I'm the caregiver for parents for --5 yr?
My sister says she can't visit, it would take a long day to drive here and she doesn't want to sleep at parents house.
So my sister seem to want to be involved, somehow. And it occur to me, she tries to be involved --by telling me what to do! Fix this for dinner, shop here not there, even tell me when she is afraid they might get the flu from going to church, don't go to church there are too many people coughing.
If she lived nearby and was actually perfoeming caregiving duties, I would not mind. It wouldnt be anything at all to "talk shop" and share ideas.
Sister is just being downright annoying. I don't have time for it. I wish she could be more truly useful.
How to explain the need I have, without hurting her feeling that she is being "helpful" when she is just not?
Five years is a long time to stay away and not even visit once though. Holy cow, what IS she afraid of??
Seriously, has she Never visited in 5 years? That sounds like a real problem. Agoraphobia maybe? In any case, she is how she is and she has to deal with it in her way. You are kind and insightful to recognize her desire to be involved. I like vstefans' suggestions about possibly doing a little online shopping for the nightie Mom needs, or a lightweight sweater, or whatever would be truly useful.
Also ask her advice when you can. You don't always have to take it, but that would let her feel needed. You know Mom's situation intimately so it would not be often you "need" her advice, but talk things out with her once in a while. Give her credit when you can. "I was thinking about your concern about spreading germs in church, so I've taken Mom in for her flu shot, and I carry hand sanitizer in my purse. Church means so much to Mom she'd be distressed at not going, but thank you for sharing your concern. I hope this is a good compromise." (Of course you might have done these things without your sister saying anything, but give her credit.)
Tell her Mom loves opening personal mail, and ask if she could send a card or postcard once a week.
Samara, it surely is enough for you to be taking care of your Mom. It is too bad that your sister apparently has needs she expects you to meet, too. But if you can tend to some of her needs WITHOUT extra burden to you, it would be a loving family thing to do.
The fact that she doesn't want to sleep at your parents' house seems odd. Do you live there too? Is there no room for her, or is there some other problem with the house, like animals that would set off her allergies, or hoarding, or inflexible rules regarding the indoor temperature or something similar that make being there unpleasant?
It's one thing if she can't afford to come visit, or if she's ill, but if she just doesn't want to bother, then you should change the subject when she starts telling you what you should do for your parents. Maybe she feels guilty that she's not there to help out, but that doesn't mean you need to listen to her advice.
Give her your address and let her know cards and small gifts would be appreciated by her Mother. You can let her know what items she can mail to Mother. Good luck!