I live in another town and my sister is in her Masters program, has children and works. Our Mother wants us to take care of her without outside help. What do we do, we are both close to burnout, our Mom has end stage cancer, and is becoming more and more difficult, she is mad at everything we do, nothing is right or good enough. We are now taking turns every 2-3 days with staying with her, we don't know what to do. Help!!!
It is important that you and your sister get to related to your mother as loving children, not simply as caregivers. That is really hard to do if you are overwhelmed and burned out.
When she is gone, are you going to feel good that you were able to sit, hold her hand, and go through some photo albums with her, or laugh about old memories, or are you going to regret being so overwhelmed with her laundry and housekeeping and medical attention and you had little personal time with her at the end?
Is she on hospice?
Does she need around-the-clock care?
Your mother may be frightened of the cancer and how it will progress, and of dying, and may be trying to keep you and your sister closer because you're apparently the only family involved at this time.
Recognize that fear and work with your sister to create a good program that does involve outside help, and explain to your mother that you want the best for her, which is to bring in professionals who have experience that you and your sister don't.
Be there when hospice or other help comes for the first visits to help your mother ease into the new regiment. Otherwise, she may resent you and feel as though you've abandoned her.
I'll bet very few people want to die among strangers. Looked at that way, it isn't surprising that your end-stage mother wants you around.
So while you are arranging other people to provide care, reassure Mom that you could be there very quickly if needed. Post your cell phone numbers near each telephone in the house. Be sure every helper knows to call you if Mom worsens, and that Mom knows they know that.
Hospice can be very helpful with this kind of planning and with emotional support.
Figure out what you can reasonably do, and stick to it, but also work on reassuring Mom of your love and your willingness to drop everything and be there at a moment's notice when the need arises.