help your Dad.
You can also choose HOW you help.
This may be-live help, for a fixed time eg 2 week recovery.
It may be helping him set up services he now needs eg grocery & medication delivery, cleaning service inc laundry. Nursing/medical services eg wound care.
So he can live indpeendantly sucessfully again.
Or, if this is looking unlikely, getting a full needs assessment from a licenced social worker. Seeing where that leads.
You can't force him to change.. but you can change yourself. Change what you do going forward.
"Dad, I am your daughter. I am not your maid - I stop now. I will help you hire one".
If he needs someone to clean, laundry, dishes, etc, then he needs to hire a housekeeper to come in weekly - even once a week to upkeep his house....it's not for you to do it! And maybe you can google housekeepers in his area - it shouldn't be expensive - even if it was every other week. And he should replace his regular dishes with disposable dishes. Regarding food shopping, do everything online - such as from Amazon Fresh, Whole Foods, etc....it makes a world of difference and they'll bring the groceries right to his front door. Regarding food prep, there's plenty of pre-made meals that can be microwaved - or cold cuts, sandwiches, etc.
Try to simplify as much as possible - he's going to need to make adjustments, based on his needs...once he gets used to it, hopefully it'll be easier for him to accept this - but all of his tasks shouldn't fall on you! You have your own life - your job - your dogs...lots of responsibilities for your own life. Thankfully, he's of sound mind, so I hope in time, he'll become physically stronger since leaving the hospital and he can figure out his next steps - it shouldn't be placed on you!
Wishing you all the very best of luck ~
If he is mentally competent then he can make decisions for himself and you are under no obligation to help him in anyway, shape or form.
"I have to shop, clean, meal prep, do meds, change diapers, wash clothing, dishes etc. everything on top of my own life with my own job and no help at all on my end because it’s just me."
Just stop. ALL of it. It is not your job to prop his ass up because he doesn't want to go into a home. If he is unable to perform any of his own ADL's (Activities of Daily Living) then he more than qualifies for skilled nursing.
Just because he doesn't want to go into a facility does NOT mean you have to become his 24/7 nurse maid. Step back and call APS and report a vulnerable elder and next time he is in the hospital tell them he has NO ONE to take care of him in his home and he needs to be placed in a facility.
If you keep helping him, then you will be wiping his ass for the next 10 or more years. I know you don't want that so please for your own sanity stop helping him and let him fail so he can be placed where he belongs.
I'm sorry you are going through this. I completely understand! I'm also an only child. My dad is now in a facility but I was his caregiver for over 20 years. I also did all the washing, cleaning, grocery shopping, doctor's appointments , organizing medication and etc. all while I was working. I'm also single with two dogs. He was in rehab twice before the facility move. You can go back and read my story but my dad and I have a strained relationship which made it hard to be his caregiver. I'm glad that you are in therapy. It will help you. Caregiving is lonely because as you said, no one listens to you and also very few will help you. My dad has many physical limitations which makes it impossible for him to live at home unless he had a 24/7 person living with him who was also a nurse, physical therapist, doctor and etc. Lately I think he is planning to try and come home but that will not work.
You need to tell his doctor that you are not physically or mentally able to care for him. When my dad was in rehab, I told his doctor and the Social Worker that I could not be his full time caregiver. It is too much for one person. For some reason, many in society think that children are supposed to quit their jobs, sell their homes to take care of their parents. I have even been told that I care more about my pets than I do him. You have to get your life back. This forum along with therapy helped me set boundaries. If he goes back to the hospital again, make sure that you make it known to the Social Worker that you can not care for him and that you work. Start doing your research about facilities. The Social Worker can help with this as well. I wish you all the best because I know the pain you feel. Please keep us posted.
Right and the thanks you get for that is your own impoverishment, mental break downs and physical injuries from doing too much. It really is a thankless job and no one cares about the care giver and what happens to them. Not to mention these doctors doing everything they can to keep these people living as long as possible.