Opinions needed, how old is "too old" to cook an entire Thanksgiving meal alone?
Hi all, Mom, 73, degenerative disk disease in neck, lower back, mild heart valve leak, colitis, expected to cook Thanksgiving meal, (by herself, no other cooks to help), for my Stepfather, his brother, his nephew, and the nephew's new girlfriend.
She had a TIA a few years ago when my niece, her kid, and her boyfriend came for their birthdays. Guess several days of cooking, baking separate cakes, wrapping was too much. Lady up the street died making Easter dinner for her grandkids a few years ago, so I am kind of nervous about this.
They used to go out for buffet for Thanksgiving, when I lived way out of state. Then Stepfather decided he wanted left overs, got her to make him turkey breast, potatoes and gravy, pie, for him to take to work for a few days every year after guests left.
I moved here a few years ago, 3 years ago I told him I thought it was too much on her and we should go back to the buffet tradition. No go, but said just one last one. I agreed. Last year, reneged on his agreement, said he wouldn't get any left overs if we went out. I told him he knew full well she was too old, he said he'd cater it, which he did. Mom begged me to come help, and bring other things too, (I had other plans elsewhere), said she plain couldn't do it, so I caved. She was right in that they didn't have enough food from the cater purchase, was surprised how small the portions were for the cost, and I also was surprised how much work it still was for her to get all the stuff ready. I took bird, giblet gravy, potatoes, stuffing that I made at home. THAT was supposed to be the last year. This year he announced once again he'd invited everyone to their house for the dinner. I flat said NO, and I'll have no part of it, my husband and myself are going out to a buffet, (which we never have done, but I've got it by myself for 32 years when we lived in a different state and I'd like a break myself).
Have stuck to my guns hoping they'd change their mind and go out with us. No go. As a matter of fact, he went from going to cater her part again, to now she's getting it from scratch since I'm not participating, he's afraid there won't be enough left overs for him to gore for 3 days. Ugh. I am worried. I don't want her to have another stroke, or worse. Most days that I go see her for an hour in the afternoon she's on no sleep, (chronic pain keeps her awake), she's often confused and has a lot of trouble just getting a cup of coffee made from their little single serving deal they've had for years. Am I wrong? How old is "too old" for this?
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Grrrr! This makes my blood boil!
Your poor mother is struggling while she's literally too physically challenged to even think about cooking a dinner. I support your efforts to change, but it sounds like you're up against a practiced controller and dominator.
Could you get her to come with you on Thanksgiving, and perhaps spend some time with you while the volcano erupts and finally extinguishes over anger that he's not being served as he wishes to be?
I suspect your mother would be afraid to do this. So the focal point is their relationship, and her subordination. And figuring out a way to stop this now before she suffers even more.
Something else you could try is enlist the new GF; if she's going to eat, she can help prepare it. You could also advise everyone that there will be no leftovers unless they all pitch in, one way or the other, and contribute. But I suspect that won't work either.
I think the insistence on leftovers by your father is an obvious manipulative tactic to control his wife. The fact that she reaches otu to you to help with the dinner suggests that she realizes the men in the family won't help.
How old is your father, and he's still working? Couldn't a caterer just be requested to provide double the portions for the leftovers?
This issue of leftovers is such an ill disguised manipulative one.
There's another way, but it's sneaky, and your mother would have to cooperate: she could collapse the day before and ask you (not your father) to take her to the ER. Even if they don't keep her for observation, you might be able to keep her out of the house on Thanksgiving Day.
If you pick her up and take her home, you can always fudge the advice given, i.e., that her medical condition prevents her from cooking a massive meal and that she needs to spend the next several days resting.
Further, the ER doctors advise that she should NOT prepare any large meals again if she wishes to avoid further spinal deterioration.
It wouldn't hurt to also speak with her regular doctors even if you aren't HIPAA authorized. Her back issues concern me as much as the anxiety and stress.
I've seen a similar situation in my extended family. It only stopped when the wife was too ill to cook, and by then her health was severely compromised.
And given that thanksgiving is only days away, isn't it a little late to be making this an issue? The time to make any meaningful changes passed weeks ago.
I'm 61. I'm DONE doing all the cooking, prep and cleanup. My hubby was upset one year b/c I didn't haul out the china and crystal. The next year I DID and made the men clean up. Since then, I have had no complaints about high quality plastic or paperware.
NO ONE should put the "expectations" of such a meal on anyone else. ONE TIME my DH commented that I had not made the best pumpkin pie that year (he was right, forgot the sugar) but I blew up at him. Really, told him it takes 3 days to prep for a meal for 30 people, our house is tiny, he doesn't help at all....sleeps until 2 pm and is often jumping in the shower when the first guests arrive...since then he has been much more grateful for what I do. Or, rather, did. I am going to my daughter's this year, and if I have my way, won't be hosting the whole shebang ever again.
Your mom needs some backup....seriously? Her husband has to have his leftovers? I don't know the guy and I wanna smack him.
It is not too late to plan to go out, or have the meal catered.
Me, I decided after preparing many a family meal that I would not do one more unless the men got off their backsides and did all the clean up. Boy were they surprised when I followed through and told them all to get up and clean up.
But for your mother, why is she agreeing to this? Step-dad wants left overs, I want a basement reno, doesn't mean I will get one. Safeway has lovely pumpkin pies, so does Costco if he needs lots of left over pie. The deli at my local store has real roast turkey.
Why does your mum feel she must do as he wants when it is not good for her? Why is he so selfish?
Garden Artist, you nailed it, he's super controlling and dominating. I don't know when this happened, we butted heads when I was 13 when he came into my life, but then I grew to like him, trust him. But I have lived out of state a very long time, maybe things weren't as they seemed for a while now. Mom has always over congratulated him for every little thing, kind of like how you train a puppy, smile, you know how far "good boy" goes in that instance. It really seems like this has ended up backfiring? He's 10 years younger than her, I wondered if it is that he doesn't understand she's older, or if his plain doesn't care? The later is scary. When we moved back we started noticing he criticizes every little thing she does or says, talks down to her, while really talking himself up. He says her name followed by "G_d D_mmit!" often, then will follow it with something trivial, like "you're using the wrong spoon!", doing whatever wrong, telling the story wrong. I haven't known what to make of it, other than it makes us uncomfortable. One time recently it was offensive enough I got up out of my chair and started towards him without even realizing it, he's lucky I caught myself cause I think I was on the way over to deck him. (?). I did pull her aside and tell her I wasn't going to tolerate that any longer and wasn't the only one who'd notice that and was upset with it. Believe it or not, it stopped, or, at least in front of us. I don't understand what is going on. Is he afraid of something? Ugh.
Odd thing is that he didn't ask her, he plain told her they were coming, in front of me and other company, then took off out the door. She was really mad, and said, "no way". Next time I talked to her she'd changed her mind and said "one more, last one". She keeps asking where hubby and I are going, have hoped she'd change her mind because I really don't think she can do this. Thanks you guys, at least I won't feel like a total jerk AND worried at the same time.
I don't remember ever having a holiday meal prepared by one person, at least since I've had adult children, and before that my husband did half of the work. This year my sister is hosting a Thanksgiving feast. She has been prepping for weeks. Part of that was assigning dishes to bring. I'm bringing an awesome wild rice/mushroom side dish and a chocolate roulade. The non-cooks have been assigned wine, etc. Everyone brings something. Sis is a fabulous cook and she loves doing this, but even she wouldn't tackle this single-handed. Just hosting is a huge job, let alone preparing all the food. One person hosting and preparing all the food? I just can't comprehend that expectation.
The catered meal is too skimpy? Order two. Find a more generous source. Or, best of all, go out to eat where the prep and cleanup is done for you! Order and pay for some take-out for leftovers.
You've gotten some really good suggestions. Maybe you just need to take the bull by the horns and order a catered meal if your mother just isn't up to challenging of going through arguments at this time of the year, a few days away from Thanksgiving.
Or just take the whole bunch out and ask for separate checks so you don't end up paying for the new GF.
I still get annoyed at these men every time I read one of the responses; that is such inconsiderate treatment for your mother.
Me, being a smart derriere that I can be, I might just rebel and embarrass the men by putting out a few loaves of bread and some hormone free packages of meat, condiments, lettuce, and a few pumpkin pies and tell them to fix what they want (paper plates of course), and go at it while I go sit down and read or watch something like one of the parades on tv.
Every event has some snafu inevitably. But when everyone allowed in the kitchen disappeared, I went in there for some cola, and there sat a huge pot of mashed potatoes upside down on the kitchen floor. No one was in the kitchen! The dysfunctional family's rule of 'the food is okay if you get it off the floor within 5 minutes' lol, was broken, but the potatoes were served anyway. An elderly aunt had unsafely transported her ham contribution for several hours, and some people got sick.
It may be pride that keeps a hostess going way beyond her ability to serve THE BIG MEAL. Or, illness, alcoholism, just not knowing when to stop. Or, like Barb mentions, abuse.
Maybe when someone no longer enjoys the preparation, is fraught with resentment, or is just too ill (not old), other plans could be made.
A hostess should alway consider the guests, are they going to enjoy your family's chaos?
I get that nothing is perfect. But leave me out of it. I have no plans whatsoever, and am fine with being spared.
Otherwise, catered is a great way. Still hard on the hostess without help.
I think that I would get that man who wants leftovers, a fresh cooked turkey delivered the next day, with all the trimmings. Then go out on Thanksgiving. Last year, smaller portions of every item were found at trader joes just before the day.
My take on Thanksgiving.....make sure there is something to be thankful for.
Obviously having "leftovers" is not the real issue here. The nature of your mother's relationship to your stepdad is. This can be heartbreaking for the adult children and other relatives who witness it. And other than be supportive, I don't know what the outsiders can do. If you figure it out, New2this, share!
A friend whose parents lived half the country away from her was devastated that her father (a physician) treated her mother who had dementia so unkindly. She realized that it was simply the long-term nature of their relationship, but only looked much more inappropriate since her mother was impaired.
So I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one who doesn't view this as something women should be expected to do.
And as I think back over my childhood, whenever we visited with relatives, it was always the women who did the prep and cleanup. Some of the male members went into the living or family room to watch football or sleep.
Thanks everyone, but don't invite me, ever! Lol.
(sorry for the attitude).
I am grateful to her for a lemon cheesecake recipe which is delish. Having said that I can't bear to look at the woman - unforgivably reminiscent of my MIL.
And the late Evelyn Rose was doing Passover forever.
Age is no barrier provided the mind and whisking wrist remain strong.
Hmm. Don't know if this idea would fly. But have you thought of inviting your mother to join you and your husband? I assume she's only metaphorically chained to the kitchen, and I'm sure those big strong men would manage somehow (though it might be an act of mercy to give a heads-up to that girlfriend, too).
Thank you! But we have made other "plans", Lol.
I would have come just for one slice of your famous cake and to meet you in person.
Can you send the wild rice recipe?
I am too old.
Liking this thread/question, I have read it over.
I think Cwillie has an excellent answer!
Of course, Thanksgiving in Canada was in October, I think.
What would Gershun say?
What an excellent resource! Mary Berry's Malay Chicken Rice recipe, on video, on my kindle! Thanks, so thankful! A Brit cyber-cooking in my own home! So much more interesting than -oh, I have forgotten her name-the one with a magazine who was in jail?
What I did? I preemptively invited everyone for to thanksgiving dinner at the local restaurant. Explained to everyone that we needed to give Mom a nice break. Then, once everyone agreeed....invited my parents ..saying that the whole family was going o be there..they just had to come too.
Even if Mom was forced to cook that dinner...it was going to be dinner for two. She could just get a precooked bird...sides of this and that and heat it up.
That was the last time anyone accepted an invite to a meal Mom was going o be required to cook. Every year they came to dinner at the restaurant till they moved out of State
What this Mom needs is to decide which part of the meal she wants to prepare. The turkey , a small one comes to mind but she may choose potato salad which can be made the day ahead or just go out and buy a pumpkin pie. Having made her choice she makes a list of everything else needed and gives one or two items for each to bring. Aunt Mabel who is 93 can just be asked to bring a package of brown and serve rolls. The useless idle men get the wines and other drinks And are resonsible for serving those. Anyone old or physically unable buys something that requires no preparation like cheese and crackers or the disposeable plates. Anyone who "forgets" their contribution is given the clean up. I do think you should be there because someone needs to act as Ringmaster or Mom will cave. You and hubby can either go out after an early meal or even once it is safely on the table and enjoy your own time together.
I am 78 and currently not capable of hosting anything but we go to my daughters and I make and take the Christmas pudding. Used to make the traditional cake as well till everyone said they don't need that.
In my childhood, I remember my Mom getting up at 4 a.m. to get the turkey ready to cook, and to prepare the stuffing from scratch as there wasn't Stove Top Stuffing or anything similar. She enjoyed cooking, plus that was her "job" as a wife.
I hate cooking, it's like a science project that goes bad :P Thank goodness for pre-cooked turkey plus sides that the grocery stores sell [usually one has to pre-order a week prior]. Your Mom should look into these meals. We always had enough left over after 4 being at the table, and the cat demanding his fair share.... even enough to give to my parents for several more meals/sandwiches.