I am an only child. How do I deal with taking care of my 85-year-old mom alone?

You are NOT a horrible, awful person for feeling as you do. My Mom was similar, though she was obsessed with my chastity. Some of the things I endured in this regard are too . . . I don't talk about them.
Do understand many of us here truly 'get' what you are going through - and having others who understand, and perhaps even have endured worse - is a wonderul thing to have at your disposal. take advantage of it. Don't continue to bear this alone.

I agree...so much more to say ... and also, I am also thankful that we have others to chat with and release the stress. I am appreciative to all comments!!!

Obviously this post struck a chord for many people. I'm glad we have somewhere to vent and get understanding. So many times the elderly are thought of as docile and "sweet" - but it is truly miserable caring for someone who "fights" you every step of the way. There is SO much to say about this subject.

K

StandingAlone, Your story is heartbreaking. Now it's sink or swim time. A big part of why you've allowed your Mother to treat you this way is because she has been abusing you mentally and emotionally all your life. Deep down you know you're not this person she accuses you of being. It is her problem. The more she accuses you the more you try to please her. It's a vicious cycle called co-dependent. You have shown your Mother enough love. No matter how hard you try to make things right for her when you go she is going to blame you for everything, say the worse things imaginable that will cut you to the heart. Get some counseling to help you get your sense of self worth back and give you the strength to take control. You are a good person and stronger than you know. Don't play the blame game with your Mother. You really need to see a professional to help you through the decisions you need to make. If you can't afford to go see a professional look up Louise Hay on youtube and listen to what she says because she will help you build your self worth back up. When you open your mind to new ways of thinking your feelings will begin to change and you will find the strength you need. Much love to you!

StandingAlone@ Take PRIDE in yourself! You are a hero!

No, you can't change her. She's a miserable person who needs everyone around her to be as miserable as she is. --- (It's a competition!)

Truth of the matter is that her mind is past appreciation of anything that anyone does for her. She probably can't even appreciate an argument! i.e., she's mad at you and fights you during a disagreement, but doesn't remember what the argument was about - all she knows is that she's mad at you! [so don't feel guilty! Guilt in this case is a lie! ...and you bought it!]

Standing Alone, someone said " You can't give from an empty tank", I would suggest that the real problem that you are facing is that your resentment may start you on a path where you begin to become abusive yourself. Care giving is about finding the best person or people to do the job, if it's no longer you, than it is responsible to find someone who can. That is good care giving. My situation is the exact opposite. My mother is an absolute sweetheart, that says please and thank you, and "I'm holding you back", but I'm still feeling overwhelmed. I agree with the others, that you must find support for yourself. I think that you've also come to the conclusion that your mother could benefit from a mental health assessment for herself, maybe she can change. Maybe you could mention this to her physician. Disclaimer: I'm not a health care professional, and I'm not sure how to do that, but a person can only do as much as they can do, and no more. You sound like a wonderful person, with a heart of gold, but now you need to really become Standing ALONE.

Quick summary of likely outcomes/choices for you here if you both stay ----1. Drinking or Drugs or both 2. Severe mental breakdown in dangerous unpredictable way and time 3.One of you kills the other or yourself.

Leaving only looks hard right now because of violence, manipulation and a type of co dependency. It is not true - there are many options and people WILL help you get through. If you get "no" one place, ask to be referred to other places until you get the "yes" you need.

Give yourself a deadline to leave. Not sure if Mom is on proper meds but she sounds mentally ill or somehow wayyyyyyy offbalance. Get to Dr and find out - you tallk w/ dr separately prior to appt. Write it down as you are likely too upset / burnt out to remember or say it all objectively. She may really need higher level of care.

Get your own dr's statement this is making you sick therefore you cannot help. Also ask for help w/ whatever's happening for you - exhaustion, depression, physical stuff from stress ----

Call 211 to get to local Area Agency on Aging (they are called different things e.g. Council on Aging) and get an appt for free assessment and referrals to services, benefits she is eligible for. Many times local nonprofits have extra help that gov't won't show. 211 should also refer to Sr Center - they can be helpful for referrals to caregivers support group.

Get yourself to a therapist - talk w/ dr as you may be too ill for only talk therapy for awhile. . Get referral for sliding fee agency/counselor if you cannot pay. Usually each county also has a public hospital and counseling system in some form. Caregiver support group great but I know how hard it can be to get away for a couple of hours - may have to use online ones and hotlines for awhile.

If you can afford it, ($50/hr & up), talk with a certified geriatric case manager. They're pretty amazing in getting the whole picture and setting up whole new structure for mom and you where you can all be safe, taken care of and sane.

Meantime call domestic violence local or nat'l hotline (are 800 #'s). Emotional and verbal abuse of you seem to be rampant here. Suspect we are only now seeing this emerge into public consciousness among caretaker/children/aging. Look up cycle & dynamics on internet but do call domestic violence hotline for support for you. Lots of actions here - start w/ dr. Then 211 (aging center, counseling svcs, domestic violence hotline, caregiver support group.. Then Aging Council.

That is an amazing post. Your determination is very strong. I know it is sometimes difficult to make these decisions; I support yours. Especially with your father's pattern of chewing women up and spitting them out (just a visual if you will) and you fit that pattern ~ but you are done. That's so healthy. Good for you. My suggestion would be: get counseling for the emotions you are feeling and for support to build up your strength to move forward in your life. I would appreciate an update now and then so that we all can gain from your decision.

I am in a similar situation, but I am 47 years old and my father is 73 years old. My situation is similar to what orangeblossom5 wrote. Yesterday, was my last straw with my father. He lives by himself, but I am required to do everything. He treats me like I am the child, but at the same time the parent at times. He is very emotionally abusive and has been controlling me with guilt, and criticism. He has lost two wives, including my mother due to being verbally and physically abusive. I realize that my father is a woman abuser. He is also an alcoholic. I have decided since he will not move into assisted living, or a nursing home, that I am not going to enable him any longer. I have a life to live and I have the right to be happy and free.

He is not a healthy person emotionally for me to be around. He said some things to me yesterday that convinced me that I deserve better. He has been putting my mother down and that is very hurtful to me. I realize why he does not have anyone coming to see him, because he is a mean, selfish, miserable person. He tries to control everyone, even his friends. I have allowed him to ruin my self esteem and self respect. I have to move on, and let the chips lay where they may. He has chosen to live on his own. I am not his slave or his wife. I am not a door mat.

I have had it with him. I want my life back.

Dear Standing Alone: I hope this message goes through-problems on the first try, so hope it works this time. I can relate to your situation totally, I am a 62 y/o only child and caring for my 86 y/o Mom as well as a 90 y/o neighbor of hers (another story) in an independent senior apt, but I do not live with her. So much time is spent running back & forth doing everything similar to your duties. I am often exhausted to the max. I have not yet found any respite care that I would not have to pay for, and we have no spare money. However, these are my suggestions to you: It is essential to mentally detach yourself from her on an emotional level -difficult but necessary to deal with the hurtfulness and the challenges. Your mother is abusing you and controlling you, and even as an adult you allow her to do so. This will probably escalate to physical abuse as the dementia progresses, so don't wait for that to happen before you take action. Keep in mind, she begged you to come live with her, because on some deep level she recognized that she was declining in her ability to care for herself. She will never recognize you as an adult - as long as you continue to react to her from the postion of her *child*, she will continue to control you. You moved in as the adult to manage her care and her household -that is your mission, and that is your business to manage - treat is as such. On your own, consult in person with her doctor, and explain everything about her behavior, her treatment of you, and your caregiving duties. Ask him to have her mentally/psych evaluated-most likely she will be found mentally incompetent. Also ask him to write a script (so med ins covers it) to have a visiting nurse come to the house to evaluate her needs. Take advantage of their recommendations for skilled home care, PT,OT, and or a custodial aide. Even if it's just a few hours a day, it will free you up. Also on your own, immediately consult with an elder care attorney. Discuss Durable Power of Attorney, Health Care Proxy, and her Will, if there is one bring it with you. You should also be joint holder of her bank accounts, as well as owner and beneficiary if her life insurance, annuities, etc. The attorney will clarify all of these issues. If your mother is declared mentally incompetent, you will have the green light to manage everything. In that case, you should seriously consider selling the house. In the meantime, hire somebody to do the yard work and maybe some of the household duties if it is too much for you. She evidently can afford it, so do it and don't let her tell you she won't allow it. She is not in a position to dictate to you any longer, so don't you allow her to get away with it. What does an 86-y/o woman need with a big house and so much land? You could use the money from selling the house to get her into an assisted living facility, and maintain control of her quality of care, and visit her as often as you care to. Use the lawyer to guide you in all of the above issues. Make a task list of everything you need to attend to ain order to acheive your goals so you don't lose track of them. In between all this, join a support group if you think it will help or just get out one night a week to save your sanity - she will live. Investigate respite care and use it whether she likes it or not - you may be *standing alone* but you won't be *standing* much longer if you don't get some help. Be strong - take control - you can do it.

I'm an only also, with an 86y.o. mother with dementia. So far I have not had the abuse you have had. But as LGaston suggested you might want to join a caregiver support group, like tomorrow. I'm pretty sure someone there has a similar experience they handled, or they may have some suggestions or resources for you. Hopefully, you can separate you mother's behavior from yourself. Her behavior although it is directed at you, is not about you. So please don't lose yourself in her rantings. I do hope you get some relief really soon. Hugs to you.

Oh my! I am in the same boat! Abuse and all! My parent is the victim, never anything her fault. I do everything in the house, with a disability myself. She is not grateful, says thank you, please. Wait on me, do, and poor me attitude she has. I hate her and always have from the days of the abuse I hahve never have forgotten. My siblings will not help as they know what she is, so I am on my own, I have been in counseling all my life, all about her. I know I should move out, but afraid, money and self-esteem. She is very dependent on me. I am so stuck, so very depressed andlonely.

I have two octagenarians who insist on having me do all the work. Once I'm gone, they're actually are going to HAVE TO start doing things for themselves. I guess as long as I'm aLIVE i'LL CONTINUE TO BE TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF. aLL THEY DO ALL DAY IS SIT AROUND AND CRITICIZE. :-) w

I feel so much empathy for you. I would like to know what has happened.

Mine refuses to take meds like anti-depressants.

PS. There are medications that can help your mom. My mom was not on anything for her mind while at home, when she went to Assisted Living they put her on a very mild sedative and it improved her anxiety 100 %.

Thank you for sharing so openly & genuinely from your heart. I was deeply moved by your plight, mainly because the ONLY differences between your story & mine is that I'm 42, my mom is more passive-aggressive than agressive, she's a hoarder & I've been back home for 9 years.

As stated in previous posts, you *have* to take care of yourself. Some things that have helped me keep my sanity, & regardless of my mom's opinion, they happen:
* Find a church/group/club that interests you, and that meets at least one night per week, and go! Again, this is about you & your health as a complete human being.
* Respite care is essential & usually free. I go away for 3-5 days once a year at a minimum...NOT optional, NOT up for a vote!
* Meet with a counselor 1-2x/month, & don't feel obligated to stay with the frst one you visit...find one that's a good match for you. Be very honest with them about *everything* you're feeling. This has been life-changing for me.
* Reconnect w/old friends or find new ones, & commit to meeting up w/@least 1 every week...kind of like a prescription for your social needs. I wold have lost my mind years ago if not for my friends. They know about my mom & support me. There are people like that out there for you, too.
* Above all, realize this: you are no longer a child, but an adult woman living in your mother's home, & she no longer has the power to identify you as a person unless you give her that power. Her reality does not have to dictate your reality. Also, even though I completelyempathize with your apprehnsion about your mom telliong people how terrible you are, no doubt many of the people who hear her rail on realize your mom isn't functioning @100%.

I'm *so* glad you found AgingCare. You are not alone!!! I will keep you in my prayers...please update us if things change. :)

I can relate, I am an only child. My father who is now 73 began declining in health in 2007. At the same time, his wife left him and my dad began depending on me for all of his care. At the time I was 42 and now I am age 47. I turned 47 on 09/01/11.

My dad has congestive heart failure and this caused him to retain a lot of fluid in his legs and feet. His had to begin to walk with a cane, he had hearing problems, cataracts, etc... The congestive heart failure was the worse because it causes numbness and soreness in his legs and feet. He is no longer able to drive. I ended up having to take care of my dad's house, cooking, shopping, etc... Since my dad and step-mother are separated my dad decided to sell his home of over 24 years they lived in together. I took over a year to sell due to the economy. He had to bring the price down in order to sell it. Anyway, I ended up packing my dad's entire 3 story home by myself. He just gave out the orders. He bragged about his wonderful club friends and golf buddies. None of them helped me in packing, eventhough I asked my dad to see if they could help in doing somethings. I can relate to the initial writer, because my father has been emotionally abusive. He is also an alcoholic which makes things worse. I have been talked down to, called names, cursed at, made to feel stupid eventhough I am college educated. I lost my job of 4 1/2 years due to trying to balance work, taking care of him, ministry and home. I am also a minister. I have gone for help with my dad. I got some caregiving assistance a few months before starting a new job. That did not work, because my dad would refuse to let the aides in and send them away. The caregiver owner tried to sue my dad and I as part of a scam. Really check out people who are caregivers not all are reputable. The caregiver owner was harrassing me on my facebook account, cell and home phones, emails. It has been a nightmare.

My dad has been in and out of the hospital due to bleeding while on coumidin and pradaxa. The last time he almost bled to death, and had a heart attack in the hospital. I have felt so alone. I have had to get help from friends and family. My mom has helped me out the most. My dad has been abusive to her. She refuses to go around him. She should not have to because they are not married to each other anymore. He was wife abuser when they were married. He tried to by mostly physically abusive, but she did not let things get that far, and would leave. We would have to pack up our things and leave my dad many times while I was growing up and stay with relatives until my mom would go back. Finally, she and he separated when I was 16 and divorced when I was 18.

I have a love hate relationship with my dad. That is hard to say because I am a minister. I fear that I am going to lose my current job trying to balance taking care of my dad due to his illness. He refuses to go to assistant living or a nursing home. I have been told to report my dad to the Department of Aging Welfare. I am afraid to do that because it may look like I am neglecting him. The county health department can not provide a lot of services for my dad because he makes over the set income limits. His income is higher than a lot of the senior citizens apartment complex requirements, and he does not want to pay an arm and a leg for some of the nicer retirement communities like Charlestown Village and Assistant Living complexes. They are too high. He is in a very strange middle income bracket. He makes to much or not enough. We tried to use his VA benefits but he was not a war time soldier. He was a peacetime soldier.

I have blown up in my weight size, my pressure has risen, my skin broke out more, and I get migraines a lot. My dad riddicules me about my weight and makes comments like take care of yourself. He wants me to take care of his household and clean it weekly. I stopped cleaning his house up like a slave because he was being very abusive by micro managing me. He was purposely leaving his dishes out, food out, not making his bed up, leaving his bills and other unmentionalbe stuff uncleaned. I had it. He is much better, but has lost over 70 lbs. My dad is 6'1" and now weighs 160 lbs. he was in to his 150s a week or two ago.

It is very hard. I am very alone and understand how the initial writer felt. I would like to start a caregiver ministry at my church. I need some resources on how to begin. This is a much needed ministry. I have been seeing a therapist, but I need to belong to a group that understands what I am going through.

I have left out a lot of information because it just too painful to discuss. I thank God that I have a relationship with Him, but I will tell you I have felt very alone at times, hurt and angry. I found out who my real family and friends are. Unfortunately, I have been dissappointed by many people during this season of caregiving for my dad by people who volunteered to help and did not. Many of these people were believers, but my faith in God to sustain me has grown so much. I know that this period in my life shall pass. I wish all those who are caregivers to get help, and to find balance for yourselves. I plan to start eating better, exercising, and find people who are positive. I have stopped going around my dad as much. I let him complain and blame because he is not going to change. The doctors and I have warned him about drinking, but he refuses to give it up. That is on him. I can not be a party to his destruction and me long with him. I choose life. We have to learn that it is okay to say no or that is enough. God Bless!

My first thought was that I am not an only child taking care of my middle-80s aged mom but with two siblings in other states sometimes it feels that way. But without the phone calls to one of my closest friends I would never make it! The expectations you are putting on yourself due to past history and present depends is more than any person should have to endure. Let go of all the expectations (clean house, tailored yard, making mom happy) as those things will never happen. Mom's personality is the negative, complaining, critical one and yours is not. I know it is difficult to live with that personality but that's who she is (and God knows we knew it all of our lives). I have family and friends who listen and give me advice on how to handle my mom's demands. One day I sat her down and told that if I say NO to her demand and she throws a 2-year-old temper tantrum, I will do what every professional says to do .. walk away. Then she can see there is no audience. That conversation occurred in July. NO temper tantrums since then as she knows I won't watch, talk to her, nor engage with her in any other way. It probably was effective also b/c I am a child care professional and recognized the tantrum. But it took someone else to point it out to me as I am right in the eye of the storm so to speak. Hope that one suggestion helps along with the ones others have issued. I agree to contacting senior care and getting respite care. I agree also with walking away from this situation (for a while) so you can get your life back. Keep writing to us though, as it helped me to see that my situation is still bearable. And by writing to us you will find that many have great ideas that have worked for them. I thrive knowing this group is here for me and all of us.

Another "only" here also with a "strong-willed" elder. One rehab center refused to take her because she was "combative and disruptive." Like your story...her personality is NOT the result of the AD, she has been this way to an extent her entire life. The negative aspects are magnified with the disease. It has taken me over two years to finally get to a place where I am going to be okay. I had to realize that she has had a full life and made her own choices (except for the disease of course). It is NOT my responsibility to "fix" everything for her. First of all my idea of solutions are never good enough anyway. She always has a better idea, way, etc. and when I make attempts, it just gives her an opportunity to criticize. I have learned that I cannot change circumstances or events. I can only change my reaction and perception of things. It has helped me a great deal. Yoga, exercise, and sunshine help me. Good luck.

K

I am an only child, both parents are deceased, and I was shown deep affection. Just the opposite of your situation. Has she ever mentioned nursing home to you? I know your nerves are freighed to the end, Mine are and I am going through the no one helps me with the disposal of things. It is a huge thing before a death and a different huge thing after a death or two in two years, which is my case. Get yourself in a local support group. Your county as knowledge of these. Also consider staying at an abused shelter. You may not have siblings, but if your mom is crast, she will tell whomever she knows that you are a terrible daughter for doing this. As she wants all the sympahty on her side. Is she able to stay a home for half a day if necessary and to tasks for herself? If not, You may inquire about an adult day care. Therefore you can get out yourself 2. My concern is if u don't have the financial means to place her in a nursing home, When medicare ends, she is on the street or with you again, and you will be circling the issue. I would play to options (like for a child) either she has a stay in help and u get out, or day nursery and you get out. I feel either way, that when they see how she behaves after a few day of sweetness, the real mom will come out, as she will want u to talk her home. When this happens, talk with all of sponsorors involved, keep notes of your own, as to her mindset/activites, and I believe she will be going into a nursing facility......Remember you are not alone. Yes, there are many families that have brother sis., but u would be surprised how many actually do the care, not many. My uncle turned agains me and dad when my mom passed.. I am having to go through all of their things, clothing, furniture, cards, letters, everything,,,no one realized how hard it is until it is u having to so it.....so if anyone states anything, like I know, tell them no they don't. I love you & Never Forget God Loves You, He is taking you on a path of strengthing your spirit....I know u don't understand.......it takes time.....I am not sure I am there yet. it has only been 5 months for my dad.

Have you ever actually refused to take your mother's guff? Chances are if you threaten to move out, actually make plans to do it, and MEAN IT! Her attitude and facade may crumble and at least you may be able to come to a serious compromise in how she treats you. If it does not, make good on your threat and do not look back. If it does not, then it never will and you will have signed your fate. My mother is not as bad as yours, we have just had to have a few screaming battles and have at least made me able to face the day. I had to go on anti-depressants for about the first two years just to avoid crying all of the time (literally), I have reached the point of a certain amount of family loyalty but I also have a financial commitment (there it is), and I MUST see it through. If she has dimentia, you may just have to turn her over to the social services responsable for this sort of question, you have done enough.

I agree with all of the comments to this post. It is emotionally unhealthy to give up your life for such a parent who has a pattern of emotional abuse. This story is so very sad. In life, you teach people how to treat you. Unfortunately in your situation, you have allowed a long-term pattern of abuse and your mother will never change...she is who she is and she has shown you time and time again who she is. You, however, are the only person who can control you. If you continue to allow this, you will become most likely physically ill and then where will you be? We all care as members of this group. Please do something and get out of there. You deserve a life. No one should totally give up his/her life for someone else. That is not how life is supposed to be.

Standing Alone, I too am an only child of an 88 year old mom. Unlike you, our relationship has always been great. For the last 3 years I've been taking care of my mom at her home, going back and forth from my home, she was progressivley getting worse, but I tried to keep ladies coming in around the clock, until that wasn't even enough. I had a very debilitating stroke in 1986 when I was 30 years old, I began last year to have stroke symptoms again from all the stress, that is when I knew I had to do something, so I got her into assisted living in Sept of 2010 almost a year ago. She has had a very hard time adjusting, and at first she would tell me " I wouldn't treat a dog like you've treated me". We've pretty much gotten over that hurdle, and we are close once again. I doesn't matter what decision you make, at times you have to get to the point you think about your own health. I realize I have not given you much to go on . Please do what is best for YOU. God Bless you. Just remember you are never alone.

Lots of Loooooooooooooong answers. Your the Big Girl now. Kinda like a reverse roll. This is your chance to start acting like it. You be the mom

I am so happy that you are reaching out!!! You are not alone. 1st pray for guidence and then go get it. Caregiver groups are free and so are some of the 1 on 1 counciling. I found mine and you can also. Do it for you. You deserve it!

Standing Alone..... My heart goes out to you. I have a friend that has a situation similar to yours with her mother and I have seen my friend's health decline trying to be everything to her demanding, unable to please mother. I believe my friend has allowed herself to be her mother's whipping post because she is hoping to inherit her mother's savings. If you are staying for similar financial reasons, please remind yourself that any money you inherit will not be worth giving up your health for. Stress takes it toll and you sound stressed to the max.

I agree with some others here who have said for you to tell your mother you are going to make arrangements for her care and then do it. You have to take care of yourself FIRST!!!

I also have to say that since joining a good Bible based church a few years ago, I have been amazed to find out that you actually can give your problems to the Lord and he will be happy to do your worrying for you. I know it's easier said than done but it's true. He wants to help you. You just need to ask.

I will say a prayer that things will start turning in the right direction for you. Take care and God Bless!

My heart bleeds for you because my mom has the same personality. Although I am not an only child my sister practically jumped for joy when I told her I would move her near to were I live.......the stipulation was that she go into a continuing care facility.
After many months of researching and the help of a free service called "A Place for Mom" I was able to place her in a lovely facility....I took her right from the airport to the facility(she's in assistant living) and she was miserable and nasty for about 6 months. But I knew I could never live with her at my home.....Now she seems to be adjusting (it's about a year) and I visit her once a week and call her a few times during the week. She has no friends there (which, I expected because she never has had any) but has learned the "ropes" to be friendly to the aids who have now become her "friends" It was a hard decision but the right one because
she is being well cared for and taking her meds regularly and is living better than she ever has before.......When the days come when I feel guilty I just remind myself of my childhood and how she treated me. And I know she would never give up anything for me if it didn't benefit her. She has been a miserable person all her life and you can't change that........So think about it---It was the best decision I ever made

I've got one of those mother's too. I moved her into assisted living thinking that would help. She won't let assisted living do anything for her, I have to do it. Then she complains how I do it wrong.

Phases of being Queen Elizabeth, Joan Crawford, and Bette Davis, sometimes all rolled into one, while trying to convince everyone that is not in charge of her care that she is Betty White or Donna Reed, cracks me up. The assisted living staff tell me how sweet she is and how easy it is to take care of her. That's because I do everything.

Good luck! I wish I knew what to do too.

StandingAlone,
It sounds like you do have it rough. I am not an only child but it definitely feels like I am since I don't get help from a sibling, but I am blessed because I have a husband that helps me with so many things. I am sure that he gets sick of constantly having a honey do list from me or my mom!
My mother was never one to praise or be affectionate with us as children. She was never a really nurturing person but she did work like a dog to keep us fed and clothed when we were young. Her own childhood did not teach her to be soft and motherly, she had it very rough but she survived and we survived so she did the best she could. HOWEVER, with that said I totally understand that just because your mom is who she is doesn't mean you have to give the rest of your life putting up with HER issues.
If you aren't her POA and Durable POA I would tell her you need it and get that done. Whatever money mom has should also be spent helping you get things done for her. Hire someone to do her yard and come in to care for her off and on so that you can get some much needed time for yourself. I don't think that will be enough but it will help until you can get out of that house and either settle her somewhere else or start paying someone to help her live at home.
If she has any money right now, that is what it should be used for. Once she is out of money she should qualify for medicaid and assisted living.
I would try to do all of this with the best intentions and calmly. You don't owe her the rest of your life but you can help care for her from a distance if you need to.